Confused123 Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 This the first time I have been on the site. I look on it because, I have been feeling the same feelings about porn and my boyfriend as other women have. I am a attractive women in her twenties. I don't have any big self-esteem issues. I am very open in the bedroom and will pretty much try anything. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and we currently are living together. Sexually our relationship is very charged. We have great sex and to be honest with you, I can never get enough of him. I understand that this topic is getting old, but I think my feelings are valid and I need some help in learning how to deal with them. Ok, Men are visual creatures, that have the ability to seperate there relationship with there girlfriend/wife to their use of porn. Meaning, men don't see them as being in the same ball park. That I can accept, not really understand, but accept. We have had several discussions about this and he always seem to understand my point of view and says he will stop. However, I can tell when he has been looking at it and when he has not been. His sexually desire for me seems less. So, if men are so wonderful at seperating porn and there sexual partner, then why does his porn use effect our sex life. I mean I don't want to be one of these women, that snoops through her boyfriends stuff, I have done that and it doesn't help me in any way. If anything it makes me feel worse. My real issue is the fact that he can not respect my feelings. I see his porn use as a lifestyle choice. I understand it can be hard to make those changes. That is what is so fustrating about it. I don't want to be controlling with him, but I wish he would respect my feelings. Outside of that he is a wonderful guy, who I know loves me very much. However, the fact that he cannot respect my feelings is really causing issues for me. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 be it porn, be it drugs, be it booze. your problem is that he is doing something you don't want him to do. you have 2 choices; 1) accept his porn use and live with it. 2) forbid him to use porn and threaten to leave him if he does. If he does use again, you must then leave to show you mean business. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 I have to disagree with you only slightly Doniker -- she has more than two choices. She can work with her bf to find either a compromise that will satisfy both of them, find a root cause for her bf's use of porn (this is something her bf may want to pursue--she can't do it for him) and with help he can make a behavior adjustment. If he is sneaking his porn and lieing to you about it he may have a problem with obsession, or he may not value you above porn--yet. I used to watch porn. When I was dating my spouse I used to watch porn. When I was told that it made my spouse feel uncomfortable, I was quiet about it, but still did it. At some point in the falling in love process I began to relegate porn to the lower regions of my priority list. I did not want to hurt or upset or offend the person that I loved. The habit was still there a for a while, but like quitting smoking, it got easier to go without -- the longer I went without. but I didn't start out a relationship and then put aside the porn right away. It wasn't until after I fell in love and yes I did do it for my spouse because my spouse does not like it. Do I miss it? No. Porn was not as important to me as my spouse. However, someone who says they will give it up and then does not could have a problem with it, or maybe they just don't have their own priorities in the same order as their gf/spouse. Maybe they don't love the gf/spouse enough to give up porn---YET! It doesn't mean it is hopeless. It takes a while for each partner to change themselves -- give up habits -- that their partner does not like and sometimes they never do and the partner has to adjust. Talk to him honestly about it and let him know how you feel -- but if you make demands then he may go on the defensive and at that point you have stopped honestly communicating. If you feel there is a change in your own sexual relationship -- address that separately. What has changed? How? When? What would you like to be different? Why? How do you think it can be accomplished? Ask him how he thinks it can be accomplished and what changes he has noticed or would like to see, and above all else LISTEN to each other and consider each others ideas and opinions and really try to understand the other persons feelings. ---------------- PS: I haven't had a cigarette since 12/31/03! Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 PS: I haven't had a cigarette since 12/31/03! Congrats, Errol! I know firsthand how hard this is. Hang tough... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused123 Posted February 4, 2004 Author Share Posted February 4, 2004 Thank you for your response Errol. It is very helpful. I understand the other response, but, I don't think life is always that cut and dry. So, I understand, that I need to sit down and discuss this with him. But, it is one of those issues in a relationship, that just gets old. You know, you just kinda beat it to death and it still doesn't go away. i am not a controlling women, I do not like to come across as needy. I tihnk it is very important in a relationship for people to still have a sense in indivduality. So, I feel fustrated, becase he says all the thing you said. The he decided to give it up, cause he doesn't want to hurt me and he finds it distracting in his day. So, I know he stopped looking at it for a few weeks. He was just more in tune with me. I mean granted. I am very demanding with him about sex. I could sleep with him everyday and be happy, but he does not share that view point. ok, I can accept that. But, I think part of my desire to have sex with him so much comes from me need to feel like if I keep him happy sexually he will not look at porn. So, when we don't have sex for a few days, I get very annoyed with him.. And I know that is not healthy.... So, do you have a suggestion of the best way to approach him. I mean he doesn't know I know he is still looking at it..... I don't want to fight about it, I want just want him to understand how it makes me feel and respect those feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 Do you equate "not willing to change self" with "no respect for my feelings"? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 I agree that lying to you about looking is disrespectful. If it's so important to him, he should look you in the eye, and say, "I know it hurts you, but it's something that I enjoy, and you are just going to have to live with it; I'm not willing to change." My husband seemed a LOT less interested in me when he looked at porn. He couldn't even get it up. I cried, I harped, I begged, and I told him that it was ok. I tried everything to get him to stop. What worked, was not trying to compete with porn. When I paraded around in slutty clothes and walked around naked, he kept turning to porn pretty much daily. Obviously those models are going to look better than me. I tried to stop beating myself up about it. I know I'm sexy, I know I'm hot, and I know I'm attractive, and I know men would pay top dollar to see me naked. My husband (and possibly your boyfriend towards you) takes me for granted because I'm so available to him. I started dressing more lady like. I stopped walking around naked. I quit lingerie. I just dumped it all; why bother? Now that I've stopped trying to be a bimbo slut for him, and started trying to be a wholesome wife, he's much more aroused around me. I don't try and jump his bones all the time, and I'm not all flirty sexy with him all the time any more. Now, he can seperate the two Also, I bought a dildo. My husband was so agrivating the way he'd never care whether we had sex or not. I wanted it all the time as do you, but he never wanted it! Thanks to porn. I decided if I can't get it from him when I want it, I'll get it somewhere else instead. My dildo is wonderful. Now, where I used to look forward to making love to him, I'd rather forgo the effort of foreplay and pleasing him, and reach for my dildo. I guess the "cant beat em, join em" method worked the best for me. I'm not going to compete with models. I want my husband even if he has put on 10 pounds, so I don't expect anything less from him. You shouldn't compete with models either; you shouldn't have to. So don't stress about a coupled of days without sex....it's not because he wants porn more. Also, do you find yourself to be a little selfish in bed? My husband didn't either. He was though. It was all about him. I had to do all the foreplay, get on top, move to please him (even if it hurt my legs, and if I complained, he'd get frusterated and want to quit) then if he didn't get his pleasure, I was expected to finish him. I got sick of that. Why do all the work, when I could get just as much satisfaction from masterbation? Maybe you loooooove sex because you are getting all the pleasure, while he's doing all the work; maybe he'd rather get his release from something that takes two minutes, than work at half an hour with you. I'm not saying that's the case with your boyfriend...it was just my case. Our sex life is wonderful now. If we both aren't in the mood, we don't bother. It's too much work if both don't want it. I have my dildo, and he has his porn. Oddly enough, though, he hasn't looked at porn for about a week and a half, and I haven't used my dildo for at least two weeks. We've had sex in there though. Don't expect him to quit. He most likely won't. I had/have the same respect issue with my husband. In one breath, he'll say, "I respect you enough to quit," but when I say, "Then how come before when I asked you to quit, you said you did, but I kept finding porn everywhere?" He gets red and laughs. that tells me that he wants me to believe he respects me enough to quit, but he's not really going to. So get over it, or dump him. better yet, find a solution you can live with, or dump him. If you can join him in his porncapades, then try that. If you don't own a dildo, buy one. If you are strutting around like a tramp, try dressing like a preist's wife (well....maybe not a preist's wife) Just give up on changing him, and find something else to try. That's the best advice I can give you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 agrivating frusterated hmmmmmm the spelling of those words looks awfully familiar to me..... but i just cant quite place my finger on it..... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 4, 2004 Share Posted February 4, 2004 If there's one thing that frusterates me, it's forum identity games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused123 Posted February 5, 2004 Author Share Posted February 5, 2004 THANK YOU MONDAY!!!! I can't tell you how much your response helped me. I saw that we are about the same age, in our twenties, you also seem to be a libra, so I know you must really under my pain here. It is just a ****ty feeling I understand what you are saying. I tried the walking around the house in sexy lingeria thing, it is doesn't always work.... I feel the same way you do, I look good, I know I look good, I don't need him to tell me that. I agree I think there is some taking for granted happening here. So, If I start taken care of myself some more and stop worring so muchg about what he is doing, then I think I would be alot happier. I mean outside of this issue. He is an awesome guy, and my best friend. We have a great thing going. I am not willing to give him up over porn. I mean why, so I can find another guy and have the same issue with him, but risk not finding this connection again. Anyways, I agree, I am going to purchase a dildo. I have never used one before, not because I am against them or anything, but I have never needed one. I have been thinking about getting one, and I think you are right. If you can't beat them, join them... no pun intended... So, THANK YOU MONDAY!!!! You really put things in a new perspective for me..... Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 Monday. Being a "wholesome housewife" sounds like some classic madonna/whore stuff going on there.I don't have the world's largest sex drive but when I do I can gert just as nasty as any porn star,if a man rejected me a lot because of that I think I'd rethink the whole deal. Link to post Share on other sites
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