How much time till i'm 'over her' and ready to move on?

[Kanuk]

I'm back again... and this is probably the wrong forum to post this on, but it kind of feels like home here. I'll probably put this on the dating forum as well.

 

Anyways, many many many of you followed my story about my ex and gave me great advice that i subsiquently threw out the window and only followed some of the time. Well, hindsight is 20/20.

 

Anyways, i've started datig again, and i emt a nice girl who's a friend of a friend. She seems to really like me, and i like her too. Here's the problem(s)

 

1. I rarely, but do occasionally, compare her to the ex.

2. While we just met and haven't seen each other as much, she doesn't win these comparrison contests in my head.

3. I still think that if my ex called me up and wanted me back, i would take off and leave this girl behind (with a complete explanation of course) and go back to the ex.

 

What should I do? Should i just tell her to be friends until i stop thinking this way, or should i date her in order to get to know her better so that that is the cause of not thinking this way.

 

Since I've never been dumped days before i've been ready to prupose to someone, I don't know what it takes and how long it takes to get over someone. And while I know that no 2 cases are alike, i'm looking for the tell tale signs that i've moved on.

 

Yes, i still love my ex. I don't think that will ever change, but I want her to be happy, and since she can't be happy with me, i want to leave her alone. Yes, i still think about her, but not as much as i used to (still daily though) and not in such a "I'm lost without her" sort of way. It doesn't sound to me like i'm over her, but i do really like this new girl. Concequently, i don't want to hurt her like i was hurt, so what does one do? Play it out until the ex disapears from my mind almost completly, or don't persue this relationship until i stop thinking about the ex?

 

Sorry, i know my posts are always long, but thanks for reading them, and thanks for any advice.

[jmargel]

Depending on the situation it could take days, weeks, months or years. You'll always occassionily think about your 'ex', its just a natural thing to do. Comparing someone is also kinda natural but I wouldn't tell her that you are doing this. Does this girl know about your past? If she doesnt, she probably deserves too.

 

As for your ex calling and you taking her back, what is the chance of that happening? With this current girl, I'd just take things slow. Its a big process to get over someone. Usually the person who does the dumping has already gotten over their mate when they do it. To the person who got dumped its a process they have to go through that their ex-mate has already been through.

 

Don't goto the same places with her as you did with your ex. Try different & new things. Eventually overtime the feeling you have will disappear.

[theedge]

Its hard when it hasn't been long between you and the ex. I can say everyone has done the comparison thing, but if your saying it to the new person, try to keep it to a minimum. I was somewhat of a rebound for my ex, and she compared us a lot. I learned after that, that it can be a red flag they need time.

 

I still think about my ex and its hard not to dwell on it. I get reminders also with her living right beside a building that can be seen from all over the city. I have made sure to as the other poster said to avoid places you went with your ex.

 

You may have to take this new girl very slow. If you feel a relationship isn't good at this time, let her know. She may decide that its best for her to continue looking, but see how things go with you guys.

[SoleMate]

Kanuk, I've read some of your early posts and I think you're a really cool person. (I was going to say "NICE GUY" but I know that's a phrase that sets some of you good ones off.) You care about other people, you're honest, you know how to love, you're an engineer so you can fix stuff, and all and all you sound like someone I'd love to know (if I weren't already married that is).

 

Don't ever expect that your ex will be TOTALLY gone from your mind. Hey, you still think about your second grade teacher every now and then, right? You'll know that you're ready to move on when you're with another girl, and you're both feeling affection, and you've discovered a bunch of things about her that you really like even better than you liked your ex, and you'll realize that even if your ex were there saying, "Take me back!" (which by the way I don't think she ever will) you would just kinda smile and say, "Thanks, but I don't think so" and MEAN IT.

 

That day WILL come, and it will come quicker if you date CASUALLY with girls. You said you don't want to be a heartbreaker - good for you! So just let girls know that you're looking for something fun without a lot of strings. Don't talk about love, don't have sex, and don't make any promises about your feelings or a future for the two of you, and you're playing fair with any girl. Kiss, fondle, say "you're incredible". And let them know you had a LTR end badly. Chances are you will find more than one girl eager to heal your heart.

 

I do think you could be a bit more sensitive to your woman's feelings. Make sure you ask her to talk to you about her feelings, and LISTEN. Don't fix her feelings or solve her problems, just give her the gift of truly listening to her. This brings her so much closer to you, and it also makes it hard for big misunderstandings to grow, so next time you won't be taken by surprise.

 

Good luck, spring is coming and there are new beginnings in store for you.

[Kanuk]

I don' t know if you'e talking about being more sensitive to women in general or this new women particularily (or being more sensitive to the ex, i know i did some bad things, but i always TRIED to do good, regardless of the unfortunate outcome). I've been on about a half dozen casual dates since the bad ending with the ex. This is one of the few that I've really been interested in more than a dew dates with. She's really nice and we have a lot in common and she's a great person, so I'd like to try to persue things with. Basically it comes down to that i really kind of like her as a person and possibly more, but cause that, I don't want to hurt her.

 

So far we're only been on 2 dates but we do like each other, she does know that i had a LTR that ended badly, but doesn't know all the details yet. She soon will though since i find honesty to be very important now adays. Always have, but now moreso than ever. Thank you all for the advice, i told her we'd have to take things very slowly already. I just wasn't sure if i should break it off all together and give it more healing time or not. Or if this is all part of the healing.

 

I really don't want to make anyone a rebound, but there is relationship potential with this new girl.. so i thoguth it'd be best to get some good advice before things got really serious.