wife cheated with my best friend

[spickeri]

My wife of 13 years cheated on me with my best friend of 25 years. I just recently found out and that it happened for two years on and off its been bout 7 years since it happened. I also found out she has cheated on my with 3 other guys over the years. We have 3 wonderful boys and I do really still luv her and she does seem sorry. I think I can forgive her but I just can't seem to get past the mental pain thinking about. Any hope to save these relationship.

[Enchanted Girl]

Is she taking actual actions to try to win your trust over again? Also, has she agreed to be honest with you about these things from now on?

 

And if you are really willing to forgive her, just know that those things take time. They don't happen over night. It's natural for you to still feel upset about it.

[imagine]

Do not forgive her without making sure that there are measures in place to ensure her faithfulness.

 

Why does she want to come back to you?

[Fay]

This woman likes sleeping with other men. (Not that she doesn't like sleeping with you too; clearly you've impregnated her enough to prove that point.) In an ideal world I would suggest an open relationship... not that that's for everyone.

 

If your relationship has otherwise been happy and you're not of a religion that demands monogamy, then I don't see why not.

[Bryanp]

Your wife has slept with at least 4 other men putting your health at risk for STD's. She slept with your best friend for two years off and on. You say she is sorry but it seems pretty obvious that she is sorry that she got caught. She has shown you the ultimate in disrespect and humiliation. How did you find out? Most of the time you will find that you never know the whole story. The fact that she would engage in such a double betrayal with your best friend says it all. How can you look at your anniversaries and not feel sick. Clearly she has had no problem lying and cheating behind your back.

 

I hate to say this but clearly you need to have a paternity check on your children. What possible justification could she have given you? I doubt if the roles were reversed that she would be so accepting as you. Your so called best friend is total slime. What did he say to you? Maybe you should ask yourself why would you would continue to love a spouse who would treat you with such disrespect and degrade you and herself in such a manner.

[Mimolicious]

This woman likes sleeping with other men. (Not that she doesn't like sleeping with you too; clearly you've impregnated her enough to prove that point.) In an ideal world I would suggest an open relationship... not that that's for everyone.

 

If your relationship has otherwise been happy and you're not of a religion that demands monogamy, then I don't see why not.

 

Really? This is a pretty ignorant statement. His wife is a cheater... raises the probabilities that these kids may not even be his.

 

You say that she is "sorry"? Of course she is, PARTY OVER! She has done this repeatedly. There is a pattern here, not like she did it once and it will never happen again. Besides, these are the ones that she is owning up to, there may be more flings. Either get help or separate. You W needs to learn her lesson before she can really be sorry. Wish you well.

[reservoirdog1]

I have mixed feelings on the paternity issue. From what you've written, it's certainly possible that one or more of your sons aren't biologically yours. But if you were to find out for certain, what would that change? Would you want your relationship with that son, whom you no doubt love unconditionally, to suffer in some way? Would you want one of your cheating wife's OMs to suddenly have a reason to insert himself into YOUR son's life?

 

I'm not saying DON'T find out, but that's something to think about, IMHO.

 

Your best friend is a cockroach. So much for "bros before hos". He could've banged any one (or more) of millions of women out there, but he chose to fyck your wife. Some friend.

 

Beats me if you can trust her again. I went through the same thing and the marriage ended. I'm not sure I'd be able to trust her again -- fortunately, now I don't have to.

 

It's up to you if you want to try to make your marriage work. For me, one deciding factor would be whether she'd come clean on her own, or if I'd found out the truth and cornered her with it. Because if it was the latter, she'd probably have kept doing it if you hadn't caught her.

 

But if you do want to try to salvage things, there's three things you should do:

 

1. Immediately get tested for STDs (actually, do this whether you try to save the marriage or not). I told XW that I was doing so, and she told me that I didn't need to, she'd been careful (which rang pretty hollow, since she'd always hated condoms), blah blah blah. I told her that since I couldn't trust her word, I certainly wasn't going to trust her with my life, and I needed to know that I hadn't gotten crudded up from having unprotected sex with her for years. That shut her up quick.

 

2. If you want to take a stab at fixing the marriage, insist that she immediately cut off all contact with the various guys she fycked. Period. Full stop. Each one of them must, effective immediately, be persona non grata.

 

3. Insist that she give you unlimited, anytime access to her email, internet history, Facebook, and cell phone, including passwords.

 

If she resists 2 or 3, that'll give you a clear indication that she's not worth it. A partner who's truly remorseful should be bending over backwards to prove their trustworthiness. Anything less, and she's still the same dishonest person who betrayed your trust.

 

Good luck man...

[Corporate]

My wife of 13 years cheated on me with my best friend of 25 years. I just recently found out and that it happened for two years on and off its been bout 7 years since it happened. I also found out she has cheated on my with 3 other guys over the years. We have 3 wonderful boys and I do really still luv her and she does seem sorry. I think I can forgive her but I just can't seem to get past the mental pain thinking about. Any hope to save these relationship.

 

You should do a paternity test on those boys. They might not be yours biologically.

[benmac360]

I agree that if you are considering a paternity test for your children and you are prepared for either result, you should have them done, but the real issue is your wife's serious lack of self discipline, integrity and personal boundaries. It's appalling that your wife has such little respect for you that she would betray you repeatedly with your best friend, so at this point you have to believe there are more than just these 4 guys.

 

Unless your boys are very young I would pursue a divorce, since her affairs are always going to linger in the back of your mind. If both of you went into marriage counseling and she gets intense therapy for her personal problems, then maybe this marriage can be saved. But that's only if she has shown real remorse for her serial cheating, she's not staying due to guilt and your wife is willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. Also think about what is motivating you to want to work this out - do you really want to be with a woman that humiliated you like this 5, 10 years from now?

[ComputerJock]

In some states if you prove that the child isn't yours you don't have to pay child support. The woman you married is not the one you live with now. Your old marriage is dead. Your trust is gone. You will have images of her having sex with other men for the rest of your life. Is it worth it looking across the table a dinner and wondering who she's sucked off lately? I would run, Forest, run.

[Fay]

Really? This is a pretty ignorant statement. His wife is a cheater... raises the probabilities that these kids may not even be his.

 

I'll give you that one. It crossed my mind too. But chances are at least one of the kids is his...

[Fay]

It's appalling that your wife has such little respect for you that she would betray you repeatedly with your best friend, so at this point you have to believe there are more than just these 4 guys.

 

That reminds me of that old adage that when it comes to stating how many sex partners you've had, men always multiply the real number by 3, and women always divide by 3. Therefore we can assume she's cheated with 12 men

[ComputerJock]

Maybe not so. Neighbor found out when he was on travel his dad would come over and spend the night with his wife. She had two kids. Neighbor went for test, neither kid his, both his dads.

[Fay]

Maybe not so. Neighbor found out when he was on travel his dad would come over and spend the night with his wife. She had two kids. Neighbor went for test, neither kid his, both his dads.

 

 

The guy was raising his siblings!!!

 

Look on the bright side. At least they keep it in the family!

[spickeri]

I agree that if you are considering a paternity test for your children and you are prepared for either result, you should have them done, but the real issue is your wife's serious lack of self discipline, integrity and personal boundaries. It's appalling that your wife has such little respect for you that she would betray you repeatedly with your best friend, so at this point you have to believe there are more than just these 4 guys.

 

Unless your boys are very young I would pursue a divorce, since her affairs are always going to linger in the back of your mind. If both of you went into marriage counseling and she gets intense therapy for her personal problems, then maybe this marriage can be saved. But that's only if she has shown real remorse for her serial cheating, she's not staying due to guilt and your wife is willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. Also think about what is motivating you to want to work this out - do you really want to be with a woman that humiliated you like this 5, 10 years from now?

 

This is my problem right now I don't want to be wondering that years from now. Right now things really are good between us things are going great she's done everything I have ask her to do to regain my trust,I see her phone she calls me if she's even going to be five minutes late

I have her passwords to email and facebook. So has also agreed to therapy and counicling but things are going so well I almost don't want to go to it. I can forgive for it all I am just having a hard time with my own pride and I am so jealous now and that's just not me and I don't want it to be. She had a lot of problems growing up and she's is bi polar and I also was not giving her attention she needed but I never cheated on her. I know that's not a excuse for what she's done but we really talk really talk and I feel like we can be closer and make it. I no I will never forget it but will I always think about every day.

Edited July 7, 2010 by spickeri

[norajane]

So has also agreed to therapy and counicling but things are going so well I almost don't want to go to it.

Don't be an idiot or an ostrich burying your head in the sand.

 

Something caused her to lie to your face for years, and to cheat on you with 4 men including your best friend. That something is a problem with her character - and just because she's kissing your ass right now doesn't mean she has resolved her psychological issues for choosing to deceive you and expose you to STD's while screwing around behind your back.

 

Your marriage is far from saved or healthy, no matter how many passwords she gives you at the moment. Because your wife is not healthy. She is a serial cheater. Serial cheaters don't just stop cheating because they've been caught. Serial cheaters don't just stop cheating.

 

Google "serial cheater" and read all about it. You will recognize your wife and her behaviors. She is a practiced and excellent liar. You have no idea when she's lying to you since she's been doing it for years. And you will not know when she does it again, because you cannot recognize her lying because she's so good at it. Educate yourself! And go to counseling and make sure she gets therapy.

 

And get your kids tested - you have no idea whether you are their biological father.

Edited July 7, 2010 by norajane

[Bryanp]

If you had slept with at least 4 other women and continued to sleep with her best friend for two years and put your health at risk for STD's; do you honestly think your wife would be accepting of such humiliation and disrespect from you? You judge people by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is in damage control. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to understand what she has done to you? It is bad enough that her actions show she has no respect for you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel proud that she is your wife.? Why are you settling for this? Don't you feel you deserve better? I wish you luck my friend.

[Crusoe]

Bad childhood, bipolar, not anough attention, its all excuses. Rotten, devious, utterly selfish, bullsh*t excuses. Think back to who you were before you married this woman. Were you the type of man who woud take this kind of abuse? I doubt it, but you are now. That's what 13 years of cheating and lies does to you. This women has been twisting your mind for years. How much damage control does that amount cheating require? How many lies? Not just told to you but everyone else aswell. How many people who know of her cheating been kept away from you, how many have you been kept away from? You have not been in control of your life for a long, long time. Every decision big or small has been based upon her lies, her fear of you discovering what she is really like. The nearer you get to that truth, the more she will lie, accuse and abuse.

 

You're in mental pain and having problems with your pride and jealousy? I'm not f*****g surprised. That's what a serial cheat does to you. Stay married and in another 13 years you wil be an empty shell, shattered, a broken man. No pride, dignity, self worth and completely numb to your wife's abuse.

 

What you love doesn't exist.

[mark982]

get kids tested to see if they're yours,then run like hell. she's kissing your azz, cause she's afraid of either you finding out the kid(s) aren't yours,or that her gravy trains about to leave the station.

[Holding-On]

NoraJane said it well.

You are in shock now so I think you are not quite believing it is as big a deal, that this is really real. You have said nothing about your friend. A best friend of one quarter century!? That is massive betrayal.

I'm not a fan of monogamy. I'm not monogamous. However, I am a fan of loving your spouse. Your wife is not and has not been loving you. She clearly does not know what that means.

 

 

Get into therapy for yourself to find out why you would not value yourself nor show your sons how to value themselves more.

[rubberguard]

get a divorce.

 

cheating is the most horrible thing anyone could ever do. the marriage is broken right then and there.

 

just get out and get a paternity test on the kids. they should know their real fathers.

[In Like Flynn]

How long were the affairs with the other 3 men? When did they haappen in relation to your kids conception? Are any of them married? Are you sure that she hadn't have other ones she didn't mention....maybe other friends?

 

Seeing it was a long term affair with your best friend....did she allow him to come over and play best friend to you for the 2 years of the affair and the 7 years after???? If so why would she do that? To me that is humiliating you without you even knowing about it. During the two year affair...you have to know that when he came over to play friends with you that the two of them had to be smiling at each other, pat on the butt when you weren't looking etc. Maybe it was a big joke between them that you didn't know he was banging your wife.

[reservoirdog1]

just get out and get a paternity test on the kids. they should know their real fathers.

With respect, I disagree -- insofar as I think that's a poor reason for getting the paternity test done. (I'm not saying there might not be other reasons to do it.)

 

Right now, you simply don't know whether your boys are biologically from you or not. It's a question mark. A possibility. A suspicion. IMHO, that means there is absolutely no obligation on you to find out the truth.

 

It's true, you may always wonder, and sometimes be tempted to find out.

 

But keep something very important in mind, Spickeri -- you are their "real father". Period. You're the guy they call "Dad". You've raised them this far. You've fed them, clothed them, played with them, taught them, done fun things with them, comforted them, provided for them. You're the guy who loves them unconditionally, and who would trade his own life for theirs.

 

Nobody else is, or can ever be, anything more than a sperm donor. And that will never change. Any idiot can be somebody's sperm donor. It takes somebody special to be their dad.

 

If, one day, the truth becomes known through some means other than your efforts, you will not have been at fault for that truth -- or, in my opinion, for not having taken steps to ascertain the true state of affairs. The fault for that will lie squarely at your wife's feet. And it will be up to her to explain it to your son(s).

 

Again, I'm not saying "don't do the test". But I am suggesting that you consider all the ramifications, make sure you're clear on your own motivations before doing so, and really just decide whether or not you really want to go down that road. If the result is adverse to you, you won't be able to take it back -- you can't unring a bell.

 

You're very new to the knowledge of your wife's serial cheating. The wounds are fresh and raw. Your best bet on the paternity issue is to let it sit for now, so that you can make the decision later with a clearer head. You can always get it done tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or next decade, or never.

 

Hang in there...

Edited July 8, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[carhill]

OP, sorry about your issues. That sucks. Your bmf should've had better boundaries even if your W didn't.

 

Here's what I'd do...

 

Health is paramount. I'd get a checkup and baseline STD tests. Since some can be delayed, it's a good idea to baseline this. Also, great to have a baseline for physical health. What's coming isn't going to be easy on you physically.

 

Make that MC appointment. Build on the positives you already acknowledge and identify what issues remain to be worked. IC for your W as appropriate to work on her personal issues. Since she's bi-polar, and I presume medicated, a psychiatrist would be the appropriate professional for IC.

 

Within MC, discuss your concerns about the status of your children, if this is a 'big issue' for you. "I'm afraid, with these revelations, that our children are not yours and mine biologically. I'd like to allay these fears. How can we do that?" Listen. Accept the answers as your spouse's current 'truth'. This will indicate, as one datapoint, how the process of disclosure is really going. Don't accuse. Share how you *feel*.

 

I've seen what a bi-polar woman in the manic phase can do. The behaviors are completely inappropriate and out of context with who they 'are'. In those times, their boundaries and filters go away. I've had to enforce those boundaries for them. Good friends are hard to find. Too bad your bmf didn't see things that way.

 

Focus on your health and accepting the current state of the M with an eye on moving forward. Hug the kids

[vestigalvirgin]

Op, the only thing I have to add is:

 

The anger hasn't hit yet, but it will.

 

Be prepared.