Whats wrong here? Torn between two women....

[theAman]

ilovecake: i appreciate what you are saying, but i am me. i feel how i feel and i am who i am. i am not you.judge not lest ye be judged the verse goes.... why do you want to attack me on such childish things such as spelling and grammar ? i think you don't feel you have any where else to go with your pain, i feel sorry for you and the hate you hold on to. I truly hope you can get past whatever it is that drives your hostility. i only wish the best for you. let it go and your life will improve. i promise!

 

greyclouds: the same goes for you. hostility with a capital H. open you mind and let the need for judgment not consume you. you are bigger and better than that i am sure!

 

i am just looking for help, yet all i have had is aggression. anyone have some advise?

[LoveTruthChaos]

i told them they belonged to me and they loved it. Who wouldnt want to hear that from some one they were involved with??

 

I belong to myself.

If I heard that from someone I was involved with, they wouldn't be involved with me anymore.

[sally4sara]

i feel after talking to greyclouds/sally and mimo, i have lost 20 iq points and am stupider for having conversed with them. all they want to do is launch a feminist man hating campaign when i am looking for help, and twist my words into something they are not.they just don't hear me. i no longer can stoop to to that level, so lets move on......

 

does anyone sane here have some ADVISE?? i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?help!!!!

 

I notice you don't bother responding to why you know the dating life of a girl you broke up with two months ago?

Yes it must be that I'm a hateful, raging feminist that I asked that!

If you dumped the new girl and got back with your ex - WHY ARE YOU STILL TOYING WITH THE NEW GIRL two months later and making sure to know if she is dating or not?

Did you get back with your ex or not? You say you did so what part of that required you to keep tabs on the other girl? If you really don't want to hurt anyone, you won't keep in contact with the other girl and make it take longer for her to move on. You're like a drama addicted teenager!

 

Your IQ dropped points and so did my opinion of your character. It has nothing to do with the gender of the people you will be hurting. If you had been a female and came on here with the same story about how much you "loved" two guys and all this mess - I'd have the same opinion of you.

[Ilovecake]

ilovecake: i appreciate what you are saying, but i am me. i feel how i feel and i am who i am. i am not you.judge not lest ye be judged the verse goes.... why do you want to attack me on such childish things such as spelling and grammar ? i think you don't feel you have any where else to go with your pain, i feel sorry for you and the hate you hold on to. I truly hope you can get past whatever it is that drives your hostility. i only wish the best for you. let it go and your life will improve. i promise!

 

greyclouds: the same goes for you. hostility with a capital H. open you mind and let the need for judgment not consume you. you are bigger and better than that i am sure!

 

i am just looking for help, yet all i have had is aggression. anyone have some advise?

 

Are you kidding me? Are you not even comprehending what you have been typing. You've been nothing but nasty and spiteful throughout this whole thread. Trying to demean everyone you don't agree with. You make assumptions about people’s lives and then you ask why they are doing the same to you. There are some extremely serious issues you need to work through. I wish you the best of luck, you're going to need it.

[theAman]

You ever get the feeling you just called the suicide hot line and got hung up on 10 times in a row? Shesh!

 

Holy crap guys! Just let the hate and bitterness go already! Like I said MORE THAN ONCE , I just want to move on here without the negativity, and would like to get back to the "advice" part. Yet, some of you just don't want to let it go. You just keep fueling the fire. It's like blood lust, or some sort of misplaced thirst for a victory were no war exists!

 

I would normally just bail on this pettiness. However, I have a feeling some one unknown as yet might introduce some wisdom pertaining to my dilemma as opposed to just jumping on me.

 

So go ahead. Judge me, slander me, take what I have said and twist it, word-smith it, what ever you want. Even though I am 100 percent right, I'm not going to argue............

Sure! I agree I'm all those things you say if it makes you happy. Ok? your all right and I am wrong! And I'll even say sorry.

 

See? I am willing to let it slide. There you go. It's no longer an issue. All the negative things that have been said about me are all true. Can you all do the right thing and just drop it now please? I am willing to let it go! I have asked this before. Do I really need to beg? I have turned the other cheek.

 

Your right. it's childish, and mean, so lets all be act like grown ups. And Yes, i mean myself as well. 2 wrongs don't make a right. I am guilty of rebutting the negativity that has been directed at me (which i dint start if you look back in the string), I admit that. I hope some of you also understand you are just as guilty and we can all stop the mud slinging..... Very big of me, and hopefully very big of all involved.

 

I'm still looking for advice. That's it. just advice. Not character attacks, not judgments.

 

Again, I'm going to post my problem below as I think it has gotten lost in this kneed deep alligator pond . If you don't have any constructive advice pertaining to it and how I should go about handling it, please don't chime in. If you do, great. Very Simple!

 

again.................i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?

 

Anyone fresh have any thing ???

[theAman]

....and I am going to assume you are all fluent in typo. Blackberry keys are hard strike sometimes

[theAman]

I notice you don't bother responding to why you know the dating life of a girl you broke up with two months ago?

Yes it must be that I'm a hateful, raging feminist that I asked that!

If you dumped the new girl and got back with your ex - WHY ARE YOU STILL TOYING WITH THE NEW GIRL two months later and making sure to know if she is dating or not?

Did you get back with your ex or not? You say you did so what part of that required you to keep tabs on the other girl? If you really don't want to hurt anyone, you won't keep in contact with the other girl and make it take longer for her to move on. You're like a drama addicted teenager!

 

Your IQ dropped points and so did my opinion of your character. It has nothing to do with the gender of the people you will be hurting. If you had been a female and came on here with the same story about how much you "loved" two guys and all this mess - I'd have the same opinion of you.

 

 

Sally, were past this part of my problem. I don't need any advice on the initial issue. here's where I am at now.........

 

i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?

[theAman]

Are you kidding me? Are you not even comprehending what you have been typing. You've been nothing but nasty and spiteful throughout this whole thread. Trying to demean everyone you don't agree with. You make assumptions about people’s lives and then you ask why they are doing the same to you. There are some extremely serious issues you need to work through. I wish you the best of luck, you're going to need it.

 

Cake, were past this part of my problem. I don't need any advice on the initial issue. here's where I am at now.........

 

i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?

[theAman]

That is a shame for you really can not afford the loss of those points for you seem to trying hard to prove the proverb; "Stupid people always think they are right. Wise people listen to advice." Just because you do not like the advice you recieve it does not make it wrong.

 

And now not only victim of your feelings your being persecuted by man hating feminist like me for that is a easier explanation then entertaining the possible that you may be mission something that others are seeing. But thank you for enlighting me to my perviously unbeknownst to me politics. Now I wonder if being a male feminist will help pick up the chicks...maybe I I'll get two and screw them both over because I love so deeply I can not be held reproducible.

 

I would suggest you listen to your conscience but it may be asking you to listen to a total stranger.

 

GreyClouds, were past this part of my problem. I don't need any advice on the initial issue. here's where I am at now.........

 

i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?

[theAman]

I notice you don't bother responding to why you know the dating life of a girl you broke up with two months ago?

Yes it must be that I'm a hateful, raging feminist that I asked that!

If you dumped the new girl and got back with your ex - WHY ARE YOU STILL TOYING WITH THE NEW GIRL two months later and making sure to know if she is dating or not?

Did you get back with your ex or not? You say you did so what part of that required you to keep tabs on the other girl? If you really don't want to hurt anyone, you won't keep in contact with the other girl and make it take longer for her to move on. You're like a drama addicted teenager!

 

Your IQ dropped points and so did my opinion of your character. It has nothing to do with the gender of the people you will be hurting. If you had been a female and came on here with the same story about how much you "loved" two guys and all this mess - I'd have the same opinion of you.

 

 

Sally,, were past this part of my problem. I don't need any advice on the initial issue. here's where I am at now.........

 

i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?

[CailinPig]

Greyclouds - ahhhh, ok, i get it now! yes you're absolutely correct. Feelings perhaps cannot be changed with the click of a finger, but we cannot justify our behaviours/actions based on those feelings. I see, I get ya.

 

ilovecake - Sorry, I was upset at what I thought you were saying, because I thought you were saying feelings can just be changed and for aMan to basically pick one and stop his feelings for the other. I understand you now. Yes, positive thoughts help I suppose. It's so difficult though - there's my negativity again!

 

theAman - ok, I understand your predicament, with feelings for 2 people. But at the end of the day, one or none must be chosen, and you must make your life with that one person or with no one at all. And I know that you might feel people are being negative and mean towards you, but some people have never been in this situation and they think your feelings aren't true and that you are essentially using these two women. I do understand your predicament, but I think you need to take some time away from the situation and be a man about it, and really choose one person or nobody. And maybe really try to understand why you feel like this too.

[sally4sara]

Sally, were past this part of my problem. I don't need any advice on the initial issue. here's where I am at now.........

 

i told girl # 2 i cannot get back together with her but she wont accept it. she says she wont give up on me. dam it, i love this girl and its killing me to hurt her and i don't want to see her suffer trying to get me back. how can i make her understand without crushing her by being mean to her? i just cant do that!! and it is killing me to not be with her, but i have to make the choice.she tells me this boyfriend of hers was just a ploy to make me jealous. how do i do that to someone i love so much and loves me?

 

You stop answering your phone when she calls. You stop responding to her period.

Continuing correspondence with her only prolongs her pain and hedges into cheating on your current GF (whom you share MUCH history with) territory.

 

It is not killing you. Once you're done being dramatic over it and dragging it out for the ego food, you will be able to get past the guilt and she will be able to move on.

[theAman]

You stop answering your phone when she calls. You stop responding to her period.

Continuing correspondence with her only prolongs her pain and hedges into cheating on your current GF (whom you share MUCH history with) territory.

 

It is not killing you. Once you're done being dramatic over it and dragging it out for the ego food, you will be able to get past the guilt and she will be able to move on.

 

 

Thanks for the 1st paragraph Sally.your right it's not killing me, but it sure does hurt to shut her out when she seems so broken up. She contacts me(and not by phone, she seeks me out because I don't answer the phone or respond to emails or texts), I don't contact her. I am trying my best, but its so hard do that to her face and watch her hurt.

 

And Hey! Only the last paragraph had a little larceny it it! Awesome! Im not trying to start anything, but you could have just went with the first part and omitted the last and it would have been perfect! Were growing together!

[Minnie09]

Sally, you're implying that he has made a decision. I doubt that. He hasn't.

First of all he has to look deep down inside of himself, in order to find out why he feels the way he feels. He's probably a "greener pastures are everywhere out there and I'm missing something" - type, combined with "I want control, NOW, even after we're done".

He will never be able to be stable in an R, if his own issues remain unresolved. I also think that he has found the perfect co-players for his limbo-game.

Attention-seeker meets control-freak and they will never let go of each other. Only a certain type of woman will play along. And it seems he's found two of them. Perfect.

[theAman]

Greyclouds - ahhhh, ok, i get it now! yes you're absolutely correct. Feelings perhaps cannot be changed with the click of a finger, but we cannot justify our behaviours/actions based on those feelings. I see, I get ya.

 

ilovecake - Sorry, I was upset at what I thought you were saying, because I thought you were saying feelings can just be changed and for aMan to basically pick one and stop his feelings for the other. I understand you now. Yes, positive thoughts help I suppose. It's so difficult though - there's my negativity again!

 

theAman - ok, I understand your predicament, with feelings for 2 people. But at the end of the day, one or none must be chosen, and you must make your life with that one person or with no one at all. And I know that you might feel people are being negative and mean towards you, but some people have never been in this situation and they think your feelings aren't true and that you are essentially using these two women. I do understand your predicament, but I think you need to take some time away from the situation and be a man about it, and really choose one person or nobody. And maybe really try to understand why you feel like this too.

 

 

Thanks CallinPig, you understand me ! I know it may be hard for some to understand how I am feeling but you seem to really get it. I know some people think they know how they would react; whats right and whats wrong, but No one really knows until something like this happens to them.

 

My grandfather used to say "After misfortune the Irishman sees his profit". On that, I am hoping I can close this all off so I can breath again!

[theAman]

Hello Minnie? Are you awake? Come listen to what I think you missed during your nap.

 

I have already made my decision and told the other girl we were not an option any longer. Problem is solved other than the fact she refuses to let it go. I don't want to keep dragging it out. I want it done with as this was a very difficult thing to do to her and it hurt me so bad to see her reaction. The more I tell her that's how it is the more she hurts and that is hurting me. Thats the issue now. Why cant this be easy??

 

And.......yes, I hear your negative comments but I won't acknowledge them. they are uneducated opinions, so doesn't bother me at all. I am ok with it because I know you don't understand, so no hard feelings at all!

[Minnie09]

 

And.......yes, I hear your negative comments but I won't acknowledge them. they are uneducated opinions, so doesn't bother me at all. I am ok with it because I know you don't understand, so no hard feelings at all!

 

I just want to understand why you are where you are. My comments are not negative, so don't feel attacked. No offense. I wonder why you get so aggressive and defensive, though.

 

Anyways, your decision has been made. Good for you. She'll get over it, too, whether you like that or not. Keep us posted and keep your cool.

I wish you all the best.

[theAman]

i just want to understand why you are where you are. My comments are not negative, so don't feel attacked. No offense. I wonder why you get so aggressive and defensive, though.

 

Anyways, your decision has been made. Good for you. She'll get over it, too, whether you like that or not. Keep us posted and keep your cool.

I wish you all the best.

 

 

 

thanks !!!!!!!!

[sally4sara]

And Hey! Only the last paragraph had a little larceny it it! Awesome! Im not trying to start anything, but you could have just went with the first part and omitted the last and it would have been perfect! Were growing together!

 

Larceny? This word; it does not mean what you think it means.

 

But for you to move on, you need to start being honest with yourself. You said yourself, you didn't have issue till she began dating again. If that doesn't indicate that this has at least something to do with your ego, I don't know what does. And saying it is killing you is being over dramatic seeing as it isn't actually killing you.

 

If you don't like the way your actions sound when someone puts it to words - maybe your actions need to change?

The next time you are "forced" to speak with this girl simply tell her she is further forcing you to get a restraining order.

And hey, does your current GF know you are still speaking to this girl? Since you "have to", you might as well be up front about it. If you haven't let her in on all this - and for as long as you continue to keep it undercover - you ARE cheating.

Why? Because if this were happening to the woman you are with and some ex kept hunting her down and trying to mess up the relationship she had with YOU, what would you expect her to do about it? Are you doing that?

[theAman]

Larceny? This word; it does not mean what you think it means.

 

But for you to move on, you need to start being honest with yourself. You said yourself, you didn't have issue till she began dating again. If that doesn't indicate that this has at least something to do with your ego, I don't know what does. And saying it is killing you is being over dramatic seeing as it isn't actually killing you.

 

If you don't like the way your actions sound when someone puts it to words - maybe your actions need to change?

The next time you are "forced" to speak with this girl simply tell her she is further forcing you to get a restraining order.

And hey, does your current GF know you are still speaking to this girl? Since you "have to", you might as well be up front about it. If you haven't let her in on all this - and for as long as you continue to keep it undercover - you ARE cheating.

Why? Because if this were happening to the woman you are with and some ex kept hunting her down and trying to mess up the relationship she had with YOU, what would you expect her to do about it? Are you doing that?

 

 

Sally, you are quoting me on "You said yourself, you didn't have issue till she began dating again". ......

 

If you had read the ENTIRE string, I also made mention that I had felt like this towards her since we split. That i was suffering from the "burden of my inaction" all along and was wondering what to do about it. Did you see not see that???

 

Like i said originally when i started this thread, I was trying to take a long story and shorten it up.

 

the fact that she started dating some one triggered me to get off my duff and finally try to make a decision, as I thought this would be the best time to let her go completely, as she has always been in the background. I stayed friends with her so we spoke often, not to mention the fact she works for my company. She's not in my building. I'm the V.P. and she works for me as an accountant in another one of our offices, so I don't see her but she sure knows where to find me. So the restraining order thing is not going to happen. I'm not going to cost this poor girl her job on top of it all

 

Like I said "im trying to make a long and complicated story short".I dindt think this info was key. All i wanted was some advise on how to handle things, not be analyzed as to why I do any thing, as quite frankly, no one else is me and can never understand unless they were in the same scenario. Kinda like what CallinPig said.......That girl is on the money.

 

 

To enlighten you on your statements/question.....Yes, my g/f knows i talk to her. I have nothing to hide as far as that's concerned.

 

I reference "killing me" more like an slang adjective rather than the dictionary definition. No drama is implied. I don't know where you are from, but in Canada, we use the term to describe any kind of discomfort mild to intense. I can't believe you don't know that, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt, as I ask other for it as well.

 

I believe the way we use "larceny" may be regional as well. It means by definition " the wrongful acquisition of the personal property of another person". We use it here as a kind of slang to describe some one doing personal harm to another.

 

Anyway, this is not ego driven. Nope. not at all. not a chance. not even close. In no way. I can't make it any clearer than that! Please don't continue to blame it on ego, as I am so clear on how i feel. You are guessing, but I know how it is because I am me. It was ok to ask me if I thought it was my ego. Thats cool and a fair question as well. But when I said it wasn't, you should respect that and adjust your advise accordingly.

 

I have listened to why you might think It's my ego. I am open to the sky being blue, but if i see it is clearly gray, then I must say it gray! I wish it was my ego. Really! that i can comprehend. But its simply just not! LISTEN TO ME!

 

The issue was/is I love both these woman! . It's just that simple. It's Nothing else. NADA! ZERO. Zilch!... I understand I cant keep them both. I made a decision. Thats done.

 

I also understand that you may not understand not ever have been in this situation. Guess what? until this happened to me I never thought it was possible to love two woman. Turns out I WAS WRONG! I would have never entertain the possibility either before this. Believe this is possible, because I'm telling you it is. I'm living it! This is why i dont appreciate "the way your actions sound when someone puts it to words". It's because these are NOT MY ACTIONS!

[sally4sara]

the fact that she started dating some one triggered me to get off my duff and finally try to make a decision, as I thought this would be the best time to let her go completely, as she has always been in the background. I stayed friends with her so we spoke often, not to mention the fact she works for my company. She's not in my building. I'm the V.P. and she works for me as an accountant in another one of our offices, so I don't see her but she sure knows where to find me. So the restraining order thing is not going to happen. I'm not going to cost this poor girl her job on top of it all

 

This is the other reasoning for why you come off like this is about your ego; you assume too much responsibility over the actions of others. If you tell this woman to move on and leave you alone and if you tell her you will seek a restraining order if she does not, in no way would YOU cost this woman her job or clean record. SHE would be responsible for it if she chose to ignore your warning. I think you like the drama too much for that.....

 

I ask you again, if this were your GF dealing with a guy she saw only short term who was intent on getting her to leave you - how would YOU want her to handle it? Are you doing that? Would you be comfortable with her handling this issue the way you've been handling it.

 

The issue was/is I love both these woman! . It's just that simple. It's Nothing else. NADA! ZERO. Zilch!... I understand I cant keep them both. I made a decision. Thats done.

 

Hey man, you don't need me or anyone else on here to know this or believe you. Invite them both to dinner and tell them the above. Tell them you love them both. You want us to understand? Ask yourself if these two women would understand it? Find out if they would be able to understand it. Would you be so understanding if you were one of two?

[theAman]

No doubt I am assuming more responsibility than I should. I agree completely.

 

This has nothing to do with loving the drama. That would be fair to ask me as a question Sally, but is unfair and disrespectful to make it a statement as you have. Again, i will forgive you.

 

I want it to be done. When i told her thats what I thought i was doing. Closing it! Its too much stress. Usually I handle my own problems, but i need to vent here, as i really have no one i would be comfortable talking to.

 

Fact is Its hard to make some one you love suffer. I know I am doing that to her. I would like to find an eiser way to reason with her than do somthing so extreme., to lessen the pain. This has nothing to do with loving the drama. This is about letting some one down I care about as easy as possible. It's about being human.

 

And hell no! I wouldn't like this if the situation was reversed, if I was in either of these girls shoes! But I could envision it. Thats why im trying to handle this delicately with the least amount of hurt possible.

 

But, thats not really a just question in the first place. You are acting like I premeditated this whole mess. I didn't. it just happened. Regardless of the reason why it happened, it doesn't matter. Let it go. I can't change the past, but I can choose what i do in the future. Why do you keep trying to belittle my intentions? I thought we were past that??

 

Seriously, you are regressing. I thought you were starting to get it. What happened? Really??

[sally4sara]

I thought you were starting to get it. What happened? Really??

 

Oh I get it. And my opinion of it has not changed from my first post in this thread. My tone changed when you jumped on the "you're just bitter and man hating" response to people in this thread.

In my own experiences. People who jump to gender to invalidate people's input rarely are able to lend much credibility to the gender they seek to invalidate.

 

Which might be why you find it acceptable enough to be in the position to string these two people on like you're doing. I doubt you consciously intended to do it, but your actions were choices you made of free will and not ones you had to make.

 

The best, least painful way to remove a bandage is to rip it off.

The best, least painful way to dump someone is to ensure they HAVE to get on without you.

[GrayClouds]

Greyclouds - ahhhh, ok, i get it now! yes you're absolutely correct. Feelings perhaps cannot be changed with the click of a finger, but we cannot justify our behaviours/actions based on those feelings. I see, I get ya.

 

.

CailinPig cool. (it is refreshing in the thread to see someone challenge their own thinking and work to see anther's point and to do so without defensiveness, you have shown class)

 

I think the a good deal of the issues OP has, is he came here looking just at the tree and then become angry when others starting point out the forest, he was wanting looking for tactics and he got strategy.

 

Asking him to look at the bigger picture would be to challenging and frighting to face at this time. My mistake I thought you may be ready.

[stillafool]

theAman, there is no way to get out of your situation without hurting one of them. You already made your choice when you left girl #2 to go back with girl #1 (your ex). At that point you should have been truthful to girl #2 and told her you were still in love with your ex and felt you couldn't be without her. At that point you should move on and never contact her again regardless of what you feel for her. If you really loved her you would let her go. You have already acknowledged that you had to have your ex back. You are a full grown man and you know what you have to do - let girl #2 go. Basically what I am saying is there is no choice to make. You already made it just do the right thing and let girl #2 go. BTW, why were you still hooking up with your ex when you were involved in a relationship with girl #2?