An Anonymous Letter

[lowblow]

So, our son married his pregnant GF. Thank you for all the input LS members gave me during a time of distress. Two months before the wedding, I got an anonymous letter telling me to postpone the wedding till the child is born and giving details of her past and telling me what a wh*re she was etc indicating the child is not be his. I showed the letter to my wife and we were visibly upset but calmed down as time passed and decided that we will not show the letter to our son for various reasons especially because it was signed “son’s friends”. We had already decided to support the couple moving forward and this letter was not going to change much.

 

As time passed (day or two), the puzzle started to come together. About 95% of the contents on the letter were communicated to me in person by a very close friend of mine and his wife communicated the same message to my wife, who are sisters. The letter is almost word for word and construction of sentences point in their direction and to cap it off, one of their favorite sentences of encouragement ends the letter. My good friend who contacts me about twice a week has completely gone off the radar, who is otherwise a best friend. He called me only to tell me that work prevents him (God Father) from attending the wedding. I said, “you should be telling your god son, and not me” yet he never called our son.

 

We were perplexed since this was close family and his god parents are very religious, yet encouraging us to allow a child to be born out of wedlock? These are twice a week church goers. As time went by, things got a little more clearer. We bought our son a car not too long ago to which they had serious issues with and when we decided to buy the couple a condo, they once again had issues and my wife got an earful from her sister telling her that we were making a big mistake. During the conversation she happened to mention that if we bought the couple a condo, they’d have to buy a house for their child who is also getting married late this year. Therefore, we were putting them in a difficult situation.

 

As more time went by, it became apparent that my best friend and his wife have been in competition with us for over 10 years. They follow us and try to beat us in everything we do. I have been disclosing everything to my best friend and they quickly follow suite. About 10 years ago, I discussed a business plan in full detail with my friend and they are in the same business on the same street selling the same product and service today. They even asked me if they could copy my web site. I recently bought a two-seater vehicle (very impractical for most) and my friend told me he’s looking for a similar used one. Most of their furniture is identical to ours (same colors/design) but more upscale. We decided to build a custom home and they followed suite, on the adjacent lot and completed it before us. I never saw them as competition because they are close family and since the letter arrived, I’m seeing a lot of things I didn’t see before. Due to our relationship and friendship I never kept anything from them. Their competition mentality is finally getting under my skin. Its my friends wife (sister in law) who is driving my friend to follow suit.

 

Their family did not attend my son’s wedding and the ensuing party or shower. I’m thinking of not attending their child’s wedding in anger of what has transpired. I am also on the verge of cutting ties with them as this competition mentality is not sitting well with me. Their cowardly act of writing an anonymous letter discrediting my daughter in law’s past and so on is really bugging me. Should I discuss the letter with my son? Since I’m not sure of their motive, should I caution them taking the baby to their place?

 

I want to hear how you’ll think I should handle this situation as I’m not thinking intelligently and don’t seem to be stable on this matter as there’s anger and rage I’m trying to suppress. Feel free to say as you please as you will not offend me and I want to evaluate every angle. LS member input last time helped me think logically and I took the high road which has been a win-win for our family well being.

 

Thank you in advance. I’m going to sit back and digest your views and opinions.

[Ronni_W]

Hey lb.

Congrats to your son and his new bride I trust things are going well with all of you, and that the soon-to-be-parents are happy and healthy.

 

I would not discuss that stupid letter with your son, or anyone else ever again. To me, doing so would give the stupid letter and its ignorant author(s) way too much respect and dignity, and be a waste of your own precious energy. If you have not yet down so, shred it and then burn it. That is the only fate it deserves. It was written by an unloving, unkind, ignorant person, or people as the case may be. Ignore it in its entirety, and work towards forgetting about it completely.

 

I also would not punish the couple's child, your niece/nephew (right?), because of the parents' ignorance, arrogance and immaturity. Treat their child how you WISH they would treat yours. Stay true to your own values and principles rather than trying to imitate far lesser ones.

Be a role-model for your own children, as well as for the unfortunate children who do not have good role models. Adult children still need guidance, support and love. I would not take that away from your niece/nephew just because s/he has idiots for parents.

 

In reality, your post refers to 3 or 4 different relationships but you seem to have conflated all of them. I would suggest to see and treat them separately and differently.

 

When deciding on your future attitude, feelings and behaviour towards your wife's sister and brother-in-law...well, you kinda do need to factor in that it is your wife's sister and brother-in-law. It is your child's aunt and uncle. YOU have an option of demoting him down to "acquaintance" from "friend", but your wife and child (and grandchild) do not have any such options. And the woman remains your sister-in-law no matter how you will ultimately view her husband...and her, for that matter.

 

You can decide to emotionally distance yourself. And to have compassion for their ignorance, arrogance and immaturity. And to feel flattered by them trying to imitate your life and lifestyle. And to just stay true to you; to be the best husband, dad and granddad that you can be; and to keep yourself above other people's ignorance and arrogance (to NOT let that kind of idiocy get under your skin or take you out of alignment with your own values and what you hold dear.)

 

Short answer: STAY ON THAT HIGH ROAD -- the view from there is always better!

 

Maybe?

Edited July 3, 2010 by Ronni_W
clarification

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So, our son married his pregnant GF. Thank you for all the input LS members gave me during a time of distress. Two months before the wedding, I got an anonymous letter telling me to postpone the wedding till the child is born and giving details of her past and telling me what a wh*re she was etc indicating the child is not be his. I showed the letter to my wife and we were visibly upset but calmed down as time passed and decided that we will not show the letter to our son for various reasons especially because it was signed “son’s friends”. We had already decided to support the couple moving forward and this letter was not going to change much.

 

As more time went by, it became apparent that my best friend and his wife have been in competition with us for over 10 years. They follow us and try to beat us in everything we do. I have been disclosing everything to my best friend and they quickly follow suite. Their competition mentality is finally getting under my skin. Its my friends wife (sister in law) who is driving my friend to follow suit.

 

Their family did not attend my son’s wedding and the ensuing party or shower. I’m thinking of not attending their child’s wedding in anger of what has transpired. I am also on the verge of cutting ties with them as this competition mentality is not sitting well with me.

 

I want to hear how you’ll think I should handle this situation as I’m not thinking intelligently and don’t seem to be stable on this matter as there’s anger and rage I’m trying to suppress.

 

Thank you in advance. I’m going to sit back and digest your views and opinions.

 

 

It sounds as if you don't know the meaning of the word "competition".

 

You cannot find a solution until you cease to be part of the problem.