Tell me I did the right thing...

[saintfrancis]

Ok everybody,

 

I vowed not to post here... but I need the support of all you LSers that have been through what I'm going through now. I am having a sleepless night and just need some support.

 

I broke up with MM a couple of weeks ago (or so). We had a 2+ year relationhip. We have traded several heartfelt emails since then, but I have set my boundaries -- no contact unless it is something I NEED to know. He recently wrote me that they are legally separating. Not because of anything having to do with me, I haven't talked to him in (other than the emails) in a while. We do have some business stuff that we may still be working on together but so far I haven't heard much from him about it. Not sure why because he usually responds to me right away, but whatever.

 

I guess tonight I am just having trouble sleeping and need some support. My head knows I did the right thing by calling it off and having no contact. But, my heart is heavy. :-( I could post my story but I won't go into details yet. All you really need to know right now is... I did what had to be done... but I am nursing a broken heart. I miss him and I want to cry.

 

Just tell me I did the right thing. Or tell me something (besides flaming me...)...

 

Thanks everyone. I guess I am joining the crowd out in the open now.

 

Teary-eyed...

 

saintfrancis

[dyermaker]

Most suffer over the loss of something that was bad for them to begin with.

 

Those who take heroin suffer through a vindictive, terrorizing withdrawal. Those who are strong enough to overcome it look back on their heroin days in shame, when evil conquered them, they weren't in control. The very nature of being the 'other woman' is a lack of control. It seems counterintuitive that regaining control would cause so much suffering, but it's what happens. It's your withdrawal from suffering, and your journey towards your own life, emotionally independent of your married man.

 

Yes, you're doing the right thing, and it's okay to cry. It's okay to miss him. The fact that you knew it "had to be done" and acted upon it makes you one of the lucky ones.

 

best of luck

[Fancy]

Yes, you did the right thing. You know you did. I know it's human nature to listen to our heart, but remember, there's no brain there. Listen to your head and do what you know you need to do.

 

You simply have to ride out this storm. I know the pain and loss is tremendous now but you won't feel this way forever. I promise! The worst thing you can do is to keep in contact with him. It will only prolong your pain. When you feel weak, come here and post. We'll help you through.

[Errol]

YES! You did the right thing - the best thing. Often the best things hurt the worst - but hold on to your integrity and let the fact that you made the right decision give you strength to get through this.

 

Congratulations on moving ahead and making good decisions--I admire your strength! Cyber-hugs to you!

[passoutwishes]

I believe you did the right thing. I'm in the exact same situation, I don't want to do this, I know I have no choice, but I cannot believe the weight that is on my chest each and every day.

[saintfrancis]

Thank you, everyone. Keep 'em coming, it really helps to get this kind of support. Ironic that it is coming from total strangers!

 

I know I did the right thing, I just can't help having very mixed feelings. Knowing that they have started a separation makes me feel like I am going to miss out now... but I know in my head that's the wrong way to see it. I've read many posts here in lurk mode, and the recurring theme I've come across is that IF any divorce takes place, it is really better emotionally and legally not to be involved at all at that point. That's what I told him, too.

 

He has respected my desire for no contact except where necessary. But now I have an added complication... I was/am supposed to do a work-related project for him. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to do it. Yet I know that would only prolong the process of breaking free. I could REALLY use the money, though. Things are not great for me financially right now. But Fancy is right, keeping in contact in any way is bad news. Ugh. My mind is just too full of thoughts right now to make any further decisions.

[SoleMate]

You did do the right thing, I am quite sure. God bless you for your strength. Now we won't have to be comforting you 10 or 15 years from now when the MM still hasn't come through.

 

You say you're nursing a broken heart...That's true! So take care of yourself just like your mom did way back when if you had a sore throat or headache. Bedrest, juice, TV, books, dates...well whatever... stay busy and BTW, forget the project with him. I know you need the money but you need the freedom and peace of mind WAY more.

 

BTW, go ahead and cry. In fact, I would force myself to cry and spend a long weekend in bed replaying all the pain and lies and betrayal over and over, to see if I could fill a bucket with my tears. Then have a bunch of friends take me out for dinner and a movie Sunday night. I'd be sick of crying by then, and ready to laugh!

[saintfrancis]

Hi SoleMate,

 

The "problem" with my situation, if you want to call it a problem, is that he never lied to me about wether he was going to get a divorce. The worst that happened is that he would talk about dates of when he was thinking of starting proceedings, but those times came and went for various reasons. Yes, that WAS bad, I am not in denial here. But, by the same token he never promised me he would get divorced, never made promises about the future. Yes, he fantasized about what our life would be like together, but that never turned into "I will leave her." It was always understood between us that if it happened, it would have to happen without me. And I never pressured him about it either. Truth be told, I wanted him for myself, but I didn't want to be the cause of their breakup. I left him because I finally convinced myself that if he decides to stay in the marriage, then I need to get on with my life, and IF he does ever get divorced, it would be better for everyone if I was not in the picture.

 

I guess if he never loved me then I could say that his telling me he loved me and wanted us to be together "for real" were the lies. But I believe he loved me, I believe he still does. Mind you, maybe he didn't love me enough. Maybe he loved me, but loved the diversion from a bad home life more. I don't know. I guess my point here is that I can and will take all of your suggestions (I have plenty of movies and books to read, and friends to go out with!), but I can't villify him for making promises that he didn't make. I guess that makes it even harder! If he were a total a$$, it would be easier to get over it. My head hurts...

[SoleMate]

You know what, even if he had been a total A$$, you wouldn't be able to see it or admit it. From my perspective, the teasing you with divorce possibilities and misusing the word "love" was bad enough. And he certainly let you persist in the belief that there was a chance of a future. The MM pattern is that they always say and do just enough to keep the OW there. Did he ever come out and say, "As much as I love having you as my physical/emotional relief valve, I do want you to know that you will always come second to my needs. In fact, you will come tenth, after me, my wife, my kids, and various other people's issues are taken care of, as well as my finances, health, friendships, and career."

 

You know, I love my kids. And I would never use them, or seek my own good above theirs. I would sacrifice heavily for them. Has your MM ever sacrificed anything for you?

 

Your story may be different from every other MM/OW story we've heard here, but the numbers are against it.

[saintfrancis]

I know where I stood in line, and you are right, in general it wasn't first. I can tell you, however, that MM did put himself on the line for me on several occasions, one time in particular when, if found out, could have cost him heavily (I'm not talking anything illegal here!). He also went out of his way to help me with some problems I was having. So yes he did sacrifice for me, HOWEVER... I am certainly not going to say that my story is all that different than others out there. Those occasions when he stuck his neck out for me were admittedly at least as frequent if less so, as the times when I came second, third or tenth even, and when I was NOT a priority. There were enough other times when he wasn't there for me, and acted uncharacteristically distant, etc., that is for sure.

 

How do other people leave these situations? What propels them out, and once they're out, prevents them from going back? For me, there were enough times where I was not no. 1 that I finally said I'd had enough. Then thoughts of all the good times creep up and my heart sinks. I have no intention of getting back with him, I guess I just need to tell someone these feelings as I experience them because my friends and family don't know about this whole thing. I am finding it very helpful, especially the PMs I've shared. Thank you everyone for listening.

[jester]

It's not easy to say final good-byes to a 2+ year relationship, which , no doubt, gave you much enjoyment and provided meaning to your life. You're among the walking wounded, now. I can relate.

 

Endings are a bitch--regardless of the legitimacy of the relationship. You're not alone. There are many here among you suffering the same type of inconsolable loss. LoveShack is a depositary of broken hearts.

 

I can tell you that partings like this are often not permanent. The fact that you will work with the MM--now separated--creates a strong possibility of some type of resumption. Fasten your seat belts, I suspect this wild ride is not over.

[saintfrancis]

I did work with him, and have the possibility of doing another project with him. I haven't accepted nor declined it yet. I told him I need to think about it. I really do need the money, but of course, in the grand scheme of things money is not what I really want. If I can be totally honest here... it would of course be a way for us to keep in touch if I were to do this project. I know that. And I know that part of me wants that. A big part of me. I also know that it took a lot of self discipline for me to break it off and I don't want to undo my progress so far. Then again, the thought of him moving on and possibly, or probably, finding someone else just makes my stomach hurt in the worst way. Of course I can't stop that from happening, if that's what he's going to do then he'll do it. I have no reason to believe that's what he's doing, but it wouldn't surprise me either. As you can see, my head is all over the place. So, I've decided to do nothing for the time being - no notes to him, no work, nothing - and just regain my composure first.

[Chicane]

Hi ,

 

I have been following your story and I am in admiration of your strength and smart sense in dealing with this MM situation that seemed to be going no where quick , 2 years is a long time to be in Limbo .

 

I posted my own story recently , I'm divorced seeing a MF , and have had a wealth of comfort as well as head smacking replies from the people on this Love Shack site . This affair stuff sucks to say the least . But you are a good & strong woman to have finally made the decision to pull away .

 

I have only been involved with my MF for the last 3 months really heavy , so my situation is fairly new and I'm not ready to make that decision to pull away just yet . But looking from you shoes , it is so hard to pull away isn't it ?? I always believed we don't choose who we can Love , it just happens . Matters of the heart aren't something that can be applied with logic all the time .

 

I know how you feel so empty when they aren't around , when there may be days between calls or visits . And how alone & empty you feel when your lover departs . You feel almost worthless because the value of your heart seems to lack a concrete commitment from all sides except your own . You show faith & devotion where there is none really returned . That is so hard to deal with . It get's to the point where self worth and whether you even deserve to be happy comes into question . I feel that all the time , but it seems to go away when you get that visit or call , but it always comes back afterwards . I know the stats seem to reflect that 80% of married people are having affairs , but it seems that only 15-20% of the affairs ever work out for the other Male or Female , pretty low return for a personal investment of such high costs . Seems sort of pointless in my head , logically as well , but again the heart listens to it's own feelings and the logic is usually tossed aside for the dream that we wish for .

 

I hope you get over this quickly , and if you had the strength to call it off , stick to it . 2 Years is too long of your life to waste , now that you've done the hardest part , the rest of it should get easier as time goes on . And this gives you a chance to find someone who's life isn't so complicated with other commitments - that you can start anew and keep going knowing the Love of your life will be there for you full time , and not when it can be fit into gaps of their own lives .

 

Good luck - I hope I too will soon have the strength you have shown when I'm finished pounding me head against the wall , it isn't easy being in our boots regardless if it's a moral situation or not .

 

Tis better to have Love & Lost , then to Have Never Loved before .

 

I have found a Love that is not all mine ,

Though my Heart has given all of me .

This Dream I can only hope to become true ,

But when I awake , it's all the same .. alone .

 

Find Love - it's worth It !!

[saintfrancis]

Hi Chicane (and everyone!),

 

I guess I am remiss in posting anything recently -- except a few here and there on other threads, but not my own. Things are about the same for me, ended it with MM and so far am sticking with it. We are in contact, however, I can't lie. But, the affair is over. I have asked him not to mention ANYTHING to me about his wife or any divorce proceedings (last I knew they were pursuing a separation but I don't even know where that stands and I haven't asked). There have been a few times he has dropped hints about "things happening that he can't tell me about because I asked him not to." WHATEVER!! I wonder if those little references aren't just his way of seeing how I'll react, or maybe of just keeping him in my mind.

 

 

Originally posted by Chicane

I have only been involved with my MF for the last 3 months really heavy , so my situation is fairly new and I'm not ready to make that decision to pull away just yet . But looking from you shoes , it is so hard to pull away isn't it ?? I always believed we don't choose who we can Love , it just happens . Matters of the heart aren't something that can be applied with logic all the time .

 

It IS hard to pull away, and unfortunately I cannot claim to be sticking to the "no contact" rule... however, I AM sticking with the breaking up part. I am sorry to hear you are in something similar.... All I can say is, there comes a point where you have to "just do it." I'm not sure if I mentioned in any of my other posts, that the precipitating factor for me was that his wife had a breakdown (supposedly -- this is only what he tells me, and I can't say that I belive everything he says), and he felt responsible for pulling her out of it. That was the final straw for me. I went the no contact route for almost two weeks, after which we regained contact -- but no further involvement.

 

I know how you feel so empty when they aren't around , when there may be days between calls or visits . And how alone & empty you feel when your lover departs . You feel almost worthless because the value of your heart seems to lack a concrete commitment from all sides except your own . You show faith & devotion where there is none really returned . That is so hard to deal with . It get's to the point where self worth and whether you even deserve to be happy comes into question .

 

I will say that I certainly missed him when he wasn't around while we were involved -- and still DO miss him in many ways.... But I am concerned about the tone of your post. Please... don't ever let someone else dictate your own self-worth!! I KNOW it's easier said than done, but what you're saying sounds like it could be very bad for you. I was having a bout of feeling crappy about myself tonight because of him, and I sat there in my car (I was driving at the time) saying to myself that I have a lot going for me and I SHOULD REALIZE THAT!! People have told me they think I'm beautiful (not just my mother either! hehe), I am a somewhat accomplished dancer, my dad even said to me last year that I have more brains than anyone in our family, and that I could be whatever I want to be if I put my mind to it! Ok, I'm not trying to brag, seriously. I'm just saying that I really HAVE been blessed in many ways, and it's a crying shame that I have brushed my assets aside so easily, and have not gone after someone who could really be mine. I know, who you love is never predictable.. and in many ways I do not regret loving this man. He has given me much more than I asked for... but alas, not enough.

 

I hope you get over this quickly , and if you had the strength to call it off , stick to it . 2 Years is too long of your life to waste , now that you've done the hardest part , the rest of it should get easier as time goes on . And this gives you a chance to find someone who's life isn't so complicated with other commitments - that you can start anew and keep going knowing the Love of your life will be there for you full time , and not when it can be fit into gaps of their own lives .

 

I hope I stick to it, too. I have so far... I do not have any plans to go back to him, but then who really plans these things? lol. I was watching TV today thinking about my situation. I admit I was thinking about him WAY too much tonight. Well, while watching TV I got engrossed in the program, and then a couple minutes later I realized - HEY! I'm not thinking about him!! Woohoo!! I have more and more moments like those. I guess if I was REALLY smart, though, I would knock of any contact with him... But as someone said in a different thread, it's the loss of a friend, of intimacy (not the sexual kind that I'm referring to), that really bites. I think that's the worst. He was the one I would call with any sort of current events in my life, and he would share/still does share his with me. Well, at least I have the comfort of knowing I ended the romantic relationship. Don't know what will come of the friendship, if anything.

 

Good luck to you too, Chicane. I really hope for the best for you. I am convinced that we all have a lot more strength within ourselves to do the most difficult things.... it's only a matter of believing that about yourself, and acting on it. Hard to do when your emotions are pulling you in another direction, I know. I really hope for my own sake that I will make this stick. And for you that you will find a way out of your situation that doesn't leave you devastated. Take care of yourself!

[Arabess]

SF,

I'm so glad to hear things are getting better for you!!!!

 

I think if you can manage it....trying to stay friends while you 'wean yourself' off of him is much easier than just QUITTING. After my break up.....it took me awhile too to get to the place where I no longer wanted any sort of contact.

 

My situation was a little different.....but ultimately they are all the same. You could bunch up all the OW posts....lay them in a row....and most people would have a hard time picking which one was theirs! LOL!

 

You hang in there!! ............and you too Chicane!!!.....

 

Love is about so much more than hanging onto false promises and love in the shadows!

[saintfrancis]

Thanks Arabess. I still owe you an email. D'oh!

 

 

Maybe this will help any OW/OM out there who are contemplating wether to stay or to go. This is going to sound grim, but it's the cold hard truth that sometimes gives you the strength to carry on, so I'll share some of my private thoughts in the hopes that they will help others...

 

Almost every night, for I don't know how long now, I go to bed alone. I think to myself, almost every night, how the day has flown by so quickly! Where did the day go? I think to myself this is another day that I have been alone. Another night I am going to bed alone. And every night it seems like the day hardly started before it was over... To be honest, it scares the sh*t out of me. I am still fairly young, but not a starry-eyed twenty-something any longer. I want to find a man of my own... and where is he? Not with me. At night in my bed alone, I think of all the days that have flown by that I spent on my ex-MM. Two years equals about 730 days, and I know it's more than that because it's been slightly over 2 years now. 730 days that I could have let someone into my life who is available and who wants to pursue me. 730 days that are gone forever, there is no way to get them back.

 

I don't want to go to bed alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the muttering old lady that I saw in the grocery store today. I want a husband (my OWN husband), maybe kids, who knows. But I want my own family. Every day that I give my energy to him instead of opening myself up to someone who can really love me, is another night that I spend alone. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will end up in my 40s still alone. Or my 50s. I am afraid that when my parents die I will have no one.

 

I cannot continue to let my life slip away from me. I try and picture myself living some alternate life that I COULD (and hopefully WILL) have, if I don't continue to waste it on a married man.

 

I do not regret loving this man. I still love him. I have known joy and, ironically, contentment with him that I hadn't known in a long time. I do still wish that we could be together. But I know it is very unlikely. And the days are blowing by me so fast sometimes I can hear their wind screaching in my head, and the nights alone are growing in number. I want someone beside me in my bed, with a ring on both our fingers. I will never get there if I don't let him go.

 

 

These are thoughts that I have every night. It's not right that I am still alone and uncertain about my future. I hope these thoughts help someone else decide to take back their own life. And I hope that tomorrow, or next week or next month, when I re-read what I just wrote here, that I will be saving myself from slipping back into any relationship with him.

[kjblondie]

You did the right thing I am sure of that. I am right where you are right now only I just ended it 3 days ago. My heart is breaking and I only cry and lay in my bed. I guess that is depression. We have to move own. I just don't know how. How did we let ourselves get into this mess? KJ

[SoleMate]

Just the other day, Dear Abby printed a letter from an OW who was asking, after 22 years, whether her MM would ever divorce his wife and marry her.

 

22 years.

 

Twenty-two years.

 

I'll thank the stars above, on your behalf, that you have only spent a small part of your irreplaceable life on this will o' the wisp.

[saintfrancis]

[Skittles]

....Ya know, the more I think about it, if I was a mm with a dutiful wife at home and an adoring girlfriend to mess around with, I would take about 55 years to decide to leave my wife.....and after that, maybe another ten more.

[moimeme]

Sure, why not? TWO women falling over themselves to please you. Hell of a deal! He'd be nuts to leave, really.