Hurt, not sure if I should be

[horsegirl]

Ok, I took your guys advice and decided I would go out with someone new. I am so upset right now I can't be objective about where it went wrong, would appreciate your insight.

 

Make a long story short, things for a month were going so well with a guy at work, we laughed on the phone every day, he would wait for everyone to leave so we could walk out together and talk, people said he liked me, etc. We had been working on a project together which ended and was a big success, and at the conclusion party he pulls me close for an long, tight hug and keeps pulling me closer.

 

As an extra thank-you for the project's success our boss invites us both to his beach house. The day before the trip, the boss texts me that this guy is going and on the plane the boss asks if I like this guy, all smiles. This guy and I had already started discussing plans on things we could be doing together the rest of the summer, and the guy puts his arm around my waist in the airport for the first time.

 

These few days together were a DISASTER and now we are hardly speaking.

 

PLEASE help me understand where it all went wrong: Was it him, or is it me?

 

We arrive at the boss's beach house, far north of Malibu, and the boss's daughter is there. All of a sudden I don't even exist. This guy makes up a pet name for her while she's sitting next to him and playing with his arm. He puts his arm around her in photos and they're staring into each other's eyes and only occasionally looking my way.And he is really enjoying the attention. Then she brings up her bf and how much she loves him. WTF??? She becomes catty, making fun of my weight, my shoes, announcing she doesn't want me to go to the beach with the two of them. The boss whispers to me, she can be such a bitch. Moment of realization strikes - we are choosing where to sit at a restaraunt -he had been next to me, gets up, and sits next to her.

 

I had hoped to get to know this guy better on the trip. But found myself becoming more and more angry yet confused, I don't know if I have a right to be jealous or upset. Its not like I'm his gf or anything. I know I am making it worse because I am by this point very withdrawn, not joining in the conversations because I don't want to open my mouth and embarass the boss or his family. It's just the four of us alone in a house. I pray for the day of the return flight to get the hell out of there. Finally its just me and him at the airport and he starts showing interest in me again. I'm thinking, was this some kind of joke? I totally ignore him.

 

Finally arrive from the airport I call a taxi to leave this guy gives me a kiss. He asks me to call him the next day, I don't. I don't call for another four days when I finally stop putting it off, and he is all grouchy, and I'm like, is he mad at ME? ME??

Back at work I'm remembering all the daily good times and good laughs we had before the trip. I invite him over for my roommates big party, he never responds. I think he has already written me off and moved on, which is fine. I prefer being alone to this kind of confusion.

 

My question is should I be hurt by what happened at the beach or do I not have the right to be angry? Because i'm not his gf. I am very, very confused. All opinions will help me sort this out.

[TouchedByViolet]

This guy is a complete jerk. He is terribly selfish and not that into you. If he liked you he would have been all over you during the beach house trip but wasn't. Next!

[Enchanted Girl]

I tend to think that feelings aren't "right" or "wrong" first of all. You feel what you feel.

 

But honestly, he sounds like he's just a flirt and doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone, just some flings and things. You were taking it seriously though. He wasn't.

 

It's good you went on that trip though before you fell harder for him and found out how easy it was for him to throw you away. You did learn more about him on the business trip you took with him and thank goodness you did.

[angielove]

Agreed that this guy is a complete jerk. It seems like he knew he "had" you and so could treat you like crap because you would still like him anyway. He is selfish and arrogant and you should not pay him any more attention! xx

[horsegirl]

Thank you all

 

This has helped my mindset alot.

 

It was the worst of all possible situations to be in a 'interested in each other but not going out' stage of relationship then put in a house with only one other woman our age who is very flirty, competitive and touchy feely. The boss apologized if anyone's feelings were hurt.

 

Still, I've been skimming through some of the Other Man/Other Woman threads and wonder if those couples ever saw the same warning signs early on. My hurt and confusion is nothing compared to the nightmare once you marry and kids are involved.

 

On the one hand, I'm grateful I saw this side of him before we got more involved. On the other hand, I wonder if its unfair to judge a man alone on vacation with two women in a house when he isn't officially involved with either one. In all fairness he did ask me what I liked and what I wanted to do several times, I was just so shut down by then I didn't care.

 

I only spoken to him briefly on the phone re: work and not seen him since the trip. Its good to be out of contact so I can get my feelings figured out before I talk to him again. Thank you all again for your input

[spiderowl]

It sounds like he was immature and stupid, playing one girl off against another in a way. What you need to do is to think how your behaviour seemed to him. He might have realised how stupid he was being and tried to pay attention to you but by that time you'd shut him out. I don't blame you at all. Only you can know whether he was more for this girl than he was for you. Either way, I don't like the sound of him and there was some odd dynamic going on that meant he was tacitly supporting the bitchy girl.

 

In your position, I think I'd have behaved exactly the same as you. Felt upset, shut myself off from the hurtful and stupid behaviour and then not wanted to respond later. The only difference is I would not have phoned him. I think by phoning him you were showing you were still interested, despite his behaviour. Whatever happened between you from then on, he's shut off now. Actually, that's not a bad thing. You don't need his crap behaviour and if he hasn't the decency to respond you don't want to bother with him.

 

I think your feelings were natural and pretty much like others would have felt in the same situation. He is a bit of a playboy, or at least was behaving like one in this instance. He may have second thoughts about his behaviour and get back to you. Don't contact him, let him do the chasing. If he is really interested in you, he'll realise what a huge mistake he made. Give him time to make it up to you.

 

If he's gone for good, it's no great loss. Just imagine what life would be like if he did that kind of thing every time he met a pretty girl!