This Guy's Story.

[hitbyatruck]

Are men and women not inherently fallible?

We can only learn from our mistakes.

[wicar1]

Are men and women not inherently fallible?

We can only learn from our mistakes.

 

CHeating is not a mistake. it is a choice, decision. !!!

[hitbyatruck]

Hey wicar1, daisy......

 

Half the time I'm hearing you.

 

The rest of the time I feel that I'd readily compromise a good deal of my personal integrity for the ability to see and be with my child part of every day of his young and developing life. 2 days a week just doesn't cut it for this father. 104 days don't make a year and full custody is something neither of us want for the sake of our boy.

 

I would put up with all the bulls**t, difficulties, jealousy and doubt involved in a proper reconciliation if Ms. Ex was ever able to approach this without any baggage related to OM, like there was last time.

 

She wants to meet for a coffee or a drink at the next exchange and recently tried to assure me that "we are still friends". I'm friendly but she won't get what she wants in this case.

 

Either she is becoming a "cake and eat it" person or the grass isn't as green as she thought it would be. Naturally, I don't ask and she doesn't tell of the state of her "new" relationship given it's history.

[Steadfast]

 

I would put up with all the bulls**t, difficulties, jealousy and doubt involved in a proper reconciliation if Ms. Ex was ever able to approach this without any baggage related to OM, like there was last time.

 

 

As a single dad I understand the feelings you have concerning your son. Fact: He didn't choose this and neither did you. But, life is truly about making the best of our situation. No one (that I know) walks through the sunshine and daisies all day. Some choose, others have it chosen for them.

 

This is the risk we take when getting involved. Bring children into it, and it's amplified greatly. Becoming a parent changes everything. For life.

 

I'll break it down like this. When you two had your son, that really should have been the final threshold into commitment. For many (most?) it isn't, but that does not justify thrashing the lives of those around you for the sake of your own desires. True, loving parents place the family first; never taking their eyes off the partner and ignoring their needs, but knowing that it's time to 'grow up' should be embraced by each. It's called living with our choices. If the foundation is flawed, the relationship will be flawed.

 

When your 'wife' (which is what she was) brought another person into her life and bed, she took a cutting torch to the fabric of your family. Only you can decide if you'll be able to pull off being a sound parent and a loving husband with her -and her history- as your partner. At this point, I'd ask myself this question: Can I be a better, smarter and more loving parent with her, or without? This, btw, all hinges on her complete devotion to you and your family. Face it, thus far, she has not proven capable of that.

 

The rest; second guessing, fence sitting, cake eating, is just the normal BS you must work through. Yes; have that drink or coffee and listen carefully. See how often she mentions the family, compared to how often she says "I". That should give you some insight as to where her mind and heart is. Personally, I'd have little tolerance for what she wants. One more fact; words are cheap. Actions speak louder and reveal the true character.

[hitbyatruck]

Yes; have that drink or coffee and listen carefully. See how often she mentions the family, compared to how often she says "I". That should give you some insight as to where her mind and heart is.

 

But what is a family?

 

Her family is a single mother/only child/absent father situation, almost from birth. My family is the opposite - parents together after 40 odd years who love/loathe/need/repel each other, but with compromise & understanding.

 

Neither of these models appeal to me at all and maybe that is where our principles differ so much that she wouldn't hold out for any resolution. Maybe she saw us turning into my parents and ran, afterall, we couldn't turn into hers.

 

Her new idea is that we are still a "family" just that we are not together. I disagree. How does that work if and when I move on and start a new family? I was very clear to her before, during and since her affair and our break-up that I wanted us to have at least one more child. She has since told me that she doesn't want to have kids to multiple fathers but has also told me in the past that she doesn't really want our boy to be an only child like she was. Our next child was discussed during the failed recon.

 

This I believe, underpins the foundations of her relationship with newguy.

[hitbyatruck]

I broke LC. Had the drink with her that she had been requesting for 2 weeks and I steered the conversation towards her "new" R. I mentioned her recent friendliness and asked if her recent doubtful & stressed demeanor was related to us. She picked up that I still had feelings for her. She was shocked, then angry, then very upset. She made it clear that her increasing friendliness/contact and her air of uncertainty was nothing to do with doubts about our split but related to other issues. Either I got it wrong and misread signals or she truly is doubtful and she covered it up well.

 

Later in the night, an hour long phonecall consisted of me trying to have her see that her new relationship will probably fail because of the way it began. All the while she kept emphasizing the faults in our relationship and how incompatible we are. Whenever the word family was mentioned it was scoffed at which I'm sure makes her feel better about her choices.

 

I know I am flogging a dead horse and that I have gone backwards again.

 

The problem with LC is that in my case it is an act, false. You say to yourself: "I have feelings for you but I can't show you because it will push you further away." You tell them nothing even though you want to because you miss the close emotional connection that you shared for so long. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

 

I would choose all the physical pain I've ever had, and it's a fair bit, over the emotional extremes I've experienced this year.

 

Acceptance can be difficult. I want her relationship to fail, not because she left, but because of who she chose to leave me for. If I didn't know the guy, everything would be so much easier.

 

The only outcome I have any control over is my own future.