Mother in law is told me my son can't wear his favorite cap

[mopar crazy]

She sounds a lot like my wife's grandmother, she used her money to control the grandkids, she'd loan them money to do stuff but then use that to try to control everything they do. When we got engaged the first thing out of her mouth was "you can't get married until you pay back your car loan, I won't allow it".

 

OMGosh! you are kidding me! WTH? I love my mil but if she EVER does that shyt will hit the fan. Let hubby get mad at me, I don't care. That is just crazy!

[mopar crazy]

It better not be.

 

So you know, I have a college degree.

 

LOL! Even if you didn't have a college degree doesn't mean you are slow. I know several ppl who have a degree and they are slow. I also know several ppl who have no college degree and they are very intelligent. My dad is one of them and so is my brother. Neither one of them even graduated HS and both living very well financially. Here I work my ass off to get a degree and live pay check to paycheck. I'm in Early Childhood Ed and the program I work for doesn't pay the greatest but I love it! Guess when you have a successful business and are good at something naturally it doesn't matter if you have a college degree or not.

[Corporate]

LOL! Even if you didn't have a college degree doesn't mean you are slow. I know several ppl who have a degree and they are slow.

 

Are you refering to me?

 

So you know, I have more than just a standard four year degree.

 

What does your H do for a living? Are your in-laws very well off? Why don't they give their only son some $$$$ if his family is struggling?

Edited July 4, 2010 by Corporate

[turnera]

It really doesn't hurt to show the elderly some respect/obedience if their requests are not unreasonable.

 

I completely agree.

[2sunny]

We are going to be gone for a week and it's 1,200 miles from home. Tickets already bought. And OMGOSH! If he didn't come shyt would hit the fan!!!

 

The "After all I do for you and this is what happens!" would come flying out of her mouth.

My children are my only mother in laws blood grandchildren. My husband is an only child. Needless to say she spoils them even after I tell/ask her not to. So, if he doesn't come it would not be good.

 

is she always this controlling? i suppose if she does things for you, and you have allowed it for all these years, then she gets the idea that she's allowed to call the shots - since SHE'S paying.

 

have you always allowed her to behave this way with you? where is your boundary? i would never allow someone to "buy" things for me as long as i go along with their plan and behave exactly as "they" tell me too... which includes what i wear or don't wear.

 

the family has rewarded her bad behavior by going along with her wishes for years, yes? what would she do if you didn't go along with getting her way?

[turnera]

the family has rewarded her bad behavior by going along with her wishes for years, yes?

Requesting that a teenage grandson not wear an item of clothing that offends her is not bad behavior. It is honest conversation about what is important to her. And, as an elder family member - especially one who is fronting the money for them to HAVE the trip - she is due a certain amount of respect, if not compliance.

 

This thread reminds me of the parents who confront their kid's principal because the kid vandalized the bathroom, and all the parents say is 'Not MY child! YOU guys screwed up.' What did that teach the kid?

 

No one is ever harmed by learning to show respect to one's elders. It will serve him well in every other aspect of his life, for the REST of his life.

[2sunny]

Requesting that a teenage grandson not wear an item of clothing that offends her is not bad behavior. It is honest conversation about what is important to her. And, as an elder family member - especially one who is fronting the money for them to HAVE the trip - she is due a certain amount of respect, if not compliance.

 

This thread reminds me of the parents who confront their kid's principal because the kid vandalized the bathroom, and all the parents say is 'Not MY child! YOU guys screwed up.' What did that teach the kid?

 

No one is ever harmed by learning to show respect to one's elders. It will serve him well in every other aspect of his life, for the REST of his life.

 

i completely disagree. it's a hat. there's no disrespect in wearing a certain hat.

 

the grandma is showing disrespect by stating that he needs to look a certain way for her liking in order to participate in the trip. THAT is controlling and judgmental. that is not one bit nice from the grandma. it teaches the child that he's only accepted if he abides by looking perfect for grandma. judgment. to go along with it shows the child that he needs to bend to make EVERYONE else in the world happy first - even before himself. that is an unhealthy approach to anyone.

 

how would she like it if she was told she HAD to dress or NOT dress a certain way in order to visit family.

 

if family is judging on the basis of one's looks instead of behavior and the person's heart - then that seems terribly backwards to me.

[2sunny]

It really doesn't hurt to show the elderly some respect/obedience if their requests are not unreasonable.

 

with actions and words - yes.

 

with judgment about looks - no. if she's THAT embarrassed by his looks - he should not go. she may only make him feel terrible for being the individual he is.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm sure that my opinion won't be taken well but I think he shouldn't wear the hat. At 17 he is approaching adulthood. Its time for adult lessons. Would he wear the hat to a job interview? Is he allowed to wear the hat in school? Would you approve of him wearing the hat to a wedding or a funeral? Hopefully the dumb had DOES NOT DEFINE HIM and is NOT WHO HE IS. Its him being a typical teenager and I find nothing wrong iwth him expressing himself when it is appropriate. If grandma doesn't like the hat then why not make her happy for a week? I DO agree that she went about it wrong. Most clubs have a dress code anyway. No jeans, collared shirts, ect... I'm sure the hat is on the list.

 

I've got a 22 year old still at home and I am not crazy about the way she dresses all the time. Unless we are going to a special event I don't mention it, when we are, I buy and pay for something apropriate which she is welcome to come pick out if she pleases. As an adult there are places that jeans don't go.

 

Recently she got a tongue ring which we HATE!!! Recently her car broke down beyond repair. I had no trouble saying when we bought her a car that it came with the stipulation that the tongue ring goes.

 

At 17 I think that its time that you son learns the difference in expressing himself by his clothing. Its also important to understand that there are very different ideas about trends depending on your demographics. We are from the south and when my nephews, ( great kids whom I love and adore) come down to visit I feel like I'm out with thugs. Its different here and its viewed differently as well. If we plan to take them to a VERY nice restaurant or even the club I tell them ahead of time that they will need a polo or a dress shirt and jacket. Otherwise they express themselves and we get some crazy looks!

 

I love that your son is allowed to express himself. I do think it is important for them to learn that there are some occasions when its more appropriate to conform.

[norajane]

There used to be all sorts of etiquette rules about when, how, and where men wore hats and didn't wear hats. These days no one seems to care about the rules of etiquette, but perhaps grandma and her community came of age during those times and do abide by them and are offended when guys walk around wearing thug hats in their community.

 

Is it so very terrible to try and teach a kid some etiquette and manners, particularly about respecting a doting grandmother's sense and sensibility?

[turnera]

i completely disagree. it's a hat. there's no disrespect in wearing a certain hat.

Of COURSE there is disrespect in wearing a hat if it offends someone and that person asks him not to wear it. By wearing it he tells her that he DOES NOT respect her enough to care about how she feels.

 

You guys are all going around acting like she is some monster because...what? She's old? She pays for them to do stuff? She doesn't talk politically correct and worry about his poor little psyche that might be damaged because he doesn't get to do every single thing he wants to?

 

 

the grandma is showing disrespect by stating that he needs to look a certain way for her liking in order to participate in the trip. THAT is controlling and judgmental. that is not one bit nice from the grandma. it teaches the child that he's only accepted if he abides by looking perfect for grandma. judgment.

All she said was tell him not to wear that hat. How is that tellling him he won't be accepted? Good grief.

 

 

to go along with it shows the child that he needs to bend to make EVERYONE else in the world happy first - even before himself. that is an unhealthy approach to anyone.

And on the flip side, you are all telling him that he SHOULD do only what HE wants, and any form of authority be damned - because he wants what he wants, by God!

 

how would she like it if she was told she HAD to dress or NOT dress a certain way in order to visit family.

If the other person were her elder, and if the other person were paying for the trip, I would think she would have the good grace to RESPECT that person's wishes.

 

What are you teaching a teenager when you tell them they don't have to listen to what other people feel or want? What will happen when he goes on a job interview? Yeah, I don't really feel like wearing that uniform; it doesn't feel right. He'll be laughed out of the building.

 

SOME DAY, that child needs to learn that there will ALWAYS be someone older, with more authority, or who deserves more respect than he does. If he goes through life thinking he shouldn't 'have to' respect others he will learn pretty quickly that, in the real world, people won't take that attitude; they will show him the door.

 

Dealing with our family is a great, time-honored way of teaching our children how to behave as adults. Telling him that he owes his own grandmother a certain amount of respect (1) will not harm him in any way, shape, or form and (2) WILL teach him that he will not always get his way, and it's a great time to start learning to compromise.

 

To that end, wouldn't it be an AWESOME learning experience for him to call up his grandmother and actually TALK to her and say 'Grandma, I know you don't like my hat; but I feel good in it. Can we make a deal? Can I wear it when I'm at your home, if I promise not to wear it out in public when I'm with you?' We all have to learn to communicate, hear each other out, and negotiate some time. This sounds like a great opportunity for that.

[stellaluna]

Give the kid a break, it's a hat he likes to wear. He already dreads the idea of going on the trip- and now he's told he can't wear his favorite hat because granny doesn't like it?

 

Fine, teach him manners, respect, whatever you want to call it by forcing him to go get rid of his hat for the trip. What will end up happening is that he's going to resent his grandma and he won't enjoy the trip.

 

The request is silly. A family has to pick and choose which battles are worth it.

 

I'd give the kid a choice.

Let him make his own good or bad decision on this matter. That's what growing up is all about.

[turnera]

Or you could turn it into a learning experience and let him learn to negotiate with her, instead of letting the adults do it all for him.

[2sunny]

And on the flip side, you are all telling him that he SHOULD do only what HE wants, and any form of authority be damned - because he wants what he wants, by God!

 

where was this said?

 

why not teach a child how to be true to HIMSELF, love himself, and respect himself, others and the earth all at the same time? one cannot EVER expect to make others happy - one can only be true to self. he may as well learn what good balance looks like. what he LOOKS like is totally separate from the core of himself. separate. to allow others to judge based on looks is very superficial... teaches kids the wrong message. i see no harm in a hat - that's cute even. it's not like he's displaying a gun in the dining hall of elderly folks.

 

why can she make such demands - that hurt feelings... but he's not allowed to be the individual that he was raised to be? happy and healthy? grandma needs to get over herself.

[2sunny]

no wonder he doesn't want to go... i'd cancel the entire trip.

[stellaluna]

no wonder he doesn't want to go... i'd cancel the entire trip.

 

No doubt 2S.

What a nightmare.

[turnera]

where was this said?

 

why not teach a child how to be true to HIMSELF, love himself, and respect himself, others and the earth all at the same time? one cannot EVER expect to make others happy - one can only be true to self. he may as well learn what good balance looks like. what he LOOKS like is totally separate from the core of himself. separate. to allow others to judge based on looks is very superficial... teaches kids the wrong message. i see no harm in a hat - that's cute even. it's not like he's displaying a gun in the dining hall of elderly folks.

 

why can she make such demands - that hurt feelings... but he's not allowed to be the individual that he was raised to be? happy and healthy? grandma needs to get over herself.

Why? Because she is an adult, and he is a child, and some day, he needs to learn reality - there will ALWAYS be someone who has more authority, more respect, than you.

 

Why do you think the business world is making such a huge deal out of the latest generation of workers? Why are there studies all over the place because business owners can't find enough people who will get the work done? Why are HR departments having to revamp their structure because young adults expect to get perks (after all, that's what they were raised with - getting what they wanted, so they could be happy with themselves). Because they are ALL part of the generation that was first raised with this 'be yourself' and 'you deserve to be happy' mentality. And what happens when they become workers? They throw fits. They quit if they don't get promoted fast enough. They don't believe they have to put in a full day's work because they were raised to believe that their own happiness was paramount - why shouldn't that translate into work? It's just a job.

 

This trip is of no consequence. Dismiss my suggestions that he act like a young adult and NEGOTIATE for what he wants; why should we expect him to do anything to accomplish a goal, after all?

 

My concern is that, as a parent, I believe it is our job to RAISE our kids to learn how to negotiate adulthood in a happy, healthy, productive manner. OP is facing a perfect opportunity to help her son learn how to become such a young man. Instead, all you guys seem to care about is that he is being 'deprived' of his rights. When there's a whole bigger picture out there that he could be benefiting from. Instead, if he follows y'all's advice, in 5 years he'll be an unhappy, unsatisfied, unemployed young man. Because he believes he deserves to be happy all the time.

 

This reminds me of Atlas Shrugged. My mom warned me 30 years ago that it was going to come true; I'm starting to believe it.

[Tayla]

Son wins- Wear the hat. (period)!

 

This is a respect issue. The grandmother needs to respect the grandsons decision. (period).

 

What the grandkid can learn is not everyone (even family members) know how to be supportive.

[mopar crazy]

I personally think it's a little ridiculous, it's a cap. But, I guess we should respect her decision and not have him wear it around her.

 

H and I agreed that he can take the cap but he is not to wear it while she is around. If we go do something and she isn't w/ us he can wear it.

 

She is just worried about what other ppl are going to think/say about it and it will be embarrassing for her. She also said she loves him very much and doesn't want him to get made fun of. He's a big boy, and he doesn't care what other ppl think.

[D-Lish]

A teenage boy isn't going to take offence to what elderly people think about his fashion sense anyway.

[mopar crazy]

A teenage boy isn't going to take offence to what elderly people think about his fashion sense anyway.

 

I hear ya there. Most teenagers, at least my son, could really careless what some "old" person thinks.

[turnera]

Sounds like a perfect compromise.