Am I being Overly Jealous??

[sparklingteardrops21]

I would like your opinion on this situation I have with my boyfriend of 9 months. I don't know if I'm being overly jealous or if he's the one that needs to fix the problem in order for me to feel better.

 

a few months into dating he told me about a woman he's known about 5 years. They are very close and have had sex. He said it was a mutual friends-only relationship and I believe on his part he was telling the truth. I know for a woman friends-only isn't always that true. He, on the other hand didn't think she liked him. I wanted him to tell her about me, and he refused saying she was very sick waiting for her organ transplant and he didn't want to upset her. I left it at that, trusting him to tell her when he thought it was a good time. I believe him when he said there was nothing going on and he wasn't sleeping with her any more. He has always been honest about her, tells me when he talks to her, what they talk about, so I'm not suspicious. I don't mind if my boyfriend has girl friends because I expect him to let me have guy friends.

 

The problem came a month ago when he said he was going down to her house to help her redo her wood deck. She lives about 2 hrs away and he was probably going to have to stay the night. At this point I knew she really cared for him cause she got very upset when he went out to a bar with another one of his childhood girlfriends. Anyway, I was NOT happy that he was going down there because he STILL hadn't told her about me. I trusted him but not her cause I know how much she loves him and how close they have been. When he was down there, he finally told her about me and she became so upset she made him leave and told him she was never going to talk to him again.

 

Of course this made me happy. I didn't have to worry about her trying to get him to be with her any more. BUT. Just the other day he showed me an IM from her saying that she wanted to start talking to him again and that "it would be very nice to hear his voice". Needless to say, I am very very unhappy. I never asked him to stop talking to her cause I know how long they've known each other, but now, I don't want him to have anything to do with her. She said that she's over him and wants to be friends again. I don't believe her. Getting over someone COMPLETELY you've know for 5 years does NOT happen in a month. Especially for us women. I know she still really cares for him and I don't like it.

 

I don't like the idea of another woman being emotionally intimate with my man. It's not right. It makes what we have worthless. This whole situation has made me intensely angry and jealous. It literally ruins my days sometimes because I can't stand the thought of her talking to him.

 

Please, I would like both guys and girls opinions.

 

Am I being overly jealous and insecure? Does he have a loyalty to her because he's known her longer than me? Should I request he not talk to her any more or is that being selfish and depriving him of a good friend? I personally think he should stay away from her for a while until she has sufficiant time to get completely over him. I have said that if he wants to talk to her again I want to meet her and he agreed. Please help me, this is ruining my faith in our relationship.

[MrSnufkin]

If it is a mutual friends only relationship, then why on earth would her knowing about you upset her?

[sally4sara]

I would like your opinion on this situation I have with my boyfriend of 9 months. I don't know if I'm being overly jealous or if he's the one that needs to fix the problem in order for me to feel better.

 

a few months into dating he told me about a woman he's known about 5 years. They are very close and have had sex. He said it was a mutual friends-only relationship and I believe on his part he was telling the truth. I know for a woman friends-only isn't always that true. He, on the other hand didn't think she liked him. I wanted him to tell her about me, and he refused saying she was very sick waiting for her organ transplant and he didn't want to upset her. I left it at that, trusting him to tell her when he thought it was a good time. I believe him when he said there was nothing going on and he wasn't sleeping with her any more. He has always been honest about her, tells me when he talks to her, what they talk about, so I'm not suspicious. I don't mind if my boyfriend has girl friends because I expect him to let me have guy friends.

 

The problem came a month ago when he said he was going down to her house to help her redo her wood deck. She lives about 2 hrs away and he was probably going to have to stay the night. At this point I knew she really cared for him cause she got very upset when he went out to a bar with another one of his childhood girlfriends. Anyway, I was NOT happy that he was going down there because he STILL hadn't told her about me. I trusted him but not her cause I know how much she loves him and how close they have been. When he was down there, he finally told her about me and she became so upset she made him leave and told him she was never going to talk to him again.

 

Okay, a friends only association does not include sex.

On what planet do people have sex with other people they don't like? If she was having sex with him - clearly she likes him some or it would be rape. And if he believed she didn't like him, why would he think knowing about you would upset her?

 

Of course this made me happy. I didn't have to worry about her trying to get him to be with her any more. BUT. Just the other day he showed me an IM from her saying that she wanted to start talking to him again and that "it would be very nice to hear his voice". Needless to say, I am very very unhappy. I never asked him to stop talking to her cause I know how long they've known each other, but now, I don't want him to have anything to do with her. She said that she's over him and wants to be friends again. I don't believe her. Getting over someone COMPLETELY you've know for 5 years does NOT happen in a month. Especially for us women. I know she still really cares for him and I don't like it.

 

I don't like the idea of another woman being emotionally intimate with my man. It's not right. It makes what we have worthless. This whole situation has made me intensely angry and jealous. It literally ruins my days sometimes because I can't stand the thought of her talking to him.

 

Please, I would like both guys and girls opinions.

 

Am I being overly jealous and insecure? Does he have a loyalty to her because he's known her longer than me? Should I request he not talk to her any more or is that being selfish and depriving him of a good friend? I personally think he should stay away from her for a while until she has sufficiant time to get completely over him. I have said that if he wants to talk to her again I want to meet her and he agreed. Please help me, this is ruining my faith in our relationship.

 

While I think you have some issues with generalizing what is and isn't possible for men or women, you have every reason to wish this girl out of the picture. She set herself at odds to the relationship by becoming upset over him being with you. While she may want to continue talking to him again - I'm betting she has no interest in forming a friendship with you. Notice she stated she would like to hear HIS voice again and nothing about knowing the both of you? She is not a friend to the relationship - and your BF damn well knew that even before her told her about you. It is why he hesitated in telling her about you.

 

Tell him to drop her or you will walk. And stick to it. We teach others how to treat us.

[Enchanted Girl]

First of all, like someone else mentioned, your boyfriend purposefully lied to you. He said she had no feelings for him, but he KNEW she did. If he told all his other friends about you and not her, his only reason for doing so was because he knew she had feelings for him and he didn't want her to stop having feelings for him. It's not a big deal telling a friend something like,"I'm seeing this girl." Normal friends don't get jealous, regardless of whether or not they are having organ transplants, and you aren't afraid to talk to them about it because it will hurt their feelings.

 

I'm glad he eventually went through with telling her about you though. That was a step in the right direction, but I don't think you're being ridiculous. They may not have cheated, but they are definitely more than just friends. When my boyfriend told his friends that he was dating me, none of them stopped speaking to him. And I think she only told him that to try to manipulate him into leaving you, but it didn't work, so right now, you have the upper hand.

 

I would still talk to him about it, though. It would be better if he didn't have her in his life, but I'd try to leave your jealousy out of it when you talked to him about it. Say,"She wanted more than just friendship with you and I know girls and how they hold onto feelings like that. Do you really want to continue to lead her on? Because you can never give her what she wants and you'll just keep hurting her if you keep talking to her. It will make the feelings come back that she has for you. Don't you care about her and not hurting her? It's better to keep your distance so she can move on and have good relationships with other men. By keeping in touch with her, you prevent her from ever being happy." That way it sounds like you're more concerned for her rather than yourself. Because, seriously, I've been faced with similar situations myself and I just cut off the friendships for the reasons I just stated. I wanted the guys to move on and have good relationships with people that actually reciprocated their feelings and didn't have a boyfriend like I did.