Please read - 5 yrs broken off - ex wants to try again

[sensitiveguy]

Hi all,

I am really messed up in the head right now and I am looking for any sort of suggestions from anyone. I am 26 and it has been five years since my first love (and actually only love to this point) broke up(dated for 3yr). We just recently started talking again after running into each other - which turned into a lengthy but good conversation. We left without making any plans to see each other again - I was kind of nervous making any sort of move on anything. Anyways she contacted me (she originally broke it off - so I let it be in her hands). And I have to say after that breakup I was pretty messed up from it for atleast a year. And honestly just in the past few years have I gotten my life straightened out. I haven't felt this good about myself and my future in years. The problem I have is that from talking to her it sounds like she has pretty much been in a few somewhat long relationships(couple years) - whereas I have not - I haven't got very attached to anyone. I have been playing it cool but I feel like I might be slipping into something bad --- I was fine w/o her. She consistently pushes the conversation to about us and before and how she screwed up and all this other bs. But honestly she has always been the grass is greener type. She has a love of life - that I have always loved - but that has also gotten her into trouble - with over doing everything. She says she is different now - but I don't know if I believe her. So I am wondering should I even pursue this any longer - I start thinking about who she might have been with - do I know them? - did she love them? - is she on the rebound?(she has been single for a couple months now) - would I even go for this more mature (but different) person if I met her on the street? (part of me says no).

 

I know that this was long, and I really really appreciate any feedback whatsoever. Past "second chances" gone wrong - better off alone - or whatever.

 

Thanks

[mandrews1119]

Hello, and how are you?

First thing, calm down, look at yourself squarely in the mirror and ask yourself what do you want from this relationship? If the honest answer is that you want to try, then you have to go about doing that putting your best foot forward. You are already a step ahead of all of the other folks on this forum who would die to be in your shoes!

 

You will get PLENTY of good advice here, but you must sort through what is applicable in your case and use it if it fits. You will also get a lot of opinions that come from others' personal stories, so use what you feel is best. That being said, here goes.

 

Once you have decided what you want and are going to do, try to apply some principles to guide you. I am assuming you will have chosen to at least pursue the relationship, if for no other reason, for closure. there is no reason to rush into things. Try not to bring up too much of the angry hurtful stuff, there will be plenty of time for analysis. Perhaps you are curious why she wants to see you at this stage, explore that if it helps. Once the two of you have laid out some framework, then try what is comfortable for you both. you can't beat yourself up about who she has been with, etc., etc., - the time you guys were apart doesn't belong to either of you, it was your own "space". the quickest way for things NOT to work is to get all worked up over where she was or who she was with. If it comes up and she wants to tell you, then that is different, but don't go playing detective.

 

Only you know how much you want to give things a try. If you are worried about her "grass is greener" side, then let her know, and also see if she has matured enough to make it worth it for both of you to try again anew. Try and work through the issues that bothered both of you. If she is willing to try these things with you, and you feel you can too, then by all means try.! You would be forever kicking yourself in the pants if you let the chance slip past you. Be hones, be open - and keep your eyes open.

[sensitiveguy]

Thanks for the response. I am getting a little obsessive about this - lurking around waiting for responses! . I guess yeah I am primarily interested in the reasons for the contact and if it is truly geniune or if it just the same old s***. I mean the only reason I would ever try this again - is if she truly thinks it could work out and her time with other people cleared her mind and questions about if the grass truly is greener. I mean if she got dumped by these guys - personally I have no interest - none whatsoever. I don't want to be the safe bet or the rebound guy. I want to be the guy that she thought she lost. I guess I am asking for the borderline impossible --- "I still thought about you these past years and realized noone compares to you!" is pretty much the line I am looking for from her. Unreasonable - Maybe - But I can hope right?

 

For all the people wanting to get back with the ex -- "Be careful for what you wish for!"

[julieg]

sensitiveguy, speaking from experience. if she is a or was a grass is greener girl what transformed her? could it be a string of bad relationships with guys who turned out to be losers?

only three things prompted my interest in my serious past loves:

1. i was depressed to find the grass is NOT greener and was hard up for someone who cares about me truly.

2. found out that the guy i dumped became incredibly successful (how very shallow but i am being truthful) I am not like this now by the way.

2. Life Transformation----i grew up finally and had major revelations based on 1 i.e. mid life crisis (she may be too young for this one)

 

hopefully she has thought this out thoroughly and is not leading you on. even in my immature youth i would never go there.

[dario]

Yes, I wouldn't take the fact that she might have been dumped by some guys and now she's going to you as the safe bet as a bad thing. It's realisation....sometimes it takes time, doesn't it? I mean, yes, she's caused you heartache...but she may have finally realised what she missed out on and in her heart of hearts she wants it back - genuinely. Don't be bitter...don't hurt yourself either...but if it comes - it comes.

[sensitiveguy]

Originally posted by julieg

sensitiveguy, speaking from experience. if she is a or was a grass is greener girl what transformed her? could it be a string of bad relationships with guys who turned out to be losers?

only three things prompted my interest in my serious past loves:

1. i was depressed to find the grass is NOT greener and was hard up for someone who cares about me truly.

2. found out that the guy i dumped became incredibly successful (how very shallow but i am being truthful) I am not like this now by the way.

2. Life Transformation----i grew up finally and had major revelations based on 1 i.e. mid life crisis (she may be too young for this one)

 

hopefully she has thought this out thoroughly and is not leading you on. even in my immature youth i would never go there.

 

Personally I had wondered about the "successful" bit - As you can probably tell I am not exactly trusting. But anyways I have done pretty well for myself since being broken up and she knows it. I couldn't have done what I have done without the breakup; Breaking up actually made me stop sitting around watching life pass me by.

 

I am hoping for the last one "Life Transformation", but she is only a few months younger than me, lol I guess that rules out mid life crisis. Maybe I am better off with someone after their midlife crisis

 

Originally posted by dario

Yes, I wouldn't take the fact that she might have been dumped by some guys and now she's going to you as the safe bet as a bad thing. It's realisation....sometimes it takes time, doesn't it? I mean, yes, she's caused you heartache...but she may have finally realised what she missed out on and in her heart of hearts she wants it back - genuinely. Don't be bitter...don't hurt yourself either...but if it comes - it comes.

 

I know it could be a realisation. But if she got dumped that makes me second, third, xth choice. I gave up on the bitter part a long time ago - but it resurfaces every once and awhile - I have to keep focused. I am actually pretty close just breaking these little talks and meetings off to avoid the potential pain. But I have already thrown away a relationship with a nice person because I didn't want to get hurt(couple years ago). It just makes me wonder if I am better off being a little lonely sometimes w/o the drama of a relationship...

 

Thanks for the support everyone. Its nice to know there are some really nice people out there. We are going out in a few days. I am going to have to ask some direct questions. I will be pouring my heart out again on the board soon, I am sure..

[mandrews1119]

Hey Sensitive,

By now you've figured out a few things, I would hope. It sounds like you are a bit angry at her. It's ok, just get past it or your anger will keep anything good from happening. Listen to Dario, when a woman comes back to you after leaving, in many ways it is a realization, it is maturity of some sort, it is a life transformation. Bottom line is no matter WHY (and you HAVE to stop obsessing over why) she is trying to find her way back to YOU - not H-I-M, get the drift? If you are that bent out of shape, be honest and let her know it. Do not let the opportunity pass you by to attempt a reconciliation, or you will always be asking yourself "what if" - and that is worse. Best of luck, hope it works out for you.

[calithin83]

if u still have feelings for her id say u give her another chance, maybe shes different now.....stop thinking of who shes been with and who she loved, thats her past maybe she needed iot to figure out that the true sweetheart was YOU......imagine after dating other guys she runs back to u, and not only that but she wants YOU...that must mean u got something all those men didnt have!!

 

so dont worry about who she dated and how many people she did it with, i know that can be hard cos ure most likely curious but do u really wanna know???? if u do it just might make u angry and annoyed, as of now its better not to know and look at her as just her NOW...right now shes single, right now she wants YOU, and thats all that should matter....

because if u think of the men shes been with it will just make things crumple up...

 

 

U probably didnt do much dating after u guys broke up which was kinda bad, maybe u shouldve but its ok....dont worry....if i were u id give her another chance but without giving my total heart and trust...give it time...make her work for it a bit, if u see shes really changed then really go all at it..who knows maybe u guys are meant to be:)...

[sensitiveguy]

We went out, had an awesome time. Minus the insane discussion we had. She says she definately wants to try again, and if I tell her no that she could deal with it because in her heart she tried. That kind of comment bothers me, it makes me feel like I could be throwing away something. She said she is "so done" with being "young and stupid", she is just looking for someone "who loves me for me." I am not concerned about who she has been with(number of ppl etc). I am however concerned with what she has learned from the experiences. She was crying and everything - it was pretty uncomfortable. I had trouble keeping my composure and my emotions took over a bit. It was left open ended, she said she would accept me as any part of her life... For me the only way I would stay in her life is if we were to try again, I don't do the friends with the ex thing. It just doesn't work. No more plans were made, just to talk "later." I think she is waiting for me to tell her what we are going to try to do.

 

Another thing why would it have to take running into someone to contact them? She could have contacted me in the past... I just can't help feeling like the guy that just happened to be around.

 

I hate thinking this, but I don't think I am going to do it. I get too emotional over her and I can't get hurt again. I just don't trust it. Can someone tell me this is a good idea please?

[mandrews1119]

Sensitive,

 

It sounds like you are the one who needs to do some maturing here. If the feelings you say you have are genuine, then it is a bad idea NOT to give things a try. Why do you think you feel what you feel? So, what do you want her to do, crawl? Do you think you are punishing her for leaving you the first time? And how will you REALLY feel if you turn down this opportunity - which in essence is pushing her away, and then SHE finds someone else? You will be kicking yourself for not trying is what you'll be doing. You have more to gain (namely your love) than to lose by not giving both of you the chance to have an even better relationship than you had. Once again, best of everything to you. I hope it works out.

[sensitiveguy]

Your right. I sound immature. I haven't had much experience since her, and I think it shows... Which is something I am worried about. Looking back at what I have been saying it seems maybe I am trying to think of every single reason why NOT to do this. I am a head case I really am, and I don't want to hurt her. Part of me in a way did want to punish her - that is not right. Maybe this sounds crazy, but I still love her. I know it would be starting from scratch, and I guess I have been trying to figure it all out before we even try. A bit of over-analyzation. I am sensitive, alas, the nickname. Sh**, I think I am just going to jump in and try this. Like you said I have much more to gain (as well as her). And actually gets me a little teary eyed typing this. I need to stop thinking and start doing.

 

Thanks for the straight talk.

[sarah12]

My advice is to go into it, but definitely be very very cautious. Take things VERY slowly. The second time around will be hard, especially since you have some doubts in your mind. It's never good to go into a relationship like that. It's best to have an open heart. So take things slowly and just appreciate the time that you spend together without worrying too much, but do be aware. Yes, it is a fine line, and you have to know how to handle it.

[mandrews1119]

Dear Sensitive,

Congratulations and good luck! I'm glad to see at least you were honest enough to admit and realize the feelings you had (have) including the anger/resentment. It isn't starting from scratch though, it is rebuilding from ashes. That has its' good and bad points. Bad first. The bad is you have to overcome the negatives and be sure not to let the feelings of anger, etc. get in the way. Usually, if your desire to make things work is stronger than the desire to hurt, punish, or be petty, you will overcome this. The good is, after all you two have been through, you have decided that life is better for you both WITH each other, and there is nothing stronger or better than to give that all you can to make it work. All of the reasons you have read here plus all of the reasons you yourself have stated give you more than agood chance in my opinion. First of all, you are taking a step in the positive direction by even taking the time and effort to reunite. A lot of couples don't get that far, and wind up regretting it. Plus, there is a strength and power in reuniting with your love that cannot be denied. There isn't much stronger than "you and me against the world". It helps you to learn to give the relationship respect and a "life" of its' own that both of you can relate and commit to. It gives you the perspective that so many couples who don't "try" never have. The first part is to honestly admit what you DO feel (and you have), and then decide just what it is you two want to do. No need to rush, but no need to hesitate either. Again, my congratulations, and best of luck to you. Please drop back in and report your success to us here, everyone loves to hear a happy ending.

[sensitiveguy]

Thanks. I want to take it slow but still want to be open to it. We will see what happens. I really can't lose anything. I will take what comes, good or bad .

 

Hopefully I will have some good news soon.

[monkey]

It's the kind of things sensitive guy , that keeps us all in hope.

Sometimes i wish my s/o would realise that the loyalty & love & being there for her is what she wants. She once told me that all women want what i can give, i hope she realises that...Good luck & heres to reconciliation, it happens.

[sensitiveguy]

Thanks. Hang in there. My only regret is that I didn't date much after the breakup. So you might want to try that. I wish I could offer more than just hope in exchange for all the good advice I have heard here. I can say one thing though. The no contact rule is a must. She specifically mentioned multiple times how much that made her think about things. And it definately helped me. She originally wanted to be friends - which I tried but freaked out and thankfully enacted the no contact thing. Its much better to be fully free of the other person for both of the people involved to do your thinking (and hopefully come to a good conclusion!).