When someone already in a LDR is attracted to you

[RosaRugosa]

Hi guys. I'm not certain where to put this but figured that knowing about the dynamics of LDRs would really help with my question, and I don't really know much about how it works.

So I would really appreciate your thoughts.

 

It's quite a long story but I'll try to paraphrase. We met about 10 years ago and he introduced himself right away, everyone told me he really, really liked me but I was seeing someone then, and was deeply in love so only went out a few times with him as a friend. Eventually I thought it best to make it clear I was never going to date him as he wanted and then he left me alone.

 

A few years passed and I started seeing his friend from work. He said how lucky his friend was, asked me if it was serious, I said yes but immediately started to wonder, as I realised how lovely this guy was - it had taken me several years to see it I suppose.

 

Me and the friend broke up a few months later. Meanwhile the nice guy had started seeing a much older woman, who lived about 150km away. I was quite in love with him by the time my relationship ended but he was seeing her now, so I was really sad. I did eventually tell him I liked him, because he continued to speak to me as though he really still liked me and I wasn't sure what was going on.

 

Anyway fast forward 4/5 years and he still sees her, they haven't moved closer, and he is clearly very attached to her emotionally. BUT he has started to do things for me and yesterday made a move. I am not sure what to think.

 

I adore him and he knows that. I have already told him off big time about a year ago when he kissed me and I thought he was leaving her for me, but he wasn't. So he knows I'm not up for being his extra girlfriend! But he has said the following which are my only clues:

 

'I've never held you like this before, have I?' (meaning: 'this time I mean it, don't worry'?)

 

'I only see her every other weekend, and it's not enough' (meaning: 'I am fed up with her not wanting to move closer so am punishing her by being with you'? Or 'I am ending my relationship with her because it's not working out'?)

 

'I am truly a man in two worlds' (meaning: 'I have been watching a few too many romantic films and this is what they say when they are having a bit on the side'?)

 

He has gone to see her today and will be back tomorrow evening. We only held hands and cuddled a bit - no kissing, no touching really. I will not give anything physical while he is still attached.

 

I am trying my best to be sceptical but at the same time, if he DOES decide me wants to choose me over her finally (and I'm not holding my breath - will still be friends if not) would his attitude preclude it being a good idea to start an actual relationship with him - or do you interpret his behaviour as someone just using me?

 

Thankyou for reading and please ask if I haven't been clear enough, it's a bit complicated..

[RosaRugosa]

Sorry, I ought to add that he is 45, I am 36 and he has only had two long term relationships - one with another much older woman, who sadly passed away a few years before we met, and one with this current girlfriend who is also much older.

 

I am the only younger woman he has had a thing for as far as I know. I am also wondering if there is any significance in this. Also neither of us has ever married...I have two children, he has none.

 

I'm wondering if he was trying to suss out my level of interest before committing himself, or if he wants now to settle down instead of having such a difficult logistical arrangement? And mostly, what it is about when someone tells you they like you both. I mean when I love a person, I don't generally have much time for anyone else.

[aerogurl87]

If he'll leave her for you and/or do romantic stuff with you behind her back, what's going to stop him from doing the same to you when he gets bored of your relationship (if you choose to start one with him)? Just something to think about.

[TMichaels]

Welcome to LS, RosaRugosa.

 

But sheesh! You really need to get a better dictionary than the one you've been using, because IMO your translations of this guy's words and actions are WAY off the mark...

 

 

'I've never held you like this before, have I?' (meaning: 'this time I mean it, don't worry'?)

 

Uh, no. I really doubt that's what he means. How about... "I think I'm such a Casanova that I can feed you this line and you'll swoon?"

 

'I only see her every other weekend, and it's not enough' (meaning: 'I am fed up with her not wanting to move closer so am punishing her by being with you'? Or 'I am ending my relationship with her because it's not working out'?)

 

More likely: "I don't want to dump my "Sugar Mama" but I need a local booty call to satisfy my needs -- and DAMN! -- here you are! "

 

'I am truly a man in two worlds' (meaning: 'I have been watching a few too many romantic films and this is what they say when they are having a bit on the side'?)

 

How about...

 

"I am quite enamored with myself and think I'm quite the ladies' man. Case in point, you already told me you weren't interested in seeing me while I was seeing someone else, but I'm still seeing 'someone else' which you know yet you're willing to hold hands, cuddle and lap up the few crumbs of attention and b.s. lines I've been throwing your way. Yep, it won't be long now before you're on my hook, too."

 

Seriously, RosaRugosa... I don't care how "lovely" you think this guy is, he's bad news.

 

He obviously has "a thing" for older women, otherwise he wouldn't be/have been in a relationship with these other women for so long. I think you are just kidding yourself that somehow he's going to or is interested in turning over a new leaf for you.

 

TBH, I don't know why you persist in "being friends" with this man. Don't waste your time -- find someone who is truly available and get on with your life instead of carrying a torch for someone who sounds like nothing more than a cad.

 

To answer you original question? YES, I think he's using you.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

Edited July 4, 2010 by TMichaels

[runninghardandlong]

It can be hard to break away from someone you've had for a long time. I've been there. I was stuck with a girl for 2 years and spent a year trying to justify getting rid of her. I'd seek others to replace her, because it's so hard to be alone. Strange right? Miserable with one but miserable without her too. Maybe he's trying to break free and just has to make the transition---it really is hard just to get rid of someone and be alone, hoping to find someone else later. If you're not going to pick him up, he may prefer to stay stuck with her.

 

Most guys are players though. And I see exactly what the other posters are saying. Who's to say he won't do the same to you? Instead of worrying about where he is and how he stands with her, where does he stand on what his intentions are with you? What does he want out of you?

[RosaRugosa]

Thankyou all for your answers, it's really helpful to get some perspective on this. The last thing I want to do is get excited when I know he is not really in much of a different position to last time. Just to answer a few things, I keep him as a friend because he helps me out, I like his company, just chatting etc. but I'm not about to start chasing him around because that just makes me feel bad.

 

I also feel a bit sorry for the girlfriend, not having much of a clue what their set-up is about, or who is doing what to whom, that's all way over my head. I don't want to get involved in that at all.

 

I agree he is probably using me. It would be a shame and maybe that's just the kind of guy he is - but he has put a lot of effort in over the last month or so, basically I'm getting a new car and he has been to see a good few with me to test them out (it's his job) and has also spent several hours, unprompted, on the internet trying to find a decent one for me. He's also been speaking to my ex - also unprompted - to try and get him to treat me properly with regard to the children.

 

I never anticipated this and it made me feel very protected and safe. So in short he is trying hard to make me feel good in a lot of ways. That's why I started thinking along the same lines as Running:

 

It can be hard to break away from someone you've had for a long time. I've been there. I was stuck with a girl for 2 years and spent a year trying to justify getting rid of her. I'd seek others to replace her, because it's so hard to be alone. Strange right? Miserable with one but miserable without her too. Maybe he's trying to break free and just has to make the transition---it really is hard just to get rid of someone and be alone, hoping to find someone else later. If you're not going to pick him up, he may prefer to stay stuck with her.

 

He's hinted in the past that he is actually afraid of her and the reaction if he leaves her. She does seem quite a scary woman in some of the things he's mentioned. This is not a behaviour I would really support or want to do myself - I mean, finding the replacement before you leave someone you're not happy with - but I understand a lot of people do it, maybe especially guys as they seem to benefit from having a partner more than us girls do (I mean physiologically - longer and healthier lives for married men apparently!)

 

Maybe it isn't a brilliant way of doing things but I have known a lot of successful relationships start when one person is already involved.

 

I don't know - I will continue to think it over when I have free time, but the major thing it hangs on is his next move. If he comes back expecting me to leap into bed with him, until the next weekend when he goes there again, I'll laugh it off and tell him to let me know when he is single.

 

We might have a serious talk depending on his mood.

 

Or he might volunteer information, maybe he is actually going to leave her - who knows. I will update if anything interesting happens!

 

Thankyou very much once more. Btw I am in the UK so that's why the time lag between posts. Hope that's Ok.

Edited July 4, 2010 by RosaRugosa
to adjust spelling and remove random extra sentence!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I will not give anything physical while he is still attached.

 

You already have. The holding hands and cuddling up is his green light. Once they get in that door, its only a matter of time.

 

You seem vulnerable to these predatory types - first the married guy and now this guy.

 

You may want to consider that you are not being courted, you are being preyed on by guys who seem to know that they can get away with it with you. If I were you I wouldn't be flattered, I'd be pissed off that someone thought so little of me.

[RosaRugosa]

You already have. The holding hands and cuddling up is his green light. Once they get in that door, its only a matter of time.

 

You seem vulnerable to these predatory types - first the married guy and now this guy.

 

You may want to consider that you are not being courted, you are being preyed on by guys who seem to know that they can get away with it with you. If I were you I wouldn't be flattered, I'd be pissed off that someone thought so little of me.

 

Thanks Lucrezia...I see what you mean. And perhaps the signals I have been giving him have been far too willing, ie being affectionate and so on.

 

I blame myself for that but I thought I could be affectionate in a friendly way with the knowledge it was going no further. The fact he's taken it up and run with it is the thing.

 

I suppose none of us actually knows his proper motives at present but it shouldn't take too long to figure out, now these things have been happening it is the ideal opportunity to actually discuss it with him and get a straight answer, well, try to elicit one anyway.

 

If I can't get a definite 'Yes, you can be my girlfriend now, if you want to be, and I am not going to see her any more' then basically that's finished and I will just continue being friends with him.

 

I wish he was more direct with me and I wish he would have gotten over his present relationship before trying to get this one on the road.

 

I mean it when I say I won't stand for him being intimate with me (in any way) while he continues to see her. That is crappy for both of us women and I have been there a long time ago and never wish to again.

 

Thanks again for all the advice, you are the experts I think on these boards so I am grateful for your time talking me through this.

[RosaRugosa]

What I mean is, I suppose why I posted is that I feel caught between being elated by the prospect of a proper relationship with him, and really (as you say) pissed off that he is once more playiong me along.

 

It's finding out which way it's gonna go, isn't it - hopefully I'll know soon.

[her_halo_slipped]

Hi guys. I'm not certain where to put this but figured that knowing about the dynamics of LDRs would really help with my question, and I don't really know much about how it works.

So I would really appreciate your thoughts.

 

It's quite a long story but I'll try to paraphrase. We met about 10 years ago and he introduced himself right away, everyone told me he really, really liked me but I was seeing someone then, and was deeply in love so only went out a few times with him as a friend. Eventually I thought it best to make it clear I was never going to date him as he wanted and then he left me alone.

 

A few years passed and I started seeing his friend from work. He said how lucky his friend was, asked me if it was serious, I said yes but immediately started to wonder, as I realised how lovely this guy was - it had taken me several years to see it I suppose.

 

Me and the friend broke up a few months later. Meanwhile the nice guy had started seeing a much older woman, who lived about 150km away. I was quite in love with him by the time my relationship ended but he was seeing her now, so I was really sad. I did eventually tell him I liked him, because he continued to speak to me as though he really still liked me and I wasn't sure what was going on.

 

Anyway fast forward 4/5 years and he still sees her, they haven't moved closer, and he is clearly very attached to her emotionally. BUT he has started to do things for me and yesterday made a move. I am not sure what to think.

 

I adore him and he knows that. I have already told him off big time about a year ago when he kissed me and I thought he was leaving her for me, but he wasn't. So he knows I'm not up for being his extra girlfriend! But he has said the following which are my only clues:

 

'I've never held you like this before, have I?' (meaning: 'this time I mean it, don't worry'?)

 

'I only see her every other weekend, and it's not enough' (meaning: 'I am fed up with her not wanting to move closer so am punishing her by being with you'? Or 'I am ending my relationship with her because it's not working out'?)

 

'I am truly a man in two worlds' (meaning: 'I have been watching a few too many romantic films and this is what they say when they are having a bit on the side'?)

 

He has gone to see her today and will be back tomorrow evening. We only held hands and cuddled a bit - no kissing, no touching really. I will not give anything physical while he is still attached.

 

I am trying my best to be sceptical but at the same time, if he DOES decide me wants to choose me over her finally (and I'm not holding my breath - will still be friends if not) would his attitude preclude it being a good idea to start an actual relationship with him - or do you interpret his behaviour as someone just using me?

 

Thankyou for reading and please ask if I haven't been clear enough, it's a bit complicated..

I don't mean to sound rude RR but a few weeks ago you were madly in love with a man from school who you sat next to on the bench while waiting for your kids. Now you are madly in love with a friend from your past?

Which is it?

It seems to me that you are bored and lonely and just clinging to anyone who comes along. A friendly gesture is easily misinterpreted by you into something it isn't. You are reading so much into situations that may not mean anything and to declare that you are in love? That is just plain ridiculous.

My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and your situation and identify what is missing and then make some changes to get things on track. Choosing MM is not your option. It will only lead to more heartache and confusion.

good luck.

[RosaRugosa]

I don't mean to sound rude RR but a few weeks ago you were madly in love with a man from school who you sat next to on the bench while waiting for your kids. Now you are madly in love with a friend from your past?

Which is it?

It seems to me that you are bored and lonely and just clinging to anyone who comes along. A friendly gesture is easily misinterpreted by you into something it isn't. You are reading so much into situations that may not mean anything and to declare that you are in love? That is just plain ridiculous.

My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and your situation and identify what is missing and then make some changes to get things on track. Choosing MM is not your option. It will only lead to more heartache and confusion.

good luck.

 

Okay. You're probably right. I am lonely and I lack much of a social life - I have two very young kids. I have not had aa relationship since before my younger child was born.

 

I'm not sure why this is really relevant though...surely all of us fall in love or get interested in people because we like their company and wish for someone to share our thoughts and feelings with? Or is that just me?

 

I've liked this man for a few years, without really fancying anyone else much until the man at school came along, and I knew he was basically an outlet for my frustrations and loneliness - if you read my thread about that, I mention how I know it's inappropriate but that I have just kind of slipped into it because I am lonely and so on. I was asking for help to stop thinking about him in that way.

 

There might well be something missing from my life but I don't really know what it is. I still don't quite understand why it is wrong of me to wish for love, though

 

Btw I hope you don't think I'm messing about or making stuff up - I wouldn't do that. These things are embarrassing enough for a 30 something single woman - I wouldnt put myself through the humiliation unless I actually felt the need for people's advice.

 

But thankyou for trying to help anyway.

[RosaRugosa]

...and just in case anyone still thinks I want to get it on with the married man from the other thread, I've updated the thread and explained how I am not really interested in him any more and the feeings have passed, which I thought was a good thing.

 

I hope that clarifies things a bit.

 

I'm basically here, on my own, and yes it is nice when a man appears interested in me, and yes I get excited about that. I try really hard not to, but it's difficult not to cling to some kind of hope when you have been let down so much and have nobody to talk to.

 

I hope I don't sound antagonistic - I'm just feeling really upset by some of the assumptions being made and so on. I feel like I can't say anything right.

[RosaRugosa]

Hello,

 

I'm just updating for the benefit of anyone who might still be slightly interested in this saga.

 

It's been three weeks since my last entry, and there has been progress.

 

He has been super attentive, and spent a lot of time with me and my children. He has bought things for us and been here a lot and we have had a lot of conversations.

 

However, despite telling me his feelings for her are gone, he seems reluctant to get on with finishing their relationship.

 

First it is one excuse, then another. She apparently has been through a lot, and he is afraid to end it with her because 'she will be gutted' and he doesn't want to be cruel. Apparently.

 

I am finding it very hard to believe any of this stuff, and so I have finished it with him. I told him how crappy I have been feeling, knowing he is still seeing her albeit every couple of weeks - and he listened and suggested that he doesn't see me for a month, finishes his existing relationship properly, and then contacts me again and if I am still available, we can make a fresh start.

 

I don't think he will. He seems to be stalling all the time and I guess it's possible he is genuine, and just afraid of confrontation with her, but to me it seems he hasn't really chosen either of us. I think he just wants to have sex with me while staying with her. But he swears otherwise.

 

Anyway I feel far better knowing I won't see him for a month. He said it will kill him, because he loves me and wants to be around me (we have been having two hour phone calls most nights, which will stop now)

 

but it's not my problem and if he is genuinely that keen to be with me, he might find it an incentive to finish with her sooner.

 

He's not the most emotionally enlightened of men. I can see that clearly now. But I don't think he is malicious - just a bit neanderthal.

 

Either way it's his problem and I am happy without him, because I cannot properly attach to someone I am second guessing the whole time - it's just painful and pretty stupid to get into.

 

Thankyou for your time and consideration on this forum - it has helped me to write these things down whether or not anyone answers.