roccoandraddo Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 My GF and I are both 23. Here's my situation: I run almost daily and do push-ups, etc. to stay in shape. I am in good shape, pretty toned, and I am 6ft tall, 160lbs. I like sports, running, hiking, vigorous work, swimming, walking, etc. Fitness is and almost always has been a top priority for me. I value looking good for my GF. But she does not share these sentiments, she is 5'8"-9" and outweighs me by at least 25-30 pounds. She carries it relatively well, and is still attractive, but seems to have no motivation to lose weight or get in shape. She has low self-esteem because of her weight and always complains about it but never does anything about it. She doesn't like to run or go to the gym, even though there's a gym on campus that's free for her to use and is really nice. She has a sexy figure, but needs to slim down to look healthy. I like her big round butt and her shape, but her gut sticks out and her legs, arms and torso are just kind of flabby. I love her for who she is, not what she weighs, but I still want her to take initiative and get in shape, so she can look better and feel better about herself. My ex was always overweight and I tried to get past it but never really could. I felt cheated because I tried so hard to look good for her but she never did for me. I vowed never to date someone I wasn't physically attracted to again, because people tend to not change their habits. My GF won't change the way she eats or exercises, and she always feels bad about herself and it brings me down. I don't want a barbie doll, anorexic swimsuit model, just a healthy looking girl who cares about how she looks and takes the initiative to take care of herself. I am also scared because both her mom and grandma are very overweight and this does not bode well for her future. I don't want to grow old with an obese, unhealthy woman. Do people really change? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 Dude, why are you with this girl? She won't change her habits, she makes you feel bad because you were married before, and then thinks you are a pig just because you some some nudity in a movie. I've read all your seperate posts. She really needs to shape up, or you need to find someone more your style. Sounds like you are in a living hell with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roccoandraddo Posted February 4, 2004 Author Share Posted February 4, 2004 I guess love doesn't have to make sense, cause I do love her. I mean, we broke up once for all of the above reasons. I didn't have the heart to tell her all the reasons, like the shape-up thing and other things. We still talked all the time and eventually got back together and have had lots of good times. She's better than my ex, but more similarities are there than I would like, such as the physical lethargy and different physical habits, as well as a lack of reciprocation in the sexual dept. I don't know, we moved into this real fast and I know she would go nuts if we broke up and would talk about feeling worthless and killing herself and all that. Maybe it'll blow over, maybe the grass is always greener. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 I am a 40 year old married man 6' 3" 260. My wife is also 40, 5'8" and over 300. I have come to the conclusion that she will be big forever. she does care and doesn't like the way she is but simply doesn't have the willpower to change. I got down to 225 two years ago and tried to get her motivated too but it didn't work and now I gained the weight back. She loves to eat and I love to cook. So I get caught up in her problem and gain weight. I have always been with fat chicks and I wonder what it would be like to actually have sex with someone I am physically attracted to and doesn't hurt my hips if they are "on top". I blame my low self esteem for not trying to date good looking girl, they have always intimidated me and left me tongue tied. So I always dated the fat chicks because it was easier and there was less pressure to be "on". Bottom line, she will probably always be heavy. p.s. 6 foot and 160? Isn't that underweight? I would never want to be that skinny. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 ok, I can see your problem here, but I think you either need to accept your girlfriend for who she is or just find a women with a more appealling figure. But, of course life is never that easy.. This girl may have things about her, that you love and may be hard to find in another women, be careful, don't give up a good thing to just find some skinny chick.... Believe me I see your point. I have never been with anyone who is overweigh. I take care of my physical appearance and I don't think I would ever even consider going out with someone who was not physically fit... But, that is me.... You found something in the women that you found appealing. Maybe, if you tried planning some activites that would make her get some exercise. Like a walk or a hike. Try and make exercise something fun for you two to do together. Spending quality time and getting exercise is one of my favorite things to do together. My boyfriend and I go mountain biking together. It is a great way to get some exercise, get outside and spend some quality alone time together. Just a thought.... Good luck!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 Overweight, hungup, prudish to an extreme, lethargic, no motivation, flabby, unattractive, low self-esteem, and impossible for you to dump. Hey Rocco! What's it gonna take for you to make your move out the door, down the sidewalk, into your car and peeling outta there? Your many posts read like a criminal indictment of your girlfriend as an impossible mate for you. Who are you trying to convince - us or yourself? Or are you just in a crummy mood and seeing everything from a bad perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 Hmmmm. I'm starting to wonder exactly what the problem is in this relationship. Yes, it certainly sounds that Rocco's gf has a ton of baggage (I've read many, if not all, of his other posts). But at some point you gotta wonder why Rocco is staying with someone who is so clearly a bad fit for him. Hey, Rocco - what keeps you with this woman? This: I know she would go nuts if we broke up and would talk about feeling worthless and killing herself and all that. is NOT a reason to stay with her. It may be a reason for getting her into counseling, or contacting student services at your school, or possibly even contacting her parents if you really believe she is suicidal. But it is NOT a reason to stay with her. It won't make you happy and it won't make her happy, either. And it isn't going to get better just by wishing it so. The more you present the reasons you are not compatible with her combined with your reluctance to break things off, the more it appears that you need to do some soul-searching as to what this relationship is providing you with that you are not motivated to leave it and find someone with whom you can relax and be happy. P.S. As for whether she will change, specifically in relation to her weight, if she is 190 at 5'8", she is already approaching obesity and, given that her mom and grandmother are both significantly overweight, it is much more likely than not that she will follow their path. It may be a cliche, but it is largely true that if you want to know what the daughter will become, look at the mother. Link to post Share on other sites
princess75 Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 Well, after reading all these posts I have a suggestion. First ask yourself what do you provide to your gf, what do you do to make her happy. Then ask yourself why are you doing this? For you to be happy or for her? Second what in you do you lack that you are putting it in her...maybe she is not insecure to be who she is both physically and emotionally. Or maybe on the other hand, she has some issues (by the suicidal comments)...but this one you have to figure it out. Maybe you can go around the health issues with your gf, maybe instead of considering this through the beauty aspect give her articles to read about obesity problems and things like that. Attack it through the health aspect of fatnesss. Ask yourself one more thing, why do you have problems in trasmitting your needs to her??? For I read she knows nothing about how you feel about being fat. Maybe you are not ready for a commited relationship...ask yourself all this. And good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author roccoandraddo Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 very valid points/questions from all of you. Right now for me it's kind of like when you're young and you talk trash about your mom to your friends when she's being a bitch and they listen to it, but when they say that your mom's a bitch you get offended. I know that there are issues my GF and I need to work through together to make this thing function well in the long-term, but I feel like a lot of what I said was out of a negative reaction to a wierd evening that culminated in her acting wierd and mentioning "my past" the other night. I kind of gather that people wait till they have a fight with their BF/GF, bundle up all the negatives about that person, and spit it all out into one rant of a post on here, and that's what I've done. In a positive light: a.) she's mentioned that she wants a bike, and wants to go riding with me when the weather's better, b.)she wanted to go work out tonight (genuinely, I believe), even though we can't because we both have loads of homework, c.) she's made a lot of progress with issues of my past and we even joke about it from time to time, d.) I'm not a porn fiend, a movie buff, or a flirt, so her aversion to me seeing naked or semi naked females doesn't really cramp my style, e.) the words "lets go outside and do something" come out of her mouth more than any of my posts would let on. A lot of the issue is that my life has been a whirlwind. 02/2001 I met my ex, 08/2001 I got engaged, 05/2002 I got married, 09/2002 we seperated, 11/2002 we got back together, 02/2003 we split up for good, 04/2003 we got divorced, 04/2003 I met another girl, 05/2003 we started dating. So you can see that things have been happening almost too fast to process. I don't want to make another mistake, so I second-guess everything. I did learn a lot from my last relationship, and red-flags that I learned to watch out for are not present in this new thing I've got going. I think we may just be in a rut too. School is stressful and it sucks not to have money to go out or go anywhere. Thanks for your input guys, keep it coming... Link to post Share on other sites
Author roccoandraddo Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 PS: my name's not really rocco, that's my cat's name and it's short for Scirocco. Not that I have anything against the name, it just sounds very mob boss-ish and I didn't want anyone to think they'd get cement boots if they wrote back to me. Link to post Share on other sites
zidie Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 if your girlfriend has got some fat genes, no matter how hard she works in gyms, she will be still FAT! and, she gains weight by breathing air and drinking water, what could you do? change her genetic code? Better be off along if you cant put up with her weight. Link to post Share on other sites
flannelpajamas Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 I thought I would write in and give you a different perspective. I'm the fat girl. I am a woman who is 6-1 and I weigh 190 pounds. My fiance doesn't have great health habits all the time, but he has no problem with his weight like I do. Being overweight is embarrassing and just....shameful. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she probably uses food to cover up emotional issues. Some feelings from the past or low self-esteem or whatever can be so painful to experience that unconsciously it is preferable to be fat. I have been as low as 130 and as high as 210. Let me just tell you that your girlfriend may not want to work out because it doesn't feel good. A heavy body is a physical burden to carry around, plus, when working out you become very aware of your body and how it works, and that is the exact thing you are trying to escape from because you are ashamed of your body. You just want to forget about it. It takes tremendous faith, willpower, dedication, and consistency to accept your body and move beyond fear and disgust to change it instead of running away from the reality of yourself. If you are depressed, like you say your gf is, that sort of willpower is almost impossible. I understand you are really healthy and that's great. I want to be like that too and I'm really trying to get there, even though it feels like a snail's pace. I understand you want your gf to desire to be healthy and attractive and that's so normal too. I don't know much about your gf because I haven't read the other posts people are talking about, but I know that if your gf even senses that you're unhappy with her looks that it will drive her to the nearest binge food of choice. If you really want her to be fit, I think mental health comes first, with lots of emotional support from you and probably professional help it sounds like. Then she may have the strength to attack her weight problem FOR HERSELF--because trust me it's not going to work unless she's doing it for herself. And she may also become mentally strong and stay the weight that she is because that's what she has chosen--there are lots of women out there. They are big and they are happy. Either way it sounds like your gf has a long road ahead of her and you should realize that. Maybe you are too young to be on that road with a partner, I don't know. Last of all, I think whatever the issues are you should be honest with yourself about what you want. If I found out my bf felt about me the way you feel about your gf--scared to break up even though he secretly wanted to--it would make me cringe. I wouldn't want someone to be with me simply because they worried about my mental health. If that's how you really feel do her a favor and move on. She'll recover from a nervous breakdown and emerge stronger. That would be better than clinging on to something that her bf is not even sure about. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 I'm 5ft 9 and go at max 130 pounds.Unfortunately,I'm not petite and busty and am not my partner's preferred physical type.Where are all those guys who supposedly like tall slender women ? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 If you left her because she's fat, I'd feel sorry for her. If you left her because she doesn't give a rats ass about you, controls you, doesn't trust you, has no desire to work at the relationship, and makes you unhappy, I'd be proud of you. Why is it that 'love' causes the most pain in relationships? As if some semantic commitment cements people together and dooms them to a life of unhappiness. Link to post Share on other sites
tac719 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Take it from me. The emotional issues aren't going anywhere anytime soon. If you plan on staying with her then you need to learn how to live with them. I've known a lot of overweight people who were very emotionally happy. Her weight may be a product of her emotional issues. She definately will not become stronger with you just taking it. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 5'9 and 130 is like a perfect weight for you. If he thinks your not thin enough, then there's something wrong with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysticwolf Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I am a size 9 I weigh 150 and My @ss hole husband thinks I am fat. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I think this is where a lot of the porn issue comes into play with women. Women as a whole, we are always comparing ourselves to other women, someone is prettier, someone is thinner. Not to say guys dont too. But that we are told, at 5'9 and 130 lbs, or 5'9 and 150 lbs, healthy weights for that size, that were fat, and then he looks at porn, OF COURSE were going to have issues, becuase all of them are fake, and skinny and beautiful. But that is my rant. Now Rocco, what you have to ask yourself, is, do you truly love this girl? And if the answer is yes, then, though love doesnt conqour all, it will help. If she feels that low about herslef, and her weight, and she has that bad of self esteem, she needs YOU to help her lift that. Though you wanting her to go to the gym with you, or go running with you, everytime you mention that, even though youre probably doing it for the best intentions, she sees it as you saying she is too fat, and unattractive, wchihc just turns it into a vicious cycle, making her eat MORE, and gain more weight. You need to let her know that you think she is beatiful, just the way she is. You need to help her feel better about herself, and then from there, she will learn to work on herself. Link to post Share on other sites
rockstarmusician Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Can I smack you, niko1999? Just kidding. I'm a little on the overweight side and I really began to like this guy..we're great friends and everything but I just felt that if I dont start working out, he's just going to find someone else. So me and him have begun to work out. It's never been better. I feel so much better about myself and it's showing him that I'm taking an effort to help improve myself. Why not ask her to workout with you? Make it something the both of you can do. Go running/walking together, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Why do you want to smack me you booger? J/K Link to post Share on other sites
WWDDFD Posted March 6, 2004 Share Posted March 6, 2004 Here's a question; I'm dating this woman who keeps telling me she's fat... but she doesn't look it at all. I'm not sure what her weight is, but I sincerely doubt she's more than 10lb's heavier than what a supermodel should look like. In addition to this, she says she has a major chocolate problem; she's constantly eating chocolate (she says, I haven't witnessed this behaviour myself), and she says she works out an extra 30 minutes every day she works out (I'm guessing it's around 4-5 times a week?). What the hell is this all about? Am I dealing with someone who has a really low sense of self-esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
rockstarmusician Posted March 6, 2004 Share Posted March 6, 2004 I know some girls who are 100lbs and they say they're totally overweight. It drives me up the wall! I'm a girl myself and I don't say that. Yeah, I do say I'm overweight, but that's because I am! I'm about 60lbs than what I really should be. She may be telling you the truth when she says that she loves chocolate and can't stop eating it. If she works off more calories than she takes in, there will be no added fat to her body. I hope that makes some sense. It's late here so I'm just rambling on. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 6, 2004 Share Posted March 6, 2004 I get the same thing from my girl. She's lying, looking for countervalidation. Don't you dare stop telling her she's crazy Link to post Share on other sites
M Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Truth be told? No. Link to post Share on other sites
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