BS emailing OW about affair

[shabookittie]

Should I reply?

 

BS was sent anonymous email about our affair. MM did not come clean about our affair. He said that he is protecting me (I am seperated and it may affect child custody). He said his BS wants to ruin me.

He said he didn't tell her that he told me that he loved me and that we have been physical. He basically blew it off as a year and half long inppropriate online relationship romance with a few lunch dates.

A few days after finding out, she declares she wants to save marriage and get mc...and counseling for her binge drinking as well. He agreed saying that he loved us both...but he fell in love with her first. He said he meant everything he said to me and cared about me. And that he may not be able to forget me. Then, here I am laying under the bus.

 

The day he received some closure from me...she emailed me asking how long we have been iming each other. Like she is digging for more information. And maybe my closure wore on his face and mood so it lead her to ask. It has been a month and I still haven't replied to her email. But I honestly want to know some truth as well...for one had she really agreed to a divorce. My head says stay the hell out of it though. Even though my heart is broken. It's been a month since we said our goodbyes. He hasn't contacted me anymore.

[GreenEyedLady]

Don't reply. Stay out of it. Her M, her problem. She'll only use you to advance her agenda; When she's done with that, you're out like yesterday's news. If you give her information, she may use it against you (custody). Don't hurt yourself or your custody chances.

 

GEL

[jthorne]

I'd reply. Tell her the truth. You may get some truth in return.

[cuddlekeeper]

Please don't email...the past is past...it will only set back your grieving process and open old wounds...I know we all like closeur but I think this one is dangerous.

 

Good luck

[pureinheart]

Don't reply. Stay out of it. Her M, her problem. She'll only use you to advance her agenda; When she's done with that, you're out like yesterday's news. If you give her information, she may use it against you (custody). Don't hurt yourself or your custody chances.

 

GEL

 

Yep, what GEL and cuddle said. It's best to forgive and forget:)...BTW, welcome to the forum...

[Hazyhead]

I don't think you should reply to an email. Stay out of it and concentrate on your own healing. I don't think the truth will make any difference at all, in fact it may just set you back - what could you possibly need to know at this stage that will change things? He hasn't contacted you; it's over - the best thing you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and leave it behind you. Good luck with it, hon.

[shabookittie]

Thank you for your honesty. Hazyhead, just seeing "it's over" written in your comment felt like a hammar...in a good way. I need someone to tell me that. My heart is still on a different page.

I have always read where it's not wise for the ow to contact the bs.The no more hurt issue. But in my case I was being sought out by her. I feel awful for her. Here she is ready to tackle a drinking problem...and wanting to rebuild a dishonest marriage on a foundation of his dishonesty. If she should find out later it will devastate her. And many women usually do.

 

GEl you are right, it's their marriage...and it's now between them. And three is a crowd. My stbx is the one that I believe sent her the anonymous email. The emails only professed to having proof of us...but not giving her alot of information. I am trying to get a job in this awful economy in order to have enough money to file for a divorce. I am ready for the stbx to stop his threats.

 

And thank you for the welcome! I will catch you up on my story a bit later... thank all of you. I will need your support! Hope I can help too...

[2sunny]

by not speaking (or typing) YOUR truth to his W - you are feeding into the lie. lying by omission is still lying.

 

she has asked - she wants to know the truth. you have an obligation to give it to her... YOUR experience with her H.

 

since he told you he loved you - intended to be with you - had sex with you... and SHE wants to know - you need to allow her to understand what her H is unwilling to say. then SHE can make her own decisions for HERSELF.

 

since she's asking for your truth - i would give her that peace of mind that she's searching for.

[jthorne]

Thank you for your honesty. Hazyhead, just seeing "it's over" written in your comment felt like a hammar...in a good way. I need someone to tell me that. My heart is still on a different page.

I have always read where it's not wise for the ow to contact the bs.The no more hurt issue. But in my case I was being sought out by her. I feel awful for her. Here she is ready to tackle a drinking problem...and wanting to rebuild a dishonest marriage on a foundation of his dishonesty. If she should find out later it will devastate her. And many women usually do.

 

GEl you are right, it's their marriage...and it's now between them. And three is a crowd. My stbx is the one that I believe sent her the anonymous email. The emails only professed to having proof of us...but not giving her alot of information. I am trying to get a job in this awful economy in order to have enough money to file for a divorce. I am ready for the stbx to stop his threats.

 

And thank you for the welcome! I will catch you up on my story a bit later... thank all of you. I will need your support! Hope I can help too...

Do you realize how hypocritical this post is? How self-serving? You had no problem being a 3rd party in their marriage when you were banging her husband, but now that the BS has asked for the truth, you say 3's a crowd and you don't want to hurt her? Do you see how this doesn't make sense? You had no problem hurting her before, so why now the crisis of conscience?

[GreenEyedLady]

Do you realize how hypocritical this post is? How self-serving? You had no problem being a 3rd party in their marriage when you were banging her husband, but now that the BS has asked for the truth, you say 3's a crowd and you don't want to hurt her? Do you see how this doesn't make sense? You had no problem hurting her before, so why now the crisis of conscience?

 

The OP needs to take care of herself now.

 

She is not responsible for giving information to her lover's W. That quite frankly is HIS job. If he won't do it, then she is left to make her own truth, which I believe she will do ANYWAY. Whether she speaks to the OP or not, she will spin it the way she needs to.

 

I'm really surprised by the tone of your post.

 

The OP owes her nothing. She is out of the picture and the W needs to get to Herenow's stance: the OW is not a part of her M.

 

As for hypocritical, aren't these R's full of these aspects? We say we are good people and yet we have been in EMA's. So you and I are hypocrites? I'm sorry but I live my life the best way I know how. And I believe in forgiveness and repentance. Do you believe that because you were in an EMA, your whole life should be chaste, without joy, because of it?

 

I didn't think so.

 

OP we are responsible for our own choices in life. Weigh your choice on how it will affect your life and your future. You owe yourself and your children. Use the information that you have now, learn the lesson you need to learn, forgive yourself and move on.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

[2sunny]

The OP needs to take care of herself now.

 

She is not responsible for giving information to her lover's W. That quite frankly is HIS job. If he won't do it, then she is left to make her own truth, which I believe she will do ANYWAY. Whether she speaks to the OP or not, she will spin it the way she needs to.

 

I'm really surprised by the tone of your post.

 

The OP owes her nothing. She is out of the picture and the W needs to get to Herenow's stance: the OW is not a part of her M.

 

As for hypocritical, aren't these R's full of these aspects? We say we are good people and yet we have been in EMA's. So you and I are hypocrites? I'm sorry but I live my life the best way I know how. And I believe in forgiveness and repentance. Do you believe that because you were in an EMA, your whole life should be chaste, without joy, because of it?

 

I didn't think so.

 

OP we are responsible for our own choices in life. Weigh your choice on how it will affect your life and your future. You owe yourself and your children. Use the information that you have now, learn the lesson you need to learn, forgive yourself and move on.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

 

GEL - the W specifically asked the OP for this information. to keep said info on purpose - info that helps the W make HER decision based on the truth - is withholding the truth to OP benefit and NOT in his W best interest at all.

 

IF she had never asked - it would be a different story - but she has. she needs that info to make a decision in HER best interest because she may be wondering where the truth lies. IF she is basing her decision on the truth - she then knows how to make a decision that's right for HER. to keep said info from her keeps her from having the ability to decide what her best interest may look like.

 

since the W asked... i think she deserves to have an understanding of the full scope of how her H participated so she understands what kind of man she's married to - and whether or not SHE chooses to continue with the M based on what transpired through their M.

 

the one who can provide that info is OP. i think it's best that telling the W is now the right thing to do. give her the peace of mind she's been asking for.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL - the W specifically asked the OP for this information. to keep said info on purpose - info that helps the W make HER decision based on the truth - is withholding the truth to OP benefit and NOT in his W best interest at all.

 

I know that she specifically asked.

 

And I still think that the OP should remain silent. She assumes a huge amount of personal risk by PUTTING IN WRITING anything to the BS. Or even talking to her.

 

And sorry I've been through a D and I know what the stakes are especially when you are talking about possible losing your babies.

 

She made a bad choice getting involved with a MP when she was married. But that does REQUIRE her throwing her own interests to the wind to rectify.

 

The BS can find another way to decide on whether she wants to stay M. In fact lots of BS's won't even believe what they hear from the OW. If they meet in person they want to size them up and make comparisons. And then out to the world.

 

My best advice based on the circumstances is to stay quiet, stay out of the M and look after her own best interests.

 

GEL

[2sunny]

I know that she specifically asked.

 

And I still think that the OP should remain silent. She assumes a huge amount of personal risk by PUTTING IN WRITING anything to the BS. Or even talking to her.

 

And sorry I've been through a D and I know what the stakes are especially when you are talking about possible losing your babies.

 

She made a bad choice getting involved with a MP when she was married. But that does REQUIRE her throwing her own interests to the wind to rectify.

 

The BS can find another way to decide on whether she wants to stay M. In fact lots of BS's won't even believe what they hear from the OW. If they meet in person they want to size them up and make comparisons. And then out to the world.

 

My best advice based on the circumstances is to stay quiet, stay out of the M and look after her own best interests.

GEL

 

i disagree.

 

she knew what the risks were when she started - and decided to still participate. now it's time to do the right thing and be honest.

 

 

IF she's being a decent Mother to her children - she won't lose her babies. a D doesn't necessarily mean you lose your children. every parent has certain rights that give the opportunity for time spent with their kids. two separate issues completely.

 

the best interest for ANY person in life is to tell their own truth. his W asked - and she now owes this to his W. looking out for her own best interest is backwards. OP chose to participate as a 3rd party in the M... she should OWN her actions - tell her truth - and stay out of it all at that point.

 

when she tells her truth - she will be able to have some peace of mind restored... and i'm referring to both women in this scenario. i wouldn't normally recommend this - except that his W has requested the info she knows is needed and understands she isn't going to get it from her H.

 

be kind and loving when giving the info that you know will hurt her. that is a good amends for the harm that was created. that is a great place to start.

[Lady vs Panda]

I would opine that the lesson she should learn before forgiving herself is how to live a life of truth, which includes owning what she has taken part in, rather than continuing to passively engage in lies by ommission therefore playing a key in the failure of a marriage, and rationalizing it away via the hypocrisy Jthorne pointed out.

[2sunny]

I know that she specifically asked.

 

And I still think that the OP should remain silent. She assumes a huge amount of personal risk by PUTTING IN WRITING anything to the BS. Or even talking to her.

 

And sorry I've been through a D and I know what the stakes are especially when you are talking about possible losing your babies.

 

She made a bad choice getting involved with a MP when she was married. But that does REQUIRE her throwing her own interests to the wind to rectify.

 

The BS can find another way to decide on whether she wants to stay M. In fact lots of BS's won't even believe what they hear from the OW. If they meet in person they want to size them up and make comparisons. And then out to the world.

 

My best advice based on the circumstances is to stay quiet, stay out of the M and look after her own best interests.

 

GEL

 

tell me GEL - is this the ideal YOU would want - hypothetically, if your H had cheated on you and wouldn't reveal the truth to you?

 

if you KNEW you needed the truth - wouldn't you want his OW to provide you with some peace of mind in order to make a decision based on what ACTUALLY happened - rather than sit and wonder what may or may not have happened. meanwhile spending 10-20-30 more years with said man - always wondering what happened... EVERY day for the rest of your life?

 

what would YOU actually want GEL - IF that BS were you...

[Silly_Girl]

I'd want the truth, in her shoes. She's received no respect so far but this is something where you CAN consider her rights/needs.

[jthorne]

She is not responsible for giving information to her lover's W. That quite frankly is HIS job. If he won't do it, then she is left to make her own truth, which I believe she will do ANYWAY. Whether she speaks to the OP or not, she will spin it the way she needs to.

Who are you to decide what a BS will do with information she specifically asked for?

[Secure]

The OP needs to take care of herself now.

 

She is not responsible for giving information to her lover's W. That quite frankly is HIS job. If he won't do it, then she is left to make her own truth, which I believe she will do ANYWAY. Whether she speaks to the OP or not, she will spin it the way she needs to.

 

I'm really surprised by the tone of your post.

 

The OP owes her nothing. She is out of the picture and the W needs to get to Herenow's stance: the OW is not a part of her M.

 

As for hypocritical, aren't these R's full of these aspects? We say we are good people and yet we have been in EMA's. So you and I are hypocrites? I'm sorry but I live my life the best way I know how. And I believe in forgiveness and repentance. Do you believe that because you were in an EMA, your whole life should be chaste, without joy, because of it?

 

I didn't think so.

 

OP we are responsible for our own choices in life. Weigh your choice on how it will affect your life and your future. You owe yourself and your children. Use the information that you have now, learn the lesson you need to learn, forgive yourself and move on.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

 

Most people do not seem to understand. I will never understand why BS feel the OM/OW owes them MORE than the WS. With all present(BS, xMM, and my spouse), I told the BS that it is my responsibility to answer to my husband, not her. And that her husband owed her the answers she wanted, not me. I spoke with her previously but was not going to have daily conversations about every detail. She was giving me far more heat than the one who made vows to her. This is evident to all who were present, not just my opinion.

[GreenEyedLady]

Who are you to decide what a BS will do with information she specifically asked for?

 

I don't decide anything. I read and therefore analyze.

 

It's just like you read an OW's post and see certain things.

 

A lot of times there's a common theme and you apply it to a post.

 

But I know you already know that.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

I'd want the truth, in her shoes. She's received no respect so far but this is something where you CAN consider her rights/needs.

 

You know, it's so funny that when it's OVER you think about the BS.

 

Sorry, I am just cut of the cloth that I don't betray someone I love(d).

 

And I certainly wouldn't ruin my life for someone else out of some misplaced sense of what it is "right."

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

tell me GEL - is this the ideal YOU would want - hypothetically, if your H had cheated on you and wouldn't reveal the truth to you?

 

if you KNEW you needed the truth - wouldn't you want his OW to provide you with some peace of mind in order to make a decision based on what ACTUALLY happened - rather than sit and wonder what may or may not have happened. meanwhile spending 10-20-30 more years with said man - always wondering what happened... EVERY day for the rest of your life?

 

what would YOU actually want GEL - IF that BS were you...

 

You know what I would do if I thought my H was cheating on me?

 

I'd throw his s*** out on the lawn.

 

If I THINK he's cheating on me, he IS.

 

I don't need proof. I don't need his piece of a** telling me a thing. Because I'd know it in my heart.

 

And that woman wouldn't have a place in my M or in my thoughts. My beef would be with my H.

 

It is absolutely crazy to think that someone who loves another person would throw them under the bus.

 

OF COURSE THEY WOULD LIE!

 

And in the vast realm of things that would actually happen and the OP told the truth, I wouldn't believe them. Because people slant stories to put them in a favorable light. There's his version, her version and the truth. And I'm not placing the fate of my M on someone who would sleep with my H!!!

 

I mean please. I've been on both sides. We all know what's going on. We might want to ignore for a while until we can handle the truth, but we KNOW.

 

And I'd be damned if I'd give an OW the satisfaction of knowing my H wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know.

 

GEL

[jthorne]

You know, it's so funny that when it's OVER you think about the BS.

 

Sorry, I am just cut of the cloth that I don't betray someone I love(d).

 

And I certainly wouldn't ruin my life for someone else out of some misplaced sense of what it is "right."

 

GEL

Oh, I get it. Your loyalty remains with the liar during and after the affair.

[jthorne]

Here's my view and the last I have to say about it. As much as I would like to contact the BS to clear my conscience, she has not contacted me, so therefore, it is not my place to inject myself into her life. Do I think she should know her H betrayed her for a lot of years? Yes. But my relationship with the WS is over, and if I wasn't willing to come clean during the A, it seems hypocritical for me to do so now. After all, me doing so would really be for my benefit, to clear my conscience.

 

However, if at any time she were to contact me, I would certainly give her the truth. Since she has asked that of me, it is my place to give her the truth, and be willing to accept whatever consequence comes my way. Because telling her the truth in this case is for her benefit, not mine. If she chose to spin whatever I said, that would be her perogative, and part of the consequences I must face. But it is not for me to withold information she has asked for just to save my own ass.

 

The OP has to decide what's in her character and act accordingly.

[Secure]

You know what I would do if I thought my H was cheating on me?

 

I'd throw his s*** out on the lawn.

 

If I THINK he's cheating on me, he IS.

 

I don't need proof. I don't need his piece of a** telling me a thing. Because I'd know it in my heart.

 

And that woman wouldn't have a place in my M or in my thoughts. My beef would be with my H.

 

It is absolutely crazy to think that someone who loves another person would throw them under the bus.

 

OF COURSE THEY WOULD LIE!

 

And in the vast realm of things that would actually happen and the OP told the truth, I wouldn't believe them. Because people slant stories to put them in a favorable light. There's his version, her version and the truth. And I'm not placing the fate of my M on someone who would sleep with my H!!!

 

I mean please. I've been on both sides. We all know what's going on. We might want to ignore for a while until we can handle the truth, but we KNOW.

 

And I'd be damned if I'd give an OW the satisfaction of knowing my H wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know.

 

GEL

 

Well damn, you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Secure]

You know what I would do if I thought my H was cheating on me?

 

I'd throw his s*** out on the lawn.

 

If I THINK he's cheating on me, he IS.

 

I don't need proof. I don't need his piece of a** telling me a thing. Because I'd know it in my heart.

 

And that woman wouldn't have a place in my M or in my thoughts. My beef would be with my H.

 

It is absolutely crazy to think that someone who loves another person would throw them under the bus.

 

OF COURSE THEY WOULD LIE!

 

And in the vast realm of things that would actually happen and the OP told the truth, I wouldn't believe them. Because people slant stories to put them in a favorable light. There's his version, her version and the truth. And I'm not placing the fate of my M on someone who would sleep with my H!!!

 

I mean please. I've been on both sides. We all know what's going on. We might want to ignore for a while until we can handle the truth, but we KNOW.

 

And I'd be damned if I'd give an OW the satisfaction of knowing my H wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know.

 

GEL

 

GEL, most women have all the proof and still deny what happened. Wanting to speak with the OW despite having solid proof beyond phone records like hotel reservations and dinner receipts for two. For what reasons would you later find out about your husband's hotel reservations you knew nothing about???? Believe or not, many would believe his lie that he was only at a meeting!