Wife doesn't enjoy being married

[Someguy1233]

Hello, all. I've read a bit on these forums and have learned a lot. I've decided it's time to make a post and seek some advice...

 

My wife and I dated on & off for nearly 5 years before getting married. We broke up numerous times. The breakups were blamed on "commitment issues." She wanted to get married and I wasn't ready to make that commitment. I felt there was more I wanted to do in life.

After not dating for some time, I realized that want I really wanted in life was her by my side. We got married much less than a year ago.

 

A week and a half ago she told me that she hates being married and feels it was the biggest mistake ever. Through conversation I found that she has feelings towards one of our mutual friends, but said it has nothing to do with our issues. I haven't pushed this issue any further.

 

We've talked about her unhappiness a few times over the last 1.5 weeks. I've deduced that her biggest problem with the marriage is the lack of caring from my side. I work full time and run my own business on the side. When we were engaged, and through the beginning of the marriage, the side business was slow. But now things have drastically picked up.

 

Looking back, I realize that I neglected her and our marriage. My number one priority was my work. I was always stressed and never made time for her or us. Even when I did allow time, I wasn't mentally in the moment and always talked about clients and worries of the business.

 

The day after she broke the news to me, I made an appointment with a counselor. This is something I've never done before... I asked her to come but she refused. The day before the session I asked again, stating that I'd like her to come to help me identify my problems and things that I can work on. She again refused.

 

Through conversation since then, she said that she won't go to counseling because she doesn't want to give me false hope that this can be worked out. On occasion, she's still said how much she loves me and that we're best friends, but something is missing. She said maybe that "something" was never there and that we had no business getting married in the first place. I explained that there must have been something if she agreed to get married.

 

I also shared my enlightenment about my business stresses causing me to push our marriage to the side. Unfortunately, she pointed out that I've made these same "discoveries" during our break-ups pre-marriage. I explained that this time is different and that the money and stress isn't worth it. I explained that I'm tired of not being around for my family and friends when they are in need. I explained to her that I've debating quitting the business for a few months and that I will be quitting it. (this is actually true, and not some rash decision, I did mention it to her briefly a few weeks ago). None of this seems to matter. She said that she doesn't know what to believe and that it's just more of the same cycles that we've been going through for years.

 

I told her that we've barely been married and that if this is the road it goes down, fine. But I'd at least like to say that we gave marriage the best shot we could. She said that we've been fighting for it for years even when we weren't married...

 

Going back to the "mutual friend"...

Ever since she told me we had problems, he stopped making any contact with me. I know they are still in contact. I've debated looking into this further, but don't know what good would come out of figuring anything out or if I'd even be able to prove anything. Another friend said that he'd had suspicions about them for a few weeks.

 

She spent the holiday weekend staying at a friend's house. I know she saw the friend at least once over the weekend. When she is home for the night, she sleeps on the couch. She doesn't wear her ring. The last time we talked about our problems was on Saturday. She told me again that she has no idea what to do, but she's miserable being married. She hasn't mentioned the d-word yet, but is very absent.

 

She spends very little time at home. When she is here I just try to make nice comments and be the person that I should've been. I've focused on trying to do the projects around the house that should've been completed a year ago. All I want is a chance to be the husband I should've been all along.

[norajane]

Dude, she's having an affair with that guy.

 

Get your divorce now, before you've been married so long she takes half your business assets away. And before she has a kid with that guy.

 

Talk to a divorce lawyer, and stop blaming yourself for focusing on developing a successful business.

 

Does she even have a job? Why does she have so much time for this other guy? Lock her out next time she goes away to stay with "friends". If she wants this other guy, great, let him deal with her stupidity, lies, and betrayals.

 

Open your eyes. Counseling isn't going to help you. Divorce will. Don't wait for her to bring it up. Talk to a lawyer and file yourself.

[hurt and devastated]

I went through the exact same thing, although my wife never told me she regretted us getting married. She became very distant, very limited physical contact and affection shown. At the time I just attributed it to her pulling away from the marriage in general, because she told me she wasn't happy and was thinking about separating. For three months I worked my tail off, doing things around the house, and trying to be more "there" for her like I should have been all along. I then found out she had been cheating on me for 2 1/2 of those three months. I hate to say it, but all the signs look like she's involved with your friend at some level, whether it's just emotional or has escalated to physical. I would at least try to find out whats going on with them, because you have zero chance of working things out with another man coming between you.

Edited July 7, 2010 by hurt and devastated
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[spriggig]

She's not wearing her ring less than one year after marriage.

 

She's sleeping on the couch.

 

There is another guy involved on some level.

 

Don't jump to conclusions that she is cheating, tho it does sound pretty bad. We're focusing on the possible cheating because, while divorce is hard enough, cheating could tear you apart.

 

IF she is cheating (as my wife surely did) she will lie through her teeth, and when faced with scant evidence she will shrug it off and say they are "just friends". In short, you won't be confident that you have the truth unless you snoop.

 

And, don't stop snooping until you're convinced you've found all there is to find, regardless of which way this turns. You don't want to find out the way I did, in bits and pieces over three months with her lying at every new revelation. You want it all at once so you can deal with it all at once.

 

Please, discover now whether she is cheating or not, don't wait.

[hurt and devastated]

And, don't stop snooping until you're convinced you've found all there is to find, regardless of which way this turns. You don't want to find out the way I did, in bits and pieces over three months with her lying at every new revelation. You want it all at once so you can deal with it all at once.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. Me finding about all the things she'd been doing in one night was much easier to deal with (if that's possible) than if I had my suspicions aroused and this had gone on through the summer to the magical August when she was going to decide whether we were gonna separate or not. Bad metaphor, but the knife makes one quick stab rather than an inch at a time while twisting.

[norajane]

when she was going to decide whether we were gonna separate or not

 

Why wait for her to decide?

 

This guy's wife is already doing this:

 

She's not wearing her ring less than one year after marriage.

 

She's sleeping on the couch.

 

There is another guy involved on some level.

 

AND this:

she told me that she hates being married and feels it was the biggest mistake ever.

 

I found that she has feelings towards one of our mutual friends,

 

I asked her to come but she refused.

 

she doesn't want to give me false hope that this can be worked out.

 

something is missing. She said maybe that "something" was never there and that we had no business getting married in the first place.

 

she's miserable being married.

 

She spends very little time at home.

 

And he's blaming himself for her cheating. He needs to get angry, and instead he's kissing her ass trying to win her back.

[cavedweller]

Someguy,

 

You need to hire a divorce lawyer.

[imagine]

Someguy, you must do two things:

 

1) Get proof of contact with OM and expose it.

2) Fix yourself for marriage. Neglect is very serious. You need to spend a minimum of 15 hours/week with her. You probably need to spend 30 hours now to get the marriage on an even keel.

 

Speak to OM tell him that your are fighting to save your marriage and he is an obstruction. Take the prove of contact to his friends and family.

 

Do not overwhelm your wife. Meet her needs. Learn what her emotional needs ARE. Go to the articles at marriage builders.com and fill in the emotional needs form. Read their articles.

 

The worst course of action is inaction.

[Daniel89]

Many have suggested shes having an affair, and shes not going to admit it if she hasnt already. You may have to do a bit of snooping. If your able to access the computer she uses I'd highly suggest this computer spy software

Another alternative would be to get access to her phone and use this phone spy software

 

It's completely upto you. I just think you need to know exactly what is going on and not believe her lies.

[seibert253]

Your wife is having an affair. She never will admit it without proof. There is absolutely no chance she will return to the marriage as long as the OM is in the picture. Plain and simple.

 

Here's what you need to do IMO:

1. Gather evidence of her affair, (phone records, physically check her phone when you can, keylogger on any computer she uses and check her emails) Snoop, Snoop, and Snoop some more.

2. Contact an attorney and protect yourself

3. Start counseling, continue to invite her, but if she declines, go alone.

4. Read up on the 180 and START NOW. The 180 is for you not her.

 

It shouldn't take long for you to get the evidence you need to confront her. Do not confront without evidence.

After your confrontation, then expose, to everyone; friends, family and especially to the OM's W if he's married. She's your best allie.

 

Then give her a choice, return to the marriage and give 100% to fixing it, or she can move out and you will D her. These are her only options.

 

Good Luck to you and keep us updated.

[norajane]

2) Fix yourself for marriage. Neglect is very serious. You need to spend a minimum of 15 hours/week with her. You probably need to spend 30 hours now to get the marriage on an even keel.

 

Meet her needs. Learn what her emotional needs ARE. Go to the articles at marriage builders.com and fill in the emotional needs form. Read their articles.

 

The worst course of action is inaction.

 

Kissing her ass isn't going to help. She has already lost respect for him since she has another man. The more her husband does for her, the more he tries to meet her needs, the more she is going to see him as a wimp and lose even more respect for him.

[Someguy1233]

Your wife is having an affair. She never will admit it without proof. There is absolutely no chance she will return to the marriage as long as the OM is in the picture. Plain and simple.

 

Here's what you need to do IMO:

1. Gather evidence of her affair, (phone records, physically check her phone when you can, keylogger on any computer she uses and check her emails) Snoop, Snoop, and Snoop some more.

2. Contact an attorney and protect yourself

3. Start counseling, continue to invite her, but if she declines, go alone.

4. Read up on the 180 and START NOW. The 180 is for you not her.

 

It shouldn't take long for you to get the evidence you need to confront her. Do not confront without evidence.

After your confrontation, then expose, to everyone; friends, family and especially to the OM's W if he's married. She's your best allie.

 

Then give her a choice, return to the marriage and give 100% to fixing it, or she can move out and you will D her. These are her only options.

 

Good Luck to you and keep us updated.

 

 

Thanks for the comments, all.

 

I don't blame myself for her cheating. It's a horrible reaction to a bad situation. I blame us both for failing to see that we didn't communicate properly and figure out how to have a healthy marriage. I blame her for reacting to this extreme.

 

I can't decide if I should prove the affair and try to expose it. And if so, to what extreme should I go to prove the affair. If I want to save the marriage, there needs to be some trust left... If I snoop through everything.... I don't know.

 

I started the 180 yesterday. I didn't let her see me down. I was brief, but not cold. She kept asking what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about something. I just said nothing was wrong and continued getting ready for work.

 

I've been adding up the list of evidence and debate bringing it to her attention on this alone:

-new undergarments which are fancier than normal

-cell phone bill which shows length of phone calls and number of text messages

-if she leaves a room she brings her phone with.

-If her phone is out, it's face down (assuming it's so if a text comes in I can't see who it's from).

-The "friend" hasn't contacted me since she said she was unhappy with the marriage.

-Other friend told her she's not welcome to hang out with the group of friends because they don't want to be involved in whatever may be going on.

[hurt and devastated]

That's a start, but you're going to need to dig deeper. Doing what she's doing with her phone can be explained away pretty easily. My wife started doing the same thing with her phone but she said it was to keep the baby from finding it and messing with it. You're going to have to snoop more. As far as the trust thing goes, would you really trust her more with the suspicion of an affair in the back of your mind, as opposed to knowing what's really going on?

[IronMaiden]

You have a lot of circumstantial evidence piled high. Doesn't look good. You have all the smoke, but don't have the fire yet. Some would say with all that smoke you don't need to find the fire. Others can't get closure without that. You have to decide where you fall on that.

 

Remember, you wanted to WAIT to be sure, sort things out which was wise, she twisted your arm to go against your better judgment, SHE PUSHED you into getting married. Given that, I would show her no mercy given what she is doing now... If her friends are distancing from this, there is trouble. I would do some detective work and see if I could get one of them to give me more info.

[Daniel89]

Yeah you need to do more snooping to get the story right. With the evidence you have she can easily make an excuse for. Once you have the full story theres no way she will be able to talk her way out of it. You seem to be handling things quite well compared to some of the people who come on here, I have to say.

 

There are multiple ways you can become a Sherlock here They have some incredible products. Good luck anyway, I hope you obtain the evidence, its needed.

[Steadfast]

Isn't it amazing the pattern that women follow? Is there a manual or a website somewhere that people read? All of it; the phone, the underwear, acting distant, re-writing history...all of it has been repeated time after time, but to the person subjected to this, it all seems like a bad dream.

 

From book author Michelle Langley's 'Women's Infedility' website:

 

Women's relationships today follow a very predictable pattern:

 

*They push men for commitment

*They get what they want

*They lose interest in sex

*They become attracted to someone else

*They start cheating

*They become angry and resentful

*They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

*They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

 

My friend, the real problem here is your wife doesn't know what marriage is, and she's basing the responsibility of her happiness on you. That always fails. It failed with you, it'll fail with the next guy. How can she be so cold, so distant? How can she blame you; convince you that you're the reason she's unhappy? Because you are. But take heart; your wife put you in a impossible position. It's a lose-lose; everyone works and you better. If your didn't she'd leave you because your a bum. That isn't real love.

 

No kids? You are lucky. Keep up with the 180 and if she does not come back and commit 100% to the marriage then file and move on. Forget all this nonsense about proof, exposing, etc. She's cheating. If you stood before a judge with documented proof the court will simply shrug, then follow all laws that apply to your state in the settlement. Bottom line.

 

Draw up the papers and have them ready to sign. I know it hurts, but limbo hurts more, and for longer. Someday, you'll meet someone who knows what true love is and you'll be happy this is a distant memory.

[sumdude]

Magic Eight Ball says "All signs point to yes." that's she's having an affair. As far as saving the marriage.. ask yourself if you really want to. If you want to continue a relationship that will always have this inkling of doubt.

 

As far as you now wanting to "be the husband you should have been all along"? Ok maybe you made some mistakes but she's the one choosing to completely break the commitment and lie like a bad rug right to your face.

 

In fact you now need to do the opposite of what you think you should do. Start living your life on your own terms. She doesn't care anymore so why should you? In fact by now being especially nice all you're doing is showing weakness and losing her respect even more.

 

So she got your commitment and now doesn't want it? To he## with her then. Been there, done that and have the t-shirt. What she's done is prove that she wasn't worth the commitment and maybe your doubts about marrying her in the first place had good reasons that are just now becoming completely clear.

 

Take control of the situation and start getting papers ready. Don't let her know what you're up to until everything is ready.

Edited July 8, 2010 by sumdude

[Someguy1233]

I do want to work on the marriage. Infidelity sucks, but people have worked through it. I'm not ready to give up yet.

 

I am trying to do more for myself. I'm going to the store this afternoon to get the Divorce Busting book and read up on the techniques so I can try to continue my efforts and better grasp the 180-degree plan.

 

She came home last night and slept in the same bed. She held my arm until she fell asleep. I don't want to look into it too much. I'm guessing it was done out of guilt and her wanting to feel comfortable, rather than a "good sign."

 

I have another session with my counselor tonight. Do I invite her again? I doubt she'd go, but I'm wondering if I should extend the invitation.

[2sure]

This is from another thread called "Something missing or cake eater" . I could not figure out how to direct you to it but I think should consider:

 

I think that many people in affairs justify them by stating/believing something is missing from the marriage so they seek fulfillment elsewhere.

 

And sure, that has to be true sometimes.

 

But you know what I'm starting to think?

 

Cake Eaters...like my H, and like you almost were...can be happily married and still want cake, something on the side. Something just for them. But thats selfish right? So, they LOOK for ways in which they are unfulfilled so that they can justify having an affair.

 

In other words..every marriage & individual has areas of their lives that arent great, need addressing, some work, some sacrifice. Even very happy relationships & people.

 

Having an affair, or wanting to have one ultimately undermines a marriage by magnifying whats missing not because its a larger problem than they thought...but because it now needs to be a big enough issue to justify cheating. And then so it is. And the marriage is undermined. The problems become bigger...and the WS tells themself it isnt because of their infidelity.

 

So, which comes first ? Most of the time, I think its cake.

[sumdude]

Just remember one very important thing. Doing the 180? It isn't about getting her back it's about getting YOU back. You're doing it for yourself!

[carhill]

OP, sorry to hear your W doesn't enjoy being married. Spend an hour today with a lawyer discussing scenarios to help her validate that feeling. One will be cleaning out your joint bank accounts and canceling joint credit cards. That hour will come with no strings attached, generally.

 

I tend to have a different perspective regarding finding 'proof' of an affair. To me, this skews the focus away from the real issue, the unhealthy M. This isn't working for you. Accept that. Do something about it that benefits you. Unless you live in a fault state and criminal conversation (an affair) is actionable legally, it doesn't matter if she was f*cking some guy in front of you in your own bed. She can still clean you out and add another decade or more to your working life as a present. Don't waste your time with that. *Clean her out*, legally. Plan B

[norajane]

I do want to work on the marriage. Infidelity sucks, but people have worked through it. I'm not ready to give up yet.

 

Some couples have worked through infidelity, but only when BOTH people want to save the marriage. Your wife does not. You can't work on the marriage all by yourself while she is off with another man.

 

The lingerie, her behavior with her phone...she's cheating on you and has no intention of stopping. So you trying to "work through" it just means you are accepting her cheating while under your roof. She has no reason to stop cheating because you are accepting it.

[Someguy1233]

Some couples have worked through infidelity, but only when BOTH people want to save the marriage. Your wife does not. You can't work on the marriage all by yourself while she is off with another man.

 

The lingerie, her behavior with her phone...she's cheating on you and has no intention of stopping. So you trying to "work through" it just means you are accepting her cheating while under your roof. She has no reason to stop cheating because you are accepting it.

 

I will call her out on the affair. I will make sure everyone finds out about it. I just don't know if I should do it with the evidence I have now, or wait for her to screw up...

[2sure]

More often than not, in my experience, the "proof" you get will only lead you to become more frustrated and betrayed when the WS continues to deny wrong doing even when its put in front of them in black and white. Worse, their defensiveness will drive them to blame YOU for their actions.

 

You dont need proof. You are being betrayed and you know it. Share that with them. The burden is not yours.

[carhill]

I will call her out on the affair.

Be very careful with that strategy. Women have strengths in social networking that you, up to now, could only imagine. Watch out for reality if you choose this path. I'd suggest talking to a lawyer first.