Poop or get off the pot!

[konfuzd]

2 years ago my bf told me he wanted us to get married in 2 years. A few months later, he told me that he was going to pop the question 'soon'. I asked him how soon, and he said "probably in a couple weeks".

 

Here I sit, 2 years later, and still no proposal.

 

I asked him after a few months had passed whatever happened to that, and he said that he got really close, then scared himself and decided he didn't really care about getting married anymore. He has promised me that it has nothing to do with me, and he still wants to be with me and is 100% commited to me. We went through a bit of a rough patch at that time because of this, I told him that my ultimate goal was to get married, but not necessarily right away. I told him this was a decision that both of us had to make together, and if he was totally opposed to getting married ever to let me go, so I could find what I wanted. He told me he wanted to stay, and couldn't imagine himself with anyone else.

 

I tried to bring it up again recently, but he completely brushed me off. I asked him where he stood on the marriage thing now that we've given it 2 years, and he told me I was rushing him, but he was laughing about it. (we have now been together 3 years. I am 29, he's 27). I couldn't get a serious answer out of him.

 

Since he is the type of guy who pretty much handles every situation with a sense of humor, I have been trying to bring it up more in a joking sense. For example, he told me the other day that he bought a gift for me, so I asked if it fit on one of my fingers. He laughed and said, "yeah, it does". (turned out to be a Playstation game).

 

I don't know how to proceed with this. Is it effective to keep bringing the situation up in a lighthearted manner, or should I sit him down and have a serious discussion with him, and set some deadlines?

[SarahRose]

Didn't he already pass the deadline of 2 years?

 

His excuses are just that, excuses.

 

For some reason, he likes your company but doesn't want to marry you.

 

I'd walk because a man will gladly waste years of your life if you let him.

[torranceshipman]

Attempting to bring it up in a jokey way so it fits with how he likes things to be is a bad idea. You need to be stronger with him. And didn't it upset you when he said yeah it fits on one finger then you found out it was a playstation? You need to be harder with him as right now he pretty much can see you are being a walkover about this. It sounds like he has more power in this R than you.

[Ronni_W]

Yes, have a few serious conversations with him -- it's not going to get resolved in just one discussion. But only give ultimatums, er, set some deadlines *if* you are 100% sure that you will follow through if/when he does not capitulate. (Once ultimatums start getting delivered, it's also incumbent on the "giver" to poop or get off the pot.)

 

It might be beneficial for you to be very clear within yourself, of all your 'whys' of needing to be proposed to -- for your own clarity but also so that you can calmly and confidently convey to him why 'NOW' is the time that you need it.

 

I mean real reasons that are supported by your own values, passions, desires and long-term life goals. (Not just because it's been three years and/or "everyone" else is asking about it.)

 

Best of luck.

[Green]

Well I'm a man so if I wanted to get married I would JUST ASK and if the girl said NO then I would probably BREAK UP.

 

As a woman I guess you go through the added pressure of having to wait to be asked.

 

I think you could validly say stuff like "I want to start having kids, but I want to be married first" and have a big talk and then RESPECTFULY with out blame break up with him.

 

Do you guys live togather?

[Ronni_W]

As a woman I guess you go through the added pressure of having to wait to be asked.

Not at all...that's such a cute-antiquated notion that it made me smile, though

 

I asked him and later on that day - or maybe the next - pulled out a calendar and said, "Got any problems if we do it on <date>?" And that was that. Maybe 3 or 4 of months later, we went to an auction and ended up successful bidders for my engagement ring.

 

There's a trillion ways of doing it. Well...at least six.

[Green]

Not at all...that's such a cute-antiquated notion that it made me smile, though

 

I asked him and later on that day - or maybe the next - pulled out a calendar and said, "Got any problems if we do it on <date>?" And that was that. Maybe 3 or 4 of months later, we went to an auction and ended up successful bidders for my engagement ring.

 

There's a trillion ways of doing it. Well...at least six.

 

I'd be very suprised if thats what the WOMEN on this thread said. Thats great that it all worked out for you though and if it sounds good to the OP why not.

[Ronni_W]

I'd be very suprised if thats what the WOMEN on this thread said.

You got that I am a WOMAN, right? But I do agree with you -- it's also that we (women) ourselves are working from that same cute-antiquated paradigm. It would be great if we all, women and men, took one tiny step forward. IMHO. I keep hoping

 

As for the OP, yes, I do think it is time to be more assertive and speak up for her own current and authentic desires and needs.

[konfuzd]

Sarah- I don't see how walking away will do me any good. At this point, I have a man in my life whom I love, respect and who treats me like gold. If I walk away, I am no closer to the ultimate goal.

 

Ronni- Thank you for the insightful advice and personal experience.

 

Both of us come from very traditional backgrounds. Both sets of parents have been married over 25 years and hold very traditional roles within the family unit. Torrance mentioned that BF has more power in the relationship than I do, and I think to a certain extent this is true, but not in a bad way. It's the way I was raised. I am not completely subservient to him, however, I see us as having distinct roles in the relationship which make us work well as a unit.

 

The main reason I want to have this figured out now is that I own my own home and am established in my career. BF is in school for one more year, he lives in a cheap basement suite. Once he graduates and gets a career, we have envisioned buying a house together. I would like to make this purchase as husband and wife for both financial and emotional reasons.

[D-Lish]

Has it occurred to you that he may be waiting to get out of his basement suite before getting married?

 

If you guys tend toward traditional roles, it makes sense that he isn't ready to get married yet.

 

Guys like to have their "ducks in a row" before taking the plunge.

 

You own your house, he rents a basement apartment.

He's a little traditional.... See what I am getting at?

[alphamale]

Here I sit, 2 years later, and still no proposal.

there will never be one

[Ronni_W]

The main reason I want to have this figured out now is that I own my own home and am established in my career. BF is in school for one more year, he lives in a cheap basement suite. Once he graduates and gets a career, we have envisioned buying a house together. I would like to make this purchase as husband and wife for both financial and emotional reasons.

Actually...I'm not seeing that last part. Put another way, *IF* what you ALSO want is to wait until he graduates and gets a career so that you two can purchase the 'matrimonial home' together as a married couple...then what is the proverbial 'bee in your bonnet' about, now? You ALREADY know that it's going to take at least another year for the 'stars' to be lined up the way you BOTH want, yes? Realistically, longer than a year...if he is also to have a somewhat established career.

 

Quite honestly. I would suggest to explore, on your own (or with a therapist), those emotional reasons that you are harbouring -- reading 'tween the lines -- well, not even so much "between" them -- there may be something else going on -- some type of inner conflict/struggle. Uncertainties, doubts, questions...whatever they may be called.

 

Maybe it's not about pooping or getting off the pot...but something else entirely? Possibly it will be worth some self-reflection, if only to get clear about what you really do want your life to look like, for the next year and a bit beyond that.

 

Best of luck.

Edited July 4, 2010 by Ronni_W
spelling

[konfuzd]

D-Lish- He was living in the same place when he first got onto the marriage kick. I guess it could be part of it, but when I ask him, he really has no explanation. He simply says, "I don't know, I really wanted it then, but don't really care anymore"

 

Alpha- What makes you say that? He still plans his future around us. He was talking about moving to Northern Canada for his career. I told him I was not willing to move that far away, and he dropped it. He said it's not worth it if I wouldn't be with him. He always talks about how we are going to raise our children and growing old together, so what's so wrong about making it official?

[Ronni_W]

He simply says, "I don't know, I really wanted it then, but don't really care anymore"

Generalizing like crazy (to match the crazy person that I am at heart and in mind): I think that sometimes men do say "I don't care" when they feel any kind of pressure with which they're not yet ready to deal. I think that they like to think that they have have "the answer" but, absent that thought, they'd MUCH rather say, "I don't care" than "I don't know."

[MR2U]

GOOD GRIEF! Why the hesitation? I dispute the 100% commited comment.

 

What will it mean when you finally do get married? That now he's sure he loves you enough to be married? That now he's sure something better isn't coming along so he might as well.

 

This would make me angry. Serious talk with serious emotions involved (not detached robot conversation or flip humor) are in order or you aren't serious either. This is your life! You should be having a 3rd or 4th anniversary with someone who always knew that they couldn't live without you!

[D-Lish]

D-Lish- He was living in the same place when he first got onto the marriage kick. I guess it could be part of it, but when I ask him, he really has no explanation. He simply says, "I don't know, I really wanted it then, but don't really care anymore"

 

Alpha- What makes you say that? He still plans his future around us. He was talking about moving to Northern Canada for his career. I told him I was not willing to move that far away, and he dropped it. He said it's not worth it if I wouldn't be with him. He always talks about how we are going to raise our children and growing old together, so what's so wrong about making it official?

 

Maybe that's because he envisioned himself in a different place in two years when he got on the marriage kick.

 

How can he give you a proper wedding, life when he's living in a basement? I am sure that is what he is thinking. I am sure that has a lot to do with his pulling back.

 

I'd stop asking and take the pressure off the table.

If you truly love this man, be more patient. Let him get his ducks in a row first- that's obviously important to him.

[konfuzd]

My biggest issue is that my life is set up now to take that next step. I am willing to wait for him to reach that same level, but only if I know for certain that he is serious about going in the same direction.

 

Financially, I have had several years to build up equity in my property and start on some investments, which I need to decide how to manage. If I know I will be buying a house in a year, I can make short term investments, whereas if I'm going it alone, I can make longer term ones.

 

Maybe he is a bit scared that I will be the bread winner in the relationship. I know I will be putting more financially into the house than he will. I have assests to bring with me into the marriage. I want to share these 50/50 with my husband, regardless of what he brings materialistically. I want the title of the house to be signed as Mr. and Mrs.

 

Emotionally, I want the stability. I want to know that he is serious about wanting the future together. I want to know that he wants me to be part of his family. His parents and siblings already consider me a family member, but I want to take his name and become an actual part of the family.

[norajane]

Maybe that's because he envisioned himself in a different place in two years when he got on the marriage kick.

 

How can he give you a proper wedding, life when he's living in a basement? I am sure that is what he is thinking. I am sure that has a lot to do with his pulling back.

 

I'd stop asking and take the pressure off the table.

If you truly love this man, be more patient. Let him get his ducks in a row first- that's obviously important to him.

 

But if that's what is going on, he should be able to explain that to her. Why can't he explain that to a woman he is 100% committed to?

 

If he refuses to discuss it unless it's a joke, he has no intentions of marriage.

[D-Lish]

But if that's what is going on, he should be able to explain that to her. Why can't he explain that to a woman he is 100% committed to?

 

If he refuses to discuss it unless it's a joke, he has no intentions of marriage.

 

We're talking about a "traditional guy" (her description).

Many guys wouldn't feel comfortable proposing marriage when the girl they love owns a house and they live in a basement. Furthermore, many of those guys wouldn't be able to articulate why it's a problem for them.

[Ronni_W]

I want the title of the house to be signed as Mr. and Mrs.

Then why not do that? By which I mean. Ask him how he feels about you putting him on title to the house that you already own? You can demonstrate your own commitment and being "all in" -- your willingness to do that is not really coming through in your posts. So far, it's all about what you need from him / for him to do. Yet, as you say, YOU are the one who is currently in the position to provide what you say you both want-need to take another step forward.

 

There will be absolutely nothing stopping you two from buying a new house in a few years...after he has graduated and established his career.

 

If there are any thought-feelings around, "but this is MY house that I worked hard to pay for" -- then that surely wouldn't be giving him any warm-and-fuzzies, no matter how well you think you may be disguising/hiding them.

[norajane]

We're talking about a "traditional guy" (her description).

Many guys wouldn't feel comfortable proposing marriage when the girl they love owns a house and they live in a basement. Furthermore, many of those guys wouldn't be able to articulate why it's a problem for them.

 

If this educated guy cannot use his words and tell her what he's thinking, all she has is his "I don't care anymore." What is she supposed to infer from that? That he doesn't care. Mr. Traditional is pushing her away.

[konfuzd]

D-Lish- I think you have made some very valid points. I definately think he is struggling with these issues.

 

Our families recently went on a fishing vacation together, and he made a comment about how it's really important for him to show my dad that he is a good provider for me.

 

That really speaks volumes for what you are saying here.

 

If I do just leave it to him though, it is bound to drive me mad. I understand that he may feel a bit demasculated by admitting he can't provide for me right now, and with his career future being in question right now, that could be all it is.

[konfuzd]

Ronni- I have a small condo out in the suburbs, he is in the city. It really wouldn't make sense to put him on this title. We could never live in my place together.

 

The whole idea of ownership of a place together would be that it is 'our' place. Something that suits us both and we make into a home together.

[norajane]

My biggest issue is that my life is set up now to take that next step. I am willing to wait for him to reach that same level, but only if I know for certain that he is serious about going in the same direction.

 

Financially, I have had several years to build up equity in my property and start on some investments, which I need to decide how to manage. If I know I will be buying a house in a year, I can make short term investments, whereas if I'm going it alone, I can make longer term ones.

 

Maybe he is a bit scared that I will be the bread winner in the relationship. I know I will be putting more financially into the house than he will. I have assests to bring with me into the marriage. I want to share these 50/50 with my husband, regardless of what he brings materialistically. I want the title of the house to be signed as Mr. and Mrs.

 

Emotionally, I want the stability. I want to know that he is serious about wanting the future together. I want to know that he wants me to be part of his family. His parents and siblings already consider me a family member, but I want to take his name and become an actual part of the family.

 

Why can't you tell him all of this, and then ask him to give it some thought and get back to you in a couple of weeks with how he sees the future?

 

You might be surprised what plans he has for his future, or lack thereof. You two may not be on the same page at all with what you want, and how you want to live life.

 

Has he ever talked about wanting to buy a house? Have you two ever talked about money, finances, investments, expectations? Have you ever talked about where he wants to spend his money when he gets a job? Is his biggest plan for a new tv or car?

[D-Lish]

If this educated guy cannot use his words and tell her what he's thinking, all she has is his "I don't care anymore." What is she supposed to infer from that? That he doesn't care. Mr. Traditional is pushing her away.

 

I agree Nj, that he isn't handling it ideally- not the way we want a man to handle things! I do believe she has more than "he doesn't care anymore"- she has some insight into where he is coming from. I still advocate some patience in this situation.

 

D-Lish- I think you have made some very valid points. I definately think he is struggling with these issues.

 

Our families recently went on a fishing vacation together, and he made a comment about how it's really important for him to show my dad that he is a good provider for me.

 

That really speaks volumes for what you are saying here.

 

If I do just leave it to him though, it is bound to drive me mad. I understand that he may feel a bit demasculated by admitting he can't provide for me right now, and with his career future being in question right now, that could be all it is.

 

The fact that he is making promise's to your dad should speak volumes to you.

 

Not wanting to make a serious plunge until he gets his ducks in a row doesn't make him CP.

 

Just put yourself in his shoes- a traditional guy, a guy that wants to provide for his woman... And the woman he loves is steps ahead in terms of a house, career, etc. It can strip some men of their masculinity (even if they can't admit it).

 

Only you can decide if that's worth waiting for or leaving, ya know?