Feeling useless and scared.

[Ripcop]

Hello, Everyone -

 

My name is Joe. For the past 10 years, I have been with the most patient and loving wife any man could ask for. Sure, there were bad times, and we did things to get on each other's nerves. Most of the things we did were fun.

 

I just lost her.

 

I did something that was innocent on the outside, but when I wrote the thing I did in an email, it made it sound like I had done something very wrong. My wife found it, and now she doesn't believe what I say actually happened. She has packed up and moved out.

 

I miss her so much already. I know that everything is my fault. I may never see her again. Im terribly scared and lonely...and I cant stop crying.

 

Thank you for letting me vent.

[cdn]

Not knowing what you did makes it hard to give meaningful advice but it if your wife is a reasonable person, I would guess that once she calms down you can present the truth to her and she will accept it.

 

Why do you think your wife would walk away from 10 years of marriage over a misunderstanding? Is there something more going on?

[Ripcop]

I cheated on her...but only via the use of a phone.

 

Not offering excuses here, but that's all I did.

[Samson]

Joe, there is no end to the depth of understanding we must have to be able to relate real events to how many females behave. The answer to why she packed up and left probably had a lot more behind it than you, I, or anyone could possibly understand. More than likely finding your email was a "straw that broke the camel's back." Don't even try to understand this. It is impossible.

 

So, rather than rational analysis, what other choice do you have? While you would most probably reject the notion of actually becoming a woman, trying to feel like a women seems to be very helpful. So, if you can empathise with her feelings, how would you act?

 

Now try to actually communicate to her on this level. Believe me, I know what I'm asking you to do is like asking you to stand on your head while eating a taco, but if you manage this trick, it might work.

 

Good Luck.

[SoleMate]

It is amazing how females can put up with years of mistreatment, patiently and lovingly swallowing their own hurt, until one day, something snaps. She may have been saying to herself all along, "Well, he's lazy, growing a gut, never takes me anywhere, spends more time with the TV than with me, and wastes our money, but at least I know he's faithful." Then one day even that belief is shattered.

 

The male myth that women are hard to understand is just that. Actually, women are quite easy to understand if you actually talk to them and listen to what they say. That's usually the hard part, though.

 

I agree that a woman in a generally good marriage will not walk out because of just one email, no matter WHAT it said. So there is more to this story - maybe parts you ignored for years.

 

The only help is joint counselling. I suggest you call or write her, or approach her anyway you can, and ask for a chance to attend counselling with her. It's a positive step that you take responsibility. Please try to focus away from your own hurt, onto her buried or smothered hurt that has lain dormant for years, that drove her to this (in my estimation).

[Fancy]

Joe, I'm really sorry you're hurting so bad right now. You really didn't give us much information to go on. Who did you send the email to? Your wife? Or did she read something you'd written to someone else?

 

You need to get in touch with your wife ASAP and talk to her. Answer any questions she may have and come totally clean with her. You can't assume that all is lost at this point. These things have a way of working out. Keep us posted!

[Ripcop]

Thank you all for responding...And i appreciate your help.

 

I have not been a good husband in the sense that I have basically took her for granted over the years. I would always correct what she said, ar get angry over things that were really not that important. I had been treated in the past for depression, and it helped, but I have been off my medication for a long time. I am now trying to find some way to get back on it, no matter how much weight I'll gain.

 

The biggest problem with us seemed to revolve around sex. Our love life was good, but it never seemed to satisfy me. I would always complain as to why she wouldn't do this or that. I believe this hurt her more than anything else. I called one of our mutual female friends, and what started as a joke, turned into phone sex. This mutual friend stopped talking to me, and when she started talking to me once again, I worte an email telling her that it "was nice being with her sexually." In my own mind, that's what it was, but the content of the letter was meant as sarcasm...nothing more.

 

I have always made my wife feel as if "She's not good enough." I'm now paying the price. I have realized that my life is so incomplete without her, that everyday I was with her, I was a complete jackass.

 

Joe

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by SoleMate

It is amazing how females can put up with years of mistreatment, patiently and lovingly swallowing their own hurt, until one day, something snaps. She may have been saying to herself all along, "Well, he's lazy, growing a gut, never takes me anywhere, spends more time with the TV than with me, and wastes our money, but at least I know he's faithful." Then one day even that belief is shattered.

 

So, So, True.

 

Originally posted by SoleMate

The male myth that women are hard to understand is just that. Actually, women are quite easy to understand if you actually talk to them and listen to what they say. That's usually the hard part, though.

 

Exactly.

 

Ripcop - it sounds like you know the answer. People (women and men) can only take so much of being put down. Sounds like that email was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe things can work out if you get counseling and teach yourself to appreciate her all the time (not just when you're losing her). Good luck-

[doniker]

Why do people always wait until it is too late to realize there is a problem?

 

You pushed your wife over the edge, you drove her away.

 

Odds are that if she did ever come back you will eventally start treating her bad again. It's human nature.

[Ripcop]

doinker -

 

No kidding. I realize that.

 

I wasnt trying to make excuses. I was just trying to talk.

 

Thanks for pointing out my mistakes!

[SoleMate]

Ripcop - Given what you know now, do you feel it is in your wife's best interest to come back to you? Would you go back to a situation that was a round-the-clock kick in the teeth for you? Would you recommend it to your sister?

 

Please think about that.

 

And go ahead and vent - 98% of the people on this forum know all about pain and are here to vent as well. Even if you can't patch things up with your wife, you can change yourself and be ready to build another relationship, based on mutual respect and love, that will last.

[Ripcop]

SoleMate -

 

Thank you. And no, I wouldn't want to come back to a situation like that. But I want my wife back, and I told her that I am willing to be castrated if she comes back to me. I have caused her too much pain for so long, that nothing in my life matters now other than making her happy.

 

I am trying my best to change. I have scheduled conseling and Psych appointments so far. I do want to become a better person than what I am now.

 

If she divorces me...I dont know what I'll do.

 

:sick:

[meanon]

There is no easy answer here - you will need to prove you are capable of change and that you love her. You stand a better chance of doing this if you are clear headed and determined. Strive for it like you would do any other goal worth attaining. Good luck.

[Ripcop]

meanon -

 

Thank you, mate.

 

I appreciate your words of encouragement.

 

Joe

[meanon]

You're welcome Joe

[Fancy]

Joe, where do things stand right at this moment with your wife? Have you been in contact with her at all? If not, how long has it been since you've seen or spoken to her?

 

It sounds like you want to get your life back on track. I think you're taking a wise step in setting up an appointment for counseling. Perhaps getting back on your medication for depression will be a big help as well. You have a lot of things to repair. A good place to start is to let your wife know you're working on you. Get yourself under control and back in good mental health again. Make yourself someone she wants to come back to! Love doesn't just die overnight and I'm sure your wife will listen to what you have to say. Words probably won't suffice now, though. You've got to prove to her through your actions that you're willing to make a change. She's been beaten down emotionally by you and now made to feel like less of a woman. There are scars.

 

Also, one more thing from a woman's point of view here. I understand that to you it was only phone sex, but she may not see it that way. She feels betrayed. Period. Whether you actually penetrated someone else or not isn't going to make a real difference to her. I think you need to clarify to your wife exactly what was done, but please don't try to make light of it by saying, "Hon, it was only phone sex." To her that's going to be a slap in the face. In a woman's eyes, betrayal is betrayal. There aren't necessarily "degrees" of it. I'm not trying to get on your here or anything.........I'm just trying to give you a different point of view.

 

Please keep posting and let us know how things progress, okay?

[Ripcop]

Hi Fancy -

 

My wife came home today. It's both encouraging and sad at the same time. I agree with you wholeheartedly that I need to get my life back on track. But I don't want to smother her either.

 

There is the typical gamut of emotions at this point. I never realized what I did would hurt so many people. Her father lives with us, and he doesn't know what to do. I told him that he could still stay here as long as he wishes. Not that would keep his daughter here, but the man has nowhere to go. he's lived with us for almost two years.

 

I can guarentee that I'll be thinking with the correct head from now on.

 

I thank you also for your insight into the way a woman would feel about this issue.

 

Can someone please tell me that this will get better...PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

[monkey]

Ripcop I feel for you as i'm in the same boat. Why do we realise when mabe it's too late. I too have made mistakes & my seperated one who i love so much is in USA & i came home to England to sort myself out & get well, since then i heard things she didn't tell me when i was there.

 

All i can say is that there comes a time when we have to change ourselves or risk losing people. & i just pray that someone whoever it may be gives us that chance to show them our change.

 

I too agree with what fancy says, we must show them we are someone they want to come back t, but we must have that chance to show them. I'm having councelling & therapy for anxiety & yes it's for me but for her too because i not want to lose her. She says it's finished, but that was in anger at the time. We all deserve a break, because if were gonna be different, were gonna be different & they may like it!

[meanon]

Whilst seeing you so upset will help your wife realise how much you care for her, she also needs to see you taking responsibility for what has happened (I mean the earlier stuff, I think the phone sex was the last straw). Part of this means accepting the distress (yours and your wife's) rather than projecting it on to her in an attempt to show her how much you need her - why she must come back. She has enough grief of her own to deal with and may not apprciate being made to feel responsible for resolving yours too.

 

If I had been badly let down by someone, even if we loved each other, I would be wary of taking a risk with my heart if they didn't show that they were prepared to weather the storm they had caused, that they had learned from their mistakes as opposed to simply being a victim of them.

 

Maybe you appreciate this distinction already. If not please consider being calmer in your communication with your wife so she begins to feel a little safer with you. Tell of the depths of your love but without the tinge of despair which may drive her away, which says "my grief is more important than yours".

 

Your wife is back home and that is such a good sign - you have the contact you need to show your love and that you are able to change. It may also be a sign that she has hope - so critical to turning any relationship around.

 

It will get easier in time if things go well. You are in for a long haul and a rollercoaster ride. You need determination and resolve to give yourself the best chance of success. Take it in stages - aim to get her to like you again for a start - work at it, earn it. The longer you float in a sea of depair the less time you have to take a grip of the situation and do something about it. You are taking all the right steps on a practical level, I hope some of these attitudinal approaches will work for you too. If not, be guided by your wife's needs and responses.

[Samson]

We cannot predict the future, but I believe the fact that she's returned is a very good sign

 

you will need to prove you are capable of change and that you love her.

 

meanon's words are true, albiet, easier said than done.

 

You have it in you to carry this through.

 

By the way, Soulmate, I'll assume you are female, in which case your statement that:

Actually, women are quite easy to understand if you actually talk to them and listen to what they say

 

is completely reasonable.

[meanon]

Originally posted by Samson:

trying to feel like a women seems to be very helpful

 

LOL Samson maybe you are qualified to teach empathy classes after all!!!

[monkey]

Meanon, do you not think that showing how upset you are will show your looking for sympathy?

My s/o said she cant tell me things that aren't true, just to make me feel better!

Yes Samson, people can't tell the future, so why do people say things now about how yhey feel in the future, like ' i'll never want you, no matter how long we're apart'

She knows i'm here to change & how do the s/o's know how you will be, they may like it.

Could they just be speaking with their current feelings.

All i've done is be ill, she's talking to me as if i was violent to her, it so upsets me.

[meanon]

Monkey,

 

It's a question of balance. Tell them how you feel but then stop - they know already. By continuing to tell someone who says they do not want to hear it, you are saying "you must love me because I feel so bad". That's not how love works.

 

I shouldnt have posted an aside to Samson on ripcops's thread - let's move to your thread if you want to reply.

[Fancy]

Joe, that's a very good sign!!! I think you two need to do a lot of talking and you especially need to do a lot of listening. Another thing you have to remember about women is that sometimes they need to beat something in the ground. I know that being a man, once you've explained yourself, it should suffice, right? Wrong. Not with women! You may have to answer the same questions over and over and over. Understand that this is part of the healing process.

 

I feel really bad for her dad. He's probably wondering about his own fate right now. Please take care of him and let him know he's secure there. I think that's wonderful of you to say he can stay there no matter what. That shows a tremendous amount of character on your part.

 

Please hang in there. Just take one day at a time and communicate with your wife. Also, just because she's back, don't stop working on you. Keep those appointments you've made!

 

Good luck to you! I'll be checking back for updates.