STBX wants to introduce partner to kids

[JLoves]

I've not posted for a while and things have been ticking along, with me gradually getting used to the idea the STBX is not ever coming back and getting on with my life with my kids. The odd disagreements but I've been trying to be reasonable.

 

Then tonight when she picks up the kids she says that she wants to make time to have a 1/2 hour talk without the kids present.

 

She didn't want to tell me what it was about, but after the usual 20 questions, I find out she wants to introduce her BF to our kids as her new partner, and soon, in a couple of weeks.

Soon because she wants to do it before they move in together. They have been seeing each other for 7-8 months. (They met 2 months after we separated)

 

She introduced him to the kids as a 'friend' a few months ago and I wasn't happy as I felt it was too soon. At the time she kind of agreed that he would not have contact with the kids before October this year. Of course, she had changed her mind, or will say she has never agreed to this.

 

Other words from her mouth. 'The kids have missed out on doing stuff because they don't know him'. 'I want the kids to meet his 13 yr old daughter'

 

I have primary care of the kids (6F 10M) . I'm not looking forward to having a step-dad in their lives but I don't know if there is anything I can do about this, or any way I can prevent it happening.

 

A couple of weeks is her typical bad timing. It's my daughters 7th birthday a few days before that. I can't believe she keeps doing this stuff on important days. (She told me ILYBIDLY on the eve of my birthday)

 

Any suggestions of what I should be asking her at this meeting?

 

Am feeling very lost at the moment. I can't be believe she asks this on the day I take back to the library two books on co-parenting.

[imagine]

Your children have no right to experience unfaithful behaviour. Check with your lawyer to see what is or is not allowed in your country.

 

Tiger Woods is unable to see his kids with another woman unless he is married to her.

[zippy's login]

In the U.S. there is nothing you can do about her introducing someone to the kids. As long as there is no illegal or dangerous activity while the kids are around it's too bad. I tried but it was no use.

[stillafool]

Yeah, it's one of the downsides to divorce when you have children. Sooner or later they will meet the lovers. I know it is hard but one day you will have a woman in your life that you will want them to know.

[JLoves]

Sigh.. She just dropped the kids off and I asked the question I needed to know.

 

'Are you moving with him, or is he moving in with you?'

and the answer was 'We are looking for a place somewhere closer to the city'

 

From what I gather, her BF lives 45 mins away.

Either way, it means she will be considerably further away from my house.

 

I have no idea how the child care is going to work if she has to travel 15-20 mins each way to pickup and dropoff the kids. She has them for 2 1/2 hours twice a week. (plus alternative weekends)

 

She also wants to do the introduction on her next weekend in two weeks, which is the weekend after my daughters birthday.

 

'Please don't do it on her birthday weekend'. Which resulted in a discussion which ended 'I was going to talk to you about it but now I'm not and I'm going to do it anyway'.

 

Eventually she agreed to meet and talk about it, and to wait until after the school holidays are over. (another two weeks)

 

I guess at least the kids aren't going to see someone in her house all of a sudden. She said she wanted to go to the park after my daughters usual birthday afternoon tea at nana's to meet up with her BF and daughter.

 

Wish I could crawl under a rock or that she would disappear. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this.

 

 

I know I have no option but to just deal with it, I have no control over what she does. I'm trying to work out whats best for the kids and I. This introducing has to be done carefully, and going on her past history, I'd be surprised if she has looked into this instead of blinding rushing into it.

 

When the right someone comes along for me, I fully intend to do it the 'right' way.

 

zippy: We are much the same situation. I have full primary care, and live in the house. I'll fight to retain these things.

[whichwayisup]

It's way too soon for her to be introducing them to this guy. Your kids are still adjusting. It's quite selfish of her to do this, and it's obvious why you have custody.

Talk to your Lawyer.. And, before the kids meet this guy, you meet him first, if you haven't already. Make it clear to him that he is "just" a friend to your kids and not their stepdad until he marries your ex. They can call him by his first name.

 

I also suggest you be there while the kids meet him for the first time.

 

This isn't going to be easy and I'm sure it really hurts to know some other guy will be around your kids but just know NOONE can replace you. Not in their hearts, ever. You are their daddy and not anybody else.

 

Hopefully this guy will respect you and your kids, not push and he'll be put them first too. This can work but it wont' be easy.. Unfortunately you may have to be the bigger person (your W sounds like her happiness comes before the kids)..

[spriggig]

Fortunately, my STBXW broke up with the OM--he lived in another state but that didn't stop the nightmare fantasy that he would move here and "play daddy to my son", whom she has primary custody of.

 

I was reminded that my 11 year old son was old enough to know who his father is (of course). And, like you, I have almost zero choice in the matter.

 

But that does raise the question in my mind of how old your kids are?

[JLoves]

spriggig: 10 yr old boy and nearly 7 year old girl.

 

whichwayisup: Thats a very hard thing to do. I have no lawyer, but I would be surprised if there is anything I can do.

 

I also just found out from a friend that her facebook profile picture has a guy in it, and it's been there for months. I am blocked from her facebook but anyone can see the profile.

 

What sort of b*tch does that?

 

Part of NC is not to look at her online presence. I haven't looked at her twitter or facebook for over 6 months. I trying to be strong and not look.

[spriggig]

The 10 year old is probably in the clear, but the 7 year old might be a little shaky. If your ex is spiteful and the guy is a bastard, he might overstep his bounds by trying to bond too closely with your kids as a method of getting closer to the ex--the 7 year old might become confused. Very unlikely, but possible.

 

I wouldn't fret too much about the BF, he's just a rebound and will probably be gone within a year.

[JLoves]

I assume since he has a 13 yr old daughter that he is separated as well. Double rebound.

 

He has already met them as a 'friend of mums', and the kids returned with stories of how great he is. That got up my nose at the time. That was when she agreed to not do anything else until October. Or in her words 'That october won't be too soon to introduce him'. So much for that. I was not really surprised when she said that she would do it now.

 

I'm guessing that since it's 6 months since she moved into her own place, that it's money that pushing this decision as her rental contract is running out, oh, and of course 'she is in love' affairyland.

 

Either way, I think my kids are going to be hurt and the flack will affect us as a family for a long time to come.

[imagine]

What are the consequences of a affair in NZ. Check up on the www.

[JLoves]

What are the consequences of a affair in NZ. Check up on the www.

 

We had separated before she started her relationship with this guy.

 

She met him two months after that.

 

I'm 99.99% sure she wasn't having an affair at that time, although I have no doubt that she would have left the moment she met someone.

 

I gave her an ultimatum and she decided to leave.

 

My story is here if you want a long read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208942/

Edited July 7, 2010 by JLoves

[imagine]

Ok Jloves, I read it.

 

This friendship stuff with WW is killing you. Stop it. Go Plan B. Write a note that politely says that that you love her and contact with her is killing you. You have not left her a good image to remember that she may dwell upon and it is unlikely that she will come back.

 

Get an intermediary to work with her. NO MORE CONTACT. She can drop the kids outside the house. The intermediary can arrange times with you for the children to be picked up.

 

Fix you! You are a wreck and this must be evident to the kids. No one will like you as you are.... NZ is a beautiful place, take up mountain climbing (or walk the hills). Learn the art of being a great husband. Do not date until a year after the divorce. Your wife has been a crutch for you. Now it is time that YOU escaped.

[JLoves]

imagine: I read your comments. Pretty much all true. In someways I've worked that out since the last post on that thread.

 

I don't know how to make the NC work with the kids and the time she has to see them. She already drops them outside the house and any conversations/contact usually happens at the front door.

 

I dont have an appropriate intermediary who I can use.

 

Saying I'm a wreck is an understatement. I feel like I'm so out of control and trapped it's not funny. Whats worse is I can't see a way out of this.

 

The house is a mess, (and one day that house will be dragged from underneath me, soon by the sounds of it if she has her way), I'm always late for anything, completely unorganised, can't finish anything, easily distracted and it's doing my head in. But I don't seem to have a way of pulling out of the mud.

 

I know I have to work on me, but it seems to impossible when I'm feeling so low and so horrible. Day to Day keeping my head above water is the best I can do.

 

Who would want me in such a state anyway?

 

Not sure how she is a crutch for me though. I'm doing a good job of that myself.

 

Sorry if I'm rambling.. 4am wake ups not being able to get back to sleep is hard to deal with. Again.. Just like every other time she rears her ugly head.

[sally4sara]

If she seems them so little and moving a bit further away, she might just be disengaging but wants to keep up appearances.

 

But watch for her to use her new source of money to go after custody.

 

Does she pay child support?

[JLoves]

If she seems them so little and moving a bit further away, she might just be disengaging but wants to keep up appearances.

 

But watch for her to use her new source of money to go after custody.

 

Does she pay child support?

 

Thats one of the big things I'm worried about. I need to see a lawyer to find out what my rights are regarding custody. We have an informal agreement so far, (a parenting plan document), but it's not been through the family court here so I don't know how it will hold up.

 

She does pay child support, and I assume her BF is paying child support as well. I can see that it would benefit both of them to take over the children.

 

Of course, it puts me in a very bad place.

[spriggig]

...She does pay child support, and I assume her BF is paying child support as well. I can see that it would benefit both of them to take over the children.

 

Yep, wife gets primary custody of our son after the divorce is final. So, she is gone, the step-son I supported since he was four is gone, and my son is gone. Gone with them is the substantial tax relief I was receiving for 12 years. No tax relief for paying child support, of course not. I only have to pay $300/mo. so, I know I'm getting off pretty easy, but that really eats the up the savings that living alone would have provided--so, really I'm still living paycheck-to-paycheck.

 

At least I'm not paying for the 24/7 texting/phone calls to the OM anymore. LOL!

[JLoves]

I'm having a 'meeting' with her tomorrow at 1pm in a Mc Cafe to talk about things.

 

I asked that she have a longer lunch so it wasn't going to be a rush. (when ever we used to have lunch she always had to rush back to work).

 

I got a curt 'OK'. Then another text that wasn't for me saying 'JLoves wants to talk to me, is it ok if we have smoothies at 2pm'. So much for a short lunch.

 

Then another text arrives saying 'That was for my sister, we were going to meet up'.

 

Nice to think that she values anything I've got to say.

 

I hate it that I'm so worked up about this and she isn't.

 

I have to sit down and write a list of questions I want to ask her. I'm going to try my best to avoid agreeing to anything tomorrow without going away and thinking about it.

 

....

 

She just picked up the kids.. Zero conversation that didn't involve the kids.

 

....

 

I'm still annoyed with her from last night. Putting my daughter to bed, told her I love her and I'll always be there for her. Conversation gets to homes. 'Oh, I've got 2 homes, wait, 3 homes. ' 'Yes?' 'One here, one mum is renting and the house mum is going to buy'.

 

I'm so pissed off that she is talking to the kids about her moving into a new house before discussing it with me.

 

She has no clue what the kids are going to go through.. I hope they don't.

 

spriggig: I'm so sorry you have 'lost' your kids. I'm scared of losing them, the house and everything I value. I'm told that it's more biased on who has the children at separation nowadays but how do I know she's not building a dossier against me. I try not to worry about that too much.

[imagine]

Jloves lets focus on your stability. What do you need to do to fix your career?

[vestigalvirgin]

They met 2 months after we separated

 

 

Of course.

[JLoves]

Jloves lets focus on your stability. What do you need to do to fix your career?

 

Thats a hard one to answer..

 

I need to get through today first. I'll get back to you..

[JLoves]

They met 2 months after we separated

 

Of course.

 

I know.. I don't believe she had an affair.. EA with someone else, yes, I definitely think so.

 

Maybe she met him before that.. I'm assuming he is part of the network of friends from where she used to work. I'm not sure.. I don't want to know.

 

Either way, right now, I can't prove anything even if I did believe it to be true.

[hopesndreams]

That "new" relationship will fizzle and die and there will be other men in her and the kids lives. You're only going to have to go through this situation all over again and again.

[JLoves]

5am.. Been awake for an hour.

 

Thanks hopesndreams.. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse

 

I hope for her sake that it doesn't. She is pinning a lot on this guy.

 

I had the meeting with her. Went ok, I listened to what she had to say. Came out feeling like things are careering along like a juggernaut out of control.

 

She told me her plans.. BF is going to buy a house for them to live in, and she's going to pay cheap rent to him. She even admitted that she was doing this mainly for herself. Taking the opportunity to save money. (Again she said that the kids are missing out because she has to decide about having food or taking them out. It's hard keeping them occupied while they are with her she says)

 

This is all going to happen within 2-3 months which is why she wants to start introducing the kids to him and daughter gradually as a friend asap. Then that friend is going to move in with mummy when she moves house.

 

She has a good feeling that 'he's the man for her' and offered to tell me about him. 42, works in a bank, 11 years previous relationship, not married, 13 yr old daughter. who he seems 2-3 times week. I hate to say it, but he sounds like a career version of me.

 

As expected she is painting the 'everything is going to be rosy' view that the kids are going to be fine blending in with him and daughter.

She says she will have mummy time with the kids as he won't be around much. (Not sure what kind of relationship that is)

 

I asked what would happen if the kids got worse than they already are. She replied 'Worse than they already are?'. 'All they need is a little attention and they are fine'. She doesn't have them 24/7 like I do and I can see it affecting them already. (and others have commented). Maybe time to have that meeting at school that the teachers wanted to have with STBX and I about the kids behavior.

 

She asked if I was looking for a job. I said I was considering options. She offered to adjust her work schedule slightly if necessary. Not sure if she was just concerned, or fishing for information.

 

No talk of the relationship property. I need to see a lawyer asap to cover myself and find out my rights as I can see this coming up soon when she has more free money. (that she says she will be spending on the kids. Yeah right)

 

Sorry for the long post.. Had to dump what was on my mind.

 

Time to work out what I'm doing with my life. (easy to say, seemingly impossible to do)

[wrencn]

She is selfish! Just keep on doing the right thing and be the best person and parent you can be so when your children are older they can say, Hey, at least Dad actually cared about me. I am so sorry you have to go through this.