So down don't know how to express it

[LisaUk]

Littletiger

 

Thank you for your heart felt response, it is not so black and white though. You ask me what is stopping me from finding happiness with a life long partner? Well, I had a life long partner he threw me away b/c I wasn't perfect enough for him or b/c he was CP or whatever the d**m reason was. That chance is GONE. There cannot be a life long partner b/c I do not see love the same way anymore after what he did to me, I don't think love exists. Take a look around you, even here on LS and tell me what do you see? You say not everyone is like my ex, I beg to differ, MOST, not all but MOST people are out for themselves and I see no point in getting involved with someone else who will only a few years or maybe another two decades down the road will s**t all over me, it is enivatable.

 

You say you don't see why I can't find the time for therapy. I'll tell you why. I have a choice, I either work my ass off for another year at uni and get my Law Practice Certificate or I do therapy, it is not possible time wise to do both. It is hard for someone who has not done the course to really understand the committment and time it requires to pass it, so to try and explain-5 people out of 22 FAILED the course I just passed, my classmates. The course requires 5 hours of private study per module, per week in addition to the 16 hours tutition, there were 7 modules. That is 51 hours study minimum a week.

 

If I do the course, it is impossible to do the counselling, I simply will not pass the course unless I do at least the minimum amount of study and going on last year I was doing more like 70 hours a week. If I do the course and pass and get a job then I can remove myself from the abusive home enviroment I am living in now. OR, I can do the counselling and remain in the house where I am subjected to emotional abuse daily.

 

Of course the law degree, job etc is not going to make me happy in itself in the long run and or course the counselling would help me, but surely you can see I have no choice?! The priority is getting out of this house, the way out of this house is the LPC. Besides all that, what do you think would happen to me if I told my parents I wasn't doing the LPC so I could make time for therapy? HOMELESS. That is not the way things work in my world, I DO AS I AM TOLD IN ORDER TO SURVIVE, I did not and do not LET my mum do anything to me.

[LisaUk]

hey lisa, long time, yeah? congrats on the degree!!! it's much, much deserved. i've been down a bit myself lately. my ex has been driving me up the wall with her stupidity. makes me really regret being so lenient on her visitation with our daughter in the divorce.

life's been pretty slow lately. i had a wealth of opportunity before me, and even a beautiful girl to maybe show me the way to the light once and for all. alas, i blew it. i threw it all away for fear of not being completely ready, even after all of this time. don't know where i'm going, but i know it has to be better than where i've been. keep your chin up. it will get better. i know now i have no one to blame for how i feel right now but myself. i weened myself off of anti-depressants and that has been a major help. went from continually thinking of my ex all day to now i hardly do at all, unless she forces her way into the picture.

i no longer harbor hate for her, but i do hate the decisions she often makes. i have to remember they don't effect me in the least though, and if they don't hurt my daughter in any way, then they're just not things for me to concern myself with. i've learned that whatever she's thinking is selfish and inane anyway.

 

sorry for threadjacking and selfishly posting.

 

 

Nice to see you MayI, sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. As you can see I am still a total train wreck and probably always will be. I don't think I will ever recover from this, I will never be me again.

[LisaUk]

doesn't matter.

Edited July 13, 2010 by LisaUk

[hopesndreams]

MOST, not all but MOST people are out for themselves and I see no point in getting involved with someone else who will only a few years or maybe another two decades down the road will s**t all over me, it is enivatable.

 

I feel the same way MOST of the time. Every now and again there is that flicker of hope only to be squelched by the man I take a fancy to. I'm just thrilled to bits sometimes that there is actually a man to take a fancy to! It's dismal out there. MOST, if not all, just want a FUN time, as in, a romp in the hay and then they will move on to someone they feel will be better. They are always out searching for perfection or just the next lay. Hello?? Perfection doesn't exist and it should take them more than 1 date to just write me off thinking they're all that!

 

Truth be known, I'm not ready to date and then possibly take on another life time commitment anyway. Sometimes I fool myself into believing I can, but it's short-lived. Being twice divorced can do that to a girl.

 

I'm still hurting, still crying and only still surviving, not really living. Work, come home to an apartment and be greeted by meows from my 2 boys, (cats), eat, sleep and then do the same thing the next day. My weekends are usually spent sleeping through the day and being awake all night. Alone. Except for the boys.

 

Anyways, have had my moan and it made me feel a bit better, lol.

 

I'm not sure how to help you Lisa, wish I could. I struggle too.

 

I don't think I will ever recover from this, I will never be me again.

 

I'm not the same person anymore either. The fun loving, energetic, trusting woman is gone.

 

((((hugs))))

Edited July 13, 2010 by hopesndreams

[tojaz]

I felt that way.

 

How does it feel when a stranger calls you on the phone and tells you that the scratch on your wife's hand wasn't from a cat scratch as she claimed, but where she was shooting up heroin? Suddenly all the lies and the games and the manipulation and the erratic change in behavior for the last two months since the miscarriage all makes sense. That it all came from some deep, dark, secret trip down into hard drugs? Betrayed? Lied to? Then the truth comes out about previous, intermittent drug binge periods that she had never disclosed before? That the popular, well-liked, well-dressed woman with a respectable, responsible job you married is really a junkie?

 

You're not the only one who's been hurt and devastated by someone else's actions.

 

We get angry, we get the hurt out. We work on ourselves. We heal. We grow. We get over it. We move on.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. It can and will get better.

 

JSG, while I do see you explain yourself in a later post. I would say to keep in mind that most of the people here are hurting and you should choose your words carefully when responding to someone in crisis. I read your post as this "My brand of hurt is worse then yours." This would only be true in your eyes. Lisas wounds, run just as deep for her as yours do for you. Respect that.

 

hey lisa, long time, yeah? congrats on the degree!!! it's much, much deserved. i've been down a bit myself lately. my ex has been driving me up the wall with her stupidity. makes me really regret being so lenient on her visitation with our daughter in the divorce.

life's been pretty slow lately. i had a wealth of opportunity before me, and even a beautiful girl to maybe show me the way to the light once and for all. alas, i blew it. i threw it all away for fear of not being completely ready, even after all of this time. don't know where i'm going, but i know it has to be better than where i've been. keep your chin up. it will get better. i know now i have no one to blame for how i feel right now but myself. i weened myself off of anti-depressants and that has been a major help. went from continually thinking of my ex all day to now i hardly do at all, unless she forces her way into the picture.

i no longer harbor hate for her, but i do hate the decisions she often makes. i have to remember they don't effect me in the least though, and if they don't hurt my daughter in any way, then they're just not things for me to concern myself with. i've learned that whatever she's thinking is selfish and inane anyway.

 

sorry for threadjacking and selfishly posting.

 

Hiya MayI wish I was hearing from you on more pleasant circumstances. I hear your a bit down but you have managed to keep your level head. Thats whats going to pull you through bro, thats what makes you a survivor.

 

doesn't matter.

Lis, as you know i'm on vacation but found an opportunity to check in. I read all your posts and this one made a chill run through me! Lisa, all I can say right now is that just because yo were dealt a bad hand and hurt by someone you loved does not doom you to repeat that. IT IS NOT INEVETABLE THAT YOU WILL BE TREATED LIKE THAT AGAIN!!! You have to remind yourself Lis that YOU ARE worthy of being treated well, YOU ARE worthy of love and respect equal or greater to what you give, and YOU ARE NOT to blame. You need to believe all that and tell yourself all that until your ready to allow someone to GIVE you all that. All that you deserve. Keep your head up LIs You will find what your looking for but that starts with believing its out there. Big Hug Lis!!!:love:

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa:

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but trust me you will love again. I was totallly in your shoes, no longer a believer, and was certain that I could never ever trust a woman again. And yet I find that I am living in love, and trusting again.

 

The love you are missing is your first love. Almost all of us lose our first love. We have all been there.

 

What you are looking for is mature love. You will find there is a big differnce.

 

I understand how frustrated and hopeless you feel, Again, I was once in your shoes.

 

Undertand that the environment that you now find yourself living in is not conducive to finding love.

 

True, the law degree is merely a job. But in truth it is so much more. It will enable you to get your own place. A place where you can be you again. A place where you can do what you want when you want. A place where you can listen to your music, have your own pets, and pursue you own interests. A place where you can flower again and feel safe.

 

This is the environment you are aiming for.

[LisaUk]

MOST, not all but MOST people are out for themselves and I see no point in getting involved with someone else who will only a few years or maybe another two decades down the road will s**t all over me, it is enivatable.

 

I feel the same way MOST of the time. Every now and again there is that flicker of hope only to be squelched by the man I take a fancy to. I'm just thrilled to bits sometimes that there is actually a man to take a fancy to! It's dismal out there. MOST, if not all, just want a FUN time, as in, a romp in the hay and then they will move on to someone they feel will be better. They are always out searching for perfection or just the next lay. Hello?? Perfection doesn't exist and it should take them more than 1 date to just write me off thinking they're all that!

 

Truth be known, I'm not ready to date and then possibly take on another life time commitment anyway. Sometimes I fool myself into believing I can, but it's short-lived. Being twice divorced can do that to a girl.

 

I'm still hurting, still crying and only still surviving, not really living. Work, come home to an apartment and be greeted by meows from my 2 boys, (cats), eat, sleep and then do the same thing the next day. My weekends are usually spent sleeping through the day and being awake all night. Alone. Except for the boys.

 

Anyways, have had my moan and it made me feel a bit better, lol.

 

I'm not sure how to help you Lisa, wish I could. I struggle too.

 

I don't think I will ever recover from this, I will never be me again.

 

I'm not the same person anymore either. The fun loving, energetic, trusting woman is gone.

 

((((hugs))))

 

I'm with you H&D and you did help! Thank you.

 

 

I read all your posts and this one made a chill run through me!

 

TOJAZ

 

I had deleted some suicidal thoughts because I did not want anyone to worry.

 

Lisa:

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but trust me you will love again. I was totallly in your shoes, no longer a believer, and was certain that I could never ever trust a woman again. And yet I find that I am living in love, and trusting again.

 

The love you are missing is your first love. Almost all of us lose our first love. We have all been there.

 

What you are looking for is mature love. You will find there is a big differnce.

 

I understand how frustrated and hopeless you feel, Again, I was once in your shoes.

 

Undertand that the environment that you now find yourself living in is not conducive to finding love.

 

True, the law degree is merely a job. But in truth it is so much more. It will enable you to get your own place. A place where you can be you again. A place where you can do what you want when you want. A place where you can listen to your music, have your own pets, and pursue you own interests. A place where you can flower again and feel safe.

 

This is the environment you are aiming for.

 

Gallon, you are right about the degree and training to qualify as a Solicitor, that is what I was trying to explain in my other post yesterday. Yes, counsellling would be beneficial, but priorities, the most important thing is to get out of this enviroment.

 

I understand that many have lost their first love, but have they done so after two decades (almost)? I don't wnat a mature love Gallon, not if it menas what I think it does, I am just not interested. Unfortunately that leaves me very depressed as there is no hope and no way out of this, I just have to learn how to live with it.

 

My life just got even more depressing, I want to post details but am worried that someone at work might read this, so can't, but let me just say I am very near the end of my tether.

[trippi1432]

Lisa - PM....

[tojaz]

I had deleted some suicidal thoughts because I did not want anyone to worry.

 

Too late Lis, I'm already worried. If you don't want to post it, let me know whats going on, you know how to contact me. Open 24 hours! ((HUGS))

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

You would think that the longer a couple is together the more likely they will remain together. But it is not always the case. There are couples who are grandparents, married their high school sweathearts, celebrate their 30 and even their 40 year anniversary, when one of them decides to walk away. So it can happen to anybody.

 

I don't understand you perception of mature love.

 

For me, it is something you build slowly, not like our teenage years, where fools rush in. More along the lines, I like this person, we have similar interests and values, lets see where it might lead to.

 

I see mature love as being more giving, less selfish, and not taking the beloved for granted. I see mature love as being more understanding, where partners reach out to try and fill each others needs. I see mature love as being able build a loving relationship by using the lessons learned from previous mistakes.

 

The passion, the teasing and flirting is still there

[LisaUk]

You would think that the longer a couple is together the more likely they will remain together. But it is not always the case. There are couples who are grandparents, married their high school sweathearts, celebrate their 30 and even their 40 year anniversary, when one of them decides to walk away. So it can happen to anybody.

 

I don't understand you perception of mature love.

 

For me, it is something you build slowly, not like our teenage years, where fools rush in. More along the lines, I like this person, we have similar interests and values, lets see where it might lead to.

 

I see mature love as being more giving, less selfish, and not taking the beloved for granted. I see mature love as being more understanding, where partners reach out to try and fill each others needs. I see mature love as being able build a loving relationship by using the lessons learned from previous mistakes.

 

The passion, the teasing and flirting is still there

 

I already had it then, he threw it away.

[LisaUk]

Just wanted to say, thank you to everyone who has PMed me recently, those I know and those I don't, the support is very much appreciated. I will reply to all of you, just right now, it is difficult for me to find the strength or the energy (it's hard to explain) to talk things through. I don't know, I just feel so low, so hopeless, I don't seem to be able to even find a way to explain it.

[IfiKnewThen]

Lisa i dont know your situation i would have to read up on it all. and am too burnt out to to do it now. but i am soooooooooo there with you. so damn friggin depressed. i might be even worse because

 

1) i wake up in the morning with my heart physically hurting and i am literally while laying in bed sick to my gurling stomach.

 

2) i then have a panic attack and feel my blood pressure soaring. i am immediately depressed and hate the day because i am liviing in a tortured nightmare of the shock and horror of what this person did to me. the promises broken..the lies because he was afraid to confide in me ...and this all before i get out of bed

 

3) i tell myself. you have to eat and keep up your strength. so i force myself to eat something. i eat without tasting it. it just goes down my throat in while feeling anxious and thinking thinking thinking.

 

4) my brain is like a computer on search mode trying to find the answers and wishing to God Almighty i would wake up and have a miracle and he would tell me hes coming back

 

5) he was fantastic to me and i took advantage ..so i am blaming myself left and right. and i go into more fear mode for having to live with my stupidtiy every damn day.

 

7) i have a disability so i dont work , but trust me. this is a disability too. the combination is a living horror. sick in real like and a broken heart too. i keep telling God this is more than i can bare

 

8) my support system. dont even ask. because of my disability and 2 deseased parents and a sister that lives 2000 miles away and is estranged and not talking to me...and living in a building ..not a neighborhood...and other stuff i cant mention now... i feel totally screwed. i wasnt supposed to be with this man to begin with. so our relationship was a secret. (hes not taken) so i suffer in silence.

 

9) i had a horrible experience with a doctor over 15 years ago so i wont talk to a shrink. someone in that field betrayed me and i cant trust doctors again

 

i watch tv and dont even remember what i saw half the time because of my drifting mind...going back to HIM

 

he was my best friend. he promised a life for us. we were together 10 years. he was there with me when my mom was dying of cancer. he was my rock, my live, my soulmate . but my stress from my diability and my life was getting to me and instead of showing him my love and gratitude i thought i was safe to vent to him...etc. and i guess he had enuff dont blame him. but he was fearful of communication his own pain and disatifaction with how i was acting toward what he thought was him. mostly i taked about my issues at home etc. but he felt he couldnt make me happy or i didnt value him. but i wished he gave me a clue he felt like this. but he says i should have known better. its true i should have but i was burried so deep in my own muck. anyway this is about you. i wrote this for you..to help save you even though i feel like i am drowning too. to say you're not alone and that i am older and don't know what to look forward to from here. being younger doesn't mean things are less painful. but i do think there is more possibilities out there. we have to i think..(and this is soooo sad i know) have less expectations of others. and if good things happen..well cheer. but in the same token..we cant look for disappointment or then it goes present itself. so i guess that is where faith comes in. we need to have faith that somehow...with God's blessing and mercy...this pain will stop or we can deflect it like a hockey puck coming up into the goal line. wack the pain with anything it takes that's safe. crying...venting....praying...getting some hugs. giving some. talking to others. throwing ourselves into a movie. telling ourselves thru cognitive thinking.....i can do this. this will get better. this is a place for this pain on this shelf over here in my mind. pet a pet. read. find yourself again someone even if it means putting on an old outfit you wore when you were strong and feeling yourself step into or dress up in that strength again.

 

i need to do this myself. i have tried these things but i need to try harder. its a must or .................well there is no choice really..

 

i pray we all get out of this dark abiss. some of us are more sensitive than others and some losses are not all about lossing a bad guy. or bad woman. sometimes they are good people we have to find bad in LOL to survive. sorry so long here. just got done crying..came on here and saw your post. i have been utterly sad and depressed and pained and sick for almost 2 months straight now. i keep begging God to make this end. God speed my resolve and healing all around...and yours too. God bless you

[IfiKnewThen]

hey lisa i am wondering how you are?

[LisaUk]

Thanks for asking. I'm not good. I spent most of the day trying not to call my ex b/c I desperately wanted some comfort b/c I am finding it very hard not to just kill myself right now. How stupid is that? I want comfort from the person who betrayed me after 18 years together and hasn't contacted me in over a year? He doesn't even exist anymore and he is the cause of my current pain.

 

To top it all off, a very dear friend of mine, who I relied upon more than anyone else just turned their back on me as well, told me I am doing this to myself and trying to bring them down!

 

I think I am unravelling, perhaps I am having a break down? I don't know, all I know is that I have had enough of this life and I don't wnat to be here anymore, yet I can't kill myself b/c I beleive I will go to hell.

[IfiKnewThen]

OMG lisa. i am about to give you my phone number and you can talk to me. thats EXACTLY how i feel about my b/f i was with for 10 years. maybe we can help each other somehow get thru this. i have spoken to people too who just DONT GET IT. i am willing if you are for us to talk. let me know. you will be in my prayers and thoughts . i know whats it like to want to jump out of you body/skin and not feel this anymore. please let me know. i think it can help us both.....some crazy how.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg i just realized you live in england. just my luck and yours. lifes a beach. i live in America