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girlfriend can't accept my past, will she ever?


roccoandraddo

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roccoandraddo

I am 23 and divorced. My ex and I were married for 11 months, 3 months of which we were seperated. I met my girlfriend 2 weeks after my divorce was finalized and about 3 or 4 months after the marriage was considered over. My girlfriend is a virgin and has never been married of course. She is very conservative about sex, which I am fine with, but she continues to struggle with my past. I have only been intimate with one person: my ex-wife. But my girlfriend gets wierd about it from time to time and acts like I was promiscuous or something, she just can't seem to accept that I was with someone else. We have been together for about 9 months and this thing still comes up full force as if the issue had never been addressed. I am tired of apologizing for my past and who I am, and re-living something that was unpleasant and not my fault. Will she ever let go of this or will this become an all- consuming thing that ruins our relationship. We talk of marriage frequently and are saving intercourse for marriage, I dread what she'll think when we do it, if she'll ask me if I'm thinking of my ex and break down in tears like she does on occasion when we are fooling around. Will she ever just accept my past and move on?

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It doesn't sound as if it will just "get better" with time. You are quite right in worrying about what marriage or sex would do to trigger thoughts of the ex.

 

I take it you're both from conservative, religious backgrounds? You may have heard a lot on your youth about how you must save your virginity for marriage because otherwise it will never be special, memories will always come flooding in, you'll worry about cheating forever, etc. Am I right? I'm guessing that your girlfriend may have heard and internalized a lot of this pretty thoroughly.

 

Does your gf agree that her rehashing of your first marriage is a problem that needs to be taken care of? If so, good. I am confident that she can beat this. BTW, I believe that she has to do most of the work on this. It is her feelings that are causing the problem. You should be there to support and assist, but fundamentally, fixing her head is HER job.

 

Counselling would be great for you two, specifically focussed on addressing and resolving this issue. Otherwise, please get a copy of Love Is Never Enough by Aaron Beck. It will help you two get to the heart of these bad feelings.

 

Please don't consider marriage or sex until you both are comfortable with each other's pasts and confident about your future.

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Personally I could never put up with an insecure immature woman like this.

 

What does she want you to do, invent a time machine to go back in time to erase the past?

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No one can tell you if she will or will not accept your past -- not even her.

 

You were married for cripes sake! It sounds like she really has a problem. If she can't accept that you were married before (you shouldn't have to apologize for your past! -- that irked me when I read that-- you should NEVER have to apologize that you were married before!) then she maybe she needs to get some counseling. I know you care about her and if she cares about you then she will get some help or you both need to admit that you are not quite right for each other. She is going to have even more problems if this can't be resolved. And if she is looking for a virgin then she needs to be upfront about that right away when she goes out with someone so that no one wastes their time or their emotions in pursuing something that she cannot accept.

 

I'm sorry guy to say it, but it may be time for you to move on. Why not stay single and date around a while--you are still young!

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roccoandraddo

she is a few months older than me, same age for all intents and purposes. we are both Christians, not the ultra-conservative never curse or fool around kind, but the kind that want to save sex for marriage. At this point, I honestly would be ok with sex outside of marriage if all the emotional components were there, but totally respect her views and would never attempt to change them. I know that I should never have to apologize for this aspect of my past. My ex was too immature for a marriage and we figured this out too late, it's not like we broke up because I cheated on her. I could understand my GF being insecure if I was a man-whore, because old habits die hard, but this is not the case. She knows that fixing this is her job. I have learned from my past, worked through it myself, and moved on, and the only time I dwell on my ex is when the topic is brough up by my girlfriend. I was upfront about my situation and told her that if she could never accept that to just not even start anything, but she was willing to work on accepting it, apparently this is a work in progress at best. Ironically, she is a counseling psychology major. She is relying way too much on emotion and not enough on logic, I wonder how long this will take...

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I wouldn't even think of going further with this relationship until this issue is dealt with. This board is awash in women complaining about their partners' pasts and suffering from paroxysms of jealousy over them. Some are trying to work through it; others insist they have a right to be miffed and are making no strides to get over their issues. You sure don't want to have to live with one of the latter. :eek:

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