Author hurt and devastated Posted July 11, 2010 Author Share Posted July 11, 2010 That's a really good outlook to have. After things got to the edge of the cliff three months ago, I found myself doing the same things for my wife. I never was a very emotional person, and I'm sure that caused some of the problems between us. My mother in law raised a point that I had never thought of before. She had a long talk with my wife the other night about what's going on, and my wife told her that there were times when she thought I didn't love her at all, because I didn't express it. My M.I.L.'s question to me was if my parents loved each other openly, saying "I Love You", hugging, kissing, things like that. After thinking about it, I told her that they seldom did any of that. I know they loved each other just because they wouldn't have stuck with one another for 41 years now if they hadn't, but it certainly wasn't a common sight in our house. Now this sounds like the classic "blame it on your parents" scenario, but is it possible that not seeing that affection growing up could have had an effect on the way I show affection now? That question is probably better suited for a psychologist, but now I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Iconoclast Posted July 15, 2010 Share Posted July 15, 2010 Hurt...I truly believe that. I make a big deal about romancing my wife in front of the kids, as a matter of fact, they get great joy in teasing us about it. So it's working. We are establishing normal for them. Link to post Share on other sites
BalenciagaSpain Posted July 15, 2010 Share Posted July 15, 2010 HAD... Funny acronym. Do you feel had? Did you choose that intentionally? I chose mine. Not sure this is of much assistance to you, but here goes anyway. I was not willing to forgive his affair. I just could not. The trust was gone, he was no longer the man I married. I'm not sure that you have decided that for yourself, and I encourage you to think about that. 5 years later, will this be an issue? It was for me. I didn't endure any separation period (other than the one legally required.) We had a pre-nup, and he was gone, both of us free to get on with our lives. What do you want your life to look like 2, 3, 5 years from now? Separation is merely limboland. Time wasted when you have an unrepentant spouse or an unforgivable deed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurt and devastated Posted July 15, 2010 Author Share Posted July 15, 2010 Iconoclast: That's exactly what I was thinking. I knew I wasn't showing as much affection towards her as I should have. It's one of those things I'm going to really need to work on for the future. BS...nice, by the way. I can forgive my wife based on the fact that I'm partly to blame for it happening. No, I will never forget what happened, and no, I don't trust her for anything right now. The only way a reconciliation would work for us is if we worked out all the trust issues. I definitely wouldn't jump back in and hope for the best. It would take a lot of time and effort on both our parts. If she was willing to do her part to work on our marriage, I would love to be able to start fresh. I'm trying not to even think too much about it, because there are plenty of things I need to work on before I even get to that point. Link to post Share on other sites
HopelessinDTW Posted July 16, 2010 Share Posted July 16, 2010 HAD: I had the same thing happen. My stbx told me that we needed to separate so that we can fix our individual selves. She told me we had a chance to get back together as long as I (notice I didn't say WE) worked my a** off to prove to her that I was worthy. In the background, she was having and EA with a high school crush, which has turned into a PA...(they are planning on getting married after the divorce). My faults was just like yours...didn't show enough affection...I take that as something I need to fix. My parents also rarely showed any affection in front of anyone, but I knew that they loved each other. So that behavior is something I grew up with. The thing that bothers me is my wife in all these years did not say how much it bothered her. She also did not exactly show any affection to me either...i rarely heard HER say, I love you, or give me a hug/kiss?? So, it does go both ways. A person at work told me that what I needed to remember was that "I am 100% responsible, for 50% of the problems"...I try to tell this to myself regularly! Link to post Share on other sites
habs53 Posted July 16, 2010 Share Posted July 16, 2010 HAD: I had the same thing happen. My stbx told me that we needed to separate so that we can fix our individual selves. She told me we had a chance to get back together as long as I (notice I didn't say WE) worked my a** off to prove to her that I was worthy. In the background, she was having and EA with a high school crush, which has turned into a PA...(they are planning on getting married after the divorce). My faults was just like yours...didn't show enough affection...I take that as something I need to fix. My parents also rarely showed any affection in front of anyone, but I knew that they loved each other. So that behavior is something I grew up with. The thing that bothers me is my wife in all these years did not say how much it bothered her. She also did not exactly show any affection to me either...i rarely heard HER say, I love you, or give me a hug/kiss?? So, it does go both ways. A person at work told me that what I needed to remember was that "I am 100% responsible, for 50% of the problems"...I try to tell this to myself regularly! It does take 2 to ruin a marriage. There is no questioning that. It only takes one to give up. Some give up too easily. Anyways, nobody needs there spouse to be happy. There is lots of other people out there that will thank your ex for leaving and giving them a chance. 80 per cent rate for the leaver to live single for the rest of there lives. There the tuff ones. lol Link to post Share on other sites
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