Does separation really accomplish anything...

[hurt and devastated]

...other than to enable the initiator to do whatever they want with whoever they want, without feeling guilty? I noted that thought in another post, because that seems to be the case in most situations. I was under the impression that it was to give people time apart so they can "find themselves", work on their problems, or let a situation cool off a bit without the other person there to fan the flames. My wife has been talking to and seeing an old high school friend of hers who happens to be going through a breakup of his own. I know he has been there almost every day since last Saturday, and spent the night at least once. I don't even want to think about what's going to go on this weekend and next week when my stepson goes camping with his grandparents. I guess this is what gives me sort of a bitter taste about separating. Supposedly, she wanted it to clear her head and work on some personal issues with herself, but it looks to me like she's treating it like a free pass to Sodom & Gomorrah land. I'd like to hear other people's feelings on separation, and if separating has actually helped anyone save/improve their marriage or relationship. I kind of doubt there are many success stories out there, but I'd like to hear them.

[wrencn]

You have it right, separation gives the person who initiates it a clear conscience to be a hoe bag!!!!! I will say that I was separated from my husband in 2001 but it was more of I want a divorce and he was living in another state and we worked it out, but honestly we just delayed the inevitable because we are back to getting a divorce now.

 

Let her go. Drop the dead weight!!!!!!

[Woggle]

It gives the woman time to get her legal ducks in a row to rake you over the coals in divorce court. While a man is trying to save the marriage she is preparing to obliterate him.

[just_some_guy]

I separated. I moved out. I sleep alone, in my own bed every night. The opportunity to do otherwise has presented itself several times, even before I moved out, but I have not taken it.

 

I have been working on finding myself, understanding my unhappiness with the marriage what I miss and don't miss. I get uninterrupted sleep. I'm happier, more peaceful, more centered on my own. I have friends male and female that I spend time with and truly appreciate.

 

I was in marriage therapy before and after moving out. It didn't go well, which helped to prompt my departure.

 

Maybe I am the exception to the rule, but that's how it is gone for me.

 

My wife is upset, angry, emotional, jealous, not living in reality. I'm sure she figures it is a non-stop wet-panty party at my house.

[eeyore1981]

Is anyone else having trouble with LS glitching? This is the only website I am having trouble with.

 

Anyway, on to topic.

 

I'm having a rough time right now. H and I are separating, at my request, and he is moving his stuff out this evening. I do not have anyone on the side I am wanting to free myself up to be with, that is not at all what my situation is about, but....

 

That sure sounds like what your situation is about. If what you say is true, IMO, you should be using this separation to actually start separating from your wife, not just in body, but in heart and mind as well.

 

I do not have control over what my H does, and at this point what he does has no effect over me unless I allow it. Sounds good, doesn't it? It's also true, but it's a lot harder to practice than it is to preach. My heart is so broken right now, and I am an emotional wreck. But I know as soon as I can convince my heart of what my mind has known for a long time, I am going to be a lot better off.

 

When you start obsessing over this, make it constructive. Write down everything that goes through your mind for as long as you need to.

Then when you have calmed down a little, try to take a step back, and read what you wrote. Find all the things you wrote with pure emotion, ie, "My life is over without her." That isn't true. On another piece of paper, write what is true, ie, "I can have a life without her." After you have identified all your falsehoods and corrected them on another paper, keep that new paper with you, and read it over and over. This is step one of retraining your mind to help yourself get to a better place.

[habs53]

Well what separation did for me is turning myself into a much nicer and better person. Yes i got left, but i guarantee that i will be the one better off. Its not happening over night but its coming. The leavers are the ones that usually live a crappy life.

[hopesndreams]

...other than to enable the initiator to do whatever they want with whoever they want, without feeling guilty?

 

That about sums it up.

[hurt and devastated]

Thanks for the replies and thoughts. That's pretty much how I thought people's responses were going to be. It's worthless from the standpoint of saving a marriage or relationship, and the only "good" that comes from it is the dumpee can now try to better themselves, move on, or whatever.

 

Habs, I'd like to see her life turn out crappy since she basically ruined mine for now, but I don't want my kids to suffer any more than they have to. And since she'll most likely end up with custody of my daughter, her and my stepson are gonna be living with her.

[habs53]

Thanks for the replies and thoughts. That's pretty much how I thought people's responses were going to be. It's worthless from the standpoint of saving a marriage or relationship, and the only "good" that comes from it is the dumpee can now try to better themselves, move on, or whatever.

 

Habs, I'd like to see her life turn out crappy since she basically ruined mine for now, but I don't want my kids to suffer any more than they have to. And since she'll most likely end up with custody of my daughter, her and my stepson are gonna be living with her.

Well stats show that 90 per cent of the time the woman gets the child. But in the 10 percent that the man actually tries, 8/10 chance the man gets custody. Times are changing. 50/50 seems the fairest for both.

Also alot of marriages are saved. Its not going to happen over night. You have to better your self first. Maybe you will be the one that not wants it to continue.

[Iconoclast]

Lawyer up, hit her with divorce papers, protect yourself financially, and protect your parental rights. Make it hell, fight for custody.

Rip the band-aid off. Heal.

 

You gotta be really friggin strong try to save the marriage. It can be years of agony. If she's in foggy affair land, it's utter hell. Yeah it works out nicely sometimes. Just depends how much you want it.

[habs53]

Lawyer up, hit her with divorce papers, protect yourself financially, and protect your parental rights. Make it hell, fight for custody.

Rip the band-aid off. Heal.

 

You gotta be really friggin strong try to save the marriage. It can be years of agony. If she's in foggy affair land, it's utter hell. Yeah it works out nicely sometimes. Just depends how much you want it.

Yes i have heard that sometimes divorce papers snaps them back into reallity. Just talked to a friend of mine and she left her husband. The papers changed her mind. I never knew this.

[hurt and devastated]

Those were two good slaps in the face. Thanks, I needed that. It's so easy to wallow in despair and self-pity and be miserable. I can't always be one step away from crying or moping when I go to pick up or see the kids. And if I want any shot at all of us reconciling, or just being able to have a stable relationship with anyone, I'm going to have to heal from this and change things about me that helped get things to the point they are today. Habs, you've made some really good points here and in other people's threads. I've read both yours and What_Next's stories, and I've seen how much of a toll it's taken on the both of you. I pray and pray hard that I'll have the strength of you guys to see things through, good or bad. At least I can post here when things get me down, and I can get a shot in the arm, or smack in the head.

[Iconoclast]

Yes indeed, suddenly they face the safe landing going away.

You don't have to go through with it, but if that doesn't snap em out of it. Sign the papers and be done with it.

Heck, go read some of the 100 page plus threads over at marriage builders, trying to save your marriage when they are in deep is uhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't even have a word for it.

If my wife "needed space to work it out" and left, i'd start the divorce papers the next day. I've read this story too many times, and i've done the "i'll be here for you" when I was young.

Screw that, i'm moving foward. Catch up with me if you can. Bye.

But oh god, would it hurt. Of course.

[What_Next]

I've read both yours and What_Next's stories, and I've seen how much of a toll it's taken on the both of you. I pray and pray hard that I'll have the strength of you guys to see things through, good or bad. At least I can post here when things get me down, and I can get a shot in the arm, or smack in the head.

 

H_A_D, it will take a toll on you; there is no question about it. Either road is going to be tough. Saving a marriage on the brink is likely one of the toughest things a couple can go through. It can indeed take years in some cases. IMHO it will also only EVER work if both parties are completely commited. The trick is to both have the desire at the same time to begin the journey.

 

In my case it was a push-pull thing repeated time and time again. One of us wanted to begin, the other didn't etc. Eventually we both hit the start line on the same day. Now, we are nowhere the end of the race but we are beginning to hit our stride.

 

The LS community has been a god send for me. It has helped me think through my actions before doing things to make a situation worse. It has also opened my eyes to many behavioral traits that would have mystified my before.

 

Good luck and continue to post.

[Iconoclast]

Mr. Hurt.

Yes, stay here and post often. You NEED the objectivity. Why? It's rarely addressed, but there is lots of talk about the affair fog... when the WS becomes a space alien and babbles the craziest s**t.

There is also the fog of despair. You are probably at least partially depressed. You are in trauma, emotional trauma. It is very much like PTSD. You are not thinking logically. Betrayed spouses see the silliest things as positive signs, "she called, wow, this is progress".

Not saying the above is you, but its pretty damn close almost all of the time.

 

Look the process she started is the beginning of the end. Take power. Push that process yourself. Funny thing is she'll probably respect you more by doing so, and actually improve your chances of her crawling back.

 

Let this board be your logic and objectivity.

Good luck man, I know it's rough.

[Iconoclast]

It has helped me think through my actions before doing things to make a situation worse.

 

I stress this. It is really important. Don't make a move without consulting here first.

Heck you can always still do what you want anyway. Nothing to lose.

[Steadfast]

The common definition of separating is as often described here; a chance for the person who 'wants space' or 'needs time' to sleep with their affair partner(s). Ideally (for them) the spouse is kept at arms-length; not close enough to see what's happening but not too far away to reach if needed.

 

That, in 98% of the cases, is separation in 2010.

 

In the past, separation was a useful tool for the troubled couple that couldn't keep from fighting. Some words cannot be taken back and knowing this, couples would spend some time apart to cool off, gain some perspective and in some cases actually begin to miss or appreciate their spouse. It wasn't a chance to date, sleep around to tale advantage.

 

Of course, that's when honor was the rule, not the exception.

[pizzagirl]

I have no disagreement with your initial post: It is concise and accurate and seems spot on from what you have shared" separation just to feel ok about bad behavior". The advice about attorneys is fine as well.

Yet what i suggest is a separation from being a Victim. Work out, get in shape. meet new friends, get legally repaired. Do anything proactive to feel Not a victim. I will not or do not suggest you pretend it does not hurt, have a good cry, for a few minutes and pick yourself up. I know you find it shocking how easily your wife has disposed of you, yet YOU must dispose of the Victim You.

Next step, remove your need to paint her as a whore. She is suffering from a delusion that this escape from reality has some sort of permanence because she has reconnected with a sufferer of the same delusion. The You are my sweet lollypop phase will last until , well, any reality bump does not interfere.

If you remain a victim and paint her a whore you may be a victim part 2. The return of the contrite whore when the lollypop version of reality ends and it will. You may feel such relief if you say in the victim stage you rush back to her and she nor you have learned anything. If you paint her as a whore you will not allow a return under ANY circumstance. So get your own counseling and devictim yourself. best luck.

[JRoy]

Yet what i suggest is a separation from being a Victim.

If you paint her as a whore you will not allow a return under ANY circumstance. So get your own counseling and devictim yourself.

 

IMO, this is excellent advice.

 

Keep posting, keep reading.

[hurt and devastated]

I really like how you worded your post, pizzagirl. I do indeed need to "devictim" myself. I don't really view my wife as a whore per se. Cheater? Definitely! Have I seen a side to her I never thought could exist? Most Definitely! But not a whore. I would rather post my hurt and angry feelings toward her here than say something to her that I would regret

[habs53]

I really like how you worded your post, pizzagirl. I do indeed need to "devictim" myself. I don't really view my wife as a whore per se. Cheater? Definitely! Have I seen a side to her I never thought could exist? Most Definitely! But not a whore. I would rather post my hurt and angry feelings toward her here than say something to her that I would regret

This is what the no contact thing is about. As of right now, she doesnt give a crap about you. She is trying to fade you out. Try your best to ignore her.

[What_Next]

Habs53 is right, as awful as that sounds. Right now she doesn't give a damn about you, your feelings or what you are going through.

 

My STBX is about the same. I've let it go long enough because in my own mind I've HAD to. Well not anymore. No way.

[hurt and devastated]

It's a really difficult pill to swallow, but I know you guys are right. Today when I picked up my daughter, all the talk was about her and when I'm bringing her back. I'm not gonna show it when I'm hurting anymore, even if if the waterworks is bursting at the seams. I can cry all I need to somewhere else. I hate this feeling, I hate that I'm still losing weight, and I especially hate how she seems totally immune to what happened.

[habs53]

It's a really difficult pill to swallow, but I know you guys are right. Today when I picked up my daughter, all the talk was about her and when I'm bringing her back. I'm not gonna show it when I'm hurting anymore, even if if the waterworks is bursting at the seams. I can cry all I need to somewhere else. I hate this feeling, I hate that I'm still losing weight, and I especially hate how she seems totally immune to what happened.

I lost weight, i cryed, you name it. I will tell you one thing, i will come out of this a much more caring person. I still have very bad days, i will for a while. Unforntunately for i, i am in that 2 percent thing where my ex is not dating or trying to. At least then i would know what i am fighting. But still, i chose to take care of me and my son. Piss on her.

[What_Next]

Oh trust me, you'll experience weight loss, your sleeping patterns will go out the window, wild mood swings, you name it. All of which will likely come at you when you least expect it.

 

Like habs53 says it WILL change you forever, make no mistake. I am in most senses of the conventional definition a "man's man". I drive a truck (no little CAR for me), I camp, I fish, I hunt, I DON'T WATCH OPRAH and I love red meat. Well guess what???? I've also taken to crying sometimes when my emotions get the better of me. I've also gotten in touch with the softer side of me and I don't mind it one single bit.

 

I told my wife today in between our arguments that the "new me" enjoys asking her if her drinks needs to be topped up, or complimenting her on her hair or her makeup. I also have no problem with giving or receiving a hug. Now if you knew me personally you'd wonder who I was or what happened to the "old me". What happened to him? He's gone forever. Now whether or not my marriage survives is of little consquence, this version of me is here to stay and I can tell you that whatever female is in my life will be DAMNED lucky to have me.