honesty

[hopesndreams]

For all those former OW/OM have you told or will you tell the next person you're dating that you were once involved with someone that was married? When would this tidbit of information come out? Do you tell right off the bat? Do you wait for them to ask you outright? Or, is it kept a secret?

[Confused4Now]

For all those former OW/OM have you told or will you tell the next person you're dating that you were once involved with someone that was married? When would this tidbit of information come out? Do you tell right off the bat? Do you wait for them to ask you outright? Or, is it kept a secret?

Hmmmmm good question....I would have to say yes I would... cause knowing my ex wife she would say something about it. I have a 14 year old daughter and my interaction with my ex is still such that we do the co-parenting thing and some point whoever I'm with will have some interaction with her.

 

I would minimize the details and say that it was a exit affair as it is a true statement. Not to mention my ex has never seen me with anyone in 2 years she still hasn't dealt with that part either. So I'm sure I'll see the anger again.

[sadintexas]

I haven't been faced with that yet, but my feelings on it are if the question is asked specifically, then I would tell. If the situation warranted disclosing the information, I would tell. I'm not proud of having been an OW (I was single though so it might change the relevance a bit), but I won't outright lie about it (although it would be lying by omission to a certain degree), but I won't shout it from the rooftops either.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm disappointed that the relationship with exMM came about in the circs it did, but I'm a very open person and think that relationships and experiences help to shape/guide us. The relationship with exMM appears (at today) to have been very significant in my life so if someone I cared about wanted to hear about it, I'd be 100% honest. But it wouldn't be my opening line on a first date, and I certainly wouldn't brag about it (or any other relationships I've had).

[jj33]

I almost never talk about exes to new people other than to the extent its significant for some reason.

 

Im not sure why I would? We never really lived together in the traditional sense. We werent married or engaged so ?? The only way I could see it coming up would be if someone asked who was the last person you dated, how long did it last why did it end?

 

I would definitely minimize it and Im not sure if I would tell at all other than to account for the time. I think I would probably say it was a messy situation, and why did it end, we didnt want the same things. I would also be vague about what he does etc to protect his identity.

 

If someone asked me outright if I had ever been involved with someone who was married, I would admit that but I wouldnt pin myself down on the details. Its nobody's business.

 

And someone who is going to judge me because of it isnt someone I should be involved with anyway.

 

Im all for honesty in relationships but I dont believe in "baring all confessionals" if it doesnt serve some purpose or tell someone something significant that they need to know about who you are.

 

A year ago I was still hurting so much that I would have said yes I need to tell it was a lifechanging experience for me.

 

Now I just chalk it up as a mistake. Ive had lots of relationships that were mistakes I certainly wouldnt make whoever it is sit through the long list.

 

Actually thinking about it, I have already edited it out to a large extent. I refer to someone pre xMM as "my ex" and I edit out the past few years saying i was dating but didnt meet anyone special during that time. I think I am going to stick with that.

Edited July 6, 2010 by jj33

[Mombot]

I don't think new relationships really need to hear about ex's- I always find with men the less you tell the better. It opens the door to too many questions.

[hopesndreams]

Hmmmmm good question....I would have to say yes I would... cause knowing my ex wife she would say something about it. I have a 14 year old daughter and my interaction with my ex is still such that we do the co-parenting thing and some point whoever I'm with will have some interaction with her.

 

I would minimize the details and say that it was a exit affair as it is a true statement. Not to mention my ex has never seen me with anyone in 2 years she still hasn't dealt with that part either. So I'm sure I'll see the anger again.

 

You would only tell because you would get found out anyway? Don't you think she deserves to know regardless of someone ratting on you or not so that she could make the decision, early on in the R, on whether or not to continue seeing you?

 

Do you really believe that it being an exit affair means it isn't as bad as say, a "love" affair?

[hopesndreams]

I haven't been faced with that yet, but my feelings on it are if the question is asked specifically, then I would tell. If the situation warranted disclosing the information, I would tell. I'm not proud of having been an OW (I was single though so it might change the relevance a bit), but I won't outright lie about it (although it would be lying by omission to a certain degree), but I won't shout it from the rooftops either.

 

So, it's a don't ask, don't tell policy? I don't think you being single changes the relevance of it.

[hopesndreams]

I'm disappointed that the relationship with exMM came about in the circs it did, but I'm a very open person and think that relationships and experiences help to shape/guide us. The relationship with exMM appears (at today) to have been very significant in my life so if someone I cared about wanted to hear about it, I'd be 100% honest. But it wouldn't be my opening line on a first date, and I certainly wouldn't brag about it (or any other relationships I've had).

 

When would be the time to be 100% honest about it? Would you volunteer this information or wait to be asked?

[jj33]

I agree Mombot. I think they only really want to know you arent stuck on any of your exes and that you dont trash them and that you dont say anything that shows you are a psycho. Other than that they may think they want to know, but really they dont.

[hopesndreams]

I almost never talk about exes to new people other than to the extent its significant for some reason.

 

Im not sure why I would? We never really lived together in the traditional sense. We werent married or engaged so ?? The only way I could see it coming up would be if someone asked who was the last person you dated, how long did it last why did it end?

 

I would definitely minimize it and Im not sure if I would tell at all other than to account for the time. I think I would probably say it was a messy situation, and why did it end, we didnt want the same things. I would also be vague about what he does etc to protect his identity.

 

If someone asked me outright if I had ever been involved with someone who was married, I would admit that but I wouldnt pin myself down on the details. Its nobody's business.

 

And someone who is going to judge me because of it isnt someone I should be involved with anyway.

 

Im all for honesty in relationships but I dont believe in "baring all confessionals" if it doesnt serve some purpose or tell someone something significant that they need to know about who you are.

 

A year ago I was still hurting so much that I would have said yes I need to tell it was a lifechanging experience for me.

 

Now I just chalk it up as a mistake. Ive had lots of relationships that were mistakes I certainly wouldnt make whoever it is sit through the long list.

 

Actually thinking about it, I have already edited it out to a large extent. I refer to someone pre xMM as "my ex" and I edit out the past few years saying i was dating but didnt meet anyone special during that time. I think I am going to stick with that.

 

I wouldn't blame you for not baring all the details. I think a simple yes or no answer would suffice and then to leave it at that.

[hopesndreams]

I don't think new relationships really need to hear about ex's- I always find with men the less you tell the better. It opens the door to too many questions.

 

Seriously?

[fooled once]

For all those former OW/OM have you told or will you tell the next person you're dating that you were once involved with someone that was married? When would this tidbit of information come out? Do you tell right off the bat? Do you wait for them to ask you outright? Or, is it kept a secret?

 

I told my next boyfriend - who is now my husband - pretty early on. Since I had been hurt, I wanted him to know why I had gotten hurt (listening and believing a liar) and that he would be unfortunately dealing with the fall out from that.... as in I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, per say, with him.

 

But :love::love: he proved to be the man he said he was. He walked the walk and talked the talked. I was ashamed of my behavior, but I also owned what I did. He never gave it a second thought and had no problem telling the MM off when we returned from our honeymoon and I had an email from him, professing his love and asking if I would give him another chance (hadn't heard from him in months prior to this). He got the message, loud and clear!

[Confused4Now]

You would only tell because you would get found out anyway? Don't you think she deserves to know regardless of someone ratting on you or not so that she could make the decision, early on in the R, on whether or not to continue seeing you?

 

Do you really believe that it being an exit affair means it isn't as bad as say, a "love" affair?

Actually no it wouldn't change my mind..I would disclose regardless I just made that statement cause I know how my exW is but the biggest thing here is I don't have to lie anymore. Living a lie for 4 1/2 years was probably the hardest thing for me to do. Not to mention 21 years of marriage. So I'm not afraid to say anything anymore. What you see is what you get. Problem is I might be to blunt now....

[Fieldsofgold]

I told my next boyfriend - who is now my husband - pretty early on. Since I had been hurt, I wanted him to know why I had gotten hurt (listening and believing a liar) and that he would be unfortunately dealing with the fall out from that.... as in I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, per say, with him.

 

But :love::love: he proved to be the man he said he was. He walked the walk and talked the talked. I was ashamed of my behavior, but I also owned what I did. He never gave it a second thought and had no problem telling the MM off when we returned from our honeymoon and I had an email from him, professing his love and asking if I would give him another chance (hadn't heard from him in months prior to this). He got the message, loud and clear!

 

That is very cool.

[fooled once]

That is very cool.

 

 

Thanks Fields. I consider myself very lucky that I found a man who loves me to pieces and accepts me, faults and all. I feel so blessed to be his wife, to have him waiting for me each day when I get home (my commute is longer), waiting for me at the door with a kiss and a "welcome home". I would go through all the pain and heartache again with the MM if the end result is what I have now...my H is so worth that. Reading on here helps me so much because it makes me realize how truly precious life/love/marriage is and how each day is a work in progress and not to be taken for granted.

[hopesndreams]

I told my next boyfriend - who is now my husband - pretty early on. Since I had been hurt, I wanted him to know why I had gotten hurt (listening and believing a liar) and that he would be unfortunately dealing with the fall out from that.... as in I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, per say, with him.

 

But :love::love: he proved to be the man he said he was. He walked the walk and talked the talked. I was ashamed of my behavior, but I also owned what I did. He never gave it a second thought and had no problem telling the MM off when we returned from our honeymoon and I had an email from him, professing his love and asking if I would give him another chance (hadn't heard from him in months prior to this). He got the message, loud and clear!

 

Do you think your bf, your now H, would have been so understanding if he had been cheated on by someone he had loved before meeting you?

[Confused4Now]

I told my next boyfriend - who is now my husband - pretty early on. Since I had been hurt, I wanted him to know why I had gotten hurt (listening and believing a liar) and that he would be unfortunately dealing with the fall out from that.... as in I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, per say, with him.

 

But :love::love: he proved to be the man he said he was. He walked the walk and talked the talked. I was ashamed of my behavior, but I also owned what I did. He never gave it a second thought and had no problem telling the MM off when we returned from our honeymoon and I had an email from him, professing his love and asking if I would give him another chance (hadn't heard from him in months prior to this). He got the message, loud and clear!

I'm looking forward to the day when this happens for me....of course I want to be married to a woman...heeeheee:love::love:

[Fieldsofgold]

Do you think your bf, your now H, would have been so understanding if he had been cheated on by someone he had loved before meeting you?

 

My H cheated on me, so I feel qualified to comment.

 

I don't think it is ever just black and white. I think for me, there are many factors to consider. I would consider how long ago the person was in an affair, maybe why the affair ended, but especially, most importantly, I would want to know what their view of affairs is now (and why). I would look at the person's overall value system and see how well it lines up with mine. I think that's much more important than whether the person has ever had an affair. But again, that's MY value system.

 

I believe people make mistakes. I believe people learn from their mistakes, sometimes. I believe people change. I've never knowingly been an OW, but I have done my fair share of things I wish I hadn't. I had a life-changing encounter along the way, and I am not at all the same person I was 30 years ago. Should I be condemned or judged for what I did back then? Should anyone? I don't think so. I believe in forgiveness and restoration. I think people should be valued for whom they are today, not what they were at some time in the past.

 

I will also say that I believe trust has to be earned. If I met someone who had recently been involved in something I viewed as bad, I would have a lot more questions, and there would have to be a time of proving before I would give them my trust.

 

That's how I view things.

[fooled once]

Do you think your bf, your now H, would have been so understanding if he had been cheated on by someone he had loved before meeting you?

 

I have no idea. He didn't judge me. He didn't run away going "ewww". He had been in an unhappy marriage which ended 3 years before we met. As far as he knows, his wife hadn't cheated on him. He loved her a lot. He has never said he didn't, he has never minimized his feelings for her. He was sad the marriage ended and he was sad she didn't reciprocate his feelings (which she has even said to me).

 

He was in another relationship between me and his divorce. He cared for her too. I know when he was younger, his high school sweetheart, cheated on him with his best friend. He was 18 years old and she broke his heart. It was his first love. So he has been cheated on. Did that make him more understanding? I have no idea. He accepted it and has never, ever brought it up as in "you are so stupid you dated a married man" or made any snide comments about it. He knows people aren't perfect. He knows I made a mistake. But he also knows that if I had not been in the position I was in after the affair ended, I never would have met him. Don't get me wrong, he isn't all "yeah, you had an affair".

 

Quite honestly, in the last 12+ years I don't recall him ever bringing it up - even when we have argued. We discussed it at the time we started dating and it was not brought up or discussed ever again to the best of my knowledge. It definitely isn't something I am proud of -- not at all.

[Fieldsofgold]

I'm looking forward to the day when this happens for me....of course I want to be married to a woman...heeeheee:love::love:

 

Well, see there, you're really not confused after all! (giggle)

[fooled once]

My H cheated on me, so I feel qualified to comment.

 

I don't think it is ever just black and white. I think for me, there are many factors to consider. I would consider how long ago the person was in an affair, maybe why the affair ended, but especially, most importantly, I would want to know what their view of affairs is now (and why). I would look at the person's overall value system and see how well it lines up with mine. I think that's much more important than whether the person has ever had an affair. But again, that's MY value system.

I believe people make mistakes. I believe people learn from their mistakes, sometimes. I believe people change. I've never knowingly been an OW, but I have done my fair share of things I wish I hadn't. I had a life-changing encounter along the way, and I am not at all the same person I was 30 years ago. Should I be condemned or judged for what I did back then? Should anyone? I don't think so. I believe in forgiveness and restoration. I think people should be valued for whom they are today, not what they were at some time in the past.

 

I will also say that I believe trust has to be earned. If I met someone who had recently been involved in something I viewed as bad, I would have a lot more questions, and there would have to be a time of proving before I would give them my trust.

 

That's how I view things.

 

Bold #1 - I agree! Excellent way to put it.

Bold & Italics -- I agree again. But I also think people use mistakes as crutches. I also think people knowingly staying in bad situations for extended periods of time and when called on it, go "Oh, I am not perfect, I make mistakes".

Bold #2 - I agree again I don't trust easily and I don't let just anyone into my life. I am a private person and those that I love, I LOVE THEM and sometimes, that hurts me more than words can express. If I don't like someone, more likely than not, that view doesn't change. My gut isn't usually wrong about someone

 

Great post Fields!

[sadintexas]

So, it's a don't ask, don't tell policy? I don't think you being single changes the relevance of it.

 

In brief summary that's a fair description. I wouldn't mind sharing it if it was relevant to the conversation. But I don't think it's something I "need" to disclose to someone just because.

[jthorne]

I debated about this- even posted on it a few months back. I really didn't want to tell him. I was ashamed, and afraid he would be ashamed of me. He asked why I would ever let anyone treat me like that, and that I must have really loved xMM to put up with all that. I told him that at the time, I thought it was love, but I've since found out that it wasn't. That wasn't the kind of love I wanted, that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be, and xMM wasn't either. He gave me a big bear hug and jokingly asked me if I wanted him to go kick xMM's a$$.

It's never been brought up since.

[Fieldsofgold]

I debated about this- even posted on it a few months back. I really didn't want to tell him. I was ashamed, and afraid he would be ashamed of me. He asked why I would ever let anyone treat me like that, and that I must have really loved xMM to put up with all that. I told him that at the time, I thought it was love, but I've since found out that it wasn't. That wasn't the kind of love I wanted, that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be, and xMM wasn't either. He gave me a big bear hug and jokingly asked me if I wanted him to go kick xMM's a$$.

It's never been brought up since.

 

Awww, that's really sweet.