monster Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 Hello, I am new here, so I am not completely sure how this kind of thing works...but I need some advice. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have been living together for 1 1/2 years. I love my boyfriend immensely and he loves me. However, I find myself doing everything in our relationship. He buys me nice things all of the time...just recently he bought me a diamond tennis bracelet for no reason. But I don't really want him to buy me things, I just wanted to be loved and given the attention that I think is due to me. I don't feel like he pays much attention to me. When he comes home from class or work etc. the first thing he does is turn on the TV and ask me if dinner is ready. Then he proceeds to ignore me the rest of the night. If I ask him a question he says he is too busy. I don't understand why he does this. He thinks I need to do everything for him. He is an only child and his mom did everything for him when he was younger- laundry, cooking, picking up after him etc. Unfortunately I have to do all of these things for him otherwise he makes me feel like a bad person for wanting to help me out for a change. Then he gets mad when I tell him that he doesn't help me out at all and would appreciate having something done for me for a change. I do everything for him. I cook, clean and I am considerate of his feelings. If he is having a hard time with something, I try my best to help him out in any way I can. At the beginning of our relationship he was the one who did everything for me. He was always going to the store for me or buying me little things. He used to write me little notes to tell me he missed me and used to tell me how pretty I was. Now I find myself doing all of these things. I find myself going to the store for him constantly...it doesn't matter what is wrong with me...I even went to Starbucks for him when I had just gotten my wisdom teeth out two days before and my face was still swollen! When I try to mention to him how I feel about things, he just gets mad at me and tells me that I am being melodramatic. He purposely breaks my balls constantly to get a rise out of me and then as soon as he succeeds in doing so gets upset with me when I get angry. Then he calls me mean and nasty like it was me who caused that to happen. I do every little thing I possibly can to make him happy and it doesn't seem to me like he really cares about all of the time and effort I take to make our relationship work. He is always telling me he loves me but as soon as we argue about something he asks me if we should just be "buddies". It seems to me like he couldn't care of less if he no longer had me in his life, I mean, if he really cared would he be so quick to say lets just be friends as soon as we disagree about something or I don't do something he wanted me to do? He lies to me quite often as well, for no reason. He says it is because he knows I am just going to get mad...but who wouldn't get upset when a girl finds out that her boyfriend's ex girlfriend has been emailing him and calling him? Of course at the beginning of our relationship I told hm that his ex girlfriend bothered me...she has a lot of issues and has always come running to him whenever something happens to her. Well anyways, I asked him to tell her to no longer call him or email him since she was never going to get the hint that he no longer loved her. Of course he said he would. But instead I find out that she is still emailing him and calling him and he has emailed her back and called her back! I wouldn't have had any problem with it if he hadn't been lying to me the entire time. He doesn't care how I feel about it...he says that I shouldn't have any problem with his ex girlfriend (who he was highly involved with) contacting him. We have talked about marriage many times and has always led me to believe that I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with...and then sometimes when we do argue I feel like he does'nt really feel this way at all. We have talked about children, about a house and a dog, and about moving to the East coast to live near his family. He has even taken me there to meet his family. I guess what I am trying to say is that I really have no clue how he feels about me anymore. Does he still love me or is he just staying with me for lack of no where else better to go? Maybe I am being melodramatic...but is it so much to ask to being loved and wanted and desired by the guy who is supposedly in love with you? How am I supposed to talk to a boyfriend about these problems I see without him getting mad at me? Everytime I try this is what happens. Is there any advice anyone can give me? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
roccoandraddo Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 too many fatal flaws in this guy to list. I thought you were just reading through a book of classic a-hole moves and putting them into one post. This guy is the reason why men are hated and thought to be insensitive, selfish, and unemotional. People can change some behavior, but all the things this guy does are too deeply ingrained to ever make meaningful change in them. If you want to have a relationship with respect, fidelity, and fulfillment, this is not the guy to have it with. My opinion: dump asap. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the honest truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 You cannot change him - you can only change yourself. You said that he brings up "just be buddies" statements when you two do argue. Next time, tell him that is fine with you and then back it up by moving out. If you can't move out right away then make up a bedroll and start sleeping on the couch or if you have a second bedroom move into it. Start separating your things so that you can take them with you and find yourself a new place to live. It does not have to mean that the whole relationship is over - you can still see each other AS FRIENDS. If he wants more than that then insist on couples counseling. If he is not willing to do this then dump him -- he doesn't want you any longer. Get out before you have 10 years invested instead of just two. Buying you gifts is a poor substitute for love. It doesn't matter how expensive the gift is -- it's a cheap thing to do. Don't let yourself be devalued this way. Link to post Share on other sites
monster Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 I know I make him sound like he is a totally horrible person. He does really nice things for me as well...but it is almost like the bad things overshadow the good things. I almost feel like he tricked me into thinking that he was somebody that he was not. I don't know. This so hard! I love him and I want to try to make things work. Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 He's taking you for granted. And he probably also doesn't realize that you need different things from him to feel loved than he needs from you. The suggestion to agree next time he talks about just being "buddies" is a good one. In fact, I would take it a step further and initiate the break-up, making it clear to him why you are breaking up, and maybe even giving him a book that talks about loving people and how different people need to feel love and affection in different ways than others (LS'ers can probably give recommendations). He may just not realize how important this is, and that you are losing your love for him, and breaking up may be the only way for him to get it. And if you do break-up, you may have the intention of getting back with him, but don't let him in on that secret. And make it last for a while, don't go back after a week, and go out with your girlfriends, etc. so that he really feels like he's blown it (since he almost has). Then, if you do get back with him, make it a slow process, and make sure he's doing the things you really need from him and not just trying to buy you things to make happy. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 "The Five Love Languages", Gary Chapman Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 7, 2004 Share Posted February 7, 2004 From what you said this guy is definitely taking you for granted. You do so many sweet things for him that you don't even have to. You don't have to make him dinner, or clean up after him. And writing notes to him? Those are all wonderful things that would thrill me to death. I've only ever had one girl cook me dinner and I beamed about that for weeks. I hope he can wake up and realize he's got an amazing girl. Maybe he knows, but he needs to show it again! I remember how painful it was getting my wisdom teeth out, and you got him Starbucks? Wow is all I can say. And if you ask me, Marty_Mc_Fly's advice is golden. I can only agree and stress that you read it again Link to post Share on other sites
monster Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Thank you all so much for your advice! There has been a new development.... This last week my boyfriend decided that we should take a break. Instead of crying my head off about it in front of him I packed up some stuff and left for my mom's house while he was still at work. I just left him a note telling him I went to my mom's and that I would be back sometime later the next day. So, didn't call me all day on Saturday and once on Sunday to let me know that he was going to stay out late that night to play poker. Said okay, have fun...slept in the 2nd bedroom since we were taking a "break." On Monday I had a job interview and my dad invited me over for dinner. So, I went to the interview and went to my dad's without telling my boyfriend where I was going or leaving a note like I usually do. When I got home he asked me in a round about way how my interview went and what I did afterwards. When I told him nothing much, he goes "well obviously you did something since you didn't get home until 8:00". I told him it wasn't that important since we were taking a break...but if he must know, I went to my dad's for dinner. Slept in the 2nd bedroom that night. He called me at work the next morning asking me what I was getting him for Valentine's Day...when we are taking a break go figure. That day I went home early from work since I wasn't feeling well and decided I wanted to take a nap. He kept bugging me while I was trying to sleep and asking me why I didn't care that we were taking a break. He was being so ridiculous that I kept laughing at him and that I cared, I just wasn't going to bawl my eyes out over him. He was acting nuts! Mind you that in those few days when we were taking a break I didn't do any of his laundry or clean his messes, and I sure as hell didn't make him dinner. Needless to say when he found out that I was no longer going to do these things for him since we were only going to be friends he freaked out saying that I sounded like I didn't think that we were going to get back together. What the heck! So, he still wanted me to cook, clean and do everything else for him that I used to but have relationship options. When I told him that he was high he pretty much said in a roundabot way that he didn't mean anything that he said. Weird huh. So the whole week goes by with him being very loving etc. Then last night, he tells me he is going out with his two friends to go play poker and that he got off at 9:00 and would be going out after that. Sounded okay to me. Well, come this morning when I look at the clock at 5:00 AM he is still not home. Try to go back to sleep and get up to get ready for work at 6:20 still no boyfriend. Called him on his cell to see where the heck he was and got pissed off at me because I didn't ask him in the right tone of voice and that I knew where he was. Sorry, but when somebody tells you that they are going out to play poker with friends at 10:30 PM you would think that they would be home 8 hours later. So, now he is pissed off at me. Did I do anything wrong by wondering where the heck he was at 6:30 in the morning??? Any advice again guys??? Now that I have written a novel and all. Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Time to move on. When he's out 'til the early morning, never calls, and gets mad when you call him,.....................time to find a caring, understanding, compassionate boyfriend, and lose the immature child you're currently dating. Probably not the advice you're looking for, but it's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 OK, here's my advice: 1. Pack your bags -- all of it this time 2. Leave. Go live w/your mom or dad for the time being 3. Make it for real and permanent this time. I know you probably won't do this, but that's my advice. Even if you want to give this guy the benefit of a doubt and assume that he means well, he just doesn't know what to do (although I think it sounds like that's giving him too much credit), he is clearly an immature game-player who doesn't know how to conduct himself in a respectful way. He's nice when he thinks he needs to be, not because he's genuinely nice. It's manipulative, not genuine. How many times do you want to go through this kind of thing? Nothing has changed since your first post, at least nothing about him has changed. Have you changed, enough so that this simply intolerable? I hope so... Link to post Share on other sites
monster Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Well, I did ask for advice didn't I?? ;-) What got me was that when I called him, I had every right to be upset since I was kind of worried about him and because he didn't like my tone of voice he hung up on me! Then when he got home this morning before I left for work, I tried to talk to him about it and all he said was that he was mad at me and he wanted to go to sleep. Then he said that fine, next time he will call me at 4:00 AM to let me know where he is. I had every right to be upset! So instead of apologizing to me for being so late, he gets mad at me. Was I not supposed to be upset?? Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by monster On Monday I had a job interview and my dad invited me over for dinner. So, I went to the interview and went to my dad's without telling my boyfriend where I was going or leaving a note like I usually do. When I got home he asked me in a round about way how my interview went and what I did afterwards. When I told him nothing much, he goes "well obviously you did something since you didn't get home until 8:00". I told him it wasn't that important since we were taking a break...but if he must know, I went to my dad's for dinner. Okay, so here you are saying that you didn't need to inform him of your whereabouts and plans, but.... Then last night, he tells me he is going out with his two friends to go play poker and that he got off at 9:00 and would be going out after that. Sounded okay to me. Well, come this morning when I look at the clock at 5:00 AM he is still not home. Try to go back to sleep and get up to get ready for work at 6:20 still no boyfriend. Called him on his cell to see where the heck he was and got pissed off at me because I didn't ask him in the right tone of voice and that I knew where he was. Sorry, but when somebody tells you that they are going out to play poker with friends at 10:30 PM you would think that they would be home 8 hours later. So, now he is pissed off at me. Did I do anything wrong by wondering where the heck he was at 6:30 in the morning??? ...now you're upset that he didn't feel the need to inform you about HIS whereabouts? Seems kind of hypocritical to me. Walk away from this relationship. Any advice again guys??? Now that I have written a novel and all. Link to post Share on other sites
monster Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 On Tuesday after our discussion we ended up getting back together...no more break. So the rest of this week has been great, Valentine's Day was great as well. Calling me and being very attentive. Then last night he did the whole poker thing. Link to post Share on other sites
RobertoPNW Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 If he really wants to work on the relationship have him read "What Women Want Men to Know" by Barbara DeAngelis. You should also read it. Link to post Share on other sites
lucky7 Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Wow. I have a feeling that you have asked for advice on this before and that ALL your friends and your family tell you to leave him and you feel bad for him because he can be so nice and he's a good person deep down inside and so on and so forth. Sorry, but looks like your relationship will always be up and down unless you leave him. All the advice that everyone has given (not just in this site) is very true but unfortunately will probably not be taken. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lucky7 Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Wow. I have a feeling that you have asked for advice on this before and that ALL your friends and your family tell you to leave him and you feel bad for him because he can be so nice and he's a good person deep down inside and so on and so forth. Sorry, but looks like your relationship will always be up and down unless you leave him. All the advice that everyone has given (not just in this site) is very true but unfortunately will probably not be taken. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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