So down don't know how to express it

[LisaUk]

Hi all,

 

I don't know why I am posting really, just felt the need to I guess. I just feel so depressed that I can't even explain it, does that make sense to anyone? I can't even explain or put into words what is bothering me or how I feel, I guess the only way to describe it is that I feel hopeless.

 

How much more torment is what my ex did to me going to cause before I finally get through this? Or is this it? Has he taken my spirit and zest as well as my happiness? I feel like he stripped me bare, took everything, even my home, my whole life ripped away and I was thrown out, left with no option but to move 200 miles away back to the parents.

 

I don't think these feelings are about him per sa anymore, I wouldn't have him back if he was the last man on Earth, it's more that he has taken my ability to see good in people, I'm not explaining this well. What I mean is that when the person you trusted most in this life betrays you on such a fundemental level, I guess it changes you, it changes everything about you and how you view the world and others in it. I don't see any joy or hope in life anymore.

[habs53]

Awwww Lisa cheer up there girl. I bet your a fun person. Get over this guy, dont let him win. You are better than him.

[What_Next]

We all have our bad days and our good days. When we are down it seems like we'll never get up again. Another day does come though. What little thing can cheer you up? A sundae? A walk in the park? A bike ride? Buying yourself some new shoes? Go out and do it!

 

Hang in there. It'll get better.

[imagine]

Lisa you have invested in your education and now there is a lull. Maybe this lull is making you depressed.

 

Can you take a holiday with a friend?

 

I visited England last spring and stayed in Tonbridge. Kent was brilliant and an absolutely wonderful place to cycle. Why don't you take a leaf from my book?

[LisaUk]

We all have our bad days and our good days. When we are down it seems like we'll never get up again. Another day does come though. What little thing can cheer you up? A sundae? A walk in the park? A bike ride? Buying yourself some new shoes? Go out and do it!

 

Hang in there. It'll get better.

 

Thanks, but it is on a much larger scale than this, to be honest I really don't see the point to living anymore. There is just no joy, no hope at all. Don't worry I won't act on my feelings.

 

Lisa you have invested in your education and now there is a lull. Maybe this lull is making you depressed.

 

Can you take a holiday with a friend?

 

I visited England last spring and stayed in Tonbridge. Kent was brilliant and an absolutely wonderful place to cycle. Why don't you take a leaf from my book?

 

Perhaps it is a lull or perhaps I now have the time to fully process what that s**t did to me and how it has changed me for good I think. I can't go away on holiday, I have a full time job and no holiday entiltlement.

[HeavenOrHell]

Lisa, I felt like that for 6 or 7 months after my ex left me (remember my relationship was 18 years too), could see no hope, horribly depressed day in day out, had horrible emotion after horrible emotion going around and around constantly, thought I was going insane at times. There was no reprieve.

I forced myself to keep up with work and friends and meet new people online and it kept me going, I am now with someone new, bear in mind I felt there would never be anyone out there for me after losing the love of my life.

I feel happier than I have done for years. I'm even seeing that our split was for the best and we are friends now, he's a good person and I'll always love him as a friend, he'll always be special to me.

From what I remember your ex wasn't exactly sensitive towards you after your split. It sounds like you can see he's not so perfect now.

Good for you keeping up with work/studying.

Don't ever give up hun, remember how depressed/hopeless I was...Take it from me; THINGS WILL GET BETTER, and congratulate yourself for making it this far

[LittleTiger]

Hi Lisa. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Is there any sign of a counselling appointment coming through for you yet? I think talking to someone - a professional I mean - will make a huge difference to you.

 

I have found that getting over the break up of my marriage has been a real rollercoaster. I now have a wonderful new man, we are head over heels in love, but I still hit rock bottom on a regular basis. It has nothing to do with my stbxh, I also have no desire to be with him any more. It has mostly to do with how my life has been shaken up and my security destroyed, and I'm one of the lucky ones. I still have a roof over my head.

 

I also have days, weeks sometimes, when I just see no point to life. It's all such a struggle. The every day grind and monotony of things, especially now I'm living alone, really get to me. I have a tendancy to depression anyway, I always have, but when life whacks me in the gut it can knock me flat and, even when I try to get up, I tend to stay off balance for a very long time. The aftermath of what you've been through will probably keep hitting you for quite some time but, as you already know, there will be times in between when life is full of hope and excitement. Remember how you felt when you got your exam results?

 

I think you are a lot stronger than I am Lisa. I couldn't have done what you did and got a law degree when my husband left. Not a chance. I could barely get myself out of bed. You are quite an exceptional woman and you've taken a hell of a beating from both your mother and your ex. It seems to me you need to get the right treatment to help you get better.

 

Can you go back to your doctor and find out what's happening about your referral? Sometimes doctors need a bit of a nudge. Maybe you could even discuss a course of anti-depressants? I'm not a doctor but I can empathise with where you are now and my best course of action has always been to take action. My saving grace is that when I hit rock bottom I tell myself it's 'do or die' and, as far as I can tell, I'm still here. Sit yourself down in front of your doctor and tell him/her the whole truth, exactly as you have told us. Insist that they do something NOW, because you are responsible for your own life and your own health.

 

You believed in yourself and your future when doing your law exams - you did brilliantly and you deserved to after all your hard work. I sometimes wondered if you would crack and you never did. Incredible. You are inspiring in so many ways. You've been through hell and back and you're still standing Lisa. If you can do that you can do anything.

[LisaUk]

Thank you for your support LittleTiger. Just a very quick reply as I need to get to bed, work tomo and very tired, I promise to respond properly soon. I will not be recieving counselling, I have heard nothing from the doctor in over a year and now I have a full time job until i go back to uni for the LPC, I will not be able to attend a weekly counselling appointment during working hours and as we all in the UK know, no weekend counselling on the NHS here! I need to work so I can save money to (hopefully) live at uni next year and for the same reason can't afford private therapy. I will have access again to the uni counselling service next year, but I fear as was the case this year I will not have the time to use it, law is so higly pressured there is time for little else and unfortunately, my main priority is to get out of this house and away from the abuse I am subjected to. To do that I have to proritise work and study so I can get a mortgage long term, trying to to do both study and counselling is lianle to push me over the edge I think.

[Chuck66]

LisaUK,

Pip Pip Cheerio and ole' that rot. Don't be daft ole' girl. Draw yourself a warm bath have some tea and crumpets, followed by some trickle pudding and everything will seem right as rain.... :>)

 

I had a hateful English Step Mum from London from 1980-1984...yuck! We could not even put our knife down during the entire meal because "it is proper". But I said, "We are eating freakin' hamburgers"!!

 

I hope a I have cheered you up. It's not easy for a Missouri farm kid with a rural accent having to deal with a proper Londoner with all those P's and Q's.

 

Take Care,

To-rah,

Chuck

[Butterflair]

I understand what your trying to say, I'm having days like that too. Just depressed and can't really see my future. It's all changed so much. Every day I try to work a little more in understanding but I think the free time makes me think too much. One day at a time is all we can do for now.

[LisaUk]

LisaUK,

Draw yourself a warm bath have some tea and crumpets, followed by some trickle pudding and everything will seem right as rain.... :>)

 

 

Not possible I'm afraid Chuck. I am not allowed to take a bath, see I live with my parents b/c my ex threw me out of my home that I had built for 10 years and b/c of the housing market crash I lost a lot and what I did get out of the equity through my lawyer was not enough for me to buy another place. My mum is what I have been told is emotional abusive. My life involves walking on eggshells daily, incase I set her off into a verbal torrent of abusive for serveral hours. I am treated like I am 12 years old, not a 34 year old women, my finances are controlled, what I eat is controlled, when I take a shower and how often I am allowed is controlled, how much water I can run to wash in the morning is controlled. SOme days she is fine, nice even, but you just never can tell.

 

 

I understand what your trying to say, I'm having days like that too. Just depressed and can't really see my future. It's all changed so much. Every day I try to work a little more in understanding but I think the free time makes me think too much. One day at a time is all we can do for now.

 

Thanks Butterflair. I just feel like there is no way forward. What my ex did changed me, b/c I can't love in the same way ever again, can't trust in the same way ever again. I can't go back, yet I can't move forward. I so want to be happy again, like I was before all this, before he taught me that you can trust no one because even the one you love the most will betray you in a heartbeat to serve their own selfish wants, needs and fears. Love? It's tainted and it will never be the same again, nor will it be possible, not for me, not after this.

 

My life has many positives in it, yet I still am not as happy as I was before this and it is that comparision that depresses me, b/c it can't ever be that way again...he's changed me.

[mikeymad]

Lis

I wouldn't say that "he" changed you...it was the situation. An event. Something you had no control over. All we have control of is our response, and that determines our outcome. I don't want to come across preachy, because I am not following those words to the least. Those of us left feel abandonded. We are the walking wounded, wondering how a world could be so cold and heartless, how people can walk around with smiles on their faces, oblivious to the heartache and loneliness that plagues so many of us.

I too have been having rough days. I find myself pining for the person who hurt me the most, even though I know it would never work. I want to badly for someone to care for me and for me to care about them, but I can't trust anyone. I'm too afraid of being left. It is worse when there is nobody around, and nothing to keep me busy. Just me and my thoughts. This won't be advice, but just to know that others are with you in this boat...you're not alone.

 

PS. You said in your other thread that you were going to donate time pro bono to divorcing people who couldn't afford counsel. One of the things that seemed to help for me was going beyond myself and my situation and doing things to help out others. If nothing else but to ease another person's suffering, we must find a purpose. Keep your head down and your chin up. The only way around these tough times is straight through.

[tojaz]

 

My life has many positives in it, yet I still am not as happy as I was before this and it is that comparision that depresses me, b/c it can't ever be that way again...he's changed me.

 

Yes he changed you Lis, but I don't buy for a second that you cannot be happy without him. We've talked on this many times, and you know what i'm talking about. You have uncovered several ways that he was not only less then perfect but in some cases down right wrotten! I know you don't see it now, but not only will you be happy again, but you will be happier then you have ever been. Call me a liar if you like, but you have so many great things coming to you, and thats a promise!

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

I see it! Your depression is multi-faceted. In a sense you have been betrayed by everybody you have loved. Fiance, parents. So while you are working to plug the dike with the betrayal of your ex-fiance, you are also trying to plug the leaks of the betrayal by your mother. You literally have no one you can trust, other than some of your LS friends.

 

In a sense you are living in a prison, with hardly no freedom

 

Is there a chance that you can move in with somebody as a roomate, and in that way freeing you to be you.

 

My mother was similar, but far less so than yours. In my first years in college I tried to work part time and go to school full time. This resulted in lots of conflict, not good for studies, I'd move out, struggle, and she would be demanding "Why did you move out?" Then move back in, only to have her demanding me to move out again. Luckily, I did make friends, and was finally able to move out for good, with my room mates. But I had to go to full time work and part time school.

 

This was part of the reason why I never made it past my junior year.

 

As for trusting a lover it took me many years. I spent a good 10-15 years running whenever love showed its head.

 

With my present GF it hit me so fast I didn't have a chance to run. But in the beginning days, I did have many talks with myself, asking the question, "Are you sure you really want to do this?"

[LisaUk]

It hit me today just how disgusting what my ex did to me was. I'm not a bad person, I truely only ever act with the truest of intentions, he knew that. I didn't deserve what he did to me. I look around at how other people behave sometimes and the things they say and do and I see pur selfishness. That wasn't me, he knew that, he knew how much I loved him and yet he still did this to me, took my home away and threw me on the street like used rubblish. I don't care what his "reason" was, I don't care if he is CP and could not or rather was too much of a coward to face up to his issues, he caused me a world of pain, that only those who have experienced it would understand.

 

I don't think I ever want to have a relationship again, I'm never going to trust again and I would be waiting for abandonment again. I don't want to live like that. I think I am better off alone now for the rest of my life, I know I can relie on me, as lonely as I will be and as unhappy as I feel, it is better than living that hell again.

[TaraMaiden]

You're a University Law graduate....

 

 

oh never mind.....

[hopesndreams]

he caused me a world of pain, that only those who have experienced it would understand.

 

There ya go. Plenty of men out there have been through the exact same thing. So, unless a man has went through something similar, don't even consider getting to know him.

[just_some_guy]

It hit me today just how disgusting what my ex did to me was. I'm not a bad person, I truely only ever act with the truest of intentions, he knew that. I didn't deserve what he did to me. I look around at how other people behave sometimes and the things they say and do and I see pur selfishness. That wasn't me, he knew that, he knew how much I loved him and yet he still did this to me, took my home away and threw me on the street like used rubblish. I don't care what his "reason" was, I don't care if he is CP and could not or rather was too much of a coward to face up to his issues, he caused me a world of pain, that only those who have experienced it would understand.

 

I don't think I ever want to have a relationship again, I'm never going to trust again and I would be waiting for abandonment again. I don't want to live like that. I think I am better off alone now for the rest of my life, I know I can relie on me, as lonely as I will be and as unhappy as I feel, it is better than living that hell again.

 

 

I felt that way.

 

How does it feel when a stranger calls you on the phone and tells you that the scratch on your wife's hand wasn't from a cat scratch as she claimed, but where she was shooting up heroin? Suddenly all the lies and the games and the manipulation and the erratic change in behavior for the last two months since the miscarriage all makes sense. That it all came from some deep, dark, secret trip down into hard drugs? Betrayed? Lied to? Then the truth comes out about previous, intermittent drug binge periods that she had never disclosed before? That the popular, well-liked, well-dressed woman with a respectable, responsible job you married is really a junkie?

 

You're not the only one who's been hurt and devastated by someone else's actions.

 

We get angry, we get the hurt out. We work on ourselves. We heal. We grow. We get over it. We move on.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. It can and will get better.

Edited July 12, 2010 by just_some_guy

[LisaUk]

You're a University Law graduate....

 

 

oh never mind.....

 

It's a job Tara. Not mt life, it doesn't change the way I feel about my life, I am very pleased I had the opportunity and I am proud I worked my ass off and passed it, it is still just a job though, a way to make money and support myself. It isn't love, acceptance or happiness.

 

I felt that way.

 

How does it feel when a stranger calls you on the phone and tells you that the scratch on your wife's hand wasn't from a cat scratch as she claimed, but where she was shooting up heroin? Suddenly all the lies and the games and the manipulation and the erratic change in behavior for the last two months since the miscarriage all makes sense. That it all came from some deep, dark, secret trip down into hard drugs? Betrayed? Lied to? Then the truth comes out about previous, intermittent drug binge periods that she had never disclosed before? That the popular, well-liked, well-dressed woman with a respectable, responsible job you married is really a junkie?

 

You're not the only one who's been hurt and devastated by someone else's actions.

 

We get angry, we get the hurt out. We work on ourselves. We heal. We grow. We get over it. We move on.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. It can and will get better.

 

I can't respond to this. Please JSG I would ask that you don't respond to my threads b/c I am honestly fighting with myself to not say something which would upset you and you would find offensive.

[just_some_guy]

It's a job Tara. Not mt life, it doesn't change the way I feel about my life, I am very pleased I had the opportunity and I am proud I worked my ass off and passed it, it is still just a job though, a way to make money and support myself. It isn't love, acceptance or happiness.

 

 

 

I can't respond to this. Please JSG I would ask that you don't respond to my threads b/c I am honestly fighting with myself to not say something which would upset you and you would find offensive.

 

Then just say it and get it all out.

[LisaUk]

I'm sorry JSG, I shouldn't have said that I am just struggling with my own issues ignore me.

[just_some_guy]

What you highlighted in bold can be taken as trite, or perhaps belittling. But it isn't. It is meant to express that you are not alone, that it is possible to overcome, to heal, to grow and get better. Because others have been down the road you feel so alone on now.

 

It will get better. May peace of mind find you.

[MrMayI]

hey lisa, long time, yeah? congrats on the degree!!! it's much, much deserved. i've been down a bit myself lately. my ex has been driving me up the wall with her stupidity. makes me really regret being so lenient on her visitation with our daughter in the divorce.

life's been pretty slow lately. i had a wealth of opportunity before me, and even a beautiful girl to maybe show me the way to the light once and for all. alas, i blew it. i threw it all away for fear of not being completely ready, even after all of this time. don't know where i'm going, but i know it has to be better than where i've been. keep your chin up. it will get better. i know now i have no one to blame for how i feel right now but myself. i weened myself off of anti-depressants and that has been a major help. went from continually thinking of my ex all day to now i hardly do at all, unless she forces her way into the picture.

i no longer harbor hate for her, but i do hate the decisions she often makes. i have to remember they don't effect me in the least though, and if they don't hurt my daughter in any way, then they're just not things for me to concern myself with. i've learned that whatever she's thinking is selfish and inane anyway.

 

sorry for threadjacking and selfishly posting.

[peytonsnana]

I know exactly how you feel....but also believe that what goes around comes around. Let me explain.

 

I was married for 32 years when my husband decided that he wanted out. He was involved with someone we both knew and he felt that he would be much happier with her.

 

I was devastated.....couldn't get out of bed for weeks and didn't look for a job for at least a year. Luckily I had an inheritance I lived on for awhile.

 

He went on to find a job in NY that paid $100,000 a year, moved in with his girlfriend and eventually married her. They went on trips to the Aruba and Mexico and spend about $5700 on wedding rings.

 

I on the other hand struggled with finding a good job. I was in college when he left and decided that finishing college was the best medicine. I graduated in 2009 and moved to Massachusetts to be with my children. At this point financially I am in ruins since I can only find a part time job in Massachusetts and receive a small alimony payment once a month to cover rent. Just filed for bankruptcy which was approved this past June and can now see a bit of light at the end of this tunnel.

 

All this to say that, every day is a struggle for some of us that get divorced, but everyday we have to find a reason to get up and keep moving. My reason is that I have some really fun people I work with, good friends that listen to me when I need to talk, my oldest son has given me a grandchild ( a beautiful little girl who will be 3 soon) and my other son lives close by. Since claiming bankruptcy I can now begin to put money away, as well as clear up my credit in the next three years.

 

As for the ex, his credit is in the toilet, over spending to impress the girlfriend (now wife, he was always like that, showed his love to me by spending money). His wife does not work, doesn't like to (I always had a job when we were married)....so remember.....sooner or later what goes around comes around. Your ex may or may not tell you how he's really feeling (mine keeps telling me he's extremely happy, although I know how he is when he can't pay his bill's) but underneath they are just as unhappy or more.

 

Hope you get some counseling, I really think talking to someone will really help or at least find a support group. They might be able to give you some advice, tell you how they did it and you will look forward to getting out of the house.

Edited July 12, 2010 by peytonsnana
needed add things

[LittleTiger]

It's a job Tara. Not mt life, it doesn't change the way I feel about my life, I am very pleased I had the opportunity and I am proud I worked my ass off and passed it, it is still just a job though, a way to make money and support myself. It isn't love, acceptance or happiness.

 

I don't think that's quite what Tara meant to imply, Lisa, though I'm sure she'll correct me if I'm wrong.

 

What you've written though, highlights something very important about your situation.

 

Did you ever read 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'? If so, do you remember what the answer to the meaning of life, the universe and everything is? A machine says it's 42. Ridiculous of course. What we don't know is what was the question? What a clever man Douglas Adams was. You're a law graduate so you're bright enough to understand my meaning.

 

Life is whatever you choose to make it Lisa. S**t happens, in bucket loads, to all of us. Different kinds of s**t perhaps, but s**t nonetheless. Some people do have an easier ride of course but the vast majority of us will suffer emotional trauma at some point. The difference is in how we deal with it.

 

You've made it very clear in your comment above that what gives life meaning for you, and what you believe will make you happy, is love and acceptance. If that's the case, what's stopping you from making that your number one goal in life? For some people, a successul career is what makes life worth living. For others it's children or family. It seems that for you it is a loving, lifetime partner who accepts you for who you are.

 

Of course, in your situation, you need a career. It's a necessity and you are working on that - good for you. What surprises me is that an intelligent woman like yourself is giving up on the one thing that she really believes is going to make her happy. If you give up on love, why bother with the career. What's the point? If love and acceptance is what you NEED go out and get it.

 

There are millions of people in this world Lisa and they are all different. Some are like your ex, most aren't. You can spend the rest of your life in a little box, protecting yourself from pain and distress, or you can break out of the box, take some risks and LIVE.

 

You stated earlier in this thread that you'd given up on ever getting counselling on the NHS, that you can't afford to pay privately and, even when the opportunity to get free counselling at college arises you won't have time to do anything about it.

 

So getting help to recover from what your ex partner and your mother have done to your psyche and your self esteem is not a priority for you? That confuses me totally. If you had been in a nasty accident (God forbid) that caused physical damage severe enough to require a considerable time in hospital plus recovery time, presumably you would make that a priority? Especially if not getting treatment would leave you crippled for life!

 

Your mother has hurt you. She brought you up, probably the best she knew how, whilst continually wounding you along the way. It's something to do with her own inadequacies that made her do that and she continues to do it even now - and you let her. You met a man, a less than perfect man, who you seemed to put on a pedestal, who has also wounded you. It's no surprise that you feel you can't trust people. BUT you don't have to allow what these two people did, or continue to do, to affect the rest of your life.

 

You are only 34 Lisa! You are so young and there is a whole world out there for you to discover. The past is gone and we can't change it. What we can change is our future and, from where most of us here are sitting, your future can be remarkably bright.

 

The route to happiness starts with knowing what direction to take. If your law career will make you happy then that's great. You're on the right road. Focus all your energy on your studies and one day you'll have financial security, a house of your own, a big office maybe with lots of windows, fabulous holidays etc etc. Other people may look up to you for your position in life and that might make you happy.

 

Somehow I doubt it.

 

For you own sake, Lisa, please make time to heal. There is a very good reason why they send wounded soldiers home from war.

Edited July 13, 2010 by LittleTiger