Sometimes there is no choice but to tell the BS?

[TOWinNYC]

I didn't want to threadjack PlanetJanet (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231785/) so I'm opening a new thread.

 

What if you have done what you could trying to get rid of the MP (married person), trying to get them out of your life - for example, changing your phone #, switching jobs, moving - and they keep finding you and you end up getting sucked back into the A......

 

Isn't your only other option "recruiting" the BS into "keeping a shorter leash" on their spouse and/or causing enough drama in THEIR life so the MP won't bother you anymore?

 

In this case scenerio, unlike people responding to PlanetJanet saying she'd doing it "out of revenge" - isn't this more like "trying to preserve your own sanity"?

 

FYI - restraining orders can only be obtained when a crime has been committed.

[califnan]

I didn't want to threadjack PlanetJanet (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231785/) so I'm opening a new thread.

 

What if you have done what you could trying to get rid of the MP (married person), trying to get them out of your life - for example, changing your phone #, switching jobs, moving - and they keep finding you and you end up getting sucked back into the A......

 

Isn't your only other option "recruiting" the BS into "keeping a shorter leash" on their spouse and/or causing enough drama in THEIR life so the MP won't bother you anymore?

 

In this case scenerio, unlike people responding to PlanetJanet saying she'd doing it "out of revenge" - isn't this more like "trying to preserve your own sanity"?

 

FYI - restraining orders can only be obtained when a crime has been committed.

 

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If you are being harrassed or bothered against your will - you could threaten the MP that you would take it further ? This may be more beneficial than going to the spouse anyway .. because the spouse may wish to believe your MP's version.

[lolapalooza]

Getting sucked back into the A is YOUR fault. No one put a gun to your head to resume the affair.

So the rest of your arguement makes no sense.

[TOWinNYC]

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If you are being harrassed or bothered against your will - you could threaten the MP that you would take it further ? This may be more beneficial than going to the spouse anyway .. because the spouse may wish to believe your MP's version.

 

Threats only work when you follow thru with the action. Which basically leads back to telling the BS. Having "threatened" (for lack of having a better word) and having been threatened back (and at that point not following thru with the "action") - can you suggest an alternative option?

 

I'm trying to extricate myself with the least amount of repercussions.

[TOWinNYC]

Getting sucked back into the A is YOUR fault. No one put a gun to your head to resume the affair.

So the rest of your arguement makes no sense.

 

Obviously you have never been in my shoes so please don't make judgements. Or have you? Are you someone who has been involved in an A and the other person won't let you go?

[lolapalooza]

Obviously you have never been in my shoes so please don't make judgements. Or have you? Are you someone who has been involved in an A and the other person won't let you go?

So if the guy was single but kept pursuing you, what would you do? Would you keep getting sucked back in? If he was physically abusive to you, but wouldn't let go, what would you do? Would you continue to get sucked back in?

You have control over your own actions. If you are having sex with this man, you are doing it because you choose to. Otherwise, it's rape, and grounds for police involvement.

 

Do I think a BS needs to know what a lying, cheating, jackhole she's married to? Sure. But don't try to convince us that you just couldn't help your involvement.

[TOWinNYC]

So if the guy was single but kept pursuing you, what would you do? Would you keep getting sucked back in? If he was physically abusive to you, but wouldn't let go, what would you do? Would you continue to get sucked back in?

You have control over your own actions. If you are having sex with this man, you are doing it because you choose to. Otherwise, it's rape, and grounds for police involvement.

 

Do I think a BS needs to know what a lying, cheating, jackhole she's married to? Sure. But don't try to convince us that you just couldn't help your involvement.

 

All right, obviously y'all aren't interesting in answering MY question - which is, don't you think there ARE situations where the AP has no choice but to tell the BS?

 

As a last resort kind of thing? Since it would kill two birds with one stone? (ie. make the BS aware of the situation AND create enough drama in their life to keep the WS out of yours?)

[lolapalooza]

In cases of STD or pregnancy, the AP has no choice but to make sure those things are disclosed to the BS.

 

Disclosing to make your life easier? That's a cop out.

[TOWinNYC]

In cases of STD or pregnancy, the AP has no choice but to make sure those things are disclosed to the BS.

 

Disclosing to make your life easier? That's a cop out.

 

Really. A cop out.

 

Like I've said before, you haven't walked in my shoes. So if "disclosing" the A makes my life easier AND keeps MP away - who cares?

[califnan]

Threats only work when you follow thru with the action. Which basically leads back to telling the BS. Having "threatened" (for lack of having a better word) and having been threatened back (and at that point not following thru with the "action") - can you suggest an alternative option?

 

I'm trying to extricate myself with the least amount of repercussions.

 

------------------

 

That's true, threats must have an intent of follow-through.

 

It's just that in this situation, a threat for his unknown destiny with his spouse could be more beneficial than the actual telling - should she choose to believe his side.. (A man who cheats, can also be a good liar.)

 

As one of the other posters pointed out - What if the individual who is harrassing you - didn't have a spouse for you to go to?

 

I just believe that in most cases, involving the BW should be the last resort..

 

So yes, threaten him - and follow through if he continues.. But it may be better for you to take care of it your own..

[bentnotbroken]

All right, obviously y'all aren't interesting in answering MY question - which is, don't you think there ARE situations where the AP has no choice but to tell the BS?

 

As a last resort kind of thing? Since it would kill two birds with one stone? (ie. make the BS aware of the situation AND create enough drama in their life to keep the WS out of yours?)

 

 

I am one of the people who doesn't care who tells the BS as long as they find out. For the most part I don't even care about the reason for telling, as long as they know all the facts(truth). For as I am concerned as long as the the TRUTH is what the BS gets and not some made up bull.

[Samantha0905]

I didn't want to threadjack PlanetJanet (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231785/) so I'm opening a new thread.

 

What if you have done what you could trying to get rid of the MP (married person), trying to get them out of your life - for example, changing your phone #, switching jobs, moving - and they keep finding you and you end up getting sucked back into the A......

 

Isn't your only other option "recruiting" the BS into "keeping a shorter leash" on their spouse and/or causing enough drama in THEIR life so the MP won't bother you anymore?

 

In this case scenerio, unlike people responding to PlanetJanet saying she'd doing it "out of revenge" - isn't this more like "trying to preserve your own sanity"?

 

FYI - restraining orders can only be obtained when a crime has been committed.

 

You're not helpless. Take control of yourself and your own life. No contact is often encouraged in affair situations. In yours, it would be a good thing. No contact period. With your AP or your AP's family.

 

Some things are better left unsaid and some things are not for you to say.

[turnstone]

Ok, give us an example of what's made it so difficult to extricate yourself from this affair. Maybe if you do that we'll understand better your predicament and so be able to answer you in a way that you'd prefer.

[jennie-jennie]

So if the guy was single but kept pursuing you, what would you do? Would you keep getting sucked back in?

 

If a single guy kept pursuing me and I wouldn't want to continue the relationship, then I would most likely be over him and not have any trouble ending it. The difference to an extramarital relationship is that in an EMR you are usually trying to end the relationship although both parties are still very much in love. This can be extremely difficult to do.

If he was physically abusive to you, but wouldn't let go, what would you do? Would you continue to get sucked back in?

As we all know, this is a common scenario for women in abusive relationships.

You have control over your own actions. If you are having sex with this man, you are doing it because you choose to. Otherwise, it's rape, and grounds for police involvement.

Of course it is not rape, but the pull back into a relationship with someone you still love is extremely strong. TOW, I know the feeling of desperately trying to find an answer to a situation where there seem to be no answers.

Do I think a BS needs to know what a lying, cheating, jackhole she's married to? Sure. But don't try to convince us that you just couldn't help your involvement.

I understand where you are coming from, TOW. I don't think it is in my or my MM's power to end our relationship without a Dday. The power of our love is too strong. Sometimes I long for a Dday just for something to happen, for the process to move along, for us to find out where our relationship stands (or ends) in broad day light.

 

If you really want the relationship to end and you can see no other way out of it, I can see telling the BS as an option. Have you talked to your MM about it? Perhaps he wants to be the one to tell the BS rather than have you tell her?

 

May I suggest that next time you post a thread like this to do it on the OW/OM forum. Even if many of the posters are the same on both forums, you are likely to find more posters there who have actually been in your shoes.

 

Very interesting question. It is like telling the spouse is so taboo, but I do think there can be situations where it is appropriate. Just be sure you really DO want the relationship to end, so you don't just push it deeper underground by telling the BS.

[Samantha0905]

If the love is that strong, wouldn't the two people end up together anyway? I mean without it becoming a situation where the OW/OM has to go tell the BS? Why wouldn't the WS tell the BS? It seems they are the people in the marriage relationship.

 

If the WS is too weak to tell the BS to get out of the relationship for this person he "loves" so much, isn't that a problem?

 

And if the OW/OM really wants out of the relationship wouldn't they cease all contact? If that person feels it is an unhealthy addiction, perhaps that person needs a counselor. It definitely seems all contact should be cut off. It sounds like AA or something. Perhaps enlist a friend to help.

[lolapalooza]

If the love is that strong, wouldn't the two people end up together anyway? I mean without it becoming a situation where the OW/OM has to go tell the BS? Why wouldn't the WS tell the BS? It seems they are the people in the marriage relationship.

 

If the WS is too weak to tell the BS to get out of the relationship for this person he "loves" so much, isn't that a problem?

 

And if the OW/OM really wants out of the relationship wouldn't they cease all contact? If that person feels it is an unhealthy addiction, perhaps that person needs a counselor. It definitely seems all contact should be cut off. It sounds like AA or something. Perhaps enlist a friend to help.

This isn't about love. This is about someone who doesn't have enough self control to say no. And because they don't have any self control, they get someone else (the BS in this case) to do their dirty work for them. This allows them to keep up their delusion that they are a victim, and it's ok to hurt others because they are hurting.

 

Pretty disgusting.

[Spark1111]

I'm with Bent. I do not care who tells the BS or their motivations for doing so.

 

But someone, anyone should inform the unknowing third party about what has been happening in their lives so they can make an informed decision about THEIR future.

 

TOWinNYC, I do not know the particulars about your situation, so do what is best for you.

 

How is this any different than the cowardly WS who secretly hopes they get caught so they can get out of an A?

 

So they leave the cell phone lying around or the computer screen up and the BS's discovery forces a DDAY?

 

No different at all, IMO.

 

So, do it and prepare for the fallout.

[lolapalooza]

If you two are really serious about disclosing your affairs to the BS, I'm sure there are quite a few people on here that would be more than willing to help you out.

[spriggig]

All right, obviously y'all aren't interesting in answering MY question - which is, don't you think there ARE situations where the AP has no choice but to tell the BS?

 

The answer from non-cheaters is there aren't any situations where you SHOULDN'T tell the BS.

 

Don't cheat. If you cheat, you tell. It's called being honest and owning up to your responsibility and commitments.

 

If this is really a question for you, meaning you're not a troll, your mind must be so twisted from thinking about justifications and shifting blame that you can't think straight.

[Mimolicious]

Really. A cop out.

 

Like I've said before, you haven't walked in my shoes. So if "disclosing" the A makes my life easier AND keeps MP away - who cares?

 

What kind of shoes you wear?

 

Thing is you are not really making your motives too clear. Not sure what kind of answer you are looking for...

 

If you are being "harassed" that is enough grounds for a restraining order. Especially if you live in NYC. It's not ONLY given when a crime has already been committed, as you mentioned. Not sure who told you this. If your life is being threaten in any way and you are in fear that something can happen to you, you can walk into a precinct, file a complaint, and follow procedures.

 

Now...

 

Your "two birds with one stone" idea, sounds a bit suspect. You want to create enough drama in their life so they can be out of yours? ok... Wasn't your choice to be in their life to begin with? Are you really just upset at this MM and now want to stir ish up for him?

This approach can actually backfire more onto you than to them.

If your MM is such a harassing, stalking, spycho as you want to paint him here and is popping up at your driveway every night, you think that creating drama with his W is going to distract him?

 

You are playing with fire.

 

There is always a choice and if you fell like telling his W is the way to tame your MM, then get ready for the comeback.

 

There are other ways to get around this but people live for drama...

[norajane]

What if you have done what you could trying to get rid of the MP (married person), trying to get them out of your life - for example, changing your phone #, switching jobs, moving - and they keep finding you and you end up getting sucked back into the A......

 

Isn't your only other option "recruiting" the BS into "keeping a shorter leash" on their spouse and/or causing enough drama in THEIR life so the MP won't bother you anymore?

 

If you keep getting "sucked back into the A" then that's where you want to be, and choose to be. Telling the BS won't change that.

 

And I think it's hilarious that you have to "run to mommy" to control her errant little boy. Are y'all not adults?

 

However, I don't know why you are so certain that telling the BS will cause her to "keep a shorter leash" on her spouse. It could be quite the opposite and she may kick him out. In which case, he's on YOUR doorstep.

[2sure]

My thoughts on telling a BS are that he or she should almost always be told. Regardless of the initial motivating reason for telling . The end result, the bottom line , is the same: The truth so that they can deal with what is happening in their life.

 

As far as telling her so that SHE can stop YOU via her H, from having the affair...Please. Thats nonsense.

 

You should tell her , yes.

But just as important is for you to tell yourself the truth, the real reason you want to tell her. Whatever that is.

[TOWinNYC]

If a single guy kept pursuing me and I wouldn't want to continue the relationship, then I would most likely be over him and not have any trouble ending it. The difference to an extramarital relationship is that in an EMR you are usually trying to end the relationship although both parties are still very much in love. This can be extremely difficult to do.

 

I understand where you are coming from, TOW. I don't think it is in my or my MM's power to end our relationship without a Dday. The power of our love is too strong. Sometimes I long for a Dday just for something to happen, for the process to move along, for us to find out where our relationship stands (or ends) in broad day light.

 

Very interesting question. It is like telling the spouse is so taboo, but I do think there can be situations where it is appropriate. Just be sure you really DO want the relationship to end, so you don't just push it deeper underground by telling the BS.

 

Thank you Jennie-Jennie. You have hit the nail on the head (bolded parts above). The reason I posted it here was because I saw PlanetJanet's thread and wanted to know the same people's responses to a slightly different situation.

 

Obviously, from now on, I will post things in the OW/OM forum.

 

What did you mean by "push it deeper underground"?

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you Jennie-Jennie. You have hit the nail on the head (bolded parts above). The reason I posted it here was because I saw PlanetJanet's thread and wanted to know the same people's responses to a slightly different situation.

 

Obviously, from now on, I will post things in the OW/OM forum.

 

What did you mean by "push it deeper underground"?

 

 

Do you think posting in the other forum would have changed the answers that you got? Why/why not?

[TOWinNYC]

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If you are not kidding or just trying to provoke people who have been hurt by people like you, then you have no grip based on the reality that most of us do.

"Like I've said before, you haven't walked in my shoes"...what does that mean? Let's look @ you for a moment shall we:

• You have no morals

• You treat you SO like S*it & don't care if you kill them with an STD

• You cheat repeatedly & no doubt pretend like your not

• You don't love the person enough to be honest, so that you can continue to cheat

• Now you say you want to tell your SO (I don't believe you BTW) but only because it once again suits YOU.

Do you see a pattern here? A portrait of the type of person you are? I promise you everyone else here sees what you are.

You deserve worse & your SO deserves better. I hope you do tell them, then they can decide whether you're worth staying with, but I bet you don't have the internal strength. .

You'll get more sympathy in the cheaters forum; not here. Your post is an insult to decent people.

But I suspect that was your goal all along. Be ready for your Karma.

 

Hey are you telling this to me or to the WS (my AP)??? I'm not the one who's cheating on my SO, BTW.