NC from dumpers point of view

[Ilovecake]

So I was trying to put my finger on how to explain to dumpees why they should not contact the dumper when the dumper is not contacting them. Also why if there is contact not to discuss the relationship.

 

I started looking at this from the dumpers perspective.

 

I guess the best way I can see it is it makes the dumper feel extremely uncomfortable because they do not want to rehash it. To the shocked and still in love dumpee every contact is a spark of hope that things can be rekindled. As the dumper every time you make contact with them whether it’s a birthday card, a text message a facebook comment you are taking that person back to a very uncomfortable part of their life where they had to summon all the courage and strength they had to break someone’s heart that they care about. I know you’re going to say “but if they dumped me then they don’t care”. Not true they just don’t care in the way that makes them want to be in a romantic relationship with you but the dumpers are human and they probably do not want to hurt your feelings. This is all of course assuming the breakup wasn’t over some horrible event of indiscretion. So by contacting them or wanting to discuss what went wrong you are making the dumper panic by bringing them back to that uncomfortable moment of the breakup nobody want to go through that again and again. The dumper will fall into a fight or flight reaction and will grow to resent you.

 

The dumper did not fall in love with a weak, stalking, beaten down, irrational, crying mess and they will not do that now. You can not guilt someone into loving you. You attract people by being strong and independent and showing personality traits that the other person finds alluring, traits they wished the possessed themselves. Subconsciously we chose our mates partly because they reflects on us and we think by dating someone cool it makes us look better in other people’s eyes. If you want the dumper to have anything to do with you in the future this is how you have to come off in their eyes. Notice as soon as people on here start to make some progress either by feeling better about themselves or looking better all of a sudden the dumper comes out of the woodwork thinking they just might be in love with you again. The great thing is by then we’re pretty much over it and want nothing to do with the dumper and the dumper starts to suffer terribly just like we did at first.

 

 

Hopefully reading this will help someone not send that birthday card or text message.

[northstar1]

This is fantastic cake!

 

I had to remind myself of that a few times in the past

[bananaboat11]

So I was trying to put my finger on how to explain to dumpees why they should not contact the dumper when the dumper is not contacting them. Also why if there is contact not to discuss the relationship.

 

I started looking at this from the dumpers perspective.

 

I guess the best way I can see it is it makes the dumper feel extremely uncomfortable because they do not want to rehash it. To the shocked and still in love dumpee every contact is a spark of hope that things can be rekindled. As the dumper every time you make contact with them whether it’s a birthday card, a text message a facebook comment you are taking that person back to a very uncomfortable part of their life where they had to summon all the courage and strength they had to break someone’s heart that they care about. I know you’re going to say “but if they dumped me then they don’t care”. Not true they just don’t care in the way that makes them want to be in a romantic relationship with you but the dumpers are human and they probably do not want to hurt your feelings. This is all of course assuming the breakup wasn’t over some horrible event of indiscretion. So by contacting them or wanting to discuss what went wrong you are making the dumper panic by bringing them back to that uncomfortable moment of the breakup nobody want to go through that again and again. The dumper will fall into a fight or flight reaction and will grow to resent you.

 

The dumper did not fall in love with a weak, stalking, beaten down, irrational, crying mess and they will not do that now. You can not guilt someone into loving you. You attract people by being strong and independent and showing personality traits that the other person finds alluring, traits they wished the possessed themselves. Subconsciously we chose our mates partly because they reflects on us and we think by dating someone cool it makes us look better in other people’s eyes. If you want the dumper to have anything to do with you in the future this is how you have to come off in their eyes. Notice as soon as people on here start to make some progress either by feeling better about themselves or looking better all of a sudden the dumper comes out of the woodwork thinking they just might be in love with you again. The great thing is by then we’re pretty much over it and want nothing to do with the dumper and the dumper starts to suffer terribly just like we did at first.

 

 

Hopefully reading this will help someone not send that birthday card or text message.

 

I approve of this statement.

 

I definitely agree with you. Being a dumper.. a dumpee... a pseudo-crazy dumpee that tries to get the dumper back (only once)... It is NOT a healthy state of mind. Flourish in positive influences in YOUR life, dumpee. Be you. The dumper is hurting... I promise it. Unless they're mentally ill and cannot rationalize human emotion - they will soon enough feel that void you feel now.

 

I have so many posts on this logic... and your post stands in line with my own. Well spoken.

[LoveTruthChaos]

I The dumper is hurting... I promise it. Unless they're mentally ill and cannot rationalize human emotion - they will soon enough feel that void you feel now.

 

Or unless they left you for the person they cheated on you with. Guaranteed they aren't hurting over you. And that's okay - coz he's not worth me anyway. Not even nearly.

[Ilovecake]

Or unless they left you for the person they cheated on you with. Guaranteed they aren't hurting over you. And that's okay - coz he's not worth me anyway. Not even nearly.

 

Not necessarily. You're obviously still coming from a very bitter and angry state and that's OK but I'm trying to put this as rationally as possible. Being rational is your number one weapon in getting over the ex.

They might be happy with the new person but the new person can not encompass all your qualities. Unless you really drove the dumper to hate you there is probably still a ping of regret and sadness. This however does not mean they want to be back with you. Even if they're leaving you for greener pastures the actual act of breaking up is hard and uncomfortable and most people avoid it like the plague. This is why so many people will try and drive you into breaking up with them so they don't have to do it

[northstar1]

While I think that many dumpers feel pain, it depends on a few things, in my experience

 

1)How long the breakup was coming - if the person was pondering it for a long time, months etc, then chances are that even though it was difficult for them to end it, they have possibly already emotionally detached.

 

This is even more likely if the dumper is a woman. Many will analyze the relationship and faults for a while, talking to friends and family and once they have made the decision to end it, a lot of have already cut the ties emotionally and so they aren't left as damaged as the dumpee.

 

2)The emotional balance/maturity of the dumper. If the dumper is someone who has spent their life running from relationships, or ending things at the first sign of trouble, chances are they have developed mechanisms to move on and justify to themelves that they were right.

My ex was one of these people. She had a string of short, unhealthy relationships during which she would find fault and leave. It was never her fault. Not her fault - takes on less accountability and this lessens the pain they feel when they end it.

 

Do I think my ex sometimes misses things about me or the relationship - sure. It's natural. But I don't fool myself into thinking she's spent much time mourning the breakup or wanted to come back.

[AlwaysConflicted]

While I think that many dumpers feel pain, it depends on a few things, in my experience

 

1)How long the breakup was coming - if the person was pondering it for a long time, months etc, then chances are that even though it was difficult for them to end it, they have possibly already emotionally detached.

 

This is even more likely if the dumper is a woman. Many will analyze the relationship and faults for a while, talking to friends and family and once they have made the decision to end it, a lot of have already cut the ties emotionally and so they aren't left as damaged as the dumpee.

 

2)The emotional balance/maturity of the dumper. If the dumper is someone who has spent their life running from relationships, or ending things at the first sign of trouble, chances are they have developed mechanisms to move on and justify to themelves that they were right.

My ex was one of these people. She had a string of short, unhealthy relationships during which she would find fault and leave. It was never her fault. Not her fault - takes on less accountability and this lessens the pain they feel when they end it.

 

This describes my ex completely. We didn't date for years, in fact we only dated for 5 months. It was an intense 5 months and we were planning our lives together. Her plan was to be married with a kid in 1 1/2 years.

 

I'm still not even sure why we "really" broke up, but I can tell you that she was emotionally GONE when she broke up with me. She didn't feel bad at all. I thought she was a sociopath because of how quickly she went from I love you to NO FEELINGS AT ALL. I now believe she has a self defense mechanism that alllows her to cut off from a relationship that doesn't fit her goal of marriage with kids in 1 1/2 years. As soon as our relationship got a little rocky, she bolted. I no longer fit the bill of perfect man.

 

I remember when I spoke to her in person several weeks after the breakup. She looked at me like I was a stranger. She didn't understand why I was even bothered by the breakup. Maybe she is a sociopath...

 

The whole thing scares the hell out of me. It makes me nervous to date again.

[Ilovecake]

While I think that many dumpers feel pain, it depends on a few things, in my experience

 

1)How long the breakup was coming - if the person was pondering it for a long time, months etc, then chances are that even though it was difficult for them to end it, they have possibly already emotionally detached.

 

This is even more likely if the dumper is a woman. Many will analyze the relationship and faults for a while, talking to friends and family and once they have made the decision to end it, a lot of have already cut the ties emotionally and so they aren't left as damaged as the dumpee.

 

2)The emotional balance/maturity of the dumper. If the dumper is someone who has spent their life running from relationships, or ending things at the first sign of trouble, chances are they have developed mechanisms to move on and justify to themelves that they were right.

My ex was one of these people. She had a string of short, unhealthy relationships during which she would find fault and leave. It was never her fault. Not her fault - takes on less accountability and this lessens the pain they feel when they end it.

 

Do I think my ex sometimes misses things about me or the relationship - sure. It's natural. But I don't fool myself into thinking she's spent much time mourning the breakup or wanted to come back.

 

I wasn't talking about hurting like that. It's not about mourning the loss of a relationship. It's about the act of breaking up itself. Especially if you (as the dumper) have though about it for a while. My post was mostly about your generic loss of love breakup, not special sircumstances such as yours where your ex is obviously emotionaly not available from the start.

 

As the dumper it goes something like this:

You think about wanting to break up with your partner, you waver between yes and no. The whole time because you're considering the breakup you tend to start the process of disengaging from the relationship. More and more things start to bother you about the person you are trying to dump. You rationalize your decision and look for thing in your partner to strengthen that decision. No matter who you are the process of mentally and emotionally preparing to dump someone is uncomfortable. After all you’re making a big life decision. Then the day comes for the talk (or however you were dumped), you know the person is probably going to cry, get angry maybe even say very hurtful things to you because you are breaking their heart. Nobody likes to face that kind of drama. So you go through the horror and you’re both emotionally drained and you walk out the door for the last time. As a dumper you feel a tremendous amount of relief that it’s done and you no longer have to walk around with a stomach ache trying to make this decision. This is a very major turning point in the breakup. This is where the dumpee needs to try their hand at NC, at least for a little while because both of you are extremely wound up. After the initial relief period the dumper starts to think about what he/she left behind as does the dumpee. This of course is a much harder and much more confusing time for the dumpee but we’re talking dumpers point of view here, which is important. This is the make or break time. If you call the dumper and start whining it will bring back memories of why it was they dumped you and will only strengthen their decision on the other hand if you’re quiet and out of their way they start to wonder. Because both people are in a sort of emotional emergency state the brain will do things to make you feel better, unfortunately that is by bringing up the good memories while masking some of the bad. You know they cheated or treated you like a second class citizen yet all you can think about is that you’ll never see eyes as blue as theirs (or brown or hazel). Just as you are sitting around talking about how your ex is so much happier without you they too are thinking now that they don’t have you you’re probably so much more desirable. Truthfully though you don’t know that, you have no idea what your ex is thinking of feeling all that stuff comes from your pain not theirs. Like what you said in your post that’s obviously coming from your anger, none of it is a given fact.

 

So yeah there is pain for the dumper just not the kind of pain you're feeling or the kind of pain you think they should feel. You have to remember what you think and feel does not apply to them it only applies to your experience.

[Ilovecake]

This describes my ex completely. We didn't date for years, in fact we only dated for 5 months. It was an intense 5 months and we were planning our lives together. Her plan was to be married with a kid in 1 1/2 years.

 

I'm still not even sure why we "really" broke up, but I can tell you that she was emotionally GONE when she broke up with me. She didn't feel bad at all. I thought she was a sociopath because of how quickly she went from I love you to NO FEELINGS AT ALL. I now believe she has a self defense mechanism that alllows her to cut off from a relationship that doesn't fit her goal of marriage with kids in 1 1/2 years. As soon as our relationship got a little rocky, she bolted. I no longer fit the bill of perfect man.

 

I remember when I spoke to her in person several weeks after the breakup. She looked at me like I was a stranger. She didn't understand why I was even bothered by the breakup. Maybe she is a sociopath...

 

The whole thing scares the hell out of me. It makes me nervous to date again.

 

Again what you are saying about your ex is your interpretation based on your feelings and experiences; you don't know any of this for a fact. I don’t care how well you think you know a person you have no idea what they are feeling or thinking not even if they tell you. Just as the person that dumped you has no ideas what your feelings, needs and thoughts are.

[robaday]

This may seem heartless, but I warned my ex that her jealousy and lack of respect for my personal space was driving me away. After two months after another embarrassing display of posessiveness I asked her kindly that she slow things down as she was freaking me out.

 

Two months later I caught her looking through my phone. I warned her again that I would break up with her if this continued.

 

The next two months witnessed her turning up unanounced to my house four times and screaming down the phone when I wasn't home, accidently "bumping" into her in my neighborhood, and interrigoting me on my whereabouts on a constant basis and constant guilt trips about my apparent inability to commit despite spending three days of every week with her.

 

By the time I broke up with her, I was actually furious. I did love her but I was close to having a breakdown. She still thinks she did nothing wrong, denies any of the criticisms I tried to raise calmly and rationally and wonders why I broke up with her.

 

I tried to be nice, it did not work, I tried to set boundaries they did not work. So yeah, the dumper does grieve, grieve about the potential lost, grieve that they are not listened to, and sometimes are at the very end of their tether by the time they break up. I do miss her, but do not miss the interrogations, nor guilt trips, nor possesiveness.

[cdt76]

I hate these threads. I don't care what my dumper thinks, thought, dreams of, cares for. I don't care to be breathing the same air.

[Ilovecake]

This may seem heartless, but I warned my ex that her jealousy and lack of respect for my personal space was driving me away. After two months after another embarrassing display of posessiveness I asked her kindly that she slow things down as she was freaking me out.

 

Two months later I caught her looking through my phone. I warned her again that I would break up with her if this continued.

 

The next two months witnessed her turning up unanounced to my house four times and screaming down the phone when I wasn't home, accidently "bumping" into her in my neighborhood, and interrigoting me on my whereabouts on a constant basis and constant guilt trips about my apparent inability to commit despite spending three days of every week with her.

 

By the time I broke up with her, I was actually furious. I did love her but I was close to having a breakdown. She still thinks she did nothing wrong, denies any of the criticisms I tried to raise calmly and rationally and wonders why I broke up with her.

 

I tried to be nice, it did not work, I tried to set boundaries they did not work. So yeah, the dumper does grieve, grieve about the potential lost, grieve that they are not listened to, and sometimes are at the very end of their tether by the time they break up. I do miss her, but do not miss the interrogations, nor guilt trips, nor possesiveness.

 

May I ask if she kept contacting you after you broke up and if so how did that make you feel?

[robaday]

No, to my surprise she didn't continue to contact me after I broke up with her, she maintained a huge amount of dignity which if I'm honest I really don't think I could do in her position.

 

It will be a long time before we are friends that's for sure, on my side I've explained all the things which went wrong on my part (work pressure, health problems etc) that contributed to the break up, I hoped by doing this she doesn't judge herself too harshly, I just don't think she's used to somebody not putting her on a pedestal.

 

Until she is honest with herself however, I hope she takes a long break from dating/relationships, because this had become toxic.

[antistar]

No, to my surprise she didn't continue to contact me after I broke up with her, she maintained a huge amount of dignity which if I'm honest I really don't think I could do in her position.

 

It will be a long time before we are friends that's for sure, on my side I've explained all the things which went wrong on my part (work pressure, health problems etc) that contributed to the break up, I hoped by doing this she doesn't judge herself too harshly, I just don't think she's used to somebody not putting her on a pedestal.

 

Until she is honest with herself however, I hope she takes a long break from dating/relationships, because this had become toxic.

 

 

WOW. I just read this entry and it's scary how similar your situation is to mine. Although, I was in your ex-gf's position. Being new to the city and having underlying trust issues, I was very insecure and always felt the need to be reassured that everything was okay and that he wouldn't leave me. I made up really negative scenarios in my head which led me to checking his phone just one time - a complete breach of trust.

 

I haven't contacted him in over two months now, with the exception of seeing him at social events or him giving me my mail.

 

I do miss him and us - so much so that I am really considering asking him if he wants to give it another shot. I've learned so much about myself over the past couple of months and have worked on my insecurities of being alone in a new city. I've met new people and have taken up new hobbies in order to make myself feel whole again.

 

Question for you: would you appreciate it and consider taking back your ex if she wrote you a letter to apologize for her behaviour? Or would it just harbour greater resentment to the point of not even considering friendship in the future?

 

Thanks

[TLCbear]

Great post Ilovecake! May I just add for the ones who know they f*cked up and was dumped, it's pretty simple on why you shouldn't contact the dumper...so just move on! Honestly, I wouldn't care if you did, because it will not be entertained by me. Actually, I'll be estatic, lol. Shame it take sooo many of you to realize what you had until it's gone. As you can tell, I'm the dumper and always have been...and in each case (3 relationships) I have given them plenty of chances to get their act together, but never do until they realize it's actually over. Pity.

[TLCbear]

The dumper is hurting... I promise it.

 

True statement. Alot of times, it hurts to be the one to end the relationship...but sometimes it has to be done.

[TLCbear]

While I think that many dumpers feel pain, it depends on a few things, in my experience

 

1)How long the breakup was coming - if the person was pondering it for a long time, months etc, then chances are that even though it was difficult for them to end it, they have possibly already emotionally detached.

 

This is even more likely if the dumper is a woman. Many will analyze the relationship and faults for a while, talking to friends and family and once they have made the decision to end it, a lot of have already cut the ties emotionally and so they aren't left as damaged as the dumpee.

 

This is soo true for me. It's takes me a long time to end a relationship and I usually analyze and analyze and make a choice to end it when I'm at least 98% sure this is what I want to do and know i'm not going back track. I usually do all my grieving and hurting within the relationship.

 

My last relationship, I finally ended after almost 2 1/2 years, when I should have ended 6 months into the relationship when I came to find out he had signed up for dating sites. However, I wasn't ready to give up on the relationship. As long as I know I've tried to make it work, I'm cool, I really don't care what the other person thinks. Did it hurt to end the relationship? Yes, but I can say it was wayyy easier for me to move on because I already had one foot out the door anyway. If people take note, alot of times, ending relationships takes alot of planning. Good thing we wasn't married, living together, or had any kids together...and that was a big plus...because I know I have absolutely no tides to him whatsoever and there's no need for contact.

[LostinTokyo]

Great post Ilovecake! May I just add for the ones who know they f*cked up and was dumped, it's pretty simple on why you shouldn't contact the dumper...so just move on! Honestly, I wouldn't care if you did, because it will not be entertained by me. Actually, I'll be estatic, lol. Shame it take sooo many of you to realize what you had until it's gone. As you can tell, I'm the dumper and always have been...and in each case (3 relationships) I have given them plenty of chances to get their act together, but never do until they realize it's actually over. Pity.

 

 

Kinda harsh. So you aren't the type that would get back with an ex? Personally, I think some people need wake up calls. Breaking up might be what they needed to start putting more effort into the relationship. Sure they should do that on their own anyways, but it's very easy to get too comfortable in any relationship. How many of us call our parents every day? One day they're gone, you cry your heart out and realize how crappy of a child you've been. Same concept with relationships. I think some times a break up and time apart is what it takes for couples to see what the relationship means and decide whether or not to build on it and make it stronger.