What do you think about Divorce Busters?

[stace79]

Responding to OP:

 

Before I respond I will say that I share many of the thoughts and feelings you have.

 

- Get rid of the counselor and find another. You are going in circles with this person and you can do better. You need to find a therapist who first puts divorce on the table as an option, and then helps you work through all the issues you yourself bring to the table so you can decide if it is you, or the marriage that is the issue.

 

- Your resentment and anger from all those years revolves around you not being able to stand up for yourself. And communicate. You need to set up boundries, and stick to them. If H crosses the line, do not just let him move the line back so he can cross it again.

 

- What you describe is an escape affair or a split self affair. Read up on them to learn more about why you want to roll in the sheets with this boy toy.

 

- One thing that will surprise you is that with any affair, you are going to find out you really are a piece of work. That indeed, there are thousands of strings holding you together with H that you don't see. And in an affair, the issues you have with trust and giving 100% emotional surrender will still be there. This is why you can take all the time in the world to work on yourself first before you think any harder about D. You may come out on the other side, fix yourself and then realize your marriage isn't the issue.

 

- Also, instead of reading up on the choice to divorce, really think hard and long about what D actually is. The sharing of the kids, the seeing your H with another woman, the seeing of your child call another woman their "mommy", the lowered income, the apartment. All of it. If this sits well with you then that is another thing, but its a huge eye opener.

 

Remember this. You only need to forgive. Nobody is expecting you to forget. This will soothe the resentment more ways than anything else.

 

And one last thing. Put yourself in the shoes of H more often and try to focus on the things that are right with the marriage, instead of what is wrong. For me, one thing I did with regards to the sex issues and lack of chemistry is to think what if it was me, say I got in a horrible car accident and lost and arm or something. My W would stick by me no matter what. Boy toy? He wouldn't. Are you prepared to be 100% alone and not attractive to any more men?

 

This was a great reply and one I will use to evaluate my own relationship.

[reddog63]

I haven't gotten married, but I was engaged to be and called it off -- twice -- b/c of some serious concerns.

 

Maybe there should be a new law requiring that you be at least 25 before you can get a marriage license. B/c personally I think there is no way anyone can know themselves well enough to logically enter a marriage with someone else.

 

Stace79, I have read several of your post lately and I will agree with other posters who can write much better then I. You do come across as naive and arrogant on the subject. I guess I could say idealistic as opposed to realistic.

 

You have your heart in the right place, of course all should enter marriage with the idea of staying married. And I can not find the post but I do not believe I heard an answer. Say you find the person who agrees with you that marriage should last a life time. You both seem to be on the same wavelength. But as time goes by, he does not meet your needs. Maybe he starts drinking, or makes terrible financial decisions, or is a workaholic, or gets verbally abusive.............I could go on with many realistic problems. Are you saying here that you would not get divorced?

[stace79]

Stace79, I have read several of your post lately and I will agree with other posters who can write much better then I. You do come across as naive and arrogant on the subject. I guess I could say idealistic as opposed to realistic.

 

You have your heart in the right place, of course all should enter marriage with the idea of staying married. And I can not find the post but I do not believe I heard an answer. Say you find the person who agrees with you that marriage should last a life time. You both seem to be on the same wavelength. But as time goes by, he does not meet your needs. Maybe he starts drinking, or makes terrible financial decisions, or is a workaholic, or gets verbally abusive.............I could go on with many realistic problems. Are you saying here that you would not get divorced?

 

If you've read all my posts you would know that as a Christian the acceptable reasons for divorce in the eyes of God are abuse and adultery. Abuse includes emotional -- so an addiction that hurts the family would suffice. Also, incest would suffice as well.

 

However, I think the point is that if I find someone who shares my belief in marriage, he will probably also have a strong moral code and solid ethics. When someone has a solid foundation morally and ethically, I think the odds of him later on turning into a raging alcoholic or becoming horribly financially irresponsible are much lower.

 

Additionally, in the case of alcoholism or workaholism, I think it would be important as his spouse to first try to help him. However, if he was uninterested in getting help and continued to emotional abuse me and/or our children, then I believe a divorce would be acceptable.

[xxoo]

If you've read all my posts you would know that as a Christian the acceptable reasons for divorce in the eyes of God are abuse and adultery. Abuse includes emotional -- so an addiction that hurts the family would suffice. Also, incest would suffice as well.

 

However, I think the point is that if I find someone who shares my belief in marriage, he will probably also have a strong moral code and solid ethics. When someone has a solid foundation morally and ethically, I think the odds of him later on turning into a raging alcoholic or becoming horribly financially irresponsible are much lower.

 

I wish you the best, stace, but the bolded is an unsupported assumption. Christian "forever" marriages have their fair share of abuse and adultery--possibly more than their fair share.

 

You just can't know until you've walked in another's shoes....

[stace79]

I wish you the best, stace, but the bolded is an unsupported assumption. Christian "forever" marriages have their fair share of abuse and adultery--possibly more than their fair share.

 

You just can't know until you've walked in another's shoes....

 

Because they are not true Christian marriages between people who walk what they talk.

[xxoo]

Because they are not true Christian marriages between people who walk what they talk.

 

They are humans, first and foremost. True Christians never sin? Of course they do.

[stace79]

They are humans, first and foremost. True Christians never sin? Of course they do.

 

Yes, but if you're living every day as God/the Bible instructs, you're far less likely to become habitually abusive to your spouse or carry on an indefinite A.

[Woggle]

Religion has nothing at all to do with it. What matters is your character and personality.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Yes, but if you're living every day as God/the Bible instructs, you're far less likely to become habitually abusive to your spouse or carry on an indefinite A.

 

Fine. Don't bother listening to any of these well-intentioned people with loads of experience. You seem to have it all figured out.

 

You came on here asking for people's opinions about marriage and if your view was unusual and people have said it is - but all you've done is try to discount the views that differ from your own. Why exactly did you come on here? to be pat on the back for your "stick-it-out no matter what" mentality? Sorry to be harsh, but your stubbornness is frustrating me.

[stace79]

Fine. Don't bother listening to any of these well-intentioned people with loads of experience. You seem to have it all figured out.

 

You came on here asking for people's opinions about marriage and if your view was unusual and people have said it is - but all you've done is try to discount the views that differ from your own. Why exactly did you come on here? to be pat on the back for your "stick-it-out no matter what" mentality? Sorry to be harsh, but your stubbornness is frustrating me.

 

This wasn't my original post. I am interested in other people's opinions, but when it comes to marriage, I think you're wrong unless you get married for life (barring the circumstances I listed previously -- abuse and adultery). I think if you got married, and nothing significant changed but all of a sudden you're "unhappy" that you should suck it up and work at it.

 

Besides, happiness comes from within, not from your marriage. Your marriage doesn't make you happy or unhappy. It's how you react to the fluid situation. Yes, you and your spouse might change. But it's up to the two of you to work together to make it the best it can be.

 

And it's also up to us to know our potential spouse's feelings, to ensure THEY will also work with us (i.e. counseling if necessary).

[GorillaTheater]

I think you're wrong unless you get married for life (barring the circumstances I listed previously -- abuse and adultery). I think if you got married, and nothing significant changed but all of a sudden you're "unhappy" that you should suck it up and work at it.

 

Besides, happiness comes from within, not from your marriage. Your marriage doesn't make you happy or unhappy. It's how you react to the fluid situation. Yes, you and your spouse might change. But it's up to the two of you to work together to make it the best it can be.

 

Speaking as a guy who's been married for over 26 years, this is very true and a healthy outlook, especially the part about not depending on others for our happiness. That's too large a burden to place on anyone else.

[giotto]

how can you fix your marriage if you are still in love with this other guy? Maybe you should have a trial separation with your husband and you should tell him about this other guy... it's not fair on him. Only by coming totally clean you'll be able to put your EA behind you...

[SummerLady]

Apologies if this comes across as rude or blunt, but you should have thought about all these things BEFORE you married this man.

 

You made a commitment in public and before God, 'til death do us part. Your only option should be to work through this.

 

I would recommend you try reading the book about Fireproof Marriages. The first thing you need to do though is remind yourself that divorce is NOT an option, if you truly meant what you said in your marriage vows. And if you didn't mean it, then shame on you.

 

 

It was nice to apologize as your post is more rude than blunt. Many of us get married with the best of intentions. Some do not take the idea of marriage and the serious commitment into consideration. Some make bad choices, some should never be married at all. Some are immature and some of course are happy forever with their chosen spouse. With that said no one should feel stuck in a relationship if they have been abused or mistreated AND OR feel the relationship is not for them. This is not a cult, its a choice. Religion has ZERO to do with it. It has to do with the 2 parties involved and their individual commitment. Your thinking is narrow and offensive at best. Ignornance is not bliss, just an FYI...

[Deanster]

To the OP - the divorce-busting approach seems helpful. Very action-oriented, which i appreciate.

 

To stace79 - your words are rude beyond belief. People come here for help, not to have your morals thrust upon them as a demand, and in particular demanding that they have done a better job of making an impossible judgment many years ago.I

 

n a 'perfect' world, where people and circumstances are static, choosing someone forever would be a tall order.

 

In our very imperfect world, where we change, grow, and have complex needs, your posts read as if you're reading the rules for life off a piece of paper.

 

I wish you the very best of luck living as you desire, but I'll say that you likely have some serious disappointments ahead, as both you and others around you fail to live up to your impossible standards.

[awakenedatlast]

I wanted to come and say thank you to all those who responded, especially those who obviously took the time to really give constructive advice: kevinconnor's message for example really struck a chord, as did others.

 

Stace, if you're reading this, no hard feelings! I was a bit like you when I was younger, not in the Christian stance, more in a (and I don't mean for this to sound condescending) naive and hopeful way. As others said, in spite of your moral values, best intentions and best efforts, sometimes things are really, really tough. I can see that having (sharing) a strong faith would help a lot in times of trouble, but I don't think it would ever be a fail safe. That said, I do admire you for putting so much thought into what the committment of marriage really does entail since, as others have said here, we don't all go into it like that. Some blinded by love, others just naive, others for (often unconscious) needy, selfish reasons... You definitely won't be going into it with your eyes closed, and that is a good thing.

 

So, anyway, I bought Divorce Busters and a couple of other books by Michele Weiner-Davis which I haven't finished yet, plus Five Love Languages (author's name escapes me at the moment). I read the last of these first and would highly recommend it, ditto Divorce Busting. I'm only six weeks in but already there have been positive changes. I am not saying I am blissfully happy and head over heels with my husband, but there is a definite improvement. As one of those who replied said, having the right tools is so important.

 

I don't know what's going to happen three months down the line, let alone three years. Maybe as Woggle said, I 'll end up leaving anyway. What I do know is I am not just going to 'let' that happen, drift into it feeling helpless about it all. I am hoping it won't come to that. I am working hard on changing me and am seeing some positive effects on my relationship. I still have bad days when I still feel resentful about stuff and feel that it's me that seems to be making more of an effort to fix things, but hey ho, better that than things just getting worse...

 

Thanks again for your support and encouragement, it helped a lot.

 

!!! Got the book name wrong: It was The Divorce Remedy

Edited August 27, 2010 by awakenedatlast
typos

[keane2010]

If you've read all my posts you would know that as a Christian the acceptable reasons for divorce in the eyes of God are abuse and adultery. Abuse includes emotional -- so an addiction that hurts the family would suffice. Also, incest would suffice as well.

 

However, I think the point is that if I find someone who shares my belief in marriage, he will probably also have a strong moral code and solid ethics. When someone has a solid foundation morally and ethically, I think the odds of him later on turning into a raging alcoholic or becoming horribly financially irresponsible are much lower.

 

Additionally, in the case of alcoholism or workaholism, I think it would be important as his spouse to first try to help him. However, if he was uninterested in getting help and continued to emotional abuse me and/or our children, then I believe a divorce would be acceptable.

 

I think you should qualify the statement that ' as a Christian the acceptable ...' to 'as a Christian who has never considered the bible in the context it was written the acceptable... '

 

At the time that the sayings you are referring to in the bible were made, divorce was popularly considered acceptable for any reason the husband deemed necessary, yet the wife had almost no sayso. Jesus was scolding people for this casual belief, reminding them of the old testament, when marriage was more of a covenant.

 

As a Christian, it bothers me to see so many people take views that make the rest of the world think we're sadistic or something.

 

I'm not divorced, and have been married for 22 years. My wife suffers from emotional issues and has tried to get help. She's committed and does the best she can. When I looked at the teachings in the context they were spoken, I'm not sure its fair for someone whose never been there to pass judgement.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Keep up the good work, OP!

 

Divorce remedy for me, was such an eye opening read. Changing perspecitve is a great way to improve your relationship. Oddly enough when you come around to an improved way of thinking, and stand your ground, your spouse will too...

 

Good Luck!

[finding_serenity]

I wish you the best of the luck with this awakenedatlast. It certainly is a plan, but whether it will work or not remains to be seen.

 

I am all for working on yourself first because, if you're lucky, that will change the dynamics of your relationship and things will improve. However, it takes two to make a marriage work and, while I don't know either of you, maybe it isn't really you who needs to change.

 

If one partner in a marriage becomes an alcoholic or a drug or porn addict and refuses to change, does that mean the other partner should change themselves and learn to accept that behaviour? And if you can achieve the necessary changes, will that lead to a healthy relationship?

 

I don't really know Divorce Busters but I am a big believer in trying everything before you give up so, 'Happy Anniversary', well done for making it this far and good luck with any changes you do make. I hope it works out well for you.

 

my H is alcohol dependent and chain smoker and wouldnt change nor try to change,we have a baby boy and i dont want him to grow up loke his dad. my H dad is alcoholic and chain smoker too.