sumdude Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 (edited) I will call her out on the affair. I will make sure everyone finds out about it. I just don't know if I should do it with the evidence I have now, or wait for her to screw up... You've been married less than a year and there's already an affair. Cut your losses. As far as getting 'proof' and all that? Unless you get video or pics of them in the act everything is pretty much circumstantial. The pit of your stomach has the answer, just listen to it. Beyond that she will deny and come up with just about anything to cover it up. The other thing she may do is say just about anything to justify her actions. IOW she will say things about how horrible you are to friends and family are that aren't even true. Edited July 8, 2010 by sumdude Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 I will call her out on the affair. I will make sure everyone finds out about it. I just don't know if I should do it with the evidence I have now, or wait for her to screw up... Stop. I mean it. STOP. You're trying to force things. Putting aside the possible (well, probable) affair, your wife has expressed a desire that she does not want to be married to you. That is the real problem. It won't disappear, even if the other man does. You can't fix this, you can't force this. It is on her. You can make it worse and you're off to a good start. Back off. Remove yourself from the situation (like, move out or have her move) and let her come to you. If she does, you have a chance. If she doesn't, she never would have. Don't you get it? The marriage you're hoping to save is already over but that doesn't mean the relationship is. Distance yourself and let it play out. Work on yourself, but know you are not the cause of her unhappiness. She is. Know that, OK? No more guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 stop. I mean it. Stop. You're trying to force things. Putting aside the possible (well, probable) affair, your wife has expressed a desire that she does not want to be married to you. That is the real problem. It won't disappear, even if the other man does. You can't fix this, you can't force this. It is on her. You can make it worse and you're off to a good start. Back off. Remove yourself from the situation (like, move out or have her move) and let her come to you. If she does, you have a chance. If she doesn't, she never would have. Don't you get it? The marriage you're hoping to save is already over but that doesn't mean the relationship is. Distance yourself and let it play out. Work on yourself, but know you are not the cause of her unhappiness. She is. Know that, ok? No more guilt. ^^^ this!! ^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Why wait for her to decide? This guy's wife is already doing this: AND this: And he's blaming himself for her cheating. He needs to get angry, and instead he's kissing her ass trying to win her back. I agree. It's obvious to me she's cheating with this guy and you should get angry. Tell her what you are feeling and what you think she is doing. Why not confront her about this guy? Ask her why she was so all fired up about getting married and now less than a year into it she isn't even willing to give the "first obstacle" a try? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someguy1233 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Share Posted July 8, 2010 I agree. It's obvious to me she's cheating with this guy and you should get angry. Tell her what you are feeling and what you think she is doing. Why not confront her about this guy? Ask her why she was so all fired up about getting married and now less than a year into it she isn't even willing to give the "first obstacle" a try? The only reason I haven't confronted her is I wanted more evidence. I wanted to be sure rather than have her be able to make excuses for everything. I did ask her why she was so set on getting married and why she won't work through the first problem. She just said that she thinks it was a giant mistake. That we never should have been married and she was wrapped up in the spontaneous proposal, etc. When we got engaged we both agreed that we should go to counseling, but of course things were going well and we forgot all about it.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 I started the 180 yesterday. I didn't let her see me down. I was brief, but not cold. She kept asking what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about something. I just said nothing was wrong and continued getting ready for work. Sounds like your wife's intuition is already telling her you may be suspect she is having an affair. I would have just asked her flat out. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 That ('what's wrong'?) invitation can be part of a mind-f*ck. She can ask that question in front of a psychologist. No problem. Happy to answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someguy1233 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Share Posted July 8, 2010 Confirmation received. Let's just say I found something that says she's planning on not talking to me or the other guy for a week. She wants time to think and feels stuck. What should be my course of action at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Spend an hour with a lawyer. You can call it 'thinking' Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Confirmation received. Let's just say I found something that says she's planning on not talking to me or the other guy for a week. She wants time to think and feels stuck. What should be my course of action at this point? Speak to a divorce lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someguy1233 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Share Posted July 8, 2010 I will speak with a lawyer by tomorrow morning at the latest so I'm aware of the legal situation. I, however, won't be filing for a divorce yet. Either she broke the "one week" rule or she hasn't started yet. She's coming home for an hour to have dinner later. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 I will speak with a lawyer by tomorrow morning at the latest so I'm aware of the legal situation. I, however, won't be filing for a divorce yet. Either she broke the "one week" rule or she hasn't started yet. She's coming home for an hour to have dinner later. You'll hold a lot more weight in this discussion if you are able to say: I spoke to a divorce lawyer today. I have no intention of staying married to a woman who is interested in other men and cheating on me, and has already given up on our marriage. I cannot respect you anymore - your actions are disrespectful to me and to your vows. Link to post Share on other sites
Chuck66 Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Wow! Thats very good advice and is applicable to my thread. Chuck66 Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 The first evidence of my wife's EA was a hand-written rough draft of an email she sent declaring she loved him and wanting to know how strong his feelings were. When I confronted her with it, she successfully convinced me that it wasn't how it seemed and she was already done with him. Lies, but I bought it because I wanted to save our marriage. It wasn't until two weeks later when I found the deposit slip for money she couldn't have had, and then the airline reservations on her computer that I was finally convinced that she was fully cheating and was planning to meet him (which she followed through on and did fly out and stay with him for two weeks, leaving me and our 11 year old son alone). Only then did I get angry, I mean uncontrolled angry--raging. You see, she was still my wife at that point, in my mind. We were married and I loved her. I trusted her because until this point, I had no reason not to. My trust was absolute, I never had the slightest thought that she would leave me, much less cheat. It was easy to accept her lies, because I thought she had never lied to me, after all I had never lied to her. Also, I wanted to believe because the alternative was too much to even imagine. While the love note would enough for an outsider to come to the obvious conclusion, I needed the evidence to get angry and take the next steps. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 ...she was still my wife at that point, in my mind. We were married and I loved her. I trusted her because until this point, I had no reason not to. My trust was absolute, I never had the slightest thought that she would leave me, much less cheat. I needed the evidence to get angry and take the next steps. I am sorry you had to endure this friend, but you've taken a very bad situation and placed a healthy spin on it. That's what strong people do. Many have and will benefit. Thanks for posting spriggig; you're awesome- Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 10, 2010 Share Posted July 10, 2010 You'll hold a lot more weight in this discussion if you are able to say: I spoke to a divorce lawyer today. I have no intention of staying married to a woman who is interested in other men and cheating on me, and has already given up on our marriage. I cannot respect you anymore - your actions are disrespectful to me and to your vows. You are absolutely right but I guarantee you he won't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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