honesty

[ComputerJock]

If I dated someone and they told me they cheated either as OW or WS I wouldn't have a second date...this has happened to me a few times. The worse was when she told me she was still married...I ran for the exit.

[Silly_Girl]

When would be the time to be 100% honest about it? Would you volunteer this information or wait to be asked?

 

It's a process isn't it, different each time around. Exes often get mentioned because of things you did or places you went etc. I feel the same about the fact I got married young and it didn't work out, or the fact I was a victim of abuse and cheating in my other significant relationship; it's relevant if I was getting in to a serious relationship, but I wouldn't sit and plot it out on date one. I imagine that I would volunteer the basics about xMM. How we split up (ultimatum issued by me after a relatively short space of time) might be something that comes up. I'm not a dyed-in-the-wool OW who would jump at the chance to boff a married guy in the future. I'm learning from what happened, IC is helping me to see things much more clearly. I don't believe I'm a bad person and if someone who cared for me STOPPED caring for me after I talked to them about xMM and I, I'd be of the opinion they didn't really care all that much and aren't the one for me.

[Lady vs Panda]

My current boyfriend is aware of the highlights and lowlights of my romantic history. I am always myself with him.

[Daniel89]

It's part of your past, and you obviously think it's a big thing if your asking advice on this. Just dont let your past and present mix, never goes too well.

[feckinghopeless]

So, it's a don't ask, don't tell policy? I don't think you being single changes the relevance of it.

 

I second sadintexas's feelings on the matter. Regardless of single status or not, but i do agree there is a bit of a difference, both for the better and the worse in fact. It's certainly doesn't excuse it. i'm not saying that, and i don't think she is either.

 

I'd be honest about it if i was asked but wouldn't feel the need to bring it up on a first date on the basis of 'disclosure'.. But that doesn't just apply because i was an OW, i've had plenty of rotten relationships that have left me with baggage and i wouldn't feel the need to tell him my life story straight off? I don't think it's fair to say that's a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, not in the sense that it was something i would dread him discovering. We all make mistakes and if for some reason i felt he needed to know the gory details, or he asked me about it - i'd be completely open about it.

 

Can i ask why you're asking? Are you deciding whether to tell someone new your involved with that you were once an OW? If so that can really only be your own decision. If it's because your seeing someone who you suspect used to be an OW/OM and they haven't told you about it, that's a slightly different matter. But i wouldn't think so terribly of them for not just coming right out with it? If it worries you though, you're certainly entitled to ask them.

 

Hope this is of some assistance at any rate?

 

Very best

 

FH

[oldguy]

I don't think I would tell someone until it looked like the relationship might progress past just "dating". Despite what many people think about "history". I think someones history is important in any committed relationship. We tend to share what we are proud of early in a relationship and hide what we are not, sometimes living under the fear that our partner will find out. I think discloser is an important part of a committed relationship. That is not to say I think intimate details of someones past is at all appropriate. I think that if someone wants a long term, honest relationship they should be honest. If your partner has issues with that it is best to address them early on. Two objections your partner might have could be; "legitimate" moral incompatibility, but much more common; insecurity issues. It any case I would want to know before hand and either work at resolving any potential problems or moving on.

 

I think a persons history is a good indicator of who we are, who we once where but in most cases how we've grown.

Edited July 7, 2010 by oldguy

[Hazyhead]

I dated after dday. Too soon after dday as it turned out. I was still emotionally a bit of a mess and I was honest about why, it wasn't going to go any further and I found it cleansing to get it out. Must have used him as a bit of a counselor! Not that that's healthy but I wouldn't hide anything about my past from someone I hope to share my life with. I wouldn't blurt it out straight away, but I would want him to know when it felt okay to share it.

[NoIDidn't]

My H cheated on me, so I feel qualified to comment.

 

I don't think it is ever just black and white. I think for me, there are many factors to consider. I would consider how long ago the person was in an affair, maybe why the affair ended, but especially, most importantly, I would want to know what their view of affairs is now (and why). I would look at the person's overall value system and see how well it lines up with mine. I think that's much more important than whether the person has ever had an affair. But again, that's MY value system.

 

I believe people make mistakes. I believe people learn from their mistakes, sometimes. I believe people change. I've never knowingly been an OW, but I have done my fair share of things I wish I hadn't. I had a life-changing encounter along the way, and I am not at all the same person I was 30 years ago. Should I be condemned or judged for what I did back then? Should anyone? I don't think so. I believe in forgiveness and restoration. I think people should be valued for whom they are today, not what they were at some time in the past.

 

I will also say that I believe trust has to be earned. If I met someone who had recently been involved in something I viewed as bad, I would have a lot more questions, and there would have to be a time of proving before I would give them my trust.

 

That's how I view things.

 

Really, REALLY good post. I have helped some cheat AND been cheated on and could not AGREE with you more.

 

My past has changed me, grown me. Its something I share freely, and those that would run away from me because of it are the ones losing out. And I feel similarly about any man that may have had such a past.

[her_halo_slipped]

For all those former OW/OM have you told or will you tell the next person you're dating that you were once involved with someone that was married? When would this tidbit of information come out? Do you tell right off the bat? Do you wait for them to ask you outright? Or, is it kept a secret?

 

At the risk of sounding like a very terrible person.....

I would keep it a secret.

For me it only happened once, it was a misjudgement on my part and I regret it. I have learned from it and I will never repeat it.

I don't think anyone else needs to know.

What would it achieve by telling?

[hopesndreams]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. I've come to the conclusion that anyone who has ever cheated or helped those to cheat, are liars. The only way to get them to admit to doing something so heinous are those that look for sympathy when telling their tale.

 

With the yes, I have cheated statistics being at an all time high because of the "me" generation, those that do not cheat, no matter what, are few and far between.

 

It would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

[silverplanets]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. I've come to the conclusion that anyone who has ever cheated or helped those to cheat, are liars. The only way to get them to admit to doing something so heinous are those that look for sympathy when telling their tale.

 

With the yes, I have cheated statistics being at an all time high because of the "me" generation, those that do not cheat, no matter what, are few and far between.

 

It would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

 

I do not love someone because they bear no scars from life

I love them precisely because they do

I love them because they are human,

I love them for the bad journeys they have taken, aswell as the good

 

I love them for the difficulties they have faced

I love them for the obstacles they have overcome

I love them for what they have learned and who they have become

I love them because they have a history, deep and long

 

I don't want an umblemished angel

I want a real person, who has been through the pain of life

Who has forged their deepest nature in the turmoil of life

and who stands confident and complete BECAUSE of their experiences

 

... but hey,

 

maybe that's just me !!!

 

:)

[pureinheart]

I agree Mombot. I think they only really want to know you arent stuck on any of your exes and that you dont trash them and that you dont say anything that shows you are a psycho. Other than that they may think they want to know, but really they dont.

 

I agree...if I'm asked or it comes up, then fine, other than that nope. Some men find it distasteful to talk about other R's, some see it as still wanting to be with the OP...personally, I'm tired of telling my whole life story, takes too long:)

[jthorne]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. I've come to the conclusion that anyone who has ever cheated or helped those to cheat, are liars. The only way to get them to admit to doing something so heinous are those that look for sympathy when telling their tale.

 

With the yes, I have cheated statistics being at an all time high because of the "me" generation, those that do not cheat, no matter what, are few and far between.

 

It would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Hmmm, I knew I would regret participating in this thread, just for the above reason. There are some things I did not disclose in my post because it was TMI, and frankly no one else's business. My apologies if I made it sound like it was an easy, happy discussion in which I was looking for sympathy. I can assure you, I definitely was not.

 

I happen to think that my SO at the time (who is now my husband), is a far better person than I am. In fact, every day I thank God for bringing him into my life, and wonder what I did to ever deserve him. I vow to be a person and a wife worthy of his love. I told him because I thought he deserved to know exactly who he was getting serious with. I had a high expectation that he might leave the relationship. He is a man of integrity, and expects that of others.

 

He is, however, a man that believes that the past is the past, and what makes a person is what they are now. He is someone that believes in atonement and redemption, and I am ever so thankful for that. But had he not been able to get over my past, I would know that he was a rather short-sighted person that could not see me for what I am: a person that can learn from mistakes, but is flawed just like everyone else. If he (or anyone else, for that matter) believed all I am is based upon one bad thing I did in my life, I would know that he was not the person for me. If I can ask for and receive forgiveness from the Lord, surely I could expect that from mere mortals, especially the one I love most in the world.

 

He is not perfect, and does not expect me to be. He loves me for what I am, from my scars all the way to my a ability to make a mean apple pie.

 

Think what you wish about us lowlife cheaters. What matters to me is the people I love. The tone of your post indicates to me that you subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. I've done my work on myself, and continue to do so. So for me, I know that the theory is simply not true.

[hopesndreams]

I wasn't singling you out jthorne.

 

You're remorseful and I've seen that with the posts you have written to help others.

 

You still look at it as "mistakes" that you have made and not bad choices. Fooling around with a married man is not a mistake. You chose to do it of your own free will.

 

I'm glad for you that you found a compassionate, forgiving man that loves you unconditionally. You are now married to a, by all accounts, a super guy. I was once married to a "super" guy too that ended up stomping on my heart and breaking it into a million pieces. He too, looks at his cheating, as a mistake. Now he is living with his mistakes with the same type of person as himself. Both cheaters. They were both married with families. Now they are both loving it up with a relationship built on sand and with the hurt and misery to others that they both participated in, freely.

 

With time, I may recover, and might be the type person who would/could/might forgive the transgression of those that chose to break up families with their selfish wants and desires. If not, o well.

[Silly_Girl]

I wasn't singling you out jthorne.

 

You're remorseful and I've seen that with the posts you have written to help others.

 

You still look at it as "mistakes" that you have made and not bad choices. Fooling around with a married man is not a mistake. You chose to do it of your own free will.

 

I'm glad for you that you found a compassionate, forgiving man that loves you unconditionally. You are now married to a, by all accounts, a super guy. I was once married to a "super" guy too that ended up stomping on my heart and breaking it into a million pieces. He too, looks at his cheating, as a mistake. Now he is living with his mistakes with the same type of person as himself. Both cheaters. They were both married with families. Now they are both loving it up with a relationship built on sand and with the hurt and misery to others that they both participated in, freely.

 

With time, I may recover, and might be the type person who would/could/might forgive the transgression of those that chose to break up families with their selfish wants and desires. If not, o well.

 

Is it not the outcome that sticks with you though? You appear resentful because of the bolded bits. Is it at all possible that had your H worked on himself, as many on LS have done, that he and you may have had the opportunity to go on and be happy together? That YOU may have been someone who could forgive and show compassion, no matter how very difficult and heartbreaking that would be?

[hopesndreams]

Is it not the outcome that sticks with you though? You appear resentful because of the bolded bits. Is it at all possible that had your H worked on himself, as many on LS have done, that he and you may have had the opportunity to go on and be happy together? That YOU may have been someone who could forgive and show compassion, no matter how very difficult and heartbreaking that would be?

 

I fully expected the outcome. He had a choice to make. He couldn't choose it, so I made the choice for him.

 

Resentful? What I feel, is hurt. Am still hurting.

 

Has he worked on himself? Highly doubtful. He was always the type of person that took and didn't give back. Not supportive and only out for himself. The demise of our M has proved that.

[Silly_Girl]

I fully expected the outcome. He had a choice to make. He couldn't choose it, so I made the choice for him.

 

Resentful? What I feel, is hurt. Am still hurting.

 

Has he worked on himself? Highly doubtful. He was always the type of person that took and didn't give back. Not supportive and only out for himself. The demise of our M has proved that.

 

What, I suppose, I am asking is whether it is something inherent in you that makes you opposed to forgiving such a significant betrayal, or whether you feel that way now, because of your experience and your H's behaviour.

 

Because if it's the latter then it's possible that one day you may, in different circumstances, find yourself able to be far more forgiving than you currently feel is likely.

[hopesndreams]

Yes, it's because of my experiences.

[jthorne]

I wasn't singling you out jthorne.

 

You're remorseful and I've seen that with the posts you have written to help others.

 

You still look at it as "mistakes" that you have made and not bad choices. Fooling around with a married man is not a mistake. You chose to do it of your own free will.

 

I'm glad for you that you found a compassionate, forgiving man that loves you unconditionally. You are now married to a, by all accounts, a super guy. I was once married to a "super" guy too that ended up stomping on my heart and breaking it into a million pieces. He too, looks at his cheating, as a mistake. Now he is living with his mistakes with the same type of person as himself. Both cheaters. They were both married with families. Now they are both loving it up with a relationship built on sand and with the hurt and misery to others that they both participated in, freely.

 

With time, I may recover, and might be the type person who would/could/might forgive the transgression of those that chose to break up families with their selfish wants and desires. If not, o well.

I wasn't sure who you were singling out if anyone, since I think the only ones on the thread who have actually admitted to telling were FO and I. Though neither of us expected compassion, we received it.

 

I agree with you on the choices. In fact, I believe I've made your exact same statement to others. However, in my statement, I meant to convey that the affair was not a mistake. The choices I made to start the affair and maintain it were bad choices; ones I would never make again. I regret those choices, so to me, they are mistakes. The definition of a mistake is a wrong action attributable to bad judgement or ignorance. I acknowledge the bad judgement and own that. So I do not feel like I am blameshifting when I refer to those bad choices as mistakes.

 

Perhaps the difference between me and your husband is that I have done my work and know why I did what I did and have resolved those issues. I'm sorry he did that to you. I hope one day he resolves his issues. I hope that one day you will heal from the pain he caused you.

 

I'm sorry some feel like I should wear the Scarlet A forever. Because I won't.

[hopesndreams]

I need to be strong in my convictions so that same path won't be travelled down again in future.

 

I knew my H had cheated on his 1st wife.

 

If this were to happen to me again, I'd have no one to blame but myself.

[fooled once]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond. I've come to the conclusion that anyone who has ever cheated or helped those to cheat, are liars. The only way to get them to admit to doing something so heinous are those that look for sympathy when telling their tale.

 

With the yes, I have cheated statistics being at an all time high because of the "me" generation, those that do not cheat, no matter what, are few and far between.

 

It would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

For the record, I wasn't married when I was in the affair I was in. I also believed he was divorcing and it was ONLY because he lived in his OWN place, not with his wife, that I entered the relationship with him. We were together 2 years; the first year he was in his own place (I had been there NUMEROUS times) and we didn't sneak around. We went to many places in our town (where his wife lived) and people we worked with knew we were dating.

 

When he returned to his home with his wife, obviously things changed. THEN it turned into sneaking around. He told me he was only there to show her the marriage was over, to wait for him. He had been to a lawyer - I know because it was the same lawyer I had used for my divorce. I saw the papers she (the lawyer) drew up for him. I know it wasn't a lie - the lie was he really never planned to follow through. Once I determined that, I ended the affair. I spoke with his wife during the 2nd year of our affair - her and I both were told lies. I confronted him, he lied again.

 

The point is -- I didn't cheat - he did. He lied.

 

To label those of us who made bad choices as basically bad people is really a crappy thing to do. I can tell you, *I* am not a liar so you can stop with your generalizations. I take it YOU were lied to by YOUR husband. Shame on him. But I lied to NO ONE.

 

Hmmm, I knew I would regret participating in this thread, just for the above reason. There are some things I did not disclose in my post because it was TMI, and frankly no one else's business. My apologies if I made it sound like it was an easy, happy discussion in which I was looking for sympathy. I can assure you, I definitely was not.

 

I happen to think that my SO at the time (who is now my husband), is a far better person than I am. In fact, every day I thank God for bringing him into my life, and wonder what I did to ever deserve him. I vow to be a person and a wife worthy of his love. I told him because I thought he deserved to know exactly who he was getting serious with. I had a high expectation that he might leave the relationship. He is a man of integrity, and expects that of others.

 

He is, however, a man that believes that the past is the past, and what makes a person is what they are now. He is someone that believes in atonement and redemption, and I am ever so thankful for that. But had he not been able to get over my past, I would know that he was a rather short-sighted person that could not see me for what I am: a person that can learn from mistakes, but is flawed just like everyone else. If he (or anyone else, for that matter) believed all I am is based upon one bad thing I did in my life, I would know that he was not the person for me. If I can ask for and receive forgiveness from the Lord, surely I could expect that from mere mortals, especially the one I love most in the world.

 

He is not perfect, and does not expect me to be. He loves me for what I am, from my scars all the way to my a ability to make a mean apple pie.

 

Think what you wish about us lowlife cheaters. What matters to me is the people I love. The tone of your post indicates to me that you subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. I've done my work on myself, and continue to do so. So for me, I know that the theory is simply not true.

 

Exactly. Thanks jthorne for such a great post.

 

I wasn't singling you out jthorne.

 

You're remorseful and I've seen that with the posts you have written to help others.

 

You still look at it as "mistakes" that you have made and not bad choices. Fooling around with a married man is not a mistake. You chose to do it of your own free will.

 

I'm glad for you that you found a compassionate, forgiving man that loves you unconditionally. You are now married to a, by all accounts, a super guy. I was once married to a "super" guy too that ended up stomping on my heart and breaking it into a million pieces. He too, looks at his cheating, as a mistake. Now he is living with his mistakes with the same type of person as himself. Both cheaters. They were both married with families. Now they are both loving it up with a relationship built on sand and with the hurt and misery to others that they both participated in, freely.

 

With time, I may recover, and might be the type person who would/could/might forgive the transgression of those that chose to break up families with their selfish wants and desires. If not, o well.

 

FYI - while I have a great husband, a great life and love him more than words can express, I do NOT love him unconditionally. The only person I love unconditionally is my child. I know my husband doesn't love me unconditionally. I don't believe unconditional love should be expected between lovers.

 

I think you may find yourself alone for a long time because you have chosen to put yourself up on a pedestal and believe only those worthy of you should join you.

 

People MAKE BAD CHOICES/MISTAKES in life. It is part of growing up, part of forming ourselves. What matters is how people react to those choices/mistakes. If someone doesn't give a crap who they hurt in the name of love, then in my mind, shame on them for being so selfish.

 

But I don't think it is right to paint sweeping generalizations or decide that if someone had an affair with a liar (while that person was single) they are unworthy. If you are looking for a lilly white, never made a bad mistake/choice person, you are going to be alone.

 

Maybe it is time to get over what happened to you; work through it and forgive your ex and start to move past it all. Allow yourself to heal and let your heart heal

[NoIDidn't]

I need to be strong in my convictions so that same path won't be travelled down again in future.

 

I knew my H had cheated on his 1st wife.

 

If this were to happen to me again, I'd have no one to blame but myself.

 

Yep. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Or so they say.

 

I don't think romantic Rs are this simple, but some people think it applies.