how to make sure i succeed within myself... growing a spine: step 1

[subtitled]

An older friend of mine told me that as a young person "it's my job to be messed up"...

 

At the moment, i realise i have low self-esteem, and a tendency to be submissive around people i look up to. Generally those i look up to have confidence and are self-assured. That's where i've come unstuck, especially when i've ended up going out with them.

 

I will look up to these people so much so i won't be myself around them, i will go to great lengths to please them and put myself second on a regular basis. This is all ok until i start compromising my integrity and i start feeling badly for it, also it feels awful to compromise yourself for someone and then having nothing come of it.

 

I have found that when i become submissive around these people i supposedly look up to, they respond less than when i am my confident self - the self i am around my closest friends, witty, loud and usual pretty cynical.

 

Eg. I started dating a guy who i looked up to, he was, you could say, a trophy. He was talented, good looking and i thought, way out of my league. In some ways i was intimidated by him, and so lost my usual wit and cynical side around him, becoming sort of introverted and inconfident. He didn't respond to this and expressed this in his behaviour, as he began to drift. My friends said "be yourself!" so i was, more confident and free to be loud etc. but then this relationship didn't last anyway, we were too incompatible. I only went out with him, it seems, because he was this trophy.

 

From this relationship (very brief at 6 weeks long), i realised i change myself too much for people i look up to, that i have to develop some confidence in myself and not get so attached to people. I've decided to use this year and starting a newish lifestyle - i just finished high school, i'm turning 18, off to University, etc. to get some confidence.

 

Ok.. what i want to ask is - methods of doing this?

 

i have a particular situation coming up i need help with.

 

I haven't seen the trophy ex for about a month. I broke up with him when he began to drift and become distant, but he insisted we still see eachother as friends, so we did. I realised this only made me feel weird and brought back feelings of insecurities i had before. Anyway, i'm due to see him this weekend.

I want him there so i can experiment with being confident and myself around him. I want to be social and busy with other people so much that i don't devote attention to him unnecessairly and prove to myself i have it in me to move on and show him i am a strong person and aren't hurt by him.

However, i fear that if i go there and don't achieve this, this being social and ignoring (to a degree), then i will feel awful.

 

Anyone have any strategies to use in this situation - how do i make myself feel good and important when im at this gathering he will be at and not insecure and below him like i did before when i was with him?

[reasontosigh]

Let's see...I'm guessing this is some type of social setting - a party, perhaps? Will any of your other friends be there? That would certainly help.

[flannelpajamas]

I say you have already succeeded by committing to try to be the person you want to be. If it does not work out like you visualize, you are still a winner for taking the step. And it would be one step closer to the life you want.

Go for it girl.

[reasontosigh]

I totally agree there.

 

Unfortunately I don't have any advice to offer regarding her upcoming situation, but didn't want this thread languishing in no-reply land (it was 3 pages back for me at the time I made my earlier post). I dare say I could also learn a thing or two from the replies!

[subtitled]

thankyou for the replies..

 

yes, it's my friend's barbecue, in that my ex is only invited as he is my ex and a good friend of mine's long time friend from childhood.. ie. he has two connections to people coming to the party and will add numbers and supposedly fun levels to the gathering.

 

thanks for the support flanelette pyjamas! i guess you're right.. i'm on my way whether i get it perfectly right this time or not.