Why I will never find a girl like her.. Very sad!

[harkkam]

This thought has been plaguing me so much recently.

 

She was pretty, she had a slim body and was fit. Physically she was in better shape then I was.

 

To top that off she was when I knew her the kindest most gentle person that I knew.

 

-She helped strangers

-She would stop me and get me to look at wonderful things in nature

-She would talk about life and its struggles and inspire me to be stronger

-She would talk about how this world can be a better place

-She only started one argument with me in in our one year relationship

-She changed all the things about her that bothered me

-She would make lots of effort toward our relationship sometimes traveling 1 and a half hour to see me for thirty min

-She was willing to convert to my religion to make my family happy

-She loved to take care of me sexually and always wanted me to touch her

-She used to cry sometimes when I would leave her

-She had a sex appeal to her that was just indescribable in words

-She would try her best to find positive energy in bad times

-She was a virgin

-She many times would tell me how she wanted to learn about my the religions customs my culture and she read a whole book and learnt about my religion and even visited a church with me during service. (Later on I realized It was wrong to make a person convert to make my family happy, she did tell me how hard it was for her but wanted to do it anyway.)

-She was never raised to be affectionate and I asked her to be and she returned affection in droves.

-She had emotionally cheated in the first month of our relationship and I confronted her about it, she apologized, took a month break and then cut off contact with this person. She said she had always had messed up relationships and just didnt know right from wrong. She never once even after that talked to this person. I remember her friend even asking her one time on her phone "hey come hang out he will be there" and she said "No I dont want to, why would I, I also told him I would respect him"

-She told me that she would be okay for not seeing me for three months so I could focus on my MCATS and she said it would be hard but she would do it for me and loved me and my dreams. She would tell me "baby dont give up your dreams thats all we have in life and I want you to work hard and never give up"

-She would on the morning of my tests text me "Baby eat a good breakfast I was reading that eating a healthy breakfast and having some protein will help with focus, I know you can do this, I love you"

-She would say a million sweet things like "I love you my sexy man and i cant wait to have you come over and hold me, i feel so safe in your arms" and things like that all the time. At night she would tell me "baby i miss you and I can see your image here next to me in my bed, I want to lie next to you."

or "I cant wait to spend my life with you sweetie" etc

-She one time met my cousins and she took such good care of them she took her scarf off and she put it around my cousin who is 8. It was cold and she said to my cousin "I want you to know you are really pretty okay always remember that" and then said "Come here give me a big hug" to which I then held my ex and looked into her eyes and said "baby you are so wonderful thank you" and kissed her.

-

 

 

--

 

She had to work so her family could eat otherwise they would starve. I bought her the winter coat because she didn't have one to keep her warm.

She didnt have money to eat lunch sometimes so she could buy the train ticket to her college.

 

When she came from a different country, she and her family lived in the basement of a school for seven years in brooklyn and worked for the school to survive. She knew how tough life could get and never took any person, young old or rich or poor for granted or mistreated them or showed them and disrespect.

 

She would stop and talk to strangers and try and put a smile on their face, by telling them to find their inner strength and find love. I know this because of the stories she used to tell me and her adventures.

 

--

 

We would go to manhattan often and find romantic places to sit and observe the skyline or just eat and enjoy each others company.

 

When her body would be close to mine, I could feel her spirit and I felt like God and some higher power had sent me to help her in her struggles. That a part of me was supposed to be there for her and love her and stand by her side and give her the opportunity in life to succeed.

 

I have so many memories of just me and her walking quietly in the night holding hands and just laughing and giggling about random things.

 

--

 

But All I did was bring her down with my insecurity and immaturity to the point of pushing her away from me. Sure we had good moments but I am leaving out the bad.

 

-I argued with her for 45 min because she wore clothes that made me feel uncomfortable

-I got mad at her for changing her mind on a trip we had planned because she wanted to stay with her sick mother. She had said three days, I paid and then she changed it to two because she felt like three was too much after I had made the reservations. So i blew up on her.

-I broke up with her four times because my parents told me that I could not be with her because she was from a diff religion. She took me back every time I said I'm sorry.

-I got mad at her for not supporting my stereotype of a certain kind of people and not believing that ALL of the people in that religion were bad

-I got mad at her for wanting four children and that it was her religion that was making her feel that way.

-I got mad at her and told her I didnt want her parents influencing our future kids and wanted them to stay away from our kids.

-I got mad at her for once saying to me "get that with your own money" in a supermarket I blew up on her for thirty min on her about that.

-I got mad at her for wanting to keep a part of her life secret, she said "I am not comfortable sharing this with you" and I argued for an hour and made her tell me what it was.

-I got mad at her one time at a movie theater because she wanted to walk around with 3d glasses on and just be silly and I said "stop this you're embarrassing me"

-I would get irritated at her and just lost in my own world thinking about my own problems and just drift away into my own world and ruin a date.

-I got mad at her because she wanted to help her family with money and I said "What if your brothers dont work and you just use up all our money and I dont have any money to do fun things with" when I should have realized that if it was my family that needed money my own brother I would want my partner to understand.

-I broke up with her when I found out what she had was herpes. I told her "I dont want herpes and I am positive I will stay but if I am negative I will leave because we broke up to many times and I dont want it" - THIS was the final straw

 

-----

Thats all the fights we had that i remb of the top of my head but I'm sure there were more.

 

We had many happy times as well. We were planning to move in together and get married in about a year or two. Our relationship lasted a year but was very up and down.

 

-----

 

I can see my mistakes as clear as day. I DIDNT deserve a woman like her, I made so many mistakes and I let my FEAR, and worry get to me but deep down I have a good caring heart but was just too scared to control myself and not HURT her in the process. I couldnt stop myself from blowing up, she never ONCE blew up on me.

 

----

 

She was the sexiest girl that I knew, every time we would be driving at night and she would be fast asleep in the passenger seat I would look over to her and see her and just say "damn she is gorgeous im such a lucky guy"

 

---

 

So being and turning 24 now. Realizing that

 

1. Many woman who are as beautiful as her will NEVER have the qualities that she did as a person

2. Many woman PERIOD dont respect others and are selfish and self centered thinking about themselves first.

3. So many women are caustic and emotional to the point of berating like the girl I knew before this one. Just pent up and angry, look at any club or bar, nose high in the sky attitude

 

The chances of finding another girl like her are close to zero for me. Unless somebody CAN show me otherwise

 

---------

 

The whole point of this thread is to ask, "Whats the point in living life, if you feel like you've lost the ONE forever?"

 

I am asking out of a logical place. I drove around the city visting all the places we used to see each other and I closed my eyes in each spot and remembered a time she was standing there and coming into my car or walking with me and enjoying each others company. I cried in each and every spot in the city that we were in at. Every corner in the city that we walked. Now its over.

 

If you are so sure that she was the BEST thing that happened to you and will BE the best, wouldnt it be best to end life now than twenty thirty years later filled with pain?

 

Shouldnt I say "okay I've met her, thank god she was part of your life and I got to experience her now its time to go?"

Edited July 8, 2010 by harkkam

[LoveTruthChaos]

I don't mean to sound concieted, but I am EXTREMELY similar to how you've described your ex to be like (minus the part about religion and cheating).

 

There you go - you just met another girl like her

And guess what? I'm not the only one!

 

You will find another. One who won't cheat on you.

Best of luck

[harkkam]

i keep having thoughts about killing myself though over and over

[supersub]

i keep having thoughts about killing myself though over and over

 

Harkam,

 

We all mess up, and we learn from it, and we become better people, maybe for our ex's or maybe for someone better.

 

This is a challenge, and I understand how you feel my friend, because I've been there. Had the rows and the regrets

 

But killing yourself? Come on man. You are a good guy and here's the good news you know you messed up, right? Well apply what you have learned, and strive forward as a more confident person without the illusion that is fear. You will look back on this experience and realize it happened for a reason. You will also probably laugh.

 

The good will out, and things DO get better.

 

Okay man?

 

Supersub.

[This Hurts]

I know you won't believe anyone who tells you there are others in the world like her, but there are.

 

One thing I noticed from your post is she changed a lot for you. Though it's sweet that she would do that for you, people like to be loved for who they are and maybe at the end of the day she thought she sacrificed HERSELF for you and that's not typically a good thing. I've never been in that position, so I can't speak from experience, but I can speak from observations and it's good to get opinions from "the outside looking in". Maybe she cheated because she wanted someone to love and care about her for who she is initially, and not someone who'd love her after adjusting to their "ideal". I have a friend who's currently going through a breakup from a relationship in which she changed a lot for him (even a religion conversion, like your situation) and she told me the one thing she learned is to not change for anyone.

 

I guess people who change themselves a lot for others eventually step back and realize they're completely different people than they were before, and it doesn't feel right. People like to be loved for exactly what they are, because that's unconditional love.

 

Everybody makes mistakes and I know what it's like to kick yourself when you're down because you feel like YOU'RE the one who ****ed up, but you have to understand that you're not the only one who screwed up. There's no justification for cheating, and that was a HUGE screw-up on her part. She's not perfect, like you think she is. If she was unhappy with the relationship or how much she was changing, she should have confronted you about it but instead she ran and took the immature and coward alternative.

 

Also, you describe her to be such a good and Christ-like person, but would someone like that cheat and hurt someone as much as she has to you?

 

If you can afford it, you should get a therapist. It won't hurt

[Nikki Sahagin]

Again, not to sound conceited, but I can tick a lot of the things off the list you have mentioned.

 

Its wonderful that she sacrificed a lot for you, but i'm assuming you and I come from very different cultures. It doesn't sound as though you sacrificed ANYTHING for her, so maybe you are looking back and missing her selflessness, but perhaps if you truly loved her, you wouldn't have let her sacrifice so much for you, perhaps you'd even have sacrificed something of yourself or your culture for her, as she did for you.

 

I think too much sacrifice is not love. She had to become a different person in many ways to fit with what was your ideal or acceptable to you. In this way she was not herself. No matter how angelic, kind, compassionate or supposedly perfect she was, hopefully you can meet a woman than wont need to change for you to be happy with her, or someone that you will be able to change for as she also changes for you. I think you will be able to learn an awful lot from this experience.

 

I read your thread and couldn't fully grasp why your relationship ended, but I hope you learn for future reference to not let fear dominate you. Fear is an animal instinct that is not always rational. Be strong and secure in yourself but learn to be open and loving to those that show you no harm, otherwise you will kill love.

[harkkam]

I know guys I made mistakes.

 

I am just filled with regret because everything you are saying is correct.

 

I am ASHAMED for letting her change so much. It was not fair and was not unconditional love.

 

Wrong...wrong for me.

 

Thats why I feel so bad. I feel like I drove my soul mate away.

 

I am getting a therapist for sure.

[spriggig]

There is no such thing as "The One". There are many thousand of them. In walking distance.

 

On OKCupid you can make an account, answer up to 3500 questions and then search for "The One". You can add so many criteria that your list of matches becomes zero. Or you can broaden your search to the point that you get literally thousands of "matches."

 

I'll bet this "The One" you're pining after wouldn't even match you at 50%, in spite of the pedestal she currently resides upon. Random chance meetings have a tendency to produce only average matches, you see.

 

I can guarantee this, though, you won't find another "The One" if you choose never to look again--kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, no?

 

(I don't think OKCupid is any better really, but it is an eye-opener.)

[sao2]

You are absolutely right. You will never find another "her" She is unique with her own strengths and weaknesses. The fact that you realize this is actually a good thing.

 

One mistake I made when "she" and I broke up was to look for "her" in other women. Kind of like "chasing Amy" if you will. I had built up this ideal of who she was and I spent a lot of time looking for that. Any girl that didn't meet the qualities I was looking for was simply unsuitable for me to pursue. Well, no woman could be my idealized version of her and so no woman could measure up.

 

As a result I let myself be unhappy for a very long time while I "chased Amy". Then one day I realized what I was doing and I started allowing myself to pursue other women. Women that had their own virtues and faults separate from hers. Is this what I wanted? No, but it has its own appeal and it is wonderful in its own right. I admit, I still wish I was with her, but freeing myself of "her" or a clone being the only options allowed me to find happiness elsewhere.

[Gero]

I feel bad because I met a girl that I believe is a lot like what you described and I am doing the same exact thing. My own insecurities and everything are getting in the way. We only knew each other for a few weeks and went on 3 dates, but I sorta blew it. She felt awkward with the way I was going on about stuff and told me to call her when I "got over my issues". She wasn't mean about it or anything and I know she still likes me, but it was just too much for her.

 

It's only been a few days, but I still think of her almost all of the time. I really hope I haven't blew my chance forever and I hope that someday soon I will be able to be the man that she deserves and things will work out.

[Nikki Sahagin]

When we feel we don't deserve love or we are suspicious and led by our fears or negative thinking, habits or belief systems, other people being loving towards us can feel very unfamiliar and we can distrust it and push it away.

 

I know i've done it myself. I had a guy who treated me amazingly and did loads of little things for me, but I pushed him away because I couldn't understand why anyone could love me that much, I was waiting for the catch, for it all to go wrong, for him to cheat or lie, the thoughts I believed in.

 

There is no use in regretting because most of us do this at some stage. Just remember what you've learnt for the next woman.

[harkkam]

how do I live with the regret and pain that she had what I wanted and blew it.

[sao2]

Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes but when looking back we have to realize we did the best we could. Somtimes we get too emotional to make the right decision but that has to be allowed for.

[McGrupp]

she has herpes = not perfect

 

be happy bout not getting that!

[spriggig]

...but I pushed him away because I couldn't understand why anyone could love me that much, I was waiting for the catch, for it all to go wrong, for him to cheat or lie, the thoughts I believed in.

 

You have to love yourself before you can understand why someone else would love you.

 

To thine own self be true.

[Green]

she has herpes = not perfect

 

be happy bout not getting that!

 

She has oral herpes... you can pretty much get that from any one as a lot of people like the OP's gf get it as kids.

 

No one is perfect.

[This Hurts]

how do I live with the regret and pain that she had what I wanted and blew it.

 

I used to feel like this, too. Though I definitely don't recommend this (it hurts like hell), I stayed in contact with her for a while and realized how big of a b*tch she is. Man, she's like Satan! I don't think I could ever describe how bad of a person my ex is. Then I went NC and it wasn't THAT bad. It still hurt, no doubt about that, but the pain was less than the pain I was feeling while I was talking to her 'cause she was just so cruel.

 

I think to get over the regret you have to realize their flaws. Because then you'll realize that it's not all your fault. But you don't have to be in contact with them to do this. Also, try raising your self-esteem, that should help tremendously. You mentioned you have low self-esteem issues, so try getting therapy and then start working out and pick up any hobby you're interested in. That helps, too, but you have to be ready (something I've learned) or you won't stick to it or have the enthusiasm for it.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Maverick1983]

Hi harkkam.I understand you're pain and frustration.What happens alot of the time though when we mess up is that we tend to put our exs on a pedistal.You didn't mean to act the way you did obviously because you regret your actions. I hope that you can find comfort in the fact that you now have clarity to what you did wrong and if you don't get back with her at least you can build a strong foundation for the next girl you meet by learning from this.Keep your chin up and remember that you found this girl by being who you were back then so try and get your life back on track mate by keeping busy.