Already know the answer but feel free to humour me...

[chooch]

So. 7 years ago I met my ex. First love and (at present) last love... We had a connection that we'd never had with anyone else before, became best of friends and ended up dating. However, I quickly (within 4 months) got jealous. She was being flirty with other guys, admittedly she wasn't intending to but I did the (ir)rational thing and started being controlling.

 

Things mothballed after she lied to me one time and I ended up being possessive over the clothes she wore, friends she had, life she led. She stayed with me throughout it because she loved me and we were largely happy together.

 

I was a major d*** and I accept that. I was way out of line with the way I acted. She gave me chances to change but I was too scared of losing her. Cue 5 years down the line (last month) when she finally realizes she's fallen out of love with me because of how I was. I only have myself to blame and yes she put me through it with the break-up (see my first ever thread) but I didn't deserve her.

 

Since losing her I have realized exactly how much of a fool I was. I became a monster and I didn't deserve her. I've learned (the hard way) never to be controlling EVER AGAIN in any capacity, shape or form.

 

But I still love her and want her back. She at least wants to be friends, which considering how I treated her is something. I respect her decision and think she did the right thing by leaving the 'control freak' me... But I've genuinely changed. I LOVE the girl. She knows it and knows I've changed but says it's too early for her to take me back if she ever would. She's made up her mind.

 

Yes I deserve it but I REALLY miss her. I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I love her. I do know that I could express it much better and I'll never mistreat anyone ever again.

 

I want to wait around but know I need to move on. I need to learn from my mistakes and become a better person but I rightly am beating myself up. 'We' would still exist if I'd treated her right.

 

Second chance one day I hope... Sorry for the long post but this is cathartic. Feel free to ignore

[spyyder]

I've been in your situation. Let me guess, your girl is very young...its usually only the young/immature ones that make you jealous. Don't feel so bad bro, you being controlling was also her fault (did you tell & explain that to her?). What did she expect when she was flirting with other guys and lying to you? That is such a young girl/ immature thing to do.

 

I was exactly like you with my gf. We broke up but after lots of work she gave me a 2nd chance, 3 or so weeks later. I also told her to stop making me jealous, and she'll see that I will stop being controlling as I wouldn't have a reason to. I'm no longer controlling, she no longer makes me jealous.

 

Just don't feel bad, its not your fault. You just really wanted her, and when she was flirting with another guy it gave you an image of her being with someone else. Your controlling was preventative action due to her behaviour.

[chooch]

I've been in your situation. Let me guess, your girl is very young...its usually only the young/immature ones that make you jealous. Don't feel so bad bro, you being controlling was also her fault (did you tell & explain that to her?). What did she expect when she was flirting with other guys and lying to you? That is such a young girl/ immature thing to do.

 

I was exactly like you with my gf. We broke up but after lots of work she gave me a 2nd chance, 3 or so weeks later. I also told her to stop making me jealous, and she'll see that I will stop being controlling as I wouldn't have a reason to. I'm no longer controlling, she no longer makes me jealous.

 

Just don't feel bad, its not your fault. You just really wanted her, and when she was flirting with another guy it gave you an image of her being with someone else. Your controlling was preventative action due to her behaviour.

 

 

We're both young. She's only 19 though. She gave me umpteen second chances already and I screwed it.

 

I tried explaining to her but she was too naive and I was too unkind. I really do love her though but she no longer loves me. I want to wait forever because she said maybe one day but she needs us both to 'let go' to start from scratch. She said she would've stayed because she knows I've changed but it would be hanging over her (even if I stopped saying it) and she would feel like she couldn't do stuff.

 

My best friend, the girl of my dreams LOVES me and life is perfect. Then I ruin it so bad she falls out of love with me. That's ****.

 

Thanks for your reply though mate

[chooch]

Spyyder: In those three weeks you were apart did you go NC or not?

[Feelin Frisky]

No offense but I think you have a lot more to learn than you think. It may be so that she purposely or subliminally was waging a war of passive aggression to "control YOU". That I mean to say that she knows what you don't like or infuriates you and does it on purpose to either get some kind of weirdo ego-boost for herself despite its painful effect on you while feeding on the power over you and the dudes she baited. There are angles that would have trippled your post if you would have touched on all of them.

 

You must also look at yourself and don't just lump it all into "love". There can be osession with "personna"--the person you think she is or hope she is or believe she is instead of "person" she actually is. That's a hard one not to repeat if you don't break it all down.

 

We are not "created" creatures of logic, we are all animals--territorial and driven by emotion. We have developed the capacity to formalize and agree on principles but those are artifical as one will alomost always feels first and tries to catch up with logic or morality afterward. It is that logic or morality that actually causes your deepest turbulence because you tend to expect logic and morality where sometimes you get sheer animal illogic that can't be rationalized.

 

Let me just mention that one of the top goals of today's SSRI medications, like Prozac etc, is to give us even a slight time frame where it is possible to reason what to feel rather than feeling it and trying to tamp down the symptoms of those unwanted feelings with self medications like food and booze, etc, to pleasure ourselves into better moods. I chose this option because I was with a girl for two years who I wanted to make my wife but she had mental emotional problems that she never admitted and my application of what I thought of as logic to her illogic effctively--perhaps never even knew because she considered herself normal which made me a bitter complaining person to be around.

 

It took a while to see what the tiny nuances were that Porzac gave me but I realized it was like putting a pair of eye glasses on a half-sighted personality. Suddenly I was completely independent and clear most of the time one how and what to feel rather than being the victim of my own chemistry and angry because someone else "made me" feel that way.

[chooch]

No offense but I think you have a lot more to learn than you think. It may be so that she purposely or subliminally was waging a war of passive aggression to "control YOU". That I mean to say that she knows what you don't like or infuriates you and does it on purpose to either get some kind of weirdo ego-boost for herself despite its painful effect on you while feeding on the power over you and the dudes she baited. There are angles that would have trippled your post if you would have touched on all of them.

 

You must also look at yourself and don't just lump it all into "love". There can be osession with "personna"--the person you think she is or hope she is or believe she is instead of "person" she actually is. That's a hard one not to repeat if you don't break it all down.

 

We are not "created" creatures of logic, we are all animals--territorial and driven by emotion. We have developed the capacity to formalize and agree on principles but those are artifical as one will alomost always feels first and tries to catch up with logic or morality afterward. It is that logic or morality that actually causes your deepest turbulence because you tend to expect logic and morality where sometimes you get sheer animal illogic that can't be rationalized.

 

Let me just mention that one of the top goals of today's SSRI medications, like Prozac etc, is to give us even a slight time frame where it is possible to reason what to feel rather than feeling it and trying to tamp down the symptoms of those unwanted feelings with self medications like food and booze, etc, to pleasure ourselves into better moods. I chose this option because I was with a girl for two years who I wanted to make my wife but she had mental emotional problems that she never admitted and my application of what I thought of as logic to her illogic effctively--perhaps never even knew because she considered herself normal which made me a bitter complaining person to be around.

 

It took a while to see what the tiny nuances were that Porzac gave me but I realized it was like putting a pair of eye glasses on a half-sighted personality. Suddenly I was completely independent and clear most of the time one how and what to feel rather than being the victim of my own chemistry and angry because someone else "made me" feel that way.

 

No offense taken mate. Very level-headed advice. Thank you

[spyyder]

Spyyder: In those three weeks you were apart did you go NC or not?

 

Not really. I first went super crazy, then went NC, then called to say that I wanted to return all the stuff she gave me (she wanted to same with what I gave her)- it was a lot of stuff and we did lots of paintings of each other so during that emotional process I managed to get a 2nd chance.

 

Perhaps what I can say is to go NC for a while, call her and have a great conversation and then just ask her if she'd like to go on a date. JUST a date, nothing more. Don't mention when, just ask if she'd like a to go on one and then arrange time & place if she says yes.

 

I KNEW your girl was young. My girl is 18 and there are many people on LS that also agree that it's the young ones that are the hardest due to very low level of understanding. Someone (can't remember username) said that he never takes girls under 25 seriously in a relationship and I think that is unfortunately very true.

 

DON'T feel like its your fault. Its not! You became controlling because she was making you jealous. She made you controlling. I'm not surprised that she didn't understand or was unkind, girls her/our age just don't understand until they experience it or you try to get her to imagine what its like in your shoes which can be incredibly difficult.

 

In my relationship I use to always have to explain what its like in my shoes when she got me jealous. Only after giving 5+ examples, my girl tried to imagine how it feels and then understood but it took about 3-4 hours of heated conversing to get it done, for just 1 problem. We had many problems, so thats A LOT of shouting. Now our problems are sorted, but I decided that if things don't work out with my girl I'm NEVER going to try to have a relationship with a girl younger than me. Actually one of the biggest reasons I tried so hard to get her back is because I spent so much effort & time in her to make her the highly understanding person she is.

 

I'm 21, so I'm young too. I've had lots of experience, and although I've learned a lot, I can see that things are nothing like what my mom told me when I was much younger. You've learned a lot too because of her and hopefully you'll know what to do next time round.

 

Try to get her back if you want with the asking for a date advice I said above. If it doesn't work then just move on and try it again in a few years time when she's had more insight. Make sure you get laid lots during that time or else if you ever get back with her a few years down the road you'll obsess over the guys she's been with during that time and you'll feel like you were waiting for her while she was screwing around.

Edited July 4, 2010 by spyyder

[chooch]

Not really. I first went super crazy, then went NC, then called to say that I wanted to return all the stuff she gave me (she wanted to same with what I gave her)- it was a lot of stuff and we did lots of paintings of each other so during that emotional process I managed to get a 2nd chance.

 

Perhaps what I can say is to go NC for a while, call her and have a great conversation and then just ask her if she'd like to go on a date. JUST a date, nothing more. Don't mention when, just ask if she'd like a to go on one and then arrange time & place if she says yes.

 

I KNEW your girl was young. My girl is 18 and there are many people on LS that also agree that it's the young ones that are the hardest due to very low level of understanding. Someone (can't remember username) said that he never takes girls under 25 seriously in a relationship and I think that is unfortunately very true.

 

DON'T feel like its your fault. Its not! You became controlling because she was making you jealous. She made you controlling. I'm not surprised that she didn't understand or was unkind, girls her/our age just don't understand until they experience it or you try to get her to imagine what its like in your shoes which can be incredibly difficult.

 

In my relationship I use to always have to explain what its like in my shoes when she got me jealous. Only after giving 5+ examples, my girl tried to imagine how it feels and then understood but it took about 3-4 hours of heated conversing to get it done, for just 1 problem. We had many problems, so thats A LOT of shouting. Now our problems are sorted, but I decided that if things don't work out with my girl I'm NEVER going to try to have a relationship with a girl younger than me. Actually one of the biggest reasons I tried so hard to get her back is because I spent so much effort & time in her to make her the highly understanding person she is.

 

I'm 21, so I'm young too. I've had lots of experience, and although I've learned a lot, I can see that things are nothing like what my mom told me when I was much younger. You've learned a lot too because of her and hopefully you'll know what to do next time round.

 

Thanks man. Good on you with the second chance as well. My ex may be in a relationship with the 'other' guy or at the very least is enjoying being single with her friends. Atm I'm trying to go NC, which is turning into LC but I'm mainly just being civil when she texts first. Then I tend to get a bit giddy and try to keep the conversation going . Going to go NC properly for a bit. Hopefully one day she will realize and if not I will have moved on; I'm only just 22. Moving city in January anyway so maybe it's all fate...

[cavedweller]

chooch,

 

Beware: Most people that are 'flirty' do not change. It is in their makeup or genes.

[chooch]

chooch,

 

Beware: Most people that are 'flirty' do not change. It is in their makeup or genes.

 

Ta. I would actually put up with it though. I mean as long as it never went anywhere. I very much doubt it would have the last time if I hadn't been such a tool. Controlling characteristics are very unattractive to women (or so I've read).

 

I don't know how to prove to her I've changed and am worth another chance. I guess I can't. All I can do is sit tight and hope she changes her mind.

[spyyder]

Ta. I would actually put up with it though. I mean as long as it never went anywhere.

 

Sorry bro but I need to say that you just feel like that now because you don't have her. If you get her back you'll eventually go back to whats natural, and that is being controlling/jealous when she flirts with other guys. Also, she's naturally flirty so its in her nature to make you controlling.

 

Being jealous (which leads to being controlling) is actually wired into our brains as men (cavemen ), as it helps to ensure that our female partner doesn't mate with another man while we're with her, so that when she gives birth, the baby is actually your baby. Females don't have such a strong jealousy trait as they KNOW the baby is theirs (duh! If it pops outta you it's yours ). They only have a slight amount of natural jealousy as it helps them ensure that their man stays with them to help provide for her and their baby. It is NOT just coincidence that us men stop being jealous once we've had a baby with our partner....we naturally become less jealous since we've already had a baby with her.

 

Even if you were willing to put a cap on your jealousy (of which would slowly make you insane btw) after she flirts with a bunch of guys she'll either break up with or cheat on you because she thinks that you don't care (she's immature, this is what they do), or she'll take up one of the guys she flirts with (she'll get bored of flirting and want to take it up a level!). And I bet some guy would get sick and tired of her flirting and leading them on and just rape her - it's a proven fact that most rape victims do flirt (in some way) with the rapist first.

Edited July 5, 2010 by spyyder