What do you think about Divorce Busters?

[awakenedatlast]

I posted a while back about feeling distraught after my decision to break off all contact with a single guy I had developped feelings for while unhappy in my marriage.

 

So, it has happened, and I cried buckets. I'll probably still see him from time to time but am taking steps to try and make sure I won't be alone with him. I have been acting cool and aloof for a while and trying to distance myself emotionally, but the physical attraction is still as strong, and I am even dreaming about him now I don't actaully see him regularly. So, to clarify, there was no affair, just, as someone here put it, an 'inappropriate friendship' with a fair bit of flirting and me falling rapidly for him.

 

So, I'm back here to ask for more advice, support and feedback.

 

I have come very close to leaving my husband, and I mean VERY close. I have been so confused for so long I just can't think straight. I kind of knew all along that while Mr sexy was on the scene my judgement would be clouded. Now he's not I have to decide what to do. I think I mentioned when I posted before that our problems pre-date Mr sexy, and I'm pretty sure that if he hadn't come along it would have been someone else who opened my eyes and heart to the fact that my marriage is a sham that can't go on.

 

I have been up front with my husband about where I'm at (as far as I know myself), short of telling him about my feelings for this other guy. I know some of you suggested I should, but I can't, I won't go into details, but it's just not possible. He's all for trying to rebuild our marriage, going to MC, sex therapy, you name it. So that should make me happy. The problem is I just don't know if I have enough left in my heart to make it work after years of feeling neglected and unhappy, even for the kids' sake. I have been kind of stuck like this for months, even my IC isn't helping me (remember: my counsellor suggested I should just go ahead and have an affair this guy!). There's just so much anger, resentment and sadness.

 

So, I feel like I've been stuck in this emotional limbo for ages, wishing I didn't feel the way I do about the OM, and wishing I could feel the way I should for my husband, but not able to do anything about it.

 

Until now.

 

And this is where I could use some encouragement, advice, feedback...

 

So, I've done a LOT of internet trawling and came across the site by Michele Weiner-Davis called Divorce Busters. And it really hit home. I AM a walk-away wife. She described the way I have been feeling so well. Not just in that particular article, but in general, about the way I feel it's not possible to feel love again, that it's really over. This is the only thing that has given me any hope that my husband and I CAN work this out. I am loathe to spend more money on IC/MC and just have people analyze, analyze, analyze. What I like in her approach is that she is interested in the SOLUTIONS. This is what I need, concrete stuff, being able to beelieve that it is possible, even if I'm not sure I do want to be with this man for the rest of my life. I need to believe that I CAN have a change of heart.

 

I also came across some stuff about self-love and recognise that I do have a lot of work to do in this area. Not sure I want to work with the same counsellor on this, though (or on anything, to be frank).She seems a bit too, I don't know, critical? Dismissive? not particularly constructive? Does that make sense?

 

So, tomorrow is our ninth wedding anniversary. I suppose that would be a good time to begin the changes necessary. So, I am going to try the 'fake it til you make it' approach. Forgiveness, unconditional love, change myself instead of trying to change him...

 

Anyone else tried this approach? What advice can you offer? Does this seem like a plan to you?

 

Thanks for anyone who made it through the ramble

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I was reading the first half of your post and beginning to get depressed about another couple failing. I saw that your H wanted to try any and everything, and I was intending to point out that many wives in your shoes do not have that luxury.

 

Then I read the second half of your post and I was excited for you!

 

I have read much of Michelle Weiner-Davis' stuff. I remember the first time a book of hers arrived at home from Amazon. My wife asked me, "do you have something you need to talk about?" I had to explain that it was not only for couple who were thinking divorfce, but also for couple just wanting to improve their marriage. Personally used her writing many times since then, and even given her books to friends on the brink of divorce. Just earlier this year, I brought the book "Sex-Starved Marriage" into our home, and at first my wife was a little purturbed that I thought we might need that book... Well guess what, it has defintely helped improve us as a couple also...

 

I think you can tell that I am HUGE fan of divorce-busting. I think it can work better for many couples than therapy!

 

Happy ninth anniversary... May you and your husband make it to your 29th, 39th, & 49th & more!

[stace79]

Apologies if this comes across as rude or blunt, but you should have thought about all these things BEFORE you married this man.

 

You made a commitment in public and before God, 'til death do us part. Your only option should be to work through this.

 

I would recommend you try reading the book about Fireproof Marriages. The first thing you need to do though is remind yourself that divorce is NOT an option, if you truly meant what you said in your marriage vows. And if you didn't mean it, then shame on you.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Stace, obviously you're passionate about this, but a stern "shame on you" is a bit harsh. I guess you would have the same message for me since after 8 years of marriage I've begun considering divorce because my wife recently informed me she's never enjoyed sex, she doesn't put any effort into it when we have sex 3 times a year, can't communicate her feelings, doesn't think there's anything wrong with her view that sex is unimportant, doesn't reciprocate affection, and has no desire to change unless it's under the threat of me leaving her with the kids and the embarrassment of divorce.

 

Do you think my wife was like that when I married her and made those vows? No, she wasn't! I wouldn't have made the commitment had I known I'd lose my wife's interest as soon as we had our first kid 2 years into the marriage.

 

So stop throwing stones from your glass house. It sounds as if this OP is making genuine efforts to remain in the marriage, but it takes 2 to make a good marriage. You can't expect someone to remain married if their partner has no desire or is unwilling to try to improve it.

[stace79]

So stop throwing stones from your glass house. It sounds as if this OP is making genuine efforts to remain in the marriage, but it takes 2 to make a good marriage. You can't expect someone to remain married if their partner has no desire or is unwilling to try to improve it.

 

You are right about this part, and I will wholeheartedly agree here. But I think this is why we MUST find someone with the same values as us before we get married.

 

Knowing how i feel about marriage, I have to find the man who believes, same as I do, that marriage is for life, that cheating under no circumstances is acceptable and that divorce is not an option. And he has to believe that way not because I do and he wants to give me what he needs, but because he holds himself personally accountable to a higher moral standard.

 

If I found someone like that, I would know that he would always have a desire and be willing to try to improve it.

 

So many people seem to think that love is something you feel, and it's either there or it isn't. Love is the things you do, the choices you make and the sacrifices made because you have committed your life to someone else and because that commitment means something to you.

 

I feel for you, knowing that you are willing to work on your R but your STBXW is not. My mother was not happy in her marriage to my dad for years, but b/c she has moral and ethical conviction, and she made the commitment "'til death do us part" in front of God, she stuck out her marriage and they're going on 43 years in August.

[Spark1111]

Whatever works! Use whatever works to improve the relationship! We ALL think love is a feeling that just sustains itself forver.

 

There are stages ALL relationships go through, and studying the most successful ones can help you have one too!

 

Hats off to you! It DOESN't just happen; it requires effort and tools. You realize that, so that makes you one of the lucky ones already.

[Samantha0905]

Apologies if this comes across as rude or blunt, but you should have thought about all these things BEFORE you married this man.

 

You made a commitment in public and before God, 'til death do us part. Your only option should be to work through this.

 

I would recommend you try reading the book about Fireproof Marriages. The first thing you need to do though is remind yourself that divorce is NOT an option, if you truly meant what you said in your marriage vows. And if you didn't mean it, then shame on you.

 

Stace, obviously you're passionate about this, but a stern "shame on you" is a bit harsh. I guess you would have the same message for me since after 8 years of marriage I've begun considering divorce because my wife recently informed me she's never enjoyed sex, she doesn't put any effort into it when we have sex 3 times a year, can't communicate her feelings, doesn't think there's anything wrong with her view that sex is unimportant, doesn't reciprocate affection, and has no desire to change unless it's under the threat of me leaving her with the kids and the embarrassment of divorce.

 

Do you think my wife was like that when I married her and made those vows? No, she wasn't! I wouldn't have made the commitment had I known I'd lose my wife's interest as soon as we had our first kid 2 years into the marriage.

 

So stop throwing stones from your glass house. It sounds as if this OP is making genuine efforts to remain in the marriage, but it takes 2 to make a good marriage. You can't expect someone to remain married if their partner has no desire or is unwilling to try to improve it.

 

 

Life isn't perfect Stace. Sometimes we make decisions and have difficulty with them later. I've been married 28 years and dated him six years before that. I married at 21 years old. There are a whole lot of things you don't think about when getting married at 21 years old. There are many things you can't possibly think out because you don't know what the future holds and how you may change as a person through the years.

 

For what it's worth, I did marry someone that shared my values -- we both are Christians. Sharing values with someone does not guarantee you will grow in the same directions throughout life. There will be hard times and I don't know many couples who are NEVER tempted by the fruit of another -- throughout life.

 

Even if you find this person who feels like you, it is no guarantee you will always share those same thoughts and feelings. Even if you do, sometimes people falter.

 

It does seem like you are throwing stones from your glass house.

 

That being said, it's easy to give words of advice to others when you're not in their particular situation. Words are easy. A long term relationship will go through many ups and downs. Only each person individually knows their own thoughts and actions completely, so it's really not even that convincing to assume someone else has "stuck with it" and never had an affair. Not everyone runs around and announces it or is found out. I sure wouldn't run to tell my children.

 

To the OP, I've not heard of Divorce Busters but it sounds interesting. I hope it works for you. I too am loathe counselors and certainly am not happy not enjoying sex with my spouse. I do love him very much though and hold out hope things will get better if we both make the effort to ensure that happens.

 

I don't think it's necessary to tell your husband about your feelings for the other man. It truly serves no purpose. If you want to work on your marriage, do just that and I hope things get better for you.

[stace79]

I guess my issue then is why get married? Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's a commitment before God and family. If it really doesn't mean anything, then why bother? Why not just be in a "committed" long-term relationship? Because that's what the marriages you guys are talking about really are.

[vestigalvirgin]

Awakened, your original post is confusing to me.

 

I don't see anything in there, in particular, that you find unsatisfactory about your husband, so I'm not clear why you feel your marriage to be a sham.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Sorry OP for hijacking the thread, this is my last post doing so.

 

Stace, because we get married with the best of intentions, in love with the other person, thinking it will last for a lifetime. I know at my wedding I had no thought of ever even considering divorcing my wife. I loved her and I was taking the commitment serious. But I was 23 and really had no idea how challenging marriage would be - I adjust had faith that everything would work out and we'd be happy forever.

 

I gather you've never been married, so don't you think it's a little arrogant to be judging other people's decisions regarding their marriages when you've yet to experience marriage and its challenges first hand?

 

Divorce is a very serious topic and I don't think you'll find any of us on loveshack taking it lightly. Marriage shouldn't be treated like cars that you drive until you're tired of them and want something new and exciting, but marriage also shouldn't be a life prison sentence if both people are better off separating and finding a better life partner. You sound stubborn, so I'm not going to spend too much more energy debating a losing battle with you.

[vestigalvirgin]

I looked back in your first post at love shack which indicates a sexual dysfunction problem on the part of your h which preceded getting married to him.

 

If you have given it nine years and things aren't still resolve maybe it is time to think about jumping ship.

[stace79]

Sorry OP for hijacking the thread, this is my last post doing so.

 

Stace, because we get married with the best of intentions, in love with the other person, thinking it will last for a lifetime. I know at my wedding I had no thought of ever even considering divorcing my wife. I loved her and I was taking the commitment serious. But I was 23 and really had no idea how challenging marriage would be - I adjust had faith that everything would work out and we'd be happy forever.

 

I gather you've never been married, so don't you think it's a little arrogant to be judging other people's decisions regarding their marriages when you've yet to experience marriage and its challenges first hand?

 

Divorce is a very serious topic and I don't think you'll find any of us on loveshack taking it lightly. Marriage shouldn't be treated like cars that you drive until you're tired of them and want something new and exciting, but marriage also shouldn't be a life prison sentence if both people are better off separating and finding a better life partner. You sound stubborn, so I'm not going to spend too much more energy debating a losing battle with you.

 

I haven't gotten married, but I was engaged to be and called it off -- twice -- b/c of some serious concerns.

 

Maybe there should be a new law requiring that you be at least 25 before you can get a marriage license. B/c personally I think there is no way anyone can know themselves well enough to logically enter a marriage with someone else.

[Married_and_Lonely]

I looked back in your first post at love shack which indicates a sexual dysfunction problem on the part of your h which preceded getting married to him.

 

If you have given it nine years and things aren't still resolve maybe it is time to think about jumping ship.

 

Are you talking to me VV, I'm the h and the sexual dysfuntional one would be my W. Just wanted to clear that up.

[vestigalvirgin]

Are you talking to me VV, I'm the h and the sexual dysfuntional one would be my W. Just wanted to clear that up.

 

No I was talking to the Op awakened at last. The edit function would not let me change my prior post. Sorry about any confusion.

[confused1616]

Hi Awakened - I just wanted to say thank you so much for your post. I am going through nearly the same thing. Been with hubby for 10 years, married the last 2 1/2. Sex was never very good, and I now find my self thinking a lot about another man. I have resolved to get over it and know that the other man will never happen. I have never heard of divorce busters, but will check them out. I am so sad lately that it is nice to know there is hope.

[califnan]

 

Forgiveness, unconditional love, change myself instead of trying to change him...

 

 

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Sounds like good approaches. "change myself instead of trying to change him" .. I think as you grow and enhance your life, it can take some of the burden off the marriage..

[LittleTiger]

So, tomorrow is our ninth wedding anniversary. I suppose that would be a good time to begin the changes necessary. So, I am going to try the 'fake it til you make it' approach. Forgiveness, unconditional love, change myself instead of trying to change him...

 

Anyone else tried this approach? What advice can you offer? Does this seem like a plan to you?

 

Thanks for anyone who made it through the ramble

 

I wish you the best of the luck with this awakenedatlast. It certainly is a plan, but whether it will work or not remains to be seen.

 

I am all for working on yourself first because, if you're lucky, that will change the dynamics of your relationship and things will improve. However, it takes two to make a marriage work and, while I don't know either of you, maybe it isn't really you who needs to change.

 

If one partner in a marriage becomes an alcoholic or a drug or porn addict and refuses to change, does that mean the other partner should change themselves and learn to accept that behaviour? And if you can achieve the necessary changes, will that lead to a healthy relationship?

 

I don't really know Divorce Busters but I am a big believer in trying everything before you give up so, 'Happy Anniversary', well done for making it this far and good luck with any changes you do make. I hope it works out well for you.

[LittleTiger]

I guess my issue then is why get married? Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's a commitment before God and family. If it really doesn't mean anything, then why bother? Why not just be in a "committed" long-term relationship? Because that's what the marriages you guys are talking about really are.

 

You remind me of myself 20 years ago stace79! Full of hope for the perfect marriage, a partner who shares all your values and will stand by your side through thick and thin until the last breath in their body. It's a lovely dream but it isn't reality.

 

Enjoy your beliefs while you still have them because, if you ever do find that person, there is a huge chance they will disappoint you - really HUGE!

 

People change as they get older, sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse, but they do change - always! If you're lucky they won't change in a way that becomes unacceptable to you and your values, if you're unlucky they will.

 

I'm pretty certain that the vast majority of people believe in their marriage vows when they make them but we are all flawed human beings. I'm sure you are a lovely person stace, but you (and your future spouse - if you're ever lucky enough to find someone who lives up to your expectations) are not perfect and life has a nasty way of going a little off the rails sometimes.

[califnan]

 

If one partner in a marriage becomes an alcoholic or a drug or porn addict and refuses to change, does that mean the other partner should change themselves and learn to accept that behaviour? And if you can achieve the necessary changes, will that lead to a healthy relationship?

 

.

 

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No. But I think if the unhappy partner enhances/grows with her life, the strengthening releases her from the oppression of an unhappy marriage, and hopefully greater chance for her partner to change his role as well.. Then comes the re-evaluating the marriage relationship..

[LittleTiger]

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No. But I think if the unhappy partner enhances/grows with her life, the strengthening releases her from the oppression of an unhappy marriage, and hopefully greater chance for her partner to change his role as well.. Then comes the re-evaluating the marriage relationship..

 

Well, speaking from experience, I did just this and my husband made it very clear that he had no intention of working on himself or changing in any way - I opened myself up to loving him fully again, warts and all, and he decided he wanted out!!!

[Woggle]

Eventually you will leave him so why delay the inevitable. Just be fair in the divorce and let him live a good life after you split. Just get it over with instead of prolonging the pain.

[califnan]

Well, speaking from experience, I did just this and my husband made it very clear that he had no intention of working on himself or changing in any way - I opened myself up to loving him fully again, warts and all, and he decided he wanted out!!!

 

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I don't know your situation.. but in my situation - my husband left because he had someone else..

 

I am speaking to the spouse who wishes to save her marriage, and assuming there is no one else (but the two of them) in the marriage..

[LittleTiger]

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I don't know your situation.. but in my situation - my husband left because he had someone else..

 

I am speaking to the spouse who wishes to save her marriage, and assuming there is no one else (but the two of them) in the marriage..

 

Yes, so am I. There was nobody else involved in my marriage break up. Just giving the op the benefit of my experience. I did what she's suggesting and it didn't work. I hope things work out differently in her case.

[kevinconner]

Responding to OP:

 

Before I respond I will say that I share many of the thoughts and feelings you have.

 

- Get rid of the counselor and find another. You are going in circles with this person and you can do better. You need to find a therapist who first puts divorce on the table as an option, and then helps you work through all the issues you yourself bring to the table so you can decide if it is you, or the marriage that is the issue.

 

- Your resentment and anger from all those years revolves around you not being able to stand up for yourself. And communicate. You need to set up boundries, and stick to them. If H crosses the line, do not just let him move the line back so he can cross it again.

 

- What you describe is an escape affair or a split self affair. Read up on them to learn more about why you want to roll in the sheets with this boy toy.

 

- One thing that will surprise you is that with any affair, you are going to find out you really are a piece of work. That indeed, there are thousands of strings holding you together with H that you don't see. And in an affair, the issues you have with trust and giving 100% emotional surrender will still be there. This is why you can take all the time in the world to work on yourself first before you think any harder about D. You may come out on the other side, fix yourself and then realize your marriage isn't the issue.

 

- Also, instead of reading up on the choice to divorce, really think hard and long about what D actually is. The sharing of the kids, the seeing your H with another woman, the seeing of your child call another woman their "mommy", the lowered income, the apartment. All of it. If this sits well with you then that is another thing, but its a huge eye opener.

 

Remember this. You only need to forgive. Nobody is expecting you to forget. This will soothe the resentment more ways than anything else.

 

And one last thing. Put yourself in the shoes of H more often and try to focus on the things that are right with the marriage, instead of what is wrong. For me, one thing I did with regards to the sex issues and lack of chemistry is to think what if it was me, say I got in a horrible car accident and lost and arm or something. My W would stick by me no matter what. Boy toy? He wouldn't. Are you prepared to be 100% alone and not attractive to any more men?

[bayouboi]

Well at least you have the excuse of being the weaker sex, so you should probably consider walking out on your commitment to your husband and children and go do whatever you think will make you happy until the next time you start feeling this way again.