Time Heals?

[Nick]

Reading some of the other posts they sound similar to my situation. My girlfriend and I broke up a few months back and it wasn't a friendly break up but I still have deep feelings for her. I tried contacting her right away which was a mistake I know but love makes you lose your mind sometimes. It's now been over a month since my last try and I so bad want to call or email her but I also want her to feel that I have moved on and can live w/o her even though I'm dying inside. Do I just continue to lay low and if she calls then maybe it was meant to be and if she doesn't then obviously it wasn't? It makes me sick to even think of being with anyone else right now or in the future. I want her back but think as time passes w/o any response from her time hasn't healed but just made her move on...what would you guys do?????

[Tony T]

You won't hear from her for a very long time.

 

Ladies prefer friendly break-ups. Gentlemen work hard to leave on good terms, no matter what the disagreement is. Unless a woman shoots you, there is no reason to leave her with a bad taste in her mouth.

 

You may not hear from her at all. Many women have the great ability to move on rather quickly. You need to develop that yourself. If you loved her as much as you now profess, you would have made really certain that the break up was cordial and open to something in the future. It sounds like you split up on pretty bad terms, which usually forecloses the possiblity of a later reconciliation.

 

So this is one of those crappy learning processes that we go through in life. Always remember, even a few words said angrily in a short fit of temper can cause irreversible damage to a relationship. Learn to handle relationship conflicts in a positive way and back off if the lady loses it. Don't buy into rage and anger.

 

I wish I could tell you this girl will call you one day but she really has no reason to. She is hurt, going through the healing process, and having more to do with you would just peel the scab from her heart and lengthen the time it takes her to feel better.

 

Right now, she doesn't care whether you can live with her or without her. Her plans are to move on with her life and you should move on with yours. Don't feel the least bit guilty about the way you broke up with her but learn from it.

 

Perhaps a year or so down the road, when she is truly over this, she'll be able to talk to you in a civilized manner. But I really don't think it would be worth your while to work at being friends with a lady with whom you want to restore a romance. There is a very small chance that could happen but the chances are too small for you to put your life on hold and count on it.

 

If you really love her, you will allow her to move on without interuption or contact from you.

 

Cherish the good times you spent with her. There are many many other great females with whom you can begin life anew and I hope you will give that your focus.

[Chris]

Ok, as being a person who was in your situation, I'll add a bit here. What makes this difficult to understand is exactly what you mean when you said the relationship ended in a "not so friendly way". If by that you mean there was a lot of yelling and she deveoloped a genuine hatred for you, then I would totally agree with what Tony says and move on. I'm sure that is not what you want to hear though.

 

Just for a minute let's assume that the breakup was not like that, but rather there was just a lot of frustration in it. If that is the case then you need some time apart. Not only because "time heals" but you need that time to understand what the problems actually were. I can think of a couple past relationships I was in where I had problems...and after thinking about those problems for a day or two I was sure I knew what they were and how to deal with them. However, even though I thought I was sure of it, days and weeks later I realized my first reaction was not the best. What I'm saying is you have to figure out and UNDERSTAND what the problems were, and no matter how sure you may think you are that you know them, you need time to let the situation sink in and settle down.

 

I'd say let another month or two go by and let yourself do that. It's important for you to not make any contact with her at all during that time though. After some time has gone by and thing settle down, then maybe contact her. It would be best to do so just as a friend though, and DO NOT let her beleive for even a minute you have any more expectations than that. That is the most you can hope for right now. It may not be exactly what you want, but if you really think your situation is one that CAN be worked out becasue things haven't gotten too far out of hand..then that is somethign to work toward.

 

There is one bit of strong advice I have for you, above all else. There is a book that explains things very well, take an afternoon and go to a store and read it of just pick it up. I may be wrong but I beleive I read a post a few months back where someone else recomended it (maybe it was Tony). I'm not sure of the author, but I beleive it's called "Love Tactics"???. Don't pick it up and read it and then think it'll give you all your answers, but read it from cover to cover and let it sink in for a while, I think for someone in your situation it may be a great help.

 

Sorry for being so long, but as I said I also have read many people posting things on this message board similair to your situation and I have been in that situation myself also. You must first decide if it is really worth your time (based on the damage done to your relationship) to pursue things further. If it is, then let time be your ally. Use it to identify the problems and also to advance your own career, friendships on your own. If she sees you are independant without her AND that you still care for her, over time that may help things out.

[Nick]

Thank you...I will make sure I pick up the recommended reading...

Ok, as being a person who was in your situation, I'll add a bit here. What makes this difficult to understand is exactly what you mean when you said the relationship ended in a "not so friendly way". If by that you mean there was a lot of yelling and she deveoloped a genuine hatred for you, then I would totally agree with what Tony says and move on. I'm sure that is not what you want to hear though. Just for a minute let's assume that the breakup was not like that, but rather there was just a lot of frustration in it. If that is the case then you need some time apart. Not only because "time heals" but you need that time to understand what the problems actually were. I can think of a couple past relationships I was in where I had problems...and after thinking about those problems for a day or two I was sure I knew what they were and how to deal with them. However, even though I thought I was sure of it, days and weeks later I realized my first reaction was not the best. What I'm saying is you have to figure out and UNDERSTAND what the problems were, and no matter how sure you may think you are that you know them, you need time to let the situation sink in and settle down. I'd say let another month or two go by and let yourself do that. It's important for you to not make any contact with her at all during that time though. After some time has gone by and thing settle down, then maybe contact her. It would be best to do so just as a friend though, and DO NOT let her beleive for even a minute you have any more expectations than that. That is the most you can hope for right now. It may not be exactly what you want, but if you really think your situation is one that CAN be worked out becasue things haven't gotten too far out of hand..then that is somethign to work toward. There is one bit of strong advice I have for you, above all else. There is a book that explains things very well, take an afternoon and go to a store and read it of just pick it up. I may be wrong but I beleive I read a post a few months back where someone else recomended it (maybe it was Tony). I'm not sure of the author, but I beleive it's called "Love Tactics"???. Don't pick it up and read it and then think it'll give you all your answers, but read it from cover to cover and let it sink in for a while, I think for someone in your situation it may be a great help. Sorry for being so long, but as I said I also have read many people posting things on this message board similair to your situation and I have been in that situation myself also. You must first decide if it is really worth your time (based on the damage done to your relationship) to pursue things further. If it is, then let time be your ally. Use it to identify the problems and also to advance your own career, friendships on your own. If she sees you are independant without her AND that you still care for her, over time that may help things out.