3 years engaged and I broke up with her, now I'm hurting

[brianmac]

I met a girl and fell in love. She was 5 years younger and very immature. She was 1st generation italian and had a lot of rules. We couldn't go away overnight together and stuff like that - she was 26 years old. We engaged and she gave 100% to the relationship. The one thing I could never complain about is how much she loved me. She always complained that I was no affectionet. She moved in jan 2003 after a major fight with her family. I hestitently accepted. There was some adjustment, but not too bad. We started fighting alot. Stupid stuff, but I would always have to turn the other cheek. I even took her to the bahamas for her aunts wedding. We fought 4 out of five days. Maybe it was the pressure of the wedding. Anyway there is the background.

We had a lot of arguments and I was talking to my friends and family about it and they said that if your fighting like this now, it will only get worse after marriage. We finally had a bad fight at night and I had it. I told her when she woke up the next day and she was crushed - it was the worst day of my life. I can still see the pain in her face. Her mother came over and helped her move things out. We talked a couple of days later and she wanted to go to councellor. I said fine, but we were supposed to get married 9 months later and I told her it's still off even if we figure this out with the councellor, because I don't want to jump into a bad marriage. She freeked, she thought the councilor would fix everything and everything was back in order. She never told her extended family for 4 months. I was still in contact with her about mail and stuff like that, but it got pretty limited. About a month or so later she called me to go out for a drink. It was nice and we talked quite a bit. I talked to her a week later and said that I had a really nice time, but she was very distant. I asked her out again and she was a little hesatant, I told her if she didn't want to go that's fine, she turned tail and said no she wanted to go. We went out for the day and it was great, uncomfortable in the beggining, but we wound up hitting it off. We got back together for about a week and a half and I started feeling trapped again, I started being a little distant, because I didn't want to hurt her again. She confronted me and said this wasn't for her and that its over. She called me two days later at work and was crying and saying she maid a big mistake and needed to talk to me. I accepted and she came over my place that night. She told me that when she broke up with me that she did it to try to push me back to her, but it didn't work. she laid all of her cards on the table and told me that I was right about everything and she put her family infront of me and caused most of the fights. she wanted to mary me and loved me. I was going away on vacation a couple of days later with some friends and she told me to think about what she said and contact her. I contacted her two weeks later and left a message on her cell phone that I wanted to talk and I really thought things through. That was right before thanksgiving 2003. I never heard from her. I got mad, I thought after everything that she told me, she didn't have the respect for me to call me back - wether she wanted to get back or not. I was getting ready to go away with the same friends. and my buddy called me. His wife is her best friend and he is mine. We both have stayed in contact with them. She actually works with my buddies wife. He said I need to tell you something and I have been wrestling with it. I told him that I can guess, my ex is dating one of his friends - that was it. I told him good for her and that I was still mad that she never called me back, but I was happy for her. I lied. I on the other hand have not been with another girl, not even on a date. I have had occations, but I always felt that I was cheating on her. I went on my trip and was misserable. I cannot eat or sleep. I have had breakups before but nothing like this. I love her and no we could work things out, but why did she never call me back. I have had no contact with her and don't know what to do. I was thinking of telling my friend the whole story and see if I have a chance to get back with her. He is much closer to me than this other friend that is dating her. If she is happy with this guy, I don't want her to know a thing, because I love her so much I would let her go to be happy. I am so misserable. My friends think that if we got back the same problems would resurface. I also thought about sitting back and waiting until she single again and maybe contacting her. I also thought about sending a couple of thing to my friends house for her, some stuff that she left, hoping it might trigger a feeling or two about me. I can't understand how she could lose all those feelings for me. any advise would be drastically appreciated

[jmargel]

You want her, then you don't, then you take her back & then you push her off. All the while she's totally confused and is tired of the head games. When she said she wanted to see a councilor and you told her that it was over even though you were going, that was totally wrong. She was trying her hardest to get you back.

 

Tell me this, why do you really want her back? Do you truly love her like you say, or is it because you just don't want anyone else to have her? Family is always extremely important, and it sounds like she had alot of family issues in her life. Especially Italians, they are extremely close knit. You trying to make her feel guilty by saying she's putting her family before you is another wrong thing in my opinion.

 

When you two are together all you do is fight. Fight about what? Maybe she is realizing by dating this other guy that there are people out there that do respect her values, and is patient and understanding, seeing what she is going through.

 

Instead of playing these head games, why not just talk to her? Don't talk to 'friends' about this, etc.. Talk to her, she's the important one. As to getting her back, you saying you might wait til she's 'single' again. Well how do you know that'll ever happen? Don't assume anything. Stop toying with her emotions and quit thinking just about yourself.

 

If you talk to her and she says she is happy, don't try to make her feel guilty about it. Let her live her life in peace. Maybe the breaking point was when she spilled her heart to you that last time and instead of wanting to spend time with her, you up & went on vacation with your friends. That shows her your priorities. You wanting her to come back to you so all of this could happen again? That's what she is thinking right now.

 

Start working on yourself some more, my first suggestion would be to read alot of the posts on here. It will give you a bigger understand what true love really is.

[Butterfly1]

I highly recommend that you rent the movie "Breaking Up" with Selma Hayek and Russell Crowe. You will see your story on the big screen and realize that a lot of us go through a break up like that at one time in our lives. I went through one similar a few years ago as well. When you meet the right person, it will just work out. Sometimes it takes more then love to make a relationship work and sometimes people stay together out of habit. You invested a few years into this relationship and were in love with her at one time -- its very hard to walk away. Try not to beat yourself up over the fights or you being distant -- I think on some level you knew that you weren't right for each other and it came out like that. Rent the movie. There were a few dumb parts but overall the message was great.

 

It was about two people who were really in love with each other but started fighting and breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and almost getting married -- you will see that sometimes you have to let go and if its meant to be, then maybe in the future with some time and space you can start over.

[amerikajin]

I'll just get straight to your bottom line: you're out.

 

Why are you out? Because she's tired of going through the fighting and the going back and forth that you've been going through in your relationship.

 

I'm not saying you're the only one to blame here. It takes two to tango and I think there is usually enough fault to pass around when a relationship fails. It sounds like she was probably a little pampered by her family, but it also sounds like you've made some mistakes too.

 

Also, let me give you a little tip on women. Sometimes, women will get back into a relationship with a man after they've been dumped...just so THEY can be the ones to end it on THEIR terms. I'm not saying she got back with you just to be the one to pull the plug. What I AM saying is that sometimes, if a woman isn't ready to close the books on the relationship, she will fight like hell to keep it alive. But when SHE'S the one who finally realizes that the romance is dead in the waters, it's over - for good.

 

My guess is that the relationship with this guy won't last. Not because he's not a good guy, but because it's too soon after her relationship with you. I think whoever she dates at this point will be standing in your shadow and carrying the baggage she brings from this relationship. I may be totally wrong on this - there are exceptions. My gut tells me, though, that you may, possibly, get one more shot. It's the next guy you have to worry about.

 

For now, be patient. Give yourselves some space. Barging back into her life won't help either one of you.