She won't leave us alone.

[Billie]

Hi all,

 

I've been having an affair with an older, married man for 8 months now. I will refer to him as John. I am single. Honestly the affair started as I had just moved to a new town, didn't know anyone and was looking for some excitement.

 

He has been married for over 30 years though has had over 20 affairs. His last affair was with a woman he works with, I'll refer to her as Jane. John and janes affair lasted 2 years and she was also married, infact her and her husband are very good friends with john and his wife. Their affair ended 2 years ago, they still work together and their families are still friends, no one knowns of their affair but she is still in love with him.

 

About 5 months ago jane found out about us and has since gone into a state

of depression, she has not told his wife however she has cornered me and told me I was a horrible person for conducting an affair. She then tried to warn me off him. I understand why she did this, she still loves him and me being with

him is breaking her heart. I told her that I was sorry she was hurting but she is being hypercritical.

 

Her depression was causing suspicision and she has had to confide in her husband, she has told him of my affair with john but not of hers.

 

Life with john is good, we get on well, care fir each other and both provide eachother with something that the other needs, though problems are occurring, he is often unable to meet me or call me because he does nor want to upset jane. His wife is no bother, it is jane he has to hide from. She is integral to his business and he does not want her to leave though he equally agrees that she needs to stop asking him where he is going or if he has seen or spent time with me.

 

I feel sorry for his wife and have thought about ending the affair and leaving them all to get back to their relations but I am fond of john and can get lonely at times. I don't want him to leave his wife or put me before her but I would

like to be considered before jane. Because of his personal and business relationship with her they often socialise and it is this I get jealous of, not his wife.

 

I would love to hear peoples thoughts on the situation.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't see the problem. You knew he cheated and with that comes baggage. It is hard to believe you feel sorry for his wife yet you continue in the mess. Take what you get or get out. Simple.

[lolapalooza]

Don't worry. If he's had 20 affairs, I'm sure you'll be in Jane's shoes before too long.

[Billie]

Good point, though I think even he is worn out after dealing with 3 women!! I don't expect john and I to last, I just get frustrated with the situation, I wouldn't mind if it was his wife, but it's not. Thank you both for your input.

[jenifer1972]

20 affairs? Now more? Just goes to show that even in countries where polygamy is outlawed, women will still sign up for number 2, and 3, and 4...positions. We do this to ourselves. Men don't force us.

[Billie]

He is no longer romantically involved with jane, it ended 2 years ago. She is no longer his mistress. Yet she still inteferes. If he is spending time with his wife I do not mind, she is his wife and should come first. I just get frustrated with his ex.

 

No one is forcing me into this situation I am posting as this is a forum meant for the purpose of discussion and I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.

[jj33]

Are you sure this is true? Noone but noone would keep an exmistress on the payroll if she was causing him problems.

 

Noone is THAT integral to the business. She is a ticking time bomb for him. If he hasnt given her a package and helped her find another job by now, then you really have to wonder what is going on there.

 

Even stranger is the fact that Jane hasnt left on her own. Why would she want to continue to work for him?

[jennie-jennie]

Hi, Billie. Welcome to LS!

 

Interesting situation you are in, being jealous of and impacted by the former MOW (married other woman). I have heard of men having multiple other women, but never a story like yours. I am certain you are not the only one though.

 

You seem to be taking your relationship with the MM pretty cool. You seem happy with him. You seem to be taking it for what it is. That is a good thing.

 

White Flower is a poster here whose MM has been a serial cheater. Perhaps she has some similar experience to share with you. Keep an eye open for her. She generally has good advice to share.

 

Actually your situation minus the wife sounds like what many women have to go through with their boyfriends' exes. Not so strange if you think of it like that.

 

Take care.

Edited July 5, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Billie]

Jane wanted to leave as she was so upset to see john moving on but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Jane and her husband and john and his wife have all been close friends for years, they even holiday together. If she left the business she would have to explain her reasons to not only her husband but also to johns wife. As they are all so close, leaving work wouldn't be enough, they would have to stop socialising too And this again would require an explanation.

 

She did eventually tell her husband that the reason she is do upset is because she has found out that john is having an affair and she can't believe he souls do that to 'her best friend' (johns wife) what she hasn't told her husband is the real reason she is upset is because she had an affair with john and is still in live with him.

 

I hope this makes sense!

 

Thanks again all for your input!

[jj33]

The man I was involved with was a serial cheater as well. And while he never admitted who his prior involvements had been some I could guess by comments made by the other women when his name was mentioned.

 

Again I have to say if this woman particularly a married OW is still this upset I question if he is being honest with you. It simply doesnt add up.

 

The serial MM is a breed apart. He may have his reasons for cheating, he may say he is serial but the facts here are just not adding up.

 

I look back and I dont believe that xMM was ever with anyone else when we were together but there are certain things that I would have thought he would have shared with me that I found out about afterwards that he didnt. There is more going on with them than you might expect and not in a good way.

 

I think you have to look at it like you have your time, as long as it lasts and thats fine, and you cut your losses when it stops meeting your needs or when Jane gets too annoying. People are serial for a reason, they dont want to leave and they like thing things the way they like them.

 

Which leads me back to my original point. If he didnt want Jane around, she wouldnt be there. Unless she is very specialized in some super technical thing, the typical serial MM wouldnt keep trouble around.

[jennie-jennie]

Jane wanted to leave as she was so upset to see john moving on but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Jane and her husband and john and his wife have all been close friends for years, they even holiday together. If she left the business she would have to explain her reasons to not only her husband but also to johns wife. As they are all so close, leaving work wouldn't be enough, they would have to stop socialising too And this again would require an explanation.

 

She did eventually tell her husband that the reason she is do upset is because she has found out that john is having an affair and she can't believe he souls do that to 'her best friend' (johns wife) what she hasn't told her husband is the real reason she is upset is because she had an affair with john and is still in live with him.

 

I hope this makes sense!

 

Thanks again all for your input!

 

It does make sense. I kind of figured that was what it was about.

[jj33]

Billie I just saw your post but it still doesnt add up.

 

She could still leave. They are NOT best friends. She would probably love a reason not to see the couple and could find some reason to explain i to her H.

 

It sounds like a lot of drama. Are you sure hes not keeping her on a string in case you get bored of him? that would make more sense.

 

And try calling him on his mobile and staying of her face as much as possible that will certainly make things easier.

[lolapalooza]

Hmm... So you don't expect your affair to last, he's a serial cheater, his last OW is causing him trouble, and you don't seem that attached to him. And oh yeah, he's married. (no, I didn't conveniently "forget".)

 

Seems to me that you could find a lot less drama with a single guy. So maybe it's the drama that attracts you.

[lolapalooza]

This is what the OP said in her opening post. She didn't state on thoughts that JJ approves of.:confused:You're always whinning about people and labels why don't you pay attention to your own words? There is no hate in any of the posts. It seems you just like playing board police. Get a grip.

Didn't you get the memo, Bent? Only happy OW are allowed to greet newbie OW on this board! We didn't follow proper protocol, and posted too soon! Even though I am neither a BS nor a hater, so I don't know what she is talking about. The OP thanked us for our input, so I don't see what the problem is.

 

Back on topic: OP, I'm having a little trouble seeing what the problem is. It's not like she is going to out you to the BS; it would risk her relationship with your MM. But then again, as I've posted before, I don't get why you're even bothering since you know it's going nowhere.

[Billie]

Thank you 'jennie-jennie' and 'jj33' you've both been very helpful and given me a good perspective on things. Jj33 I think you're right about the situation. Although jane is trouble if she stays and trouble if she leaves. If she stays she gets in the way of mine and johns relationship. If she leaves then her affair with him will come out in the open, ruining her marriage as well as johns, plus both coupled have adult children.

 

I want to believe him but am torn as after all he lies to everyone else why should I think that he doesn't lie to me.

 

His lieing to me worries me as it then changes the premise of our relationship.

 

I guess I just have to let it play out and see what happens.

[Fieldsofgold]

I can see where he might keep her around for one or more of the following reasons:

 

1. The long-term family involvement would make it hard to explain her leaving.

2. Maybe she is not that skilled, and would not be able to easily get an equal job elsewhere. Besides, I'm sure she has job security with him that she would not have elsewhere If she needs to take off for some reason or other, I bet he's more lenient than another company would be. Not suggesting that she takes advantage of it, but it's always good to know you have job security.

3. If she's still in love with him, she probably wants to be as close as possible.

4. Maybe he is keeping her around in case he runs out of OW.

5. Maybe she IS his OOW.

 

Would it bother you if you found out he had another "side interest?" If he does, would it make a difference to you whether it was her or someone else?

[White Flower]

Are you sure this is true? Noone but noone would keep an exmistress on the payroll if she was causing him problems.

 

Noone is THAT integral to the business. She is a ticking time bomb for him. If he hasnt given her a package and helped her find another job by now, then you really have to wonder what is going on there.

 

Even stranger is the fact that Jane hasnt left on her own. Why would she want to continue to work for him?

jj, there are plenty of exOW who are into controlling and threatening their exMM; they're called Bunny Boilers and Jane is one of them. He keeps her BECAUSE she's a timebomb, not in spite of it.

 

She's obviously got mental problems, needs anti-depressants, and is discussing MM's A with the new girl to her own H. Stange for sure, not dealing with the reality of it well.

 

My own guy dealt with one like this and I helped him cut ties. I had to show him how to call her bluff. He really felt she would tell his W if he didn't talk friendly with her at the very least and I didn't really like him talking to her at all. I finally convinced him that she would never tell because she had JUST as much to lose as he did by telling. And that was a lot. He said goodbye and guess what? She never did tell the W.

 

My guess is that Jane won't either. I think, if you really want her to step back, you'll have to tell her yourself that you think her H needs to know about the A since her H now knows about you. I mean, it's a pretty dramatic way to go and I wouldn't do it myself, but I pretty much think it's fault proof. Call her bluff.

[jennie-jennie]

Billie, some women just are like that. They never let go off a past love.

 

When my ex and I hooked up once upon a time, his ex girlfriend was like that. She wouldn't leave us alone. She had left him some months prior after having cheated on him with his best friend and then leaving him for the best friend. Still as soon as she noticed we were hooking up, it was like she wanted to protect her territory. It didn't matter that she had moved on to a new relationship.

 

So in your case if Jane is still in love with your MM, I can see it happening. But do listen to jj and take what she says in account. She is one wise woman.

[White Flower]

Thank you 'jennie-jennie' and 'jj33' you've both been very helpful and given me a good perspective on things. Jj33 I think you're right about the situation. Although jane is trouble if she stays and trouble if she leaves. If she stays she gets in the way of mine and johns relationship. If she leaves then her affair with him will come out in the open, ruining her marriage as well as johns, plus both coupled have adult children.

 

I want to believe him but am torn as after all he lies to everyone else why should I think that he doesn't lie to me.

 

His lieing to me worries me as it then changes the premise of our relationship.

 

I guess I just have to let it play out and see what happens.

Didn't read every single post but chances are he's telling you the truth.

 

Oftentimes MM don't admit previous As but for some reason this one has chosen to be frank with you. If so, why would he be with this OOW or exOW after telling you? It makes no sense, unless he gets off on female jealousy and drama. I'm pretty sure most MM are into the A for the sex and not so much the drama that comes with disclosing other OW.

[SidLyon]

I do know of a similar situation.

 

A very close friend of mine A, became involved with a MM with a wife called N. At the time A became involved, the MM was finishing an affair with another woman S. The wife knew of the affair; in fact the MM, N their children and S all regularly went on holidays together. Me and my friend found this unbelievable.

 

This started nearly 25 years ago by the way. Over the next couple of years S was "phased out" and my friend A found herself in S's position. She also, to my amazement, went on family holidays with MM, his wife and family.

 

Then after a few years, the MM started a relationship with yet another woman K. My friend A was distraught. The interesting thing was the MM tried to keep the affair with my friend going. He pretended to both the new OW and to my friend that there was nothing going on with the other. I never met his wife but I assume she must have known.

 

It took several years for this situation to resolve itself but it did end up with the MM eventually leaving his wife and marrying K at about the time the last child left home. My friend A eventually married (for the first time) a really great man about 5 years ago at the age of 50. She spent her childbearing years with this guy.

 

They spent plenty of time together apart from his family but the MM regularly used to humiliate her in front of her friends. I'm pretty certain having a wife and 1 or 2 OW on the go is a lifetime habit for this guy.

 

Of the 3 OW I know about, he went through the same pattern each time. Not too fussed about the wife, but lying to the current OW that the affair with the immediately preceding OW was over, when it wasn't.

 

Could this be your situation too?

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you 'jennie-jennie' and 'jj33' you've both been very helpful and given me a good perspective on things. Jj33 I think you're right about the situation. Although jane is trouble if she stays and trouble if she leaves. If she stays she gets in the way of mine and johns relationship. If she leaves then her affair with him will come out in the open, ruining her marriage as well as johns, plus both coupled have adult children.

 

I want to believe him but am torn as after all he lies to everyone else why should I think that he doesn't lie to me.

 

His lieing to me worries me as it then changes the premise of our relationship.

 

I guess I just have to let it play out and see what happens.

 

Didn't read every single post but chances are he's telling you the truth.

 

Oftentimes MM don't admit previous As but for some reason this one has chosen to be frank with you. If so, why would he be with this OOW or exOW after telling you? It makes no sense, unless he gets off on female jealousy and drama. I'm pretty sure most MM are into the A for the sex and not so much the drama that comes with disclosing other OW.

 

I understand you are worried that your MM might be lying to you. Don't be blue eyed, but still:

 

I think it is much better to trust the person you love and be proved wrong, than to mistrust him/her and be proved wrong.

[Trimmer]

I am just trying to give newcomers a heads up that the OW/OM forum IS a place were you can come for support, even when many of the posts suggest the contrary.

Interesting, because even after you posted the "hate brigade" warning, the OP still thanked "all" for their input. It seems you are protesting on her behalf.... when she isn't even protesting!

 

 

Jane wanted to leave as she was so upset to see john moving on but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Jane and her husband and john and his wife have all been close friends for years, they even holiday together. If she left the business she would have to explain her reasons to not only her husband but also to johns wife. As they are all so close, leaving work wouldn't be enough, they would have to stop socialising too And this again would require an explanation.

 

She did eventually tell her husband that the reason she is do upset is because she has found out that john is having an affair and she can't believe he souls do that to 'her best friend' (johns wife) what she hasn't told her husband is the real reason she is upset is because she had an affair with john and is still in live with him.

 

I hope this makes sense!

 

Thanks again all for your input!

 

 

 

Although jane is trouble if she stays and trouble if she leaves. If she stays she gets in the way of mine and johns relationship. If she leaves then her affair with him will come out in the open, ruining her marriage as well as johns, plus both coupled have adult children.

 

I want to believe him but am torn as after all he lies to everyone else why should I think that he doesn't lie to me.

 

His lieing to me worries me as it then changes the premise of our relationship.

 

I guess I just have to let it play out and see what happens.

 

I think this is an important point here, and given that he is a practiced liar, it makes me wonder if he's telling you any real version of the truth or not. Jane apparently has A LOT to lose if her A with John is revealed. It is vastly in her best interest to keep everything quiet and hide everything so as not to attract any possibility of suspicion back to herself.

 

Given his lying, it certainly would be hard to figure out what is going on... I wouldn't take anything at face value, especially if John is your only source of information. He may be manipulating something else going on by getting you to believe these things about Jane. Maybe he wants to get back with her and is using you to make her jealous?

 

Do you know anything about their relationship or her current feelings, other than what you learn from John? Can't guarantee it, but if he really is a 20-time serial cheater, then he has become quite skilled at lying and deception, and I'd have to wonder if he is playing a manipulative game of some sort that you don't have visibility into.

[Billie]

Hi White flower, thanks your experience is much appreciated!!

 

I don't think I could ever call her bluff, it is tempting but I don't want to be responsible for breaking up two marriages, let alone one . Also I have been in love with someone before and they didn't want me so I know how she feels. When I spoke with jane I told her that the problem is not me, as if he wasn't seeing me, he would be seeing another woman.

 

I was looking for excitement, I work long hours and find it difficult to meet people that I feel I can connect with. When I met john I felt we had similarities so I went for it. I was on my own, lonely and wanted a bit of fun in my life.... Probably got a little more than I bargined for though!!

 

I really don't think he is seeing someone else or continuing to have an affair with jane, if I found out otherwise I would walk away.

 

I probably should walk away now but don't want to, right now it is better being with him than having no one and he is caring and good to me and I care for him but do get frustrated with this strange situation.

 

I guess I'm not looking for answers, just a place to vent.

 

Thanks for allowing me to do that!!

[Fieldsofgold]

Does Jane know you? I think it's very risky that she told her H about John having an affair. Do you have anything to lose (other than John), if she outs him? I have never been in such a situation, but I think i would probably let John remind her of what she could lose if she reveals more.

 

I think you are being very realistic to realize that since this guy lies so ably to everyone else, he might lie to you as well. IMO, I think he probably would/will/or at least is very likely to lie to you at some point. At the least, 20 affairs would surely make him a "risk." Are you ok with that?

[Fieldsofgold]

I do know of a similar situation.

 

A very close friend of mine A, became involved with a MM with a wife called N. At the time A became involved, the MM was finishing an affair with another woman S. The wife knew of the affair; in fact the MM, N their children and S all regularly went on holidays together. Me and my friend found this unbelievable.

 

This started nearly 25 years ago by the way. Over the next couple of years S was "phased out" and my friend A found herself in S's position. She also, to my amazement, went on family holidays with MM, his wife and family.

 

Then after a few years, the MM started a relationship with yet another woman K. My friend A was distraught. The interesting thing was the MM tried to keep the affair with my friend going. He pretended to both the new OW and to my friend that there was nothing going on with the other. I never met his wife but I assume she must have known.

 

It took several years for this situation to resolve itself but it did end up with the MM eventually leaving his wife and marrying K at about the time the last child left home. My friend A eventually married (for the first time) a really great man about 5 years ago at the age of 50. She spent her childbearing years with this guy.

 

They spent plenty of time together apart from his family but the MM regularly used to humiliate her in front of her friends. I'm pretty certain having a wife and 1 or 2 OW on the go is a lifetime habit for this guy.

 

Of the 3 OW I know about, he went through the same pattern each time. Not too fussed about the wife, but lying to the current OW that the affair with the immediately preceding OW was over, when it wasn't.

 

Could this be your situation too?

 

This sounds a bit like the situation my BF/unknown to me MM tried to do with me. Told his W that I was his "buddy," hid me from his OW of 10 years, once I found out, he tried desperately to convince me he only loves me, has dumped the OW, and is now living alone on his boat. (insert eye roll) I think some of these guys try to get by with as much as they can. When his W called me, she said there would be nothing he would like more than to have three women waiting for him.