Confident vs. Delusional

[Gero]

So if you have had a rough life with a lot of bad experiences and have been in the same rut for a long time, who do you come out of it? Where do you draw confidence from?

 

To me, it just seems that confidence has to come from good experiences that support your belief in yourself. Otherwise it just seems like self-delusion.

 

I want to be more confident and try to be more confident, but it just seems like things never change and I seem to be deluding myself.

 

How is one to determine their own worth without overstating it? As you can tell, I am really confused.

[Green]

So if you have had a rough life with a lot of bad experiences and have been in the same rut for a long time, who do you come out of it? Where do you draw confidence from?

 

You draw the confidence from within.

 

To me, it just seems that confidence has to come from good experiences that support your belief in yourself. Otherwise it just seems like self-delusion.

 

I think you gain confidence by NOT FEARING FAILURE and LEARNING from it. Take what you learn and use it to suceed. You learn more from FAILURES then a SUCCESS.

 

I want to be more confident and try to be more confident, but it just seems like things never change and I seem to be deluding myself.

 

You need to stop FEARING FAILURE and go out there and TRY and LEARN from you FAILURES... Feeling sorry for yourself leads to nothing good so STOP! Just STOP when ever you find yourself throwing a pitty party.

 

How is one to determine their own worth without overstating it? As you can tell, I am really confused.

 

Believe in yourself!

[Gero]

Bottom line is that it has to come from within. You have to be able to go beyond and past your past experiences. Your past doesn't have to define who you are today. YOU define who you are today. You can do this. Just focus on all that's good about you, Gero. You're probably as good, if not better, than most guys out there. I can tell from some of what you've posted. Now start acting like it. People will be drawn to you if you do.

 

It's not "delusional" to act like you deserve better than you've been getting you know.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

It's just tough because I don't have a lot going for me right now and I haven't for the past 10 years. Things have been worse the last few years.

 

I've been unemployed for almost 2 years now. At first I was on leave from work because I had back problems and issues with stress. I couldn't go back to work because I wasn't ready and the atmosphere was so bad there that I knew that I would be "punished" in some way for my absence. I got fired because I couldn't get my doctor's notes to them on time.

 

I haven't been able to find a job. The only jobs that I have had in the past I got because I knew someone that worked there.

 

My financial situation is messed up too. I went to ITT tech when I was 19, but quit a year later. The school was really bad with teachers coming and going and no knowing what they were doing. They were constantly late and sometimes wouldn't even show up for class. I got in a car wreck while going to school and my car was all screwed up. I couldn't deal with that crap school and my car, so I just quit.

 

I never paid the loans because I wasn't making enough money. I barely made like $600 a month back then delivering newspapers. I went to a lawyer a few years ago but he was no help at all and nothing was resolved. I have no idea what I owe because they keep raising the amount all of the time to outlandish amounts. I think it's at $16,000 now between two separate agencies. Ridiculous.

 

I was also treated like crap and mentally and physically abused as a kid so that didn't help my confidence growing up. I've also had a lot of bad experiences with my family since adulthood. I believe that I have been disowned by my mom 1-2 times and disowned by my aunt around 2-3 times. I could go into detail about all of this stuff but it would be really long and no one would want to read it.

 

I tend to put all of my efforts into finding the right girl. I figure that if I find the right person that I could support who would also be on my side or "team" then I could do anything. This causes me to trick myself into really liking a girl that I can relate to to the point that I become delusional. I've noticed this in the past and when they break it off, I don't get too upset because I realize what I am doing.

 

I'm really confused now because I met a really great girl that I think that I really really like, but I keep trying to convince myself that I'm kidding myself and I don't like her as much as I do. Things haven't worked out really because I am not confident enough to move things along. She picked up on this and we had a long talk the other day. Apparently, I am a really great guy and all, but I lack confidence and that's basically a deal breaker.

 

The problem is that I don't know where to get confidence from. I've been more and less confident in the past, but it seems like things go the same either way. That's why I feel like I am not really confident because I have nothing to base it on and am just being delusional hoping that someone will mistake it for confidence and give me a chance.

[Gero]

Very good advice from Green but I wanted to add one more thing. You asked how you determine your own worth without overstating it or being delusional. I think you do that by determining what you have to offer. Are you expecting more from someone than you're willing to give? If so then you'd probably be overstating your worth. Do you see what I'm saying? But if you're willing to give the same thing that you would expect from another person, how is that overstating your worth? Just be very realistic about what you're able and willing to give another person in ALL areas of your life.

 

My problem is that I have almost no boundaries to what I am willing to give in a relationship. No one I have met has been willing to match me or is afraid because I am too concerned about other people and not concerned enough about myself I guess.

[Gero]

Well, yeah no one is going to respect a doormat. Which sounds like you were. If you keep giving and giving more than you're receiving then you're a doormat. And to be honest, no one appreciates or respects someone who is constantly so selfless and giving....it's just too much for the other person to have to live up to. Know what I mean? You have to strike a balance somehow. Pull back a little. Give the other person a chance to give. When you're always giving and giving you don't allow the other person a chance. It also becomes too much of a good thing.

 

This is hard because I feel bad if I'm not doing everything I can to help someone. I wouldn't consider myself a doormat, because I don't put up with crap and I don't help people that treat me like crap or use me. I've had friends like this in the past and I cut them out of my life.

 

It's just that I don't know how else to be happy so I enjoy helping other people out because it's one of the few things that makes me happy.

 

Also, I hear you on all the problems but you sound like a victim who is full of excuses. Sorry for being blunt. I'm well-meaning though. Like the school thing...so what if the school wasn't completely up to par and the teacher's were late. You were attending ITT Tech...not Harvard. I would have shrugged my shoulders, waited and forged ahead. I would have said, "oh well" and kept on going knowing that if I finished I would have gained a lot from them. Act like you're "using" them to get what you want in the end. So what, if you had to wait for them sometimes. So what if they were disorganized. You can still put up with a little inconvenience in order to get what you want, can't you?

 

I tried to stay there, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I get bored easily with stuff and it was just boring me and I wasn't learning much because the school was so bad. They even put me in the wrong program and told me that I was wrong when I told them about it. It wasn't until a few semesters later that they finally admitted it and I was already behind on a program or two because of it. I still kept going to school after that, but I just got really sick of it and stopped going. A week or so later, my friend came to my house and told me how he was sent home from the school because cops were raiding the campus because there was all of this shady stuff going on there. After that, I figured that I would just be wasting my time if I went back there because no one would take a diploma from that school seriously.

 

It was sad because I started working in a warehouse job after that and I saw a ton of people that graduated from ITT Tech working there as temps.

 

I didn't understand about the loans. Were these school loans?

 

Yes, these were school loans. I couldn't handle the situation because I had too many other personal issues going on, so I just ignored it until they tried to sue me. I got a lawyer and he got them off my back, but never got a settlement or anything going and would never return calls or anything.

 

You do need to stop playing the victim though. It won't get you anywhere. "Winners" in life don't act like that. They bite the bullet, take a lot of crap so that they can get what they want in the end.

 

Can you do that? Can you re-enroll in school? Are you really doing everything you can to get a job? Any job? Be honest. Somehow I don't get the impression that you are.

 

I've been trying to get any job that I know I would be able to do. I don't think I would be able to handle too much interaction with people because I would get to stressed out. I've applied to a good amount of jobs, but this was only recently because for so long I was really depressed and not doing anything.

 

I'm sure that I could probably go back to that school but I really don't want to. It was just so bad, I couldn't deal with it. I'm not a big school person and I go at my own pace. For example, I did bad in high school because I was bored with the slow pace of things and the subpar teachers. I did home school in 12th grade and kicked ass, getting caught up and finishing a few weeks before graduation.

 

Once you get all those ducks in a row you're confidence should shoot through the roof. Until then, I'd forget girls and dating. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself first. A girl won't solve all your problems. I'd seriously consider putting dating on hold for now. You're just trying to avoid the real issues in your life.

 

You really can do this you know.

 

I've done this in the past, but I end up back where I am. I get surges in confidence for a short period, but when I get shot down by a ton of girls, then I fall back into the hole so to speak.

 

I've given up on dating for years at a time in the past because it hurt too much when things would never work out and it was too much to handle. I would try to get back on track, but things would never work out.

 

It's just now I am 26 and still have nothing going for me and on top of it all, my hair seems to be thinning a bit so I just feel like my window to find someone is closing and I will have to end up settling for someone just so that I am not alone.

 

On a side note, my brother is 24 and hasn't had a girlfriend and my cousin is 32 and still lives at home and hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years. I just feel like things are out of my control and maybe I'll never be able to be happy with someone.

[Gero]

Your window isn't closing unless YOU close it. All that was just a bunch of excuses and more of playing the victim. And you're only 26 you know. Some of us (including me) were late bloomers and didn't get our acts together until our 30's. Lighten up on yourself a little.

 

As for your brother and cousin, so what? They're not YOU. Stop with the excuses and get moving!

 

The thing is that the lawyer said that I had a case and was going to help me get a settlement or whatever, but it never ended up happening. What's done is done I guess though.

 

Also, you're not telling me anything that I don't already know. It's just tough.

[Gero]

Maybe the "settlement" was the fact that the creditors are off your back now? I don't know. I mean you said yourself that they weren't bugging you anymore. Why is that? They were bugging you before you consulted the lawyer weren't they? See where I'm going with this?

 

Ok, well I'm sorry that I'm telling you stuff that you already know. I won't waste more of my time then. It just didn't sound like, based on your actions and what you wrote here, that you knew any of this stuff.

 

Of course it's tough. Nothing good comes easy in life.

 

I wish you luck.

 

BG

 

Thanks. It's just that I get overwhelmed by things at times and never act. This affects me in all areas of life. I have a tough time relaxing at times. That's why I have come to just give up or not try when it comes to some things.

[Gero]

I think that I am starting to find my confidence. It's not about feeling that you are right or wrong about something, but feeling that what you feel is right because it's who you are and it comes from within you. If you don't have confidence in what you think or feel then no one else will because you are not being true to yourself.

 

I think I am finally starting to figure out things.