BS emailing OW about affair

[GreenEyedLady]

ahahahaha, this is the funniest obvious blunder i've seen in a long while!

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao

 

Yeah, keep on laughing.

 

When someone doesn't agree with you and it's obvious that you are WRONG and have a private agenda, you need to deflect.

 

Whatever. I have the OP's best interests at heart and you so obviously DON'T. All you care about is vindicating yourself vicariously.

 

OP take note.

 

GEL

[2sunny]

Yeah, keep on laughing.

 

When someone doesn't agree with you and it's obvious that you are WRONG and have a private agenda, you need to deflect.

 

Whatever. I have the OP's best interests at heart and you so obviously DON'T. All you care about is vindicating yourself vicariously.

 

OP take note.

 

GEL

 

agenda? my only agenda is for the best interest of what is right. to tell the truth is the right thing GEL, in MY opinion - since she was specifically asked for her truth.

 

that's what i've been pointing out throughout the thread.

 

i can see you have your own opinion - to say you are right and i am wrong is absurd - it's only an opinion. i am entitled to my opinion as well.

 

I have the OP's best interests at heart and you so obviously DON'T. All you care about is vindicating yourself vicariously.

 

please don't assume and make false assumptions as to my perspective GEL. i DO have the OP best interest in mind. i can speak for myself.

 

i am of the belief that to speak one's own truth brings peace of mind. that is in the best interest of the OP.

[Silly_Girl]

You know, it's so funny that when it's OVER you think about the BS.

 

Sorry, I am just cut of the cloth that I don't betray someone I love(d).

 

And I certainly wouldn't ruin my life for someone else out of some misplaced sense of what it is "right."

 

GEL

 

Not JUST when it's over, from my point of view, actually. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Missing out on closure, and the potential truth... That's hard to deal with. Info shared with the BS could make a phenomenal difference to her recovery. The OP can't undo the wrong she did vis a vis the affair but she can show some compassion here.

Edited July 11, 2010 by Silly_Girl

[turnstone]

Whatever an OW tells the BS, however truthful it is, it is highly unlikely the BS will have any way of validating it and so very likely she will question its honesty in the future and feel humiliated that she had to get the story from the OW, so it'll all have been for nothing anyway.

 

All she will know is the OW knew something the BS didn't and more than the BS'H was willing to tell her. That's painful and of no benefit to her.

 

If an OW is going to tell the BS all about the affair she better be damn sensitive as to how to do that, because it'll take some kind of special to pitch it in such a way the BS isn't hurt even more, and that not good if you're an OW with other considerations like children.

[lolapalooza]

I am not pointing at the OP when I say .. It is amazing the OW on here who will squirm, hide, even bring their children into it - to avoid even the courtesy of answering to a BS. It should be a common responsibility that goes with the territory.

 

I agree, Califnan. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

 

What I think is interesting here is those that are advising her not to tell are also those that swear they would not ask in the first place. Seems they are missing the point.

 

Nevertheless, it appears the OP came here with the agenda of receiving validation for her decision. I guess she got what she came for.

[califnan]

Not JUST when it's over, from my point of view, actually. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Missing out on closure, and the potential truth... That's hard to deal with. Info shared with the BS could make a phenomenal difference to her recovery. The OP can't undo the wrong she did vis a vis the affair but she can show some compassion here.

 

------------------------

 

That's all correct SG .. Two wrongs don't make a right .. or further coverup to protect the OW .. as compared to some compassion when Asked a question to make a difference in her recovery ..

[Secure]

this is SO many enormous assumptions! no one is to presume to know if the BS even intends to do anything with the information she intends to gather.

 

please don't jump to conclusions that all BS intend to get nasty with the truth they learn.

 

 

I can only speak from my experience. BS could not WAIT to talk to my husband. "Wait until I talk to him" and so forth. All her negativity, yelling, and anger with him only helped me. Her ultimate goal was to increase my husband's anger toward me and make sure my marriage failed. He could smell it. This could be the same case for her!!!!

[Hazyhead]

Should I reply?

 

BS was sent anonymous email about our affair. MM did not come clean about our affair. He said that he is protecting me (I am seperated and it may affect child custody). He said his BS wants to ruin me.

 

This is what concerned me. Yes, I am a believer in the truth in this instance if asked. But, I would not write anything down that could be used against me. If there's even a slight chance it may affect your custody then, personally, I wouldn't do it. What I was going to say in my initial post was maybe write her and tell her to call you if she still has questions. But, do not write any facts down; make it completely ephemeral.

[shabookittie]

:(The day that dday occurred she sporatically sent an email here or there with her phone number...and asking the brief one liner questions. She sat with him and told him to write a nc letter. I called him two days later. There were things I needed to know. So that is how I am aware of most. We said our forever goodbyes. I wrote a closure letter a few days letter and mailed it to a private location. And haven't spoken to him since. And won't.

Two weeks later (the day he received letter) she sent me another email asking "how long have you been iming my husband." The YOU sort of hung heavy with me...as if her husband had been victimized by me. Do you think this one liner email seemed sort of confrontational instead of "I need to know." The letter was pretty powerful...so I assume it showed on his face.

So it's not okay to contact the BS about the truth of an affair...knowingly or unknowingly as she might be. To avoid hurting her. But yet, it is okay to reply to her if she contacts the OW. So she can be told the truth. And still be hurt. Ugh! How confusing...

 

It's been a month since the email. Should I give a bit more time. Maybe hearts need to catch up with heads. Suppose it pushes him more in mc sessions to come forward (heck! maybe he has told the truth by now)... and gives her more time to put her marriage into perspective by thinking. Rehab/recovery may help her face up to much of what has happened and how she is dealing with it. Being clean can bring back the rational side of you...she may build confidence, security, and self respect to see more clearly. She was clearly dependent on him as he felt totally responsible for her. My divorce will be nearly be final then as well so custody issues would be resolved.

She HAS to know cheating is cheating though...like GEL said...you feel it in your heart.

I don't want her to blame herself (alcoholism) for what he did...we did.

I'm really beginning to hate myself. And I am hurting too. I know. I deserve it.

[fooled once]

I know that she specifically asked.

 

And I still think that the OP should remain silent. She assumes a huge amount of personal risk by PUTTING IN WRITING anything to the BS. Or even talking to her.

 

And sorry I've been through a D and I know what the stakes are especially when you are talking about possible losing your babies.

 

She made a bad choice getting involved with a MP when she was married. But that does REQUIRE her throwing her own interests to the wind to rectify.

 

The BS can find another way to decide on whether she wants to stay M. In fact lots of BS's won't even believe what they hear from the OW. If they meet in person they want to size them up and make comparisons. And then out to the world.

 

My best advice based on the circumstances is to stay quiet, stay out of the M and look after her own best interests.

 

GEL

 

How exactly can she lose custody of her kids? By screwing a married man? Not in any US state that I am aware of. You don't lose custody because you had an affair. You lose custody by being a crappy parent.

 

Here's my view and the last I have to say about it. As much as I would like to contact the BS to clear my conscience, she has not contacted me, so therefore, it is not my place to inject myself into her life. Do I think she should know her H betrayed her for a lot of years? Yes. But my relationship with the WS is over, and if I wasn't willing to come clean during the A, it seems hypocritical for me to do so now. After all, me doing so would really be for my benefit, to clear my conscience.

 

However, if at any time she were to contact me, I would certainly give her the truth. Since she has asked that of me, it is my place to give her the truth, and be willing to accept whatever consequence comes my way. Because telling her the truth in this case is for her benefit, not mine. If she chose to spin whatever I said, that would be her perogative, and part of the consequences I must face. But it is not for me to withold information she has asked for just to save my own ass.

 

The OP has to decide what's in her character and act accordingly.

 

I completely agree.

 

I worked for one of the biggest law offices in my state for many years. I can tell you that having an affair is not grounds for losing your children. If you live in the US, and if you have not neglected, abandoned, or endangered the welfare of your children, you will not lose custody. Having an affair does not matter, as long as the children were being well-cared for by a responsible babysitter while you were out screwing around. This has been the standard for at least 30 years. Your stbx is just trying to bully you.

 

Have you talked to an attorney about the custody issue? If not, do that right away.

 

Exactly.

 

I will add. He is someone I once knew. That had great character. I never would have thought any of this would have happened. He became my best friend again first and foremost. I didn't "start" banging him. It didn't get physical until a year later

...minus the wedding band in pictures of them together...down to figuring his finances in order to divorce...budgeting living expenses after divorce...a life promised to me and my kids. You have no idea. Every day hearing someone you thought you knew promise you a lifetime. Looking you dead in the eye in the most intimate moments telling you they love you. That he always will. Never stop caring for him. Listening to details of his wife's binge drinking...or how she can financially ruin him if the divorce isn't done the "right way." It's hell to be stuck for the moment. I know b/c I was too. So I understood. And I opened my heart against everything I stood for...b/c he said it was okay. To have faith. To trust.

Don't judge my character as a role model. I have been living in a loveless marriage for years now... for my children. To give them a family unit. A dad in their lives 24/7. And financial security. I walked away from a very respectable profession years ago to raise them...educate them. To be at their beckon call as a mom would hope to be. I sacrificed adult conversations, a paycheck, nice things that most women enjoy treating themselves too... only to have your spouse not love or respect you. And the stbx is entire different story.

 

This is where you are wrong - many of us DO know, do understand. Been there, done that, have the tshirt and opened a store selling those tshirts.

 

Not sure why you gave up a profession you love -- you can be a parent AND work. Heck, many of us on here have been single moms - working full time and being full time custodial parents to kids whose father chose to NOT exercise visitation.

 

Being a good parent doesn't mean ending a career. It means providing the best you can for your kids, while showing them how to grow up, by being a good, honest role model. You threw away a profession because a married guy lied to you. Why would you want to be financially strapped to any person? I don't get that. Those are you kids, NOT his - he isn't responsible for them even HAD you two gotten together. He can make a choice to HELP you with raising them, but it isn't HIS responsibility to financially support your kids. That is on you and your ex.

 

But back to the topic, I think I would answer her questions - I would tell her the truth - you don't owe him any loyalty (since obviously he had none to you). I would just tell her you were involved with him from xx date to xx date and you were under the impression, since he TOLD you, that the marriage was ending and he wanted to spend his future with you. You don't have to get into details. But she is choosing to recover her marriage and since we know her husband is a liar and a cheat, she is looking to find out the truth. Like you said, he lied to her about your involvement. How is it fair that HER future gets decided by you and her H since no one is telling her the truth.

 

And anything you heard from him regarding his marriage --- take it with a grain of salt. Drinking issue? Yeah, unless you heard it from HER lips or witnessed it from her - don't believe it. The state of their marriage PRIOR to you sleeping with HER husband... whatever he said, remember he was wanting to be with you, he isn't going to tell you they had a fantastic marriage and loved each other dearly. He needed to play on your sympathy and most men know how to do that by playing the "my wife is a meanie" card.

 

ALL marriages have ups and down. NO marriage is perfect. Many MM love to at times exaggerate how the marriage is. The only ones who know the truth in the marriage are the parties involved, and also remember, every story has 3 sides ---- his, hers and the truth.

[califnan]

 

I'm really beginning to hate myself. And I am hurting too. I know. I deserve it.

 

------------------------

 

Please don't hate yourself.. You didn't entice him to the point of leaving her and marrying you .. It's in the past, and you walked away from it .. Feel free .. and as the whole complete woman - that you are..

[califnan]

How exactly can she lose custody of her kids? By screwing a married man? Not in any US state that I am aware of. You don't lose custody because you had an affair. You lose custody by being a crappy parent.

 

Not sure why you gave up a profession you love -- you can be a parent AND work. Heck, many of us on here have been single moms - working full time and being full time custodial parents to kids whose father chose to NOT exercise visitation.

 

Being a good parent doesn't mean ending a career. It means providing the best you can for your kids, while showing them how to grow up, by being a good, honest role model. You threw away a profession because a married guy lied to you. Why would you want to be financially strapped to any person? I don't get that. Those are you kids, NOT his - he isn't responsible for them even HAD you two gotten together. He can make a choice to HELP you with raising them, but it isn't HIS responsibility to financially support your kids. That is on you and your ex.

 

But back to the topic, I think I would answer her questions - I would tell her the truth - you don't owe him any loyalty (since obviously he had none to you). I would just tell her you were involved with him from xx date to xx date and you were under the impression, since he TOLD you, that the marriage was ending and he wanted to spend his future with you. You don't have to get into details. But she is choosing to recover her marriage and since we know her husband is a liar and a cheat, she is looking to find out the truth. Like you said, he lied to her about your involvement. How is it fair that HER future gets decided by you and her H since no one is telling her the truth.

 

And anything you heard from him regarding his marriage --- take it with a grain of salt. Drinking issue? Yeah, unless you heard it from HER lips or witnessed it from her - don't believe it. The state of their marriage PRIOR to you sleeping with HER husband... whatever he said, remember he was wanting to be with you, he isn't going to tell you they had a fantastic marriage and loved each other dearly. He needed to play on your sympathy and most men know how to do that by playing the "my wife is a meanie" card.

 

ALL marriages have ups and down. NO marriage is perfect. Many MM love to at times exaggerate how the marriage is. The only ones who know the truth in the marriage are the parties involved, and also remember, every story has 3 sides ---- his, hers and the truth.

 

----------------------

 

In agreement ..

[shabookittie]

How exactly can she lose custody of her kids? By screwing a married man? Not in any US state that I am aware of. You don't lose custody because you had an affair. You lose custody by being a crappy parent.

 

 

 

I completely agree.

 

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

 

This is where you are wrong - many of us DO know, do understand. Been there, done that, have the tshirt and opened a store selling those tshirts.

 

Not sure why you gave up a profession you love -- you can be a parent AND work. Heck, many of us on here have been single moms - working full time and being full time custodial parents to kids whose father chose to NOT exercise visitation.

 

Being a good parent doesn't mean ending a career. It means providing the best you can for your kids, while showing them how to grow up, by being a good, honest role model. You threw away a profession because a married guy lied to you. Why would you want to be financially strapped to any person? I don't get that. Those are you kids, NOT his - he isn't responsible for them even HAD you two gotten together. He can make a choice to HELP you with raising them, but it isn't HIS responsibility to financially support your kids. That is on you and your ex.

 

But back to the topic, I think I would answer her questions - I would tell her the truth - you don't owe him any loyalty (since obviously he had none to you). I would just tell her you were involved with him from xx date to xx date and you were under the impression, since he TOLD you, that the marriage was ending and he wanted to spend his future with you. You don't have to get into details. But she is choosing to recover her marriage and since we know her husband is a liar and a cheat, she is looking to find out the truth. Like you said, he lied to her about your involvement. How is it fair that HER future gets decided by you and her H since no one is telling her the truth.

 

And anything you heard from him regarding his marriage --- take it with a grain of salt. Drinking issue? Yeah, unless you heard it from HER lips or witnessed it from her - don't believe it. The state of their marriage PRIOR to you sleeping with HER husband... whatever he said, remember he was wanting to be with you, he isn't going to tell you they had a fantastic marriage and loved each other dearly. He needed to play on your sympathy and most men know how to do that by playing the "my wife is a meanie" card.

 

ALL marriages have ups and down. NO marriage is perfect. Many MM love to at times exaggerate how the marriage is. The only ones who know the truth in the marriage are the parties involved, and also remember, every story has 3 sides ---- his, hers and the truth.

 

I actually left my profession prior to this mess. Six years ago. MM wasn't anywhere in the picture. My H and I decided to take the cut in pay to avoid daycare the cost and situation. The kids will be starting school this year. So I am off to work again. But in a new profession. I am currently seperated from H. We have been for well over a year now. That is an entire long story. We live under the same roof...but we have different rooms. We are like two ships passing in the night. Sad. We do manage to come together for the kids sake. But it soley plutonic. I am financially strapped to him b/c I have had a helluva time finding a job. My city is small. My old profession was based on a yearly contract. And budget cuts have left no window of opportunity there. So I am embarking on a new me. A new career. Divorce is costly. But inevitable for us. My husband would live the rest of his life like we live now to be with the kids. He said so. He is a manipulator. He spends more time filling my head full of threats to keep me here...for the kids sake.

Yes. She does have a drinking problem. I have seen it. Full fledged. I was hesitant in the beginning to believe him until I witnessed it with my own eyes. When we first began talking, he dropped little hints about it. But not wanting to go into detail. Blowing it off when I wanted details. After I witnessed it (before our affair)...her cover was blown I guess. In time her habit progressed. And became more troublesome for him.

[shabookittie]

------------------------

 

Please don't hate yourself.. You didn't entice him to the point of leaving her and marrying you .. It's in the past, and you walked away from it .. Feel free .. and as the whole complete woman - that you are..

 

((thank you)) lesson learned...

Honestly. My mouth dropped. I really felt I knew him. We had a past friendship together. The love. The promises. He even knows my family! He wanted to be in their good graces after his divorce. He said he would earn their respect. And show them how happy he could make me.

My first feeling of complete and utter loss of trust. A pure naked feeling like none other. No comparison to what she is feeling though...

 

You are right. I keep reminding myself. I am free. Start over. It's the past. Don't look back. But that damn email just hovers.

[califnan]

Shabookittie, Her drinking problem doesn't have anything to do with you .. It is within their sealed marriage.. If he doesn't like it he can leave before having an affair and involving others.. An OW can always find problems with the W .. and I don't mean that towards you - I mean that toward all of us..

 

While you are living with you H .. Take the opportunity to get any classes in that may advance your status/pay.

 

Circulate your resume on-line and also as you pop in to different companies .. If they don't have an opening .. this will give them the opportunity to think about it - and with your contact info.. A lot can be accomplished on foot.. and keep searching for opportunities on-line..

[fooled once]

I actually left my profession prior to this mess. Six years ago. MM wasn't anywhere in the picture. My H and I decided to take the cut in pay to avoid daycare the cost and situation. The kids will be starting school this year. So I am off to work again. But in a new profession. I am currently seperated from H. We have been for well over a year now. That is an entire long story. We live under the same roof...but we have different rooms. We are like two ships passing in the night. Sad. We do manage to come together for the kids sake. But it soley plutonic. I am financially strapped to him b/c I have had a helluva time finding a job. My city is small. My old profession was based on a yearly contract. And budget cuts have left no window of opportunity there. So I am embarking on a new me. A new career. Divorce is costly. But inevitable for us. My husband would live the rest of his life like we live now to be with the kids. He said so. He is a manipulator. He spends more time filling my head full of threats to keep me here...for the kids sake.

Yes. She does have a drinking problem. I have seen it. Full fledged. I was hesitant in the beginning to believe him until I witnessed it with my own eyes. When we first began talking, he dropped little hints about it. But not wanting to go into detail. Blowing it off when I wanted details. After I witnessed it (before our affair)...her cover was blown I guess. In time her habit progressed. And became more troublesome for him.

 

My last comments are .... just because a person drinks does not mean they have a problem. I lived with an alcoholic for 9 years - I know what it looks like. If you base a drinking problem on seeing someone get drunk on the weekend, then most young adults have problems. She may well have a problem...and it could stem from being married to him Honestly, he could be beating her behind closed doors, he could be mentally abusing her, etc. Just be careful not to form judgments on her too quick, not knowing all the details.

 

I do realize how costly a divorce can be with a child -- I went through it myself. But I also chose to NOT spend my life tethered to someone I didn't love so I made many decisions that put me in a real financial bind but in the end, I got my ex out of my home and my life. It was worth being dirt poor for many years

 

Good luck

[linwood]

 

the one who can provide that info is OP. i think it's best that telling the W is now the right thing to do. give her the peace of mind she's been asking for.

 

The OP owes nothing to the BS.

She`s most definitely not responsible for her "Peace of mind".

 

The right thing to do is what is best for the OP.

 

Ignore the e-mail and move on.

Edited July 11, 2010 by linwood

[2sunny]

The OP owes nothing to the BS.

She`s most definitely not responsible for her "Peace of mind".

 

The right thing to do is what is best for the OP.

 

Ignore the e-mail and move on.

 

i was referring to the OP's peace of mind - since this email seems to be eating away at her and nagging at her still weeks later. the OP's peace of mind... i'm here to help with the OP.

 

i don't presume to understand what the BS wants with the info she has requested...