When should I tell my female friend how I feel about her?

[Gialloray]

My female friend is in an unhappy marriage. I am also in an unhappy marriage. Recently we have become closer when she confided her marriage problems with me and I also shared mine with her. Her husband saw us at an event recently and I suspect he thinks that there is something going on even though there technically isn't. I think this because she is no longer responding to my emails and is being distant whenever we see one another. What should I do? I would like to tell her how I feel but do not want to risk completely losing her. I am hoping that by trying to give her space that she will come round. I really miss her...

 

BTW my female friend was ready to leave her husband and had agreed to rent a flat but decided to try again following talking with him. Should she subsequently decide to separate, when is it appropriate for me to confess my own feelings?

[carhill]

Well, since at least one of you has/had romantic feelings for the other, and the contact included mutual sharing of personal marital business, 'something' has already happened. Sounds like her subsequent solution was/is a healthy one and I'd suggest supporting that and focusing on your own M and making a decision as how to proceed next on that front, sharing that marital business with your own W.

 

To answer the title of the OP, the 'appropriate' time would IMO be when both of you are divorced and free to act upon those feelings you (and perhaps she) apparently have. Nothing and nobody standing in your way. True love transcends time and distance. Good luck

[Enchanted Girl]

Why aren't you trying at all to work out your feelings with your own wife? And also, are you being this honest with your wife about what things are bothering you in your relationship with her? Or about the fact that you're having feelings for another woman?

 

Sharing with someone else something as personal as you are with this woman you aren't married to will give you a false sense of intimacy with her. She'll seem sympathetic and like she gets it in a way that your wife never could, but you're not even giving your wife a chance if you're taking all your problems with her and going to another woman about it. If you did leave your wife and went to this woman would you be honest with her when you had problems or would you take it to other people as well? Because you will have problems with her and she will drive you insane eventually, but good marriages are about talking to the other person and working things out with them. You need to communicate with them.

 

I'm not saying your wife won't be mad or hurt, but you can't avoid having conversations with her for that reason. You have to make your wife understand how serious the situation is and how close you are to leaving her. There's some reason you fell in love with your wife in the first place and you need to go back to that and hold on to it and try to work on your marriage.

 

Your female friend is probably doing this same thing with her husband because she knows that she made a commitment to someone and needs to work on it as much as she can. Don't have rose colored glasses about this. If you divorce your wife, it's not going to be easy. Divorces are often messy, painful, and financially hard. And there's no guarantee that when you two stop having the bad relationships to bond over that you'll still be in love.

 

I'm not saying you are the worst person in the world if you do leave your wife or that I'd condemn you for it, but right now, you don't need to be thinking about relationships with other women. You need to focus on your current relationship and what problems it has and why and see if you could work it out.

 

After all, many people leave their significant others thinking that it's just them with the problem and wind up having the same problems in a new relationship as they did in the last one because they never worked on themselves and made themselves better able to be in a relationship.

 

You're trying to take the easy road out, but you don't even realize how much pain and work the easy road might be for you. Even if your wife is the most horrible wife in the world . . . . divorces aren't easy.