Missing my boyfriend and want to be able to be happy on my own

[Susaluda]

I'm away for 8 weeks in England and my boyfriend (well right now we're kind of on a break but we still talk, *see story below) is back home in California. I'm having a lot of trouble being happy on my own which is really something I need to work on but I don't know how. I have a great time when I'm out with my friends but when I'm back in my room all alone I feel sad and think about him a lot. I'm not going to be able to talk to him this week since he's away and I don't want to be just counting down the days.

 

How do I stop thinking about him so much and learn to be happy without him? I don't want him to have near complete control over my happiness.

 

*Story of why we're on a break (if you're interested): We started dating at the beginning of last December and everything was so perfect. We had common interests and fell in love very quickly. The first three months or so were great and I'd never been happier but then after that he started getting super busy. We're both in college, I just finished my second year and he just graduated, and next year he is going to grad school to get his PhD somewhere else about 45 minutes away. He felt too pressured with the time commitment since he never had time to see me so we decided for now we are in a "less serious relationship" which is basically undefined for the time being. I am also his first relationship so I think the stress of it was getting to him.

Edited July 5, 2010 by Susaluda

[StarrySkyBlue]

I sort of have the same problem and I feel for you, Susaluda. I've been doing long-distance with my boyfriend for 9 months now and lately he's been very busy and would sometimes just disappear for a few days. It sucks. What I find helpful is getting busy and spending lots of time with friends, having hobbies, or, if it helps, do something that will remind you of him. For example, I feel great when I'm writing my boyfriend a letter -- and it gives me something extra to do when I go to the post office and mail it off

 

The bright side is, 8 weeks isn't a long time, and after that, being 45 minutes away is nothing! However, you might need to discuss it with him later on after you go back where you are taking this relationship.

 

Good luck!

[LittleTiger]

Welcome to LS, Susaluda.

 

It seems to me, if you are happy when you're out with your friends, then it isn't really being without him that's the problem, it's your own company that you're struggling with. He clearly doesn't have control over your happiness otherwise you would be miserable every second you were apart - which obviously isn't the case.

 

Counting down the days is a perfectly normal thing to do when separated from someone you love. Look at the Countdown thread - it's been going for YEARS.

 

If you are used to being around family and friends when you're at home then it could just be that you are homesick and focusing your emotions on your boyfriend because he is the one you are closest to.

 

If you feel lonely every time you are alone, even back home, then perhaps you just need to learn to entertain yourself. Take up a solo hobby like reading, listening to your favourite music, learning sodoku, chatting on LS.

 

I've never really understood this idea that we should all be happy alone. We're social animals and the vast majority of people are happier with partners, friends and family around them. Living alone is a very modern concept and goes against natural human behaviour, so don't beat yourself up for feeling lonely. It's normal.

 

Get out and see your friends as often as you can, take up a new hobby, keep in touch with the people you love back home and spend as little time as possible alone in your room. 8 weeks will be over in no time.

Edited July 6, 2010 by LittleTiger

[Susaluda]

Wow thank you, those were both excellent responses! Yes we will need to discuss where we are taking our relationship once I get back and maybe I'm subconsciously (and sometimes not subconsciously) worrying about that too which could contribute to how I'm feeling. I think I'll post about this in another topic since it's sort of a separate subject. Sometimes I do feel sad about missing him when I'm out with my friends but usually I'm ok.

[stace79]

I completely relate. My bf is about 7 hours away, and it's mostly when I'm home alone that I get sad thinking about him and really miss him.

 

During the day when I'm working or doing other things, he's always at the back of my mind at least, but it isn't that painful feeling of missing him or loneliness, it's just thinking of him.

 

I agree with the person who said it's not bad as long as you can still have a life, and be happy going out with your friends and participating in activities you enjoy.