Wife says she doesn't know if she wants to stay

[hopesndreams]

bizenlaw,

So do you believe there is an OM or does it even matter?

 

YES, it matters BIG TIME! Have your investigations showed up anything unusual? If there is an OM, and whether or not you find out about one, YOU CANNOT COMPETE! So, don't even bother trying. You have been with her 20 years. She is after the butterflies and looking for the greener grass. Only she can come to the realization that she is making a HUGE mistake. In order for her to do that, she must suffer the consequences. The biggest consequence is no longer having you to rely on and support her. As long as you are there holding her hand and giving a shoulder and making things EASY on her, she will just continue on with what she is doing.

I didn't keep it together very well. It feels like she is being coached. The board games with the kids, the spaghetti strapped low cut shirts and high heels have stopped and she is wearing still the new clothes but now on the more conservative side of the closet. She upped the ante with "I need to know what you are going to do because I have an appt with a Realtor". I wasn't expecting nor was I ready for that.

 

Couple of things are bothering me. One was the OM talking about an enlarged prostate making f**king "damn near" impossible. Two things about that. 1) I told W that and she said, "Well there ya' go" like that was proof nothing was happening between them when you can do lots of other things with each other too. And 2) Whenever someone lies they like to give lots of extra details...I felt like this COULD be one of those moments. They have so many people watching them. My snitch at her work, her boss, his biker GF. I know I know you cant watch someone 24/7 whitish brings me to another interesting thing she said earlier in the week.

 

"Are you having me followed and are you tracking my car with GPS?" And I told her no. Now I kind of want to do something because if your not doing anything wrong wy would you have to ask those questions.

 

That's right. If there is nothing to hide, why the big fuss?

Why the preoccupation with the OM with me. I look at my bet friend for 21 years and I look at my twin 6 year old children and can not believe it has come to this. I know I am blind to much of what you are telling me and proof of the OM would make me mad enough to see through my own fog.

 

Proof of the OM? What kind of proof do you need? Do you need him to walk up to you, introduce himself as OM, shake your hand and buy you a beer?

 

vestigalvirgin,

Those are not good odds. Other than a DNA swab I can't crack this nut.

 

She hugged me goodbye and asked me what I had on my agenda today and I said I had my morning appt. She knows its with my lawyer and got a little stern look and walked off.

 

I just told her I would not file today...I think the L just wants info to start if thats what I still want to do.

 

Then I will go to Sportsclips get a haircut and go clothes shopping for ME.

 

Chuck

 

Clothes and haircut, nice. Putting yourself first, very nice. The greatest gift you can give yourself now is to do the 180. I know it's difficult to implement but it's your only chance. It may seem like you are doing nothing by "doing nothing", but it is doing something!!!

[hopesndreams]

b. End the marriage, destroy a family, roll the dice with OM

 

choice b : This is a pesky one, particularly if OM is married too. It isn't a pretty option for her at all...

 

This is what you are facing. The more time you give her the more chance she has to set something up that suits HER needs. She isn't caring about your needs or the kids needs and hasn't done for quite the while. The time you once had for her to get her head out her arse is ticking away.

 

She is coming first in all this mess. While you are in limbo land, your choice btw, she is scheming and most likely feeling quite chuffed with herself, coz she has you, just where she wants you, hanging on by a thread.

[Chuck66]

Tonight she comes happy as a clam. I can tell she has something on her mind but I do my own thing and wait for it. She is cordial and relaxed. She says I talked to one of her co-workers (not recently) about her buying underwear she says looking incredulously? I said it was included in a large laundry list of changes I have seen in you. She said she would like to expedite the D and use mediation to make things less expensive and wants to do it on Monday. She says we can work something out equitably through mediation and my lawyer says you will not get full custody of the kids. She wants to sell the car that I gave her at my retirement ceremony. She says she doesn't need two cars. She asked what my lawyer said today and if I filed for D. I said my lawyer just went over my rights. This will be one of my last posts as it is recommended by counsel not to discuss anything else about my case on here. I will ask the mods tomorrow if they can drop my entire thread. I am headed to a parade tomorrow with the kids and she says she will not attend and will take them out with her mom for some fun on Sun. We end our night playing with the kids for over an hour all together everyone having fun and laughing like there was never ever a problem...it felt surreal.

 

Chuck

Edited July 10, 2010 by Chuck66

[Chuck66]

So Fri night I said let's de-escalate things and I will not go to your work uninvited. She says that would be nice. I said what do yu have for me? Let me think about it. Next morning still thinking. Comes home from work and say you told one of our employees I bought new underwear. Yes I said (it was in a laundry list of changes I could not understand). She says I have my offering for you. Lets go ahead with mediation which is much cheaper than a D and lets go over times this weekend. She says I want you to be happy and you want me gone. I don't say a word.

 

Today (Sat) I take the kids to a parade and all over the state (and got my haircut) and she was gone all day.. I asked no questions. We tag teamed all the parenting chores and got them to bed and she says do you want to go over the mediation stuff tonight. I said I need to talk to my lawyer if thats even a good idea. She says do you have an appointment? I said you told me Friday night and I've been gone all day today, no I don not. She also got a notice in the mail the her IC needs paperwork filled out 5 days in advance and canceled her Mon appt. She said she's not making a new one whats the point? I have a Mon appt I will keep.

 

I did say remember when you said "you can have the house you can have all the money" and she cuts me off and says "that's not gunna happen" I said I just want you to remember the conversation...because you wanted certain pieces of furniture, what were those? I'll tell you if we sit down and talk about division of assets for the mediator. No thanks I said I will wait and talk to my lawyer.

 

Then she says Since I had the kids all day today she and her mom will take them to Spray Park (water park for little kids) and afterward she says you can come over their their house for hot dogs. No thanks I said.

 

And then the last one I was lucky on. I did a 180 by accident. After being gone from 9am until 4 pm with the kids I thought it strange I got no phone calls all day. I checked my phone after I got home and its on vibrate and she had called. I asked did you call me and she rolls her eyes thinking that I purposely ignored her call. I didn't but it followed the 180 anyway.

 

Chuck

[hopesndreams]

And then the last one I was lucky on. I did a 180 by accident. After being gone from 9am until 4 pm with the kids I thought it strange I got no phone calls all day. I checked my phone after I got home and its on vibrate and she had called. I asked did you call me and she rolls her eyes thinking that I purposely ignored her call. I didn't but it followed the 180 anyway.

 

Niiiiiice one!!

 

Feels good to get that bit of control back eh? It's empowering. It's about time she gets to deal with a bit of confusion. A couple weeks of this sort of thing and it may throw her for a loop. She's has been getting her way all this time. The power has shifted.

 

Don't show any weakness now. She will pick up on it and use it to her advantage.

 

Do things on your time frame. Don't let her goad you. Do not let her rush you.

 

You're in charge now.

[Chuck66]

The TA-DA MOMENT,

 

She wants to get the divorce over quickly. She said its best for everybody. She said I am too controlling and she doesn't show much affection. She said that's who I am and that's who you are and we are not going to change after 21 yrs of marriage. She said last year she decided to lose weight and she did and she thought she looked pretty good and her confidence level increased. She said then YOU thought I was loosing too much weight when she still thought she looked good. She said I thought she had an eating disorder and starting setting vitamins out for her. Then wrapped breakfast items to take to work. Then snacks left in her car. she said I never quit! She said the controlling was so bad I put real coke into a diet coke bottle so she would get more calories. She said the resentment for all that controlling has been building for a year.

 

Ta-DA.....She is 100% right!!! What kind of freak am I? I did do all of that! She said all the new clothes, the tanning, the working late is for HER and I had no say in it so it felt good. There is no OM never was never will be.

 

She still wants to push for forward with the divorce because she says she is not an affectionate person and will probably be the same with the next person. She said sorry, it wasn't personal when I was not affectionate with you. She said maybe you wont be controlling with someone new or someone can handle it better. But its just best for both of us to go our own ways. She says I am sure you have a lot of anger just like I do. Lets do this amicably and fast and get it over with.

 

I am controlling... I wish she would have talked about marriage counselling instead of stewing on this for a year.

 

Now what?

 

 

Chuck

[habs53]

The TA-DA MOMENT,

 

She wants to get the divorce over quickly. She said its best for everybody. She said I am too controlling and she doesn't show much affection. She said that's who I am and that's who you are and we are not going to change after 21 yrs of marriage. She said last year she decided to lose weight and she did and she thought she looked pretty good and her confidence level increased. She said then YOU thought I was loosing too much weight when she still thought she looked good. She said I thought she had an eating disorder and starting setting vitamins out for her. Then wrapped breakfast items to take to work. Then snacks left in her car. she said I never quit! She said the controlling was so bad I put real coke into a diet coke bottle so she would get more calories. She said the resentment for all that controlling has been building for a year.

 

Ta-DA.....She is 100% right!!! What kind of freak am I? I did do all of that! She said all the new clothes, the tanning, the working late is for HER and I had no say in it so it felt good. There is no OM never was never will be.

 

She still wants to push for forward with the divorce because she says she is not an affectionate person and will probably be the same with the next person. She said sorry, it wasn't personal when I was not affectionate with you. She said maybe you wont be controlling with someone new or someone can handle it better. But its just best for both of us to go our own ways. She says I am sure you have a lot of anger just like I do. Lets do this amicably and fast and get it over with.

 

I am controlling... I wish she would have talked about marriage counselling instead of stewing on this for a year.

 

Now what?

 

 

Chuck

Tell her not to let the door hit her ass on the way out. Let her see how better it is out there. Not

[What_Next]

Chuck give her what she wants. It's done my friend.

[Chuck66]

All this time I was looking for a reason to the problem and the reason is ME! I never realized I sucked so much! So are you saying its too little too late and she is done for good? Then why does she even tell me? Is it because it doesn't matter now because she ain't coming back? Can't IC fix me?

 

Chuck

[habs53]

All this time I was looking for a reason to the problem and the reason is ME! I never realized I sucked so much! So are you saying its too little too late and she is done for good? Then why does she even tell me? Is it because it doesn't matter now because she ain't coming back? Can't IC fix me?

 

Chuck

Its hard but if you want any chance at all, let her go. Its not your fault, stop blaming yourself. Its both. She gave up and you never. In my book, that makes you the better person. Let her go and feel guilty and she will.

[hopesndreams]

All this time I was looking for a reason to the problem and the reason is ME! I never realized I sucked so much! So are you saying its too little too late and she is done for good? Then why does she even tell me? Is it because it doesn't matter now because she ain't coming back? Can't IC fix me?

 

Chuck

 

Chuck, there isn't a WS on the planet that doesn't turn against who they are leaving and making them out to be the villain. By doing this, they get away guilt free and never have to do any inner contemplation and find out their own faults and deal with their own demons.

 

Do you honestly believed you sucked for 21 years? C'mon now, honestly?

[Chuck66]

Me changing out Cokes is pretty odd freakin' behaviour. I do have 90% of the money in my name and buy what I want without consulting her. I am 20 years military...the teach us to be controlling for heaven's sake! She was calm as a cucumber and said she takes 50% responsibility for this relationship and she apologized for not being affectionate. One of the symptoms of being in a controlling relationship is losing affection for your spouse. So it's the chicken or the egg. If this is a guilt trip I got the luxury ticket because I think she has valid points.

[Chuck66]

She keeps saying I am doing this to make YOU happy. You will be happier without me. I did go to the attorney first and I am the LBS. I really truly don't believe there is an OM. Does a LBS divorce his wife without an EA/PA? I think she wants me to fight for her and I am not...or haven't been. I saw all the months people on here have been on the roller-coaster and I just wanted to get to the end quicker than you all. But in doing so did I jump too quickly over steps that may have changed the course of our R? My point is: Did I hop on the D wagon to avoid getting hurt over and over on the roller-coaster? Without an OM am I even on the same ride? Yes there are troubles that need fixing but my pushing/escalation for a D has not helped.

 

Chuck

Edited July 11, 2010 by Chuck66

[habs53]

She keeps saying I am doing this to make YOU happy. You will be happier without me. I did go to the attorney first and I am the LBS. I really truly don't believe there is an OM. Does a LBS divorce his wife without an EA/PA? I think she wants me to fight for her and I am not...or haven't been. I saw all the months people on here have been on the roller-coaster and I just wanted to get to the end quicker than you all. But in doing so did I jump too quickly over steps that may have changed the course of our R? My point is: Did I hop on the D wagon to avoid getting hurt over and over on the roller-coaster? Without an OM am I even on the same ride? Yes there are troubles that need fixing but my pushing/escalation for a D has not helped.

 

Chuck

My wife did the same thing. Turned everything back to me. Maybe she does want you to fight for her. Thats hard to tell with all the riddles woman can use. One couple told me that they did not change there mind until they were both sitting to sign the deforce papers. Anything can happen.

[habs53]

Chuck, there isn't a WS on the planet that doesn't turn against who they are leaving and making them out to be the villain. By doing this, they get away guilt free and never have to do any inner contemplation and find out their own faults and deal with their own demons.

 

Do you honestly believed you sucked for 21 years? C'mon now, honestly?

 

I agree with this, i told my wife i do not feel one bit guilty when she left. I admitted not being the best husband at times but firmly told her i was not a quitter. Did no good but i told her.

[Chuck66]

Easier now to believe its rhetoric. At first I thought things were looking up. She went into her little office and starting playing one of my favorite songs on the guitar. Then she came out grumpy and drinking. Day-care/Summer school check is due tomorrow and she is writing the check out from our old acct that I am no longer on. I put $5k in there for her and she chided at her allowance. I never called it that. She said she needs me to deposit half of the $185 into her acct to pay for day care because she can't afford to pay for it and should probably take the kids out(I would be watching them) because we cant afford it. I said I will pay the full amount and she walked off muttering.

 

I'm staying the course..

 

Chuck

[spriggig]

All this time I was looking for a reason to the problem and the reason is ME! I never realized I sucked so much! So are you saying its too little too late and she is done for good? Then why does she even tell me? Is it because it doesn't matter now because she ain't coming back? Can't IC fix me?

 

Chuck

 

You own half of the marriage, she owns the other half. You've recognized your odd behavior and are probably engaged in a little introspection right now.

 

She, on the other hand, is probably still telling herself this is all your fault and completely avoiding responsibility for her half of the marriage. If nothing else, she has a responsibility to speak up and get your attention when she is unhappy.

 

The details change, but the way this story plays out is always similar. To whit, the talks you're having with your wife, the things she is saying, are so much like my experience and I've read many accounts on this site that fit the same profile.

 

A strong 180 with LC might snap her out of it--I think it's worth going full force with this since you seem convinced she's not having an affair. My wife noticed my 180, but she WAS having an affair, so it didn't help.

[Chuck66]

Today she takes the kids to her mom's and I stay home and make 5 book-shleves with a million screws and nails. I never leave the house. They get back and I make the kids supper and play and read until bedtime. W keeps wanting to talk about money. About daycare. About cancelling the window treatments that SHE ordered weeks ago. And how much the landscaping is going to cost. I We are in a new house with mud as far as the eye can see and it needs sod/plants. I keep deflecting and doing something else not to answer her questions. She drinks some wine, watches Dumb and Dumber and is in a good mood until I put on my only pair of jeans that fit (I've lost so much weight!) and a t-shirt and tell her I'm going out for a little while.

 

Daggers come across the room, "WHO IS SHE?" I said there is no she. "WHO IS HE, THEN?" There is no one. I've been in this house all day and I have to stay in the house all day tomorrow waiting for the grage door man to get here. I just want to go out. Where are you going? It's none of your concern.

 

I get home with the kids and have been here four fuqking hours and now you want to go out. Oh that's how you want to play this? I know what you are doing!

 

I go the 15 miles to town at 8:30 pm. Go to Walmart buy some jeans that fit and some food for the kids and I am home by 9:40. I put the groceries away and the house is dark. She is in bed and I say are you in here? She says, "Where else could I go I was stuck in this house with the kids?" I said I wanted to get out for awhile and waited until I put the kids to bed so you wouldn't have to deal with all that.. She said, "About you being stuck here, I go to work, and wrote the $185 check for the day-care/summer school for the week and you don't have to work and can go all day and you're stuck?

 

She had been thinking up that one while I was at Walmart I'm guessing, so immediately I say how is this different than the year we lived in Korea and I worked 12 hours shifts and you sent the kids to day-care one block away and you never had a job? She had a long pause and said I guess it isn't? I started to walk out and she says I guess I will look for a second job to pay for the kids summer school and I said I will pay for all of it. She said it doesn't matter we are both paying for half... I am not sure what she is talking about. We have enough savings between us that we can easily afford this until Aug when the kids start school.

 

And I am back on the fence about the OM. His answers were too detailed about his prostrate and she still followed the pattern and hit 50% of the list of things cheaters do. If there was on OM, I think me going up to her work nosing around and confronting the guys GF messed up whatever she had going.

 

She has paperwork her L gave her to tally our assets and acct numbers and wants me to help since she cant see all the accounts. She said she left the paperwork at work and we can work on it tomorrow. I told her the L can use our SSN's and find out our accts.

 

She had also said, "You want me to leave because it helps your case. Well I'm not leaving the house". At other times she says she is trying to do this amicably so it doesn't cost us a lot in legal fees and so you can keep the house.

 

I feel the roller-coaster effect now...

[dreamingoftigers]

Why the hell don't you try MC or IC instead of chucking 21 years in the garbage. Could've worked out the affection/sexual thing.

 

As a woman I just don't see an OM in the picture here and I see you invading Poland.

[Chuck66]

I tried to de-escalate and tell her I would stay away from her work and she said that would be nice and would think of something to quid pro quo and then came back the next day with "my olive branch to you is to make you happy and give you your divorce so lets do mediation ASAP."

 

I have thought about your point... I cant get past the "I don't know if I can commit to this relationship." If that answer was different I would be pushing for IC/MC hard. But if you don't know if you are committed then you are not committed.

 

Chuck

Edited July 12, 2010 by Chuck66

[Gunny376]

The first thing you need to do is regain your "center" the core of who and what you are and about! If that means re-defining yourself? So be it.

 

We all need course corrections more than once in our lives?

 

The transition between military life and civilian life is Hugh! As is role-reversal from her being a SAM to your being a SAD?

 

There is still the societal and cultural fallacy that men should be the "bread-winners" and such ~ and that the man should be the one that earns more than the woman ~ yada ~ yada.

 

The fact is?

 

You can pay now and play later ~ and for the rest of your life?

 

Are you can play now, and work for the rest of your life?

 

You and I paid up-front ~ and a lot of people resent that? Down right PO'd about it because they didn't make the same choices nor sacrifices?

 

I don't based upon your most recent posts that there's a EA, PA nor OM.

 

I do believe that your DW is going through a mild MLC.

 

Daggers come across the room, "WHO IS SHE?" I said there is no she. "WHO IS HE, THEN?" There is no one. I've been in this house all day and I have to stay in the house all day tomorrow waiting for the garage door man to get here. I just want to go out. Where are you going? It's none of your concern.

 

 

She's still very much emotionally attached and even in love with you.

 

Your just not communicating your love for her in regards to her "love map" nor her language/communication of what she needs and wants to feel love?

 

Its definitely not physical. Nor emotional. Then again it can be ~ given the moment? She likes for you to scratch her back genitally and softly.

 

I would suggest that you read up on non-sensual massage. Even yoga?

 

Me thinks that the wife isn't having a EA, nor a PA ~ I could be wrong?

 

I think she's going through a form of MLC ~ and re-definition of who and what she is, her life, her being ~ that is a re-definition and re-clarification of who she was and is.

 

Reba McEntire has a song about it, so does KC Olson.

 

"Fried Green Tomatoes" ~ the movie fully addresses women seeking and obtaining self autonomy, awareness, actualization, and validation without such from a man (BTW? Men need to do the same!)

[dreamingoftigers]

I tried to de-escalate and tell her I would stay away from her work and she said that would be nice and would think of something to quid pro quo and then came back the next day with "my olive branch to you is to make you happy and give you your divorce so lets do mediation ASAP."

 

I have thought about your point... I cant get past the "I don't know if I can commit to this relationship." If that answer was different I would be pushing for IC/MC hard. But if you don't know if you are committed then you are not committed.

 

Chuck

 

Trust me, I have been dealt far more vicious words at the hands of my spouse (this does not make it acceptable) but I can say that you won't even know what you are throwing away without some MC. It seems that women and men have a different ways of trying to get their needs met. I see MLC happening here and you ready to toss her without going a fair shot. At menopause women are more likely to toss a long-term relationship because they are completely re-evaluating their lives at this point and some funky changes in their brain happen. You can take the long view, or you can go out guns blazing, up to you but you might want to check what you are shooting for first. I know I would take the same route that I have and I don't regret it. I would just go a little faster this time and sitck to my guns a little more. I chose MC/IC.

 

I see lots of guys on this site do the duck and run or the "take the enemy down" approach and then they wonder where things went wrong. Give some space and seek some help. The more you threaten her, the less responsive she'll be. What is someone supposed to say when you tell them that you are filing for D? "Oh why? You are so wonderful." "Why don't we cuddle and go on a vacation?" Divorce is a LAST resort not a defensive posture, not a point in a feud.

 

At least look up signs that you are ready for a divorce. If you are still really fuming mad or sad or out to show the other person what they are going to miss, then you my friend are not ready. If you aren't ready and are threatening D, all you are doing is dropping napalm on an already volatile situation.

 

The couples that make it through a MLC are the ones where the person not going through it stays calm, steady and centered. You have a better chance of getting your points heard and solving some of your festering difficulties if you are willing to do that. Just stay calm, reasonable and stop having one foot out of the door. Nobody is going to commit fully to someone threatening D.

 

You have kids, they deserve Mom & Dad together at all reasonable costs.

[Gunny376]

Trust me, I have been dealt far more vicious words at the hands of my spouse (this does not make it acceptable) but I can say that you won't even know what you are throwing away without some MC. It seems that women and men have a different ways of trying to get their needs met. I see MLC happening here and you ready to toss her without going a fair shot. At menopause women are more likely to toss a long-term relationship because they are completely re-evaluating their lives at this point and some funky changes in their brain happen. You can take the long view, or you can go out guns blazing, up to you but you might want to check what you are shooting for first. I know I would take the same route that I have and I don't regret it. I would just go a little faster this time and sitck to my guns a little more. I chose MC/IC.

 

I see lots of guys on this site do the duck and run or the "take the enemy down" approach and then they wonder where things went wrong. Give some space and seek some help. The more you threaten her, the less responsive she'll be. What is someone supposed to say when you tell them that you are filing for D? "Oh why? You are so wonderful." "Why don't we cuddle and go on a vacation?" Divorce is a LAST resort not a defensive posture, not a point in a feud.

 

At least look up signs that you are ready for a divorce. If you are still really fuming mad or sad or out to show the other person what they are going to miss, then you my friend are not ready. If you aren't ready and are threatening D, all you are doing is dropping napalm on an already volatile situation.

 

The couples that make it through a MLC are the ones where the person not going through it stays calm, steady and centered. You have a better chance of getting your points heard and solving some of your festering difficulties if you are willing to do that. Just stay calm, reasonable and stop having one foot out of the door. Nobody is going to commit fully to someone threatening D.

 

You have kids, they deserve Mom & Dad together at all reasonable costs.[/quote

 

Agreeded!

 

She's one Hell of a Bitch to Ride?

 

But get in, shut up and ride that Bitch to through and to hell!

 

"When going through Hell? Kee[ on going! Until you get to the otherdside!" ~ Winston Churchill

[Chuck66]

Sheriff just came by and took her for a Polygraph. I'm not kidding! $9k is missing from her work. They asked if she ever had trouble with prescription meds and I told the about the ER visit. They said she told her boss she was going through a divorce and I cut her $ off and asked him if she could work more hours but at the convenience store too (she's in charge of all the corporate finances and now wants to work the register?)too. Then went downstairs to the C-store and bought everyone hamburgers. They thought that was odd since most never see her eat and she just said she needed money and now was buying. She told me she didn't do it and didn't need a lawyer and was supposed to take the Poly at 9:30 pm. And I split a $10k account in half with her. I told the Sheriff she has NO bills. Her car is paid for. I pay her insurance. Other than gas and clothes she has no bills and $5K. I said she spends about $200-300 per month total. She is quite frugal. Even with all the clothes buying she takes them all back.

 

She has also been playing the most depressing song over (When the Heartache Ends by Rob Thomas) over and over every night. Kind of like "The Shinning". She was playing that song tonight when the Sheriff and Deputy came to the door. Tonight included. I think she is in deep depression. I am worried about her. I'm Mr. Mom again tonight.

 

The rumor was he was teaching her more than guitar lessons.

The other one was a manager couldn't find OM for a couple of hours one night and she saw him coming out of my W's office. That's it. That's all I got to go by. That and she hugged him in April at the Bar wear he works 40 feet down the hall from her but she didn't know his GF was 10 feet away! Possible OM and GF had a big fight about it! If I had been in a bar and hugged a girl and my W walked in she would not have been pleased.

 

She drank half a bottle of wine last night. And had a bottle of beer tonight.

 

Don't know about the OM. I thought when the WS buys new bras etc it was when the EA was going to PA. Don't know about the M. She wouldn't do the missing $9k.

 

Bad question to ask if I'm done with the M. Depends on what hour of the day you catch me on. I don't want to be with someone who "is not sure I want to be with you." I want her to love me. Even in the best years there was never jump your bones kind of excitement. She's 5'8" and 105 lbs and is tough to cuddle. She's all elbows and knees. You can't make someone love you and I will always love her.

 

I've been all over this house looking for OM info already so it's clean. It's 11:52 and she is still up there. She called to tell me someone is setting her up and it'a at a convenient time. I said you better knot be thinking that I had nothing to do with this!

 

Another web site asked if she was hooked on amphetamines. She went to the ER for taking too many Fioricet and drank a beer but that is a barbituate. Still not sure why she needed the extra $. $5K is nothing to sneeze at when gas is your only expense. The divorce is making her act out of character so I'm sure that doesn't help with an investigation.

 

I tried to call her L but even if I had a home phone number wouldn't they just say, I'm her divorce attorney not her criminal lawyer? Pills are in her purse and at her work. Can't call the police, that's where she is at.

 

I also sent my trigger happy L two emails. One telling him about her Poly and the other stating DO NOT file D application without my approval first. He may just say he doesn't want me as a client since I wont listen to his advice.

 

I had to put down a $5k retainer for my L and W had to pay $2k retainer for her L. $7k would have bought a lot of IC/MC.

 

Chuck

 

 

Update: She said she failed the poly and didnt take the F**king money and doesn't want to come home right now. She says without the job now she has nothing! She wants to call her mom and dad too.

[Gunny376]

I'm no attorney but I know a lot about a lot of things.

 

I really don't see as how you've any other choice other than to divorce her. Granted failing a polygraph and its results are not admissible in a court of law because its been proven that they can be defeated (usually by social paths) and that there is a very small percentage failure rate ~ that it too say they're not always 100% absolute accurate) When someone fails one its pretty damn sure and certain that they're lying and or concealing the truth.

 

There is that and the drugs, combined with the No. # 1 reason women go to prison is related to theft, larceny, check kiting, credit card fraud, identity theft ~ most often linked with drug abuse.

 

$5K is nothing to a drug addict. That's chump change.

 

I'm telling you to go ahead and divorce her and sever any and all financial co-relationships because they could potentially come after you because you have joint assets with her (i.e. the mortgage)

 

Granted at the end of the day that can't and probally want get spit out of because you weren't personally at fault?

 

But how many tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars are you willing to spend to prove such a point? Just to fight off the legal "sharks" and the cost of doing so ~ could lead to the ruination of you and your children's life? For years and years to come?

 

Per your latest post I'm beginning to believe the so-called OM ~ wasn't so much her lover in an EA or PA ~ but her "drug-buddy"

 

Truck stops and bars are notorious places for such places. Her radical change in behavior, demeanor, attitude, telling your she doesn't care about the money, the children (an here 'noted' in-difference to them) all spells things out pretty clearly to me in my mind.

 

Its not just the embezzlement of the initial $9000 its also court cost, the cost of internal audits, external audits, the employer's legal fees to cover his 'six" on and on and on. He (or She) could even through in emotional distress etc.

 

Now that she's failed the polygraph the investigators are going to be all over her like a pack of hungry dogs on a sick-hair ball hacking, three legged cat!

 

If she's guilty of such? The embezzlement isn't going to be hard to prove because she's going to have left a computer and paper trail from New York to Los Angles. (FYI ~ 411 Most FBI agents? Don't have degrees in Criminal Justice ~ but in Accounting and Law! They follow the paper trail and the accounting ~ which is what took down Al Capone)

 

What I would suggest you do now is DIVORCE her ASAP to protect yourself, your children, and your home.

 

She's going to have to hit the bottom before she can get the help she needs (the daily shopping is indicative of an addictive personality btw)

 

Her own parents have turned their backs on her? Its time for a serious intervention. This is way beyond WAS (Walk A Spouse) or MLC (Mid Life Crisis) or even infidelity.

 

I've seen, read, and heard about much worse cases of embezzlement than just $9K and she's probally looking at restitution and probation with no jail time.

 

At worse she's looking at "work release" (spending the night in the country jail) while working to re-pay the $9K.

 

But what you have to do is circle the wagons and protect yourself, your children, and ownership of your home and your financial assets.

 

Which means divorcing her, (you can always get re-married once she gets herself straightened out and her priorties straight)

 

Kid yourself not! The Shark-lawyers will and can come after you if they smell blood in the water.

 

Take a "fool's advice" ~ I'm not saying I'm always right?

 

But I'm seldom wrong!