Gaz Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 Okay... where to start. This is a weeeee bit complicated! Well, I met her a year ago. We hit it off... dated for about three months, before finally breaking up. For the last month, the spark definately seemed to fade, and after the breakup, I found out why. Seemed her ex boyfriend, the love of her life, resurfaced right at that time. They'd been in email dialogue for a month, before she finally broke up with me. That happened on a Thursday night. She met him for dinner on Friday night. She was calling me on Saturday to tell me what she'd done, that he's still a complete ass, and that she felt she made a mistake in breaking up with me, that she didn't give it a chance. I was livid, told her there was no chance we'd ever get back together, but down the road we may become friends again. That did happen. I got over it, realized that she was still an awesome person who'd just made a mistake, so we renewed our friendship. Since then there's been five women in and out of my life, and I never gave it a second thought. Until about November. See, we'd been spending more and more time together, in a completely platonic way, and I was having so much fun with her. Then the penny dropped. Suddenly, all the fun became more and more, and it came to a head just before Christmas, when I confessed to her that I'd completely fallen for her. Her response? She didn't think it'd be a good idea, but it gave her a lot to think about. Fair enough. I went home to Ireland for the holidays. Three weeks. Figured it was perfect - be away from each other for a while, we each could sort ourselves out. Before I left, on the way to the airport, she called. Just to wish me a safe trip. And to tell me that she'd miss me. And if I would call her on Christmas. And that she would be waiting at the airport when I got back. Took this to be a good sign. Since I've gotten back, we have been spending lots of time together. We kiss. But when the subject comes up, she remains firm on her constant answer - "I just don't know... half of me thinks it wouldn't be a good idea, half of me knows you're amazing and I'd be a fool not to be with you" I've been living in this limbo now for almost two months, and it's driving me crazy. To the point where I snapped at her about it last weekend, pushed a little too hard, and have probably soured the pot. She isn't the sort to manipulate someone, and she doesn't play games... my head is telling me that she truly likes me, but not enough to risk the friendship and doesn't want to hurt me. My heart's telling me that she truly likes me, but her feelings aren't as strong as those she had for the "love of her life" and therefore doesn't think it's "worth it". But it's killing me. She's all I want, she's all I think about. Do I stick in there, hoping that she comes to a resolution soon, or walk away, no matter how bad it hurts? Link to post Share on other sites
xalysabethh Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 i dont know if this is how its really going but it sounds like your giving her the best of two worlds you hang out with her all the time and kiss etc but yet she wont be in a realtionship with you. i was in a similar situation. i said if were just going to be friends then thats it and i totally became platonic friends i quit talking to him everyday quit seeing him a lot mad e other palns etc etc and then he came around and decided he was crazy about me and he missed me. i dont knw what you should do but if she keeps you in limbo maybe you should have a serious talk to see where you stand if there is never any potential then maybe you need to withdraw from the realationship somewhat. xalsyabeth Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 5, 2004 Share Posted February 5, 2004 It's not by 'pushing' her into wanting more you'll get her to commit, if you have any chance at all it's by pulling away. You say you're just friends but friends don't usually such face on a regular basis so all that kissing seems to imply she has feelings for you. Whether her feelings are strong enough is another question. You initially had a three month relationship - she knows what you're like together. You've been friends, she knows what that's like. You've told her how you feel and now if you want her to make a decision it isn't by sitting around being available for her. Since you say the platonic friendship thing is 'killing you..' walk - if she feels you pulling away and wants you bad enough, she'll make that clear and if she doesn't the 'wait' is over. Sorry there isn't an easier way, R. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaz Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 It's not the friendship that's killing me, it's the feeling of being in limbo. When I told her my feelings, I was hoping for heaven, I could deal with hell. Purgatory wasn't what I expected. And right now, the only thing that's worse than being around her, is NOT being around her. But you guys are right, I need to withdraw. But to withdraw completely, or to withdraw somewhat? Last night we were supposed to get together, but decided to go play indoor soccer instead, and it seemed to annoy the crap out of her. (I'd mentioned getting together to do something, she called last minute to say she was free last night, I told her I already had plans, and I'd catch up another time... can't really see what I did wrong there.) Hey, but thank you all for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 You have to decide how much her friendship is worth to you. If she's a good friend and you don't want to lose her as a friend, then just drop the notion of her being anything other than a friend. My guess is that you don't really want her as a friend, and that you never did. Your manly pride was simply wounded too greatly for you to entertain the idea of getting back together, which is completely understandable (mine would be, too). The problem is, she's gotten used to you as the friend, not the boyfriend. The result? You're in a real pickle. If it were me, I wouldn't have ever taken her back as either a friend or a girlfriend. If it were me, I think the simplest thing for me to do would be to think of this as unfinished business. It's a game of black jack and you're taking one more card from the dealer. Either you get what you really want, or you bust. In other words, I say go for the girl, and be prepared to lose both. At least that way you'll never sit there and agonize over it anymore and wonder "What if". I mean really, do you really want to remain friends with this girl while she eventually finds Mr. Right right under your nose, gets engaged and prints out a wedding invitation for you? Do you want to attend a wedding with her and some other guy standing at the altar? F>ck no! Well, go out there and let's see whatchyou got. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaz Posted February 6, 2004 Author Share Posted February 6, 2004 LOL - NICE! Gotta love a response like that. Yeah man, I hear ya - I've already come to the conclusion that I want her back, and won't settle for less. As I said, it's a case of either getting some sort of resolution (understanding that it may not go my way) or walking away. I mean, I have been going after her for the past six weeks. I'm gathering from other responses though, and I think they might be right, that I've been there for her a bit too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaz Posted February 10, 2004 Author Share Posted February 10, 2004 Thanks again to all for your suggestions. Spent a week without calling or writing. Yes, a whole week. (Hey, shuttup, I'm only human!) "Chose to ignore" an email she sent, and turned down two offers to get together from her. Finally caved on Sunday (again, what can I say, I'm only human) and had dinner and a movie with her at her place. Kissed when I left, she told me her parents were going to be in town later in the week, and that she'd really like me to meet them. Told her I wasn't sure, would probably be busy. Was informed back that she's told them all about me, and that "they are dying to meet" me. Told her I'd try and sort something out, and left. Haven't tried to contact her since (yes, just only over a day, I know.) Man, this "backing off" thing is like trying to quit heroin or something! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Dude, you're making the right moves!!! If you're getting kisses on your way out the door, that's a good sign. You're also playing the game pretty shrewdly by fighting your urges not to call or hang out with her all the time. You're giving her yourself in small doses, which is exactly the way she wants it whether she realizes it or not. Like I've said, set the tempo and boundaries in the relationship. Women want the man to lead, and you're doing it. Sounds like you're making all the right moves (a rarity for us guys). Keep up the good work and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
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