Courtship

[Sweet]

I am doing an essay on dating and focusing on the courtship process. My research is focusing around the following question "What happened to the courtship process?" It is like today we have sex with someone then possibly go out as 'girlfriend and boyfriend.' Please respond with any info that may be helpful to me and my essay.

[Draconis]

As usual, I am not quoting the original message...I think I need to stop repeating this little disclaimer; it just takes up memory and it's obvious I'm not quoting.

 

As for the actual question: I'll say up front I'm not a license psychiatrist, or even degree-holding psychologist, or anyone who has any special right to be giving an /authoritative/ answer. But I will put forth my opinion on the issue.

 

From a briefly Darwinian point of view, the whole "courtship" goes back to the search for the best mate: the better mate you snag, the better a chance your kids will survive, and the more "good-mate-hunters" wou'll have in the future. So evolution has caused animals to go through elaborate courtship rituals, just to see whether the prospective mate can dot all his (and I say his because usually it's the males performing for the females, in animals) i's, and cross all his t's. So human courtship rituals could be said to trace from a /very/ ancient source.

 

But this seems to sidestep the problem: that is, if we are to say that courtship rituals are a biological imperative in origin, then what's happening to them? Are humans lowering their standards? Do we care less about the quality of our mates? I think the answer is a resounding "yes"--people these days are haphazard about the aptitude of their chosen other for raising children, and often feel little commitment to the continuation of a bond even as ostensibly permanent as a marriage (I hate to wax statistical, but I would note that as of now, notwithstanding the vow "to have and to hold..." et al., nearly fifty percent of marriages end in separation or divorce).

 

So part of the problem is a decreasing sense of commitment to raising children and providing a nurturing environment--and in finding someone else who can contribute to that. People are more selfish, in essence: the want temporary gratification of their libido, without the lifelong commitment to a "stanrd of excellence." (This is mirrored by our capitalist society's rapidly decreasing willingness to back up products with effective warranties or guarantees.) Society just doesn't care about quality as much anymore.

 

Moving on the Reason Number Two: it's easier to get the temporal pleasure without the resulting necessity to bear children. We can all agree that sex is an extremely pleasureable experience: it's DESIGNED to be that way to make us want to procreate. But with the advent of contraception, abortion, adoption, and other venues by which a mother may avoid an unwanted child, a couple can have sex with little or no consequence. It used to be (and we're talking only a century ago) that if you had sex, there was a decent chance you would become pregnant, and that would be that. It wasn't worth it for a woman to just have casual sex for fear of constant pregancy and children to raise: you waited until marriage and then had a nice big family.

 

Which brings us to Reason Number Three: society doesn't care if you've had casual sex anymore. The stigma is gone. Being a virgin used to be a make-or-break-the-deal quality in a marriage, now the subject is often tastefully avoided, or increasingly discussed frankly between potential spouses, not to incriminate, but to insure health and to encourgae openness in the relationship. Society no longer cares if people omit courtship entirely and jump straight into the sex, and therefore more people will do it--after all, who wouldn't want to have sex if there were no societal, emotional or practical disadvantages? Certainly I at least am not a model of abstinence, because there's no real downside.

 

Reason Four: more than just not caring about casual sex, society /encourages/ the desire for instant gratification. No one likes to wait, and society bolsters this belief. Courtship is in its terminal stages because we hear message that you should be proactive, take what you want; waiting is a flaw, not a virtue! I hate to fall back on tried old lines, but popular culture glorifies casual sex (along with violence and myriad other things) and deprecates courtship. Don't wait, act! Don't hesisate, be bold! These are the mantras of the late twentieth century, and (if you will forgive a bit of crudity) the penises are marching to the beat.

 

To sum up the four reasons I've given so far: (1) people care less about finding quality in their mate, (2) technology has decreased the practical negative consequences of casual and frequent sex, (3) changes in popular ideology has almost eliminated the social negative consequences of casual and frequent sex, and (4) changes in popular ideology glorify instant gratification and casual and frequent sex. This is all laid against the necessary backdrop that the default state is to have sex casually and as often as possible--after all, its great, it easy, and it's fun. Without negative repurcussions, why not?

 

I'll draw a brief analogy, and then I'll finish. Humans developed a taste for sugar (e.g. they find pleasureable the taste) in order to encourgae proto-humans to eat the fruits which were essential to their diet. All well and good, until technology for the extaction and ultimately creation of sugar and sugar-like substitutes creates a "sweetness revolution." The same case applied to fats, salts, and toehr such foods that are often detrimental to our health in large quantity. Evolution made us like them so we would eat them in small quantity, human ingenuity has made them available in large quantity, which only hurts those who indulge. The nucelar family is disintegrating, dysnfunctional childhood environemtns are becoming more prevalent, and therapists are making a killing. A little courtship could go a long way towards making stabled environments which would produce more healthy children...

 

But somehow, I oubt that such an ideal will overcome the powerful urge instilled in humans to have sex. After all, just think about how large a segment of the population is obese (all those sugars and fats). We as a species don't have a great deal of self-control.

 

Well, that's my two cents.

 

(Draconis)

[Christie]

Then why am I not getting any?

 

I just want to have a casual physical relationship with men, but somehow that seems like the most difficult thing to get.

 

Somehow, men prefer the courtship process.

As usual, I am not quoting the original message...I think I need to stop repeating this little disclaimer; it just takes up memory and it's obvious I'm not quoting.

 

As for the actual question: I'll say up front I'm not a license psychiatrist, or even degree-holding psychologist, or anyone who has any special right to be giving an /authoritative/ answer. But I will put forth my opinion on the issue. From a briefly Darwinian point of view, the whole "courtship" goes back to the search for the best mate: the better mate you snag, the better a chance your kids will survive, and the more "good-mate-hunters" wou'll have in the future. So evolution has caused animals to go through elaborate courtship rituals, just to see whether the prospective mate can dot all his (and I say his because usually it's the males performing for the females, in animals) i's, and cross all his t's. So human courtship rituals could be said to trace from a /very/ ancient source. But this seems to sidestep the problem: that is, if we are to say that courtship rituals are a biological imperative in origin, then what's happening to them? Are humans lowering their standards? Do we care less about the quality of our mates? I think the answer is a resounding "yes"--people these days are haphazard about the aptitude of their chosen other for raising children, and often feel little commitment to the continuation of a bond even as ostensibly permanent as a marriage (I hate to wax statistical, but I would note that as of now, notwithstanding the vow "to have and to hold..." et al., nearly fifty percent of marriages end in separation or divorce).

 

So part of the problem is a decreasing sense of commitment to raising children and providing a nurturing environment--and in finding someone else who can contribute to that. People are more selfish, in essence: the want temporary gratification of their libido, without the lifelong commitment to a "stanrd of excellence." (This is mirrored by our capitalist society's rapidly decreasing willingness to back up products with effective warranties or guarantees.) Society just doesn't care about quality as much anymore. Moving on the Reason Number Two: it's easier to get the temporal pleasure without the resulting necessity to bear children. We can all agree that sex is an extremely pleasureable experience: it's DESIGNED to be that way to make us want to procreate. But with the advent of contraception, abortion, adoption, and other venues by which a mother may avoid an unwanted child, a couple can have sex with little or no consequence. It used to be (and we're talking only a century ago) that if you had sex, there was a decent chance you would become pregnant, and that would be that. It wasn't worth it for a woman to just have casual sex for fear of constant pregancy and children to raise: you waited until marriage and then had a nice big family.

 

Which brings us to Reason Number Three: society doesn't care if you've had casual sex anymore. The stigma is gone. Being a virgin used to be a make-or-break-the-deal quality in a marriage, now the subject is often tastefully avoided, or increasingly discussed frankly between potential spouses, not to incriminate, but to insure health and to encourgae openness in the relationship. Society no longer cares if people omit courtship entirely and jump straight into the sex, and therefore more people will do it--after all, who wouldn't want to have sex if there were no societal, emotional or practical disadvantages? Certainly I at least am not a model of abstinence, because there's no real downside. Reason Four: more than just not caring about casual sex, society /encourages/ the desire for instant gratification. No one likes to wait, and society bolsters this belief. Courtship is in its terminal stages because we hear message that you should be proactive, take what you want; waiting is a flaw, not a virtue! I hate to fall back on tried old lines, but popular culture glorifies casual sex (along with violence and myriad other things) and deprecates courtship. Don't wait, act! Don't hesisate, be bold! These are the mantras of the late twentieth century, and (if you will forgive a bit of crudity) the penises are marching to the beat. To sum up the four reasons I've given so far: (1) people care less about finding quality in their mate, (2) technology has decreased the practical negative consequences of casual and frequent sex, (3) changes in popular ideology has almost eliminated the social negative consequences of casual and frequent sex, and (4) changes in popular ideology glorify instant gratification and casual and frequent sex. This is all laid against the necessary backdrop that the default state is to have sex casually and as often as possible--after all, its great, it easy, and it's fun. Without negative repurcussions, why not?

 

I'll draw a brief analogy, and then I'll finish. Humans developed a taste for sugar (e.g. they find pleasureable the taste) in order to encourgae proto-humans to eat the fruits which were essential to their diet. All well and good, until technology for the extaction and ultimately creation of sugar and sugar-like substitutes creates a "sweetness revolution." The same case applied to fats, salts, and toehr such foods that are often detrimental to our health in large quantity. Evolution made us like them so we would eat them in small quantity, human ingenuity has made them available in large quantity, which only hurts those who indulge. The nucelar family is disintegrating, dysnfunctional childhood environemtns are becoming more prevalent, and therapists are making a killing. A little courtship could go a long way towards making stabled environments which would produce more healthy children...

 

But somehow, I oubt that such an ideal will overcome the powerful urge instilled in humans to have sex. After all, just think about how large a segment of the population is obese (all those sugars and fats). We as a species don't have a great deal of self-control. Well, that's my two cents.

 

(Draconis)

[Draconis]

Honestly, I don't know why you personally have trouble getting laid. I was speaking from my own personal experience and my observations of others', not pretending to predict the future or behaviors of any individual. Maybe the men you know "prefer the courtship process"--the ones I know (myself included) do not.

 

If you want advice about /why/ you're not getting any, you'll probably need to supply a bit more information.

 

(Draconis)

Then why am I not getting any? I just want to have a casual physical relationship with men, but somehow that seems like the most difficult thing to get. Somehow, men prefer the courtship process.

[Christie]

I really appreciated your step-by step advice above. It just seems like I'm inhibited when it comes to men. I mean, I don't think I "appear" to be the type who wants casual relationships. My friends tell me that I have

 

a classy intimidating aura...whatever that means! And because of this image that is given upon me, I think I act along with it.

 

But I don't want to and it's really hard to get away from living like a nun...

 

I'm not an unattractive person. But it's my insecurities that are hindering the getting laid process, I guess.

 

I always doubt why guys would ever like me.

 

I know this sounds pathetic, but I can't help it and I think this is why I'm not getting guys...

Honestly, I don't know why you personally have trouble getting laid. I was speaking from my own personal experience and my observations of others', not pretending to predict the future or behaviors of any individual. Maybe the men you know "prefer the courtship process"--the ones I know (myself included) do not. If you want advice about /why/ you're not getting any, you'll probably need to supply a bit more information. (Draconis)

[Draconis]

I'm glad you appreciated my advice. As for your perceived problems with self-inhibition, you're fortunate that you can work to change that kind of thing: some people are born ugly, or handicapped, or whatever, and are stuck that way for life. You can change, overcome your inhibitions, and become a healthy recipient of hot and casual sex.

 

Good luck with that, although I'm sure you don't need the luck!

 

(Draconis)