Whats wrong here? Torn between two women....

[monkeymaid]

dude, im gonna be very blunt, you are an ignorant, self absorbed ass.

 

you are talking about being open minded, yet will not entertain the idea that you do not love both of them, and you are only full of yourself. ...you sound like someone who can convince themselves of anything as long as it suits there own need.

 

love does not provide pain. you are in a predicament where if you leave the ex, she will hurt, if you stay, and omit that you wanted the other girl, then you are sneaky, and disrespectful.

 

you are disrespecting them both right now just by trying to decide between them.

 

they are people not cars.

 

caring about their well being and loving are 2 different things!!

if you felt deep down in your heart that you loved them, you would let them both go and find the center in yourself.

 

if not, then you are just that self centered.

 

ffs man, let them btoh go and find a therapist like the other poster said.

[Ilovecake]

Maybe so Mimolicious, but who doesn't see people they are involved with as "property", as in they belong to you? Isnt' that how love works?.....

 

Yes! I do have territorial issues! In this case It's because I care about them both! A man can have two children and love them both equally, so why is such a far stretch for every one to believe a man could love two woman also?

 

Matters not, because I know what I have to do now...thanks again for opening my eyes to what I should have known all along norajane!

 

 

 

Wow you are so full of yourself it's stunning! You don't know the first thing about how relationships work. Property? Are you kidding me? These PEOPLE are free to do as they please and free to feel what they want to feel. They are completely separate beings from you, whether you are in a relationship with them or not. You have some weird notion that their lives revolve around your needs and expectations, that you are the center of their universe. Most adults create the best lives possible for themselves and then if they’re lucky they meet someone who they can share that life with. From what I read you do not go into it like most people though. You don't look for someone you can give your love to you look for people to take love from because you can't see anything beyond your enormous ego. I feel sad for you.

[Ilovecake]

but in reality, it's nearly impossible to change your feelings. If you feel depressed over something, little can change that. If you lust after someone, little can change that. If you fall head over heels for someone, little can change that.

 

This is not true. You have a 100% control over what you feel and how you react to things. Every feeling you have you drive with the thought you chose to have. Stop acting like a victim of your circumstances and take control of your life. Dozens of times a year I wake up in a crappy mood and have to make a conscious effort to change that mood. It's not only possible is essential.

Your though process is exactly why people get stuck pinning for their exes, because they just sit there waiting for things to happen to them. They play the victim of circumstances they created and are unwilling to take credit for. If **** hits the fan all of a sudden it's not their fault. BS!

[ahashakeheartbreak]

Let's look at one very important factor you seem to be missing: You keep saying that you love them both, however, you didn't want one girl until she got a new guy after you got back with your ex. Um, hello. If you love someone, you always want them. This shouldn't even need explained. You love neither of them, and you should leave them be. You just want (mainly, it's your ego doing this), what you cannot have.

 

Because, buddy, not everything is about you. They are not dolls, they are women.

[ahashakeheartbreak]

you sound like someone who can convince themselves of anything as long as it suits there own need.

And I agree 100% with this.

[Phateless]

Good thread, I know what it's like to have feelings for two people at once. It's confusing and it sucks.

[norajane]

Maybe so Mimolicious, but who doesn't see people they are involved with as "property", as in they belong to you? Isnt' that how love works?.....

 

Yes! I do have territorial issues! In this case It's because I care about them both! A man can have two children and love them both equally, so why is such a far stretch for every one to believe a man could love two woman also?

 

Matters not, because I know what I have to do now...thanks again for opening my eyes to what I should have known all along norajane!

 

I feel so dirty now.

[Mimolicious]

Maybe so Mimolicious, but who doesn't see people they are involved with as "property", as in they belong to you? Isnt' that how love works?.....

 

Yes! I do have territorial issues! In this case It's because I care about them both! A man can have two children and love them both equally, so why is such a far stretch for every one to believe a man could love two woman also?

 

Matters not, because I know what I have to do now...thanks again for opening my eyes to what I should have known all along norajane!

 

Unreal. Who doesn't see people they are involved with as property? I'd tell you who... ADULTS who take life and relationships a bit more serious than you seem to. Nobody belongs to anyone. Not even your children, they come from you but not FOR you. So NO, that's not how "love" works. Actually when you "love" someone you want them happy and set them free to find such thing. Not go arounding F'ing their relationships, picking and dropping like they are fashionable ornaments of the latest trend. You are selfish and immature. Sorry.

 

You are comparing chicks you want to "DATE" to PARENTING?????????? Riculous. No, it's not like having two kids and loving them the same. Get real...

[CailinPig]

ilovecake - hey!! what the hell?? That's a very unfair comment to make. I've not sat in actively pining for my ex, I'll go out with my friends, go on great walks, go to the cinema and do things but my heart still aches as I'm doing these things, as much as I enjoy them - are you trying to say I'm in control of that and could get rid of that feeling if I wanted???? Not true, and I'm so mad that you say that, cos you're disregarding the strength and power of feelings. If people could just change the way they feel with the click of a finger, then there'd be no hurt people wnadering around here at loveshack. disgraceful attitude.

[theAman]

MonkeyMaid, I am not ignorant, nor an ass. yes I am self absorbed though when it comes to my happiness as we all are! And yes, I know these two woman are not cars, other wise I would have three of them instead of two and not give it much thought. I want to do the right thing for them as well as myself, because I do respect them. Open your eyes. Thats why I'm here. I could have them both at once if I wanted and they would both accept it to be with me, but I'm not going to do that to either of them. Ya, your going to say thats arrogant, but its not if it's the truth. Would you perfer I lie to make every one else here feel rightious?

 

Mimolicious/Ilovecake: Sorry, but reciprocated love means belonging to some one. Have you ever been involved with some one? If so, I am going to guess you wouldn't want who ever you were with dating some one else as you felt he belonged to you at the time. Deny it if you like....you can lie to your neighbor, you can lie to your mom, you can lie to the police....but you can't lie to me! With all due respect: Reality has knocked....answer the door!

 

ahashakeheartbreak: I understand what you are saying and can appreciate it. However, like I said I was trying to shorten up very long and complicated story. Yes, the trigger for me was her dating someone else, but I have been feeling like this since we split. I was suffering from the burden of inaction.

 

I keep hearing how I don't have an open mind, but it would seem that no one is willing to keep and open mind towards how I feel about it. I find this odd, because I am the resident expert on my own feelings. Logic would dictate one would figure. Hmmm! I wasn't asking to be judged, I was just looking for some advice.

 

I noticed the few guys who chimed in were a little more respectful and understanding.

 

The women, however (and I don't mean all of you) have acted like a bunch of self righteous femmin-nazi's ready to go man hunting. I don't know what man has done what to some of you in your lives, but I feel sorry for you and hope you can let what ever drived the bitterness go.I don't sat this with any malice, so please don't take it that way, as two wrongs don't make a right and I'm not vengeful ......but really? It's no wonder Men don't like to talk to women about this kind of stuff.

 

Ohhh! CailinPig!, Seeing my life's so complicated, what's one more? You are non judgmental and have been helpful. Call me!!! ;-)

 

Any one have any thing to add? I am almost looking forward to the next talking down to I am sure is coming.

[theAman]

MonkeyMaid, I am not ignorant, nor an ass. yes I am self absorbed though when it comes to my happiness as we all are! And yes, I know these two woman are not cars, other wise I would have three of them instead of two and not give it much thought. I want to do the right thing for them as well as myself, because I do respect them. Open your eyes. Thats why I'm here. I could have them both at once if I wanted and they would both accept it to be with me, but I'm not going to do that to either of them. Ya, your going to say thats arrogant, but its not if it's the truth. Would you perfer I lie to make every one else here feel rightious?

 

Mimolicious/Ilovecake: Sorry, but reciprocated love means belonging to some one. Have you ever been involved with some one? If so, I am going to guess you wouldn't want who ever you were with dating some one else as you felt he belonged to you at the time. Deny it if you like....you can lie to your neighbor, you can lie to your mom, you can lie to the police....but you can't lie to me! With all due respect: Reality has knocked....answer the door!

 

ahashakeheartbreak: I understand what you are saying and can appreciate it. However, like I said I was trying to shorten up very long and complicated story. Yes, the trigger for me was her dating someone else, but I have been feeling like this since we split. I was suffering from the burden of inaction.

 

I keep hearing how I don't have an open mind, but it would seem that no one is willing to keep and open mind towards how I feel about it. I find this odd, because I am the resident expert on my own feelings. Logic would dictate one would figure. Hmmm! I wasn't asking to be judged, I was just looking for some advice.

 

I noticed the few guys who chimed in were a little more respectful and understanding.

 

The women, however (and I don't mean all of you) have acted like a bunch of self righteous femmin-nazi's ready to go man hunting. I don't know what man has done what to some of you in your lives, but I feel sorry for you and hope you can let what ever drives the bitterness go.I don't say this with any malice, so please don't take it that way, as two wrongs don't make a right and I'm not vengeful ......but really? It's no wonder Men don't like to talk to women about this kind of stuff.

 

Ohhh! CailinPig!, Seeing my life's so complicated, what's one more? You are non judgmental and have been helpful. Call me!!! ;-)

 

Any one have any thing to add? I am almost looking forward to the next talking down to I am sure is coming.

[sally4sara]

why is it when some of the men on here don't hear exactly what they were hoping for, they jump straight to the "you hate men" defense?

 

You issue doesn't have anything to do with gender!

 

And you did not answer as to whether or not you were screwing both of these PEOPLE at the same time.....

[theAman]

Hey Sally, like I said, I don't mean all of you.....I'm not defensive, just stating the facts.

And I apologize, I missed that question.... I wasn't screwing both these girls at the same time. Thats not my thing.

[Mimolicious]

Mimolicious/Ilovecake: Sorry, but reciprocated love means belonging to some one. Have you ever been involved with some one? If so, I am going to guess you wouldn't want who ever you were with dating some one else as you felt he belonged to you at the time. Deny it if you like....you can lie to your neighbor, you can lie to your mom, you can lie to the police....but you can't lie to me! With all due respect: Reality has knocked....answer the door!

 

Not speaking for ILC. Me- yes actually I have, been MARRIED, WITH CHILDREN and DIVORCED him when he actually wanted to be with his OW. NOBODY belongs to ANYBODY. So what is this 'REALITY' that you are prophesying about?

 

Now if by "reciprocated love" you mean your "heart belongs to" a person... then you are loaded with contradiction. After all, you are the one caught in between 2 chicks. How exactly is this so called "love" being reciprocated though? You wait to see your ex's with other BF's to feel the love?

 

 

How old are you, 16? Your mentality on "relationships" and your definition of "love" as egotistical ownership reflect immaturity on your part.

 

It's no wonder Men don't like to talk to women about this kind of stuff.

 

Cut the nonsense and name calling. What kind of stuff? You are acting like a kid in a sandbox who leaves his Blue bucket behind for the green and the minute he sees another kid with it, wants it back to actually sit on top of it.

 

These chicks don't belong to you. Even if you were to marry them. Why don't you ask them if they think they are of your property. Let's see if they agree. (This is assuming that they are ADULTS). You can charm High Schoolers by telling them you own them not grown a$$ women, honey!

[theAman]

Mimo, you have just exposed yourself and confirmed every thing I have said. you are bitter! just because you and your husband split doesnt mean you dint belong to each other at one time. you did but no longer do. because you are bitter about it dont throw the rest of us into that sterotype.Please don punnish me for his indescretions We are all not im, nor like him......

 

I'm 39 and both thesegirls are well into thier 20's. and when i was with both of them, yes, i told them they belonged to me and they loved it. Who wouldnt want to hear that from some one they were involved with??

 

You criticise what you say is "nonsense" and "namecalling"???? isn't that what you have done to me? On top of that you have added your hoiler than thou judgment. Im not here for judement. trust me, i have enough of that for myself. I came for advice. so keep you bitter man bashing to yourself.However, as i am a fair man, if you have somthing constructive and objuetive to say, i am that awesomly forgiving i would give it a fair listen.

 

If any one else has been following this, I tried to tell girl # 2 today we were done and couldnt gt back together in the nicest way possible.....she refuses to let it go....how do i convince her with out hurting her any more than she is????

[sally4sara]

If any one else has been following this, I tried to tell girl # 2 today we were done and couldnt gt back together in the nicest way possible.....she refuses to let it go....how do i convince her with out hurting her any more than she is????

 

And you just exposed yourself. If, as you say in your OP, you only felt this way after girl #2 began to move on, she should already KNOW you two are done and not getting back together. Kinda why she began dating again right? She has known, by your own words that things are over for two months now. Why are you trying to twist the knife and confuse her by talking to her? If you got back with your ex, why do you even know that girl #2 is dating or anything at all?

 

You're being callous and without provocation. And I say that as someone who is happily committed and content so don't even dream of pulling the "you're just bitter" routine with me.

[GrayClouds]

Not true, and I'm so mad that you say that, cos you're disregarding the strength and power of feelings. If people could just change the way they feel with the click of a finger, then there'd be no hurt people wnadering around here at loveshack. disgraceful attitude.

 

People can not just control their feeling, but they can choose how they control behavior in regards to their feelings. Often it means not giving into them and doing the noble thing.

 

This makes us responsible for our behavior, which may be what is making you angry about Ilovecake's post, because it no longer allow abdication personal responsibility of behavior because of feelings but place it all on a individual's choices.

 

And in the OP's situation, that exactly what he wants, to claim he is only a victim of his feelings and he can not be accountable for his behavior as a result.

.

Edited July 8, 2010 by GrayClouds

[theAman]

i feel after talking to greyclouds/sally and mimo, i have lost 20 iq points and am stupider for having conversed with them. all they want to do is launch a feminist man hating campaign when i am looking for help, and twist my words into something they are not.they just don't hear me. i no longer can stoop to to that level, so lets move on......

 

does anyone sane here have some ADVISE?? i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?help!!!!

[Ilovecake]

ilovecake - hey!! what the hell?? That's a very unfair comment to make. I've not sat in actively pining for my ex, I'll go out with my friends, go on great walks, go to the cinema and do things but my heart still aches as I'm doing these things, as much as I enjoy them - are you trying to say I'm in control of that and could get rid of that feeling if I wanted???? Not true, and I'm so mad that you say that, cos you're disregarding the strength and power of feelings. If people could just change the way they feel with the click of a finger, then there'd be no hurt people wnadering around here at loveshack. disgraceful attitude.

 

I didn't mean to say you were pinning I meant people that post here that get stuck pinning because they don't believe they can control their feelings and their destiny. They just wait for things to happen to them. Also I didn't say you can change your feelings with a click of a finger, it takes some effort but it still come from withing you not from outside forces. I don't think that not acting like a victim is disgraceful but you know you have the right to your opinion and I have my own that I base on my experiences. My choice is to not wait around for things to happen, I take action and make those things happen. I'm done looking for happiness to be given to me by someone else, I CHOSE to make my own happiness. Since I started living this way I've never been happier. If you find that digreaceful I feel very sorry for you. I'm not going to ever give up the belief that I'm the only one in control of my destiny. Good for you that you're doing stuff with friends and keeping busy, I bet if you weren't you would be feeling way worse. I would say that's you controlling your destiny and your feelings. You know it's a scientifically proven fact that the thoughts you have can change your brain chemistry negative thought can drive you into a clinical depression just as positive thinking can improve your overall well being.

[Mimolicious]

Why don't you try to take responsibility and say the truth to both these girls. Have you done that?

 

It baffles me that you would actually use someone else's "misfortune" (not really) to justify that you have a serious issue. For someone your age to behave this way, it's quiet strange. Teens that don't know what they want in a person behave this way.

 

Have you ever though that if any of your girls would have never moved on to another BF, would you have felt this new found "love" for them?

 

Maybe your jealousy is so blinding that you can't even see it for what it is.

 

Does girl #1 know that you left her first to go be with girl #2 and now you want to go back to her because you gotta have your cake and eat it to?

 

I've exposed myself on what? I dont live with the sense of entitlement or compare my love affairs to the love of my children. Nor dwell on whatever happened with my exH.... That is life. Nobody was born together and most likely wont die together.

[GrayClouds]

i feel after talking to greyclouds/sally and mimo, i have lost 20 iq points and am stupider for having conversed with them. all they want to do is launch a feminist man hating campaign when i am looking for help, and twist my words into something they are not.they just don't hear me. i no longer can stoop to to that level, so lets move on......

 

That is a shame for you really can not afford the loss of those points for you seem to trying hard to prove the proverb; "Stupid people always think they are right. Wise people listen to advice." Just because you do not like the advice you recieve it does not make it wrong.

 

And now not only victim of your feelings your being persecuted by man hating feminist like me for that is a easier explanation then entertaining the possible that you may be mission something that others are seeing. But thank you for enlighting me to my perviously unbeknownst to me politics. Now I wonder if being a male feminist will help pick up the chicks...maybe I I'll get two and screw them both over because I love so deeply I can not be held reproducible.

 

I would suggest you listen to your conscience but it may be asking you to listen to a total stranger.

 

 

 

.

Edited July 8, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Ilovecake]

Mimolicious/Ilovecake: Sorry, but reciprocated love means belonging to some one. Have you ever been involved with some one? If so, I am going to guess you wouldn't want who ever you were with dating some one else as you felt he belonged to you at the time. Deny it if you like....you can lie to your neighbor, you can lie to your mom, you can lie to the police....but you can't lie to me! With all due respect: Reality has knocked....answer the door!

 

No I can't say I ever felt anyone belonged to me. I set boundaries and I definitely have certain expectations of the people I choose to spend my time with, but they are always free to walk away if they don't agree with my needs. However most of the someones I've been with made their own choice to be in a monogamous relationship with me. There were other someones who didn't and we parted ways. Sometimes that was my decision sometimes it was theirs, but I never tried to stop them. I hold the same standards of my friends as I do of my lovers or my family, be kind, don't lie, don't hurt me maliciously. None of that spells out ownership.

 

I can see how with your holier than thou god complex you would think I couldn't lie to you, but dude it sounds like somebody has been filling your head full of crap for a very long time.

[Ilovecake]

why is it when some of the men on here don't hear exactly what they were hoping for, they jump straight to the "you hate men" defense?

 

Because they're egotistical and ignorant.

[Ilovecake]

i feel after talking to greyclouds/sally and mimo, i have lost 20 iq points and am stupider for having conversed with them. all they want to do is launch a feminist man hating campaign when i am looking for help, and twist my words into something they are not.they just don't hear me. i no longer can stoop to to that level, so lets move on......

 

That's a shame because judging by your objectification, spelling and grammar you didn't have many to begin with.

[monkeymaid]

somebody close this thread