Why Me Syndrome

[purgatori]

People that feel sorry for themselves are so unattractive. Theres nothing worse then that kind of attitude when you meet a person. It sticks out like a sore thumb. People don't want to spend time with people that feel sorry for themselves. Changing the attitude is a good place to start.

 

Assuming someone desires to have a romantic partner/find love, then the natural reaction to the chronic frustration of this desire is negative affect. Not only is advice that amounts to 'just get over it' impractical, there is a mounting body of research -- particularly in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) literature -- suggesting that avoidance and denial strategies do more harm than good in terms of psychological well-being.

 

I know that a lot of people would like to believe that only our 'positive'/pleasurable emotions have any value, but the reality is that sadness, anger, and fear all play an adaptive role as well -- as do unpleasant bodily sensations such as hunger and pain. Hunger is a lousy feeling, but it plays an important role in letting you know when your body is running low on certain resources that are vital to its functioning. Fear tells you that now might be a good time to call 9/11 in order to elicit the help of the police in dealing with whoever is lurking around outside your house. Sadness, and even depression, often serve as powerful indicators that something in your life needs to change, e.g: your ongoing singlehood.

 

That's not to say that these emotions cannot become pathological. Just like the sensation of hunger might become abnormally persistent, such that one over-eats and gains an excessive amount of weight, so too might one become perpetually miserable and anhedonic in the absence of any identifiable lack or aversive external events (e.g: a purely organic mood disorder). But just as we would expect great hunger to accompany a prolonged period without any food intake, we should also expect that prolonged, or even lifelong, singlehood will cause a great deal of psychological distress for someone who wants very much to have a romantic partner.

 

Frankly, if people find such normal reactions to aversive stimulus to be 'unattractive', I think it says more about their own lack of compassion and insight into the human condition -- which may itself be some sort of defense against acknowledging their despair, or what-have-you -- than some sort of failing on the part of those who are suffering.

 

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Oh, and for my own part, I've been single for all of my 28 years... and no, I'm not going to pretend that it's something I'm thrilled about, or can just sweep under the rug.

[somedude81]

Yay a pity party! I brought chips.

 

Just a few weeks from 29 and I've never had a girlfriend. Every time I've had sex I've had to pay somebody. I once "dated" a fat girl for two weeks, about 5 years ago. She's the only girl I ever kissed. She dumped me before we could have sex.

 

I've been rejected by tons of women. So far this year I've only had two first dates and never got a second. My future is questionable.

 

I'm giving myself one more year then I'm just going to give up.

[PJKino]

Im 30 and never been in a relationship..

 

Women are obviously not attracted to me so ive stopped trying or caring about getting a women and stopped wasting my and their time..

[Disillusioned]

I'm 42, and I know the answer to "why me"... it's because I know what I like. All it took for me to get off that whole Jesus bit was to think, "would my life really be that much better if I paired up with this person?"

 

I deal with rejection by turning it around 180 degrees... when some woman rejects me, I reassure myself that it will be her loss, not mine, once I become well off from selling my books. Not my business if she won't take a chance on a potential loving husband.

[Tayla]

Really Disillusioned?? You really think they are grieving the loss....or should be since you aspire such things? Doubtfull. Its rather a masochist thing to site...that its their suffering if they break it off.....

 

As to whyme's....we grieve as a sense of ourselves has been lost, even for just those fleeting moments...we are in that hole....

Yes if it goes on for months and months then seek assistance...its not healthy to be perpetual....

It boarders on whining.....which yes is not very attractive when there are alternative perspectives available....What action led to that hole you fell into of self pity? Recognize it and change it...Overall know that its normal and at one time or another we get that whyme sensation.....

[skydiveaddict]

anyone else in the same boat? why is it that I look around and see the majority of my 25 year old friends in long term relationships varying from 3 - 7 years long and I'm on my own and incapable of dealing with my love life?

 

 

Yes I am in the same boat as you

[purgatori]

Really Disillusioned?? You really think they are grieving the loss....or should be since you aspire such things? Doubtfull. Its rather a masochist thing to site...that its their suffering if they break it off.....

 

As to whyme's....we grieve as a sense of ourselves has been lost, even for just those fleeting moments...we are in that hole....

Yes if it goes on for months and months then seek assistance...its not healthy to be perpetual....

It boarders on whining.....which yes is not very attractive when there are alternative perspectives available....What action led to that hole you fell into of self pity? Recognize it and change it...Overall know that its normal and at one time or another we get that whyme sensation.....

 

Incoherent ramblings aren't very attractive, either.

[CailinPig]

I suppose this is life. I'm the original poster, and it's so weird, but I was saying how everyone in my group was in a steady serious relationship. Well now, the girl in the longest relationship (7years) is after breaking up with her boyfriend. I guess we all have problems, eh?

[Myst]

Assuming someone desires to have a romantic partner/find love, then the natural reaction to the chronic frustration of this desire is negative affect. Not only is advice that amounts to 'just get over it' impractical, there is a mounting body of research -- particularly in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) literature -- suggesting that avoidance and denial strategies do more harm than good in terms of psychological well-being.

 

I know that a lot of people would like to believe that only our 'positive'/pleasurable emotions have any value, but the reality is that sadness, anger, and fear all play an adaptive role as well -- as do unpleasant bodily sensations such as hunger and pain. Hunger is a lousy feeling, but it plays an important role in letting you know when your body is running low on certain resources that are vital to its functioning. Fear tells you that now might be a good time to call 9/11 in order to elicit the help of the police in dealing with whoever is lurking around outside your house. Sadness, and even depression, often serve as powerful indicators that something in your life needs to change, e.g: your ongoing singlehood.

 

That's not to say that these emotions cannot become pathological. Just like the sensation of hunger might become abnormally persistent, such that one over-eats and gains an excessive amount of weight, so too might one become perpetually miserable and anhedonic in the absence of any identifiable lack or aversive external events (e.g: a purely organic mood disorder). But just as we would expect great hunger to accompany a prolonged period without any food intake, we should also expect that prolonged, or even lifelong, singlehood will cause a great deal of psychological distress for someone who wants very much to have a romantic partner.

 

Frankly, if people find such normal reactions to aversive stimulus to be 'unattractive', I think it says more about their own lack of compassion and insight into the human condition -- which may itself be some sort of defense against acknowledging their despair, or what-have-you -- than some sort of failing on the part of those who are suffering.

 

------------

 

Oh, and for my own part, I've been single for all of my 28 years... and no, I'm not going to pretend that it's something I'm thrilled about, or can just sweep under the rug.

 

wow well put,