BS emailing OW about affair

[GreenEyedLady]

Oh, I get it. Your loyalty remains with the liar during and after the affair.

 

My loyalty remains to myself and my values.

 

Sorry if you see it differently.

 

I'm surprised at you today. I'm wondering if there's something wrong?

 

GEL

[Fallen Angel]

by not speaking (or typing) YOUR truth to his W - you are feeding into the lie. lying by omission is still lying.

 

she has asked - she wants to know the truth. you have an obligation to give it to her... YOUR experience with her H.

 

since he told you he loved you - intended to be with you - had sex with you... and SHE wants to know - you need to allow her to understand what her H is unwilling to say. then SHE can make her own decisions for HERSELF.

 

since she's asking for your truth - i would give her that peace of mind that she's searching for.

 

Personally, if it were me, I would talk to her. But I am curious Sunny, why you think she is obligated to do so?

[Spark1111]

Here's my view and the last I have to say about it. As much as I would like to contact the BS to clear my conscience, she has not contacted me, so therefore, it is not my place to inject myself into her life. Do I think she should know her H betrayed her for a lot of years? Yes. But my relationship with the WS is over, and if I wasn't willing to come clean during the A, it seems hypocritical for me to do so now. After all, me doing so would really be for my benefit, to clear my conscience.

 

However, if at any time she were to contact me, I would certainly give her the truth. Since she has asked that of me, it is my place to give her the truth, and be willing to accept whatever consequence comes my way. Because telling her the truth in this case is for her benefit, not mine. If she chose to spin whatever I said, that would be her perogative, and part of the consequences I must face. But it is not for me to withold information she has asked for just to save my own ass.

 

The OP has to decide what's in her character and act accordingly.

 

Jthorne, I would hope this would be true.....but it is not often the case.

 

GEL, you wound up with your AP. You both dissolved your marriages to be together and blended your families, had a baby and are now building a new relationship.

 

Not only does that scenario take a lot of honesty, it takes hard work, perseverence, and OWNING your choices. You and he took the high road, eventually, and are creating a future together.

 

I am a fBS....and if I could tell you the craziness that existed after DDAY, when I thought I was losing my mind, when he continued to minimize the affair and YOU, the OW, when all of a sudden everything was clicking into place, all the deceptions and lies and no one was OWNING any of it; but he was begging to come home and throwing YOU under a bus; and I didn't believe any of it, not him minimizing YOU; while begging both YOU and ME to stay in the picture; lying to us both then.....(sorry, I'm ranting here...)

 

If you have never experienced this trauma, this craziness, when you doubt your life, you sanity and the world as you knew it.....

 

You cannot understand, nor should you dismiss out of hand, a BS contacting you. It is an attempt to get someone, anyone to tell us the truth.....especially as we may have the man or woman we have loved still lying to our face.

 

You have no idea what this is like....

 

OWN your choices. Call her back. Take the high road. Please. You cannot predict the outcome of what may happen with the information you provide. But you will never regret having the integrity of taking the high road. Period.

[Fallen Angel]

tell me GEL - is this the ideal YOU would want - hypothetically, if your H had cheated on you and wouldn't reveal the truth to you?

 

if you KNEW you needed the truth - wouldn't you want his OW to provide you with some peace of mind in order to make a decision based on what ACTUALLY happened - rather than sit and wonder what may or may not have happened. meanwhile spending 10-20-30 more years with said man - always wondering what happened... EVERY day for the rest of your life?

 

what would YOU actually want GEL - IF that BS were you...

 

If he is unwilling to give you the truth, then you already have all the answers you need, right? Why would you need to talk to his OW at that point?

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, you wound up with your AP. You both dissolved your marriages to be together and blended your families, had a baby and are now building a new relationship.

 

No this is incorrect.

 

I divorced my H prior to even meeting my now H. (My XH in fact betrayed me, but that is a WAAAAYYY different story and I was leaving no matter what, I didn't find that out til later (long, weird story.)

 

We don't have a baby together. We can't.

 

We are building a new R together though and we did blend our family together.

 

I however, would never cheat on my spouse. I'd just leave.

 

GEL

[BB07]

Jthorne, I would hope this would be true.....but it is not often the case.

 

GEL, you wound up with your AP. You both dissolved your marriages to be together and blended your families, had a baby and are now building a new relationship.

 

Not only does that scenario take a lot of honesty, it takes hard work, perseverence, and OWNING your choices. You and he took the high road, eventually, and are creating a future together.

 

I am a fBS....and if I could tell you the craziness that existed after DDAY, when I thought I was losing my mind, when he continued to minimize the affair and YOU, the OW, when all of a sudden everything was clicking into place, all the deceptions and lies and no one was OWNING any of it; but he was begging to come home and throwing YOU under a bus; and I didn't believe any of it, not him minimizing YOU; while begging both YOU and ME to stay in the picture; lying to us both then.....(sorry, I'm ranting here...)

 

If you have never experienced this trauma, this craziness, when you doubt your life, you sanity and the world as you knew it.....

 

You cannot understand, nor should you dismiss out of hand, a BS contacting you. It is an attempt to get someone, anyone to tell us the truth.....especially as we may have the man or woman we have loved still lying to our face.

 

You have no idea what this is like....

 

OWN your choices. Call her back. Take the high road. Please. You cannot predict the outcome of what may happen with the information you provide. But you will never regret having the integrity of taking the high road. Period.

 

For those of you who are familiar with my recent saga, I can say I now know how Spark felt and other BS's feel about just wanting the truth. The sorry sack of **** MM in my case has lied to his BS for 9 months and it has just about drove her out of her mind. She has thanked me many times for telling her what she so desperately needed to know, even if I'm part of the reason for her pain, she still appreciates that I've been honest about it all.

I don't want to give out TMI out of respect for her, but I saw it, felt it, heard it as in what she was going through and how it is hurting her and it breaks my heart to know that I'm part of the reason why another woman is going through this.

 

I say tell her........if she asks. That is the least you can do. Help her if you can.

[GreenEyedLady]

I say tell her........if she asks. That is the least you can do. Help her if you can.

 

So basically you are telling the OP to risk losing custody of her children.

 

Does everyone here realize that?

 

This is not just a case of tell the BS. The OP's custody is at risk.

 

Or don't you care? She is the OW so we don't care about her retaining custody of her children?

 

That is what I am saying.

 

GEL

[Secure]

For those of you who are familiar with my recent saga, I can say I now know how Spark felt and other BS's feel about just wanting the truth. The sorry sack of **** MM in my case has lied to his BS for 9 months and it has just about drove her out of her mind. She has thanked me many times for telling her what she so desperately needed to know, even if I'm part of the reason for her pain, she still appreciates that I've been honest about it all.

I don't want to give out TMI out of respect for her, but I saw it, felt it, heard it as in what she was going through and how it is hurting her and it breaks my heart to know that I'm part of the reason why another woman is going through this.

 

I say tell her........if she asks. That is the least you can do. Help her if you can.

 

Guess it depends on the person. I stopped talking to BS after she continually blamed me for everything and did not appreciate my info. She was doubtful of everything I said so what was the purpose? Why keep calling me? I'm so glad all of the drama is over. You will never catch me dead in this type of situation ever again.

[califnan]

Absolutely it is/was three way when you have had a relationship with someone's husband.. The OW has a Responsibility to tell the BS if she asks ..

[shabookittie]

Do you realize how hypocritical this post is? How self-serving? You had no problem being a 3rd party in their marriage when you were banging her husband, but now that the BS has asked for the truth, you say 3's a crowd and you don't want to hurt her? Do you see how this doesn't make sense? You had no problem hurting her before, so why now the crisis of conscience?

 

I want to clarify that I am far from being hypocritical. When she decided that she wanted to save their marriage I bowed out...completely as she wished. She knows that he has cheated in some form. Three is a crowd when you pledge your power in saving a marriage. And I said nothing about clearing my conscience. I frankly wanted to know if they were really divorcing... as his entire world seemingly revolved around it. I am not trying cleanse myself by contacting her. Ultimately, I was wrong and she will always feel hurt by this. This man was a friend I once knew and he had great character. I had no idea it would end this way. He professed leaving...down to the paint on the walls of his new place...a week before. Cliche as it may sound.

[Fallen Angel]

So basically you are telling the OP to risk losing custody of her children.

 

Does everyone here realize that?

 

This is not just a case of tell the BS. The OP's custody is at risk.

 

Or don't you care? She is the OW so we don't care about her retaining custody of her children?

 

That is what I am saying.

 

GEL

 

That is because they all feel she "owes" it to the BS. Of course, none of those same people feel that the WS owes the OP anything at the end of the relationship, as was proven in a previous thread. *I am so confused by the constant duality of thought* :confused:

[Fallen Angel]

Absolutely it is/was three way when you have had a relationship with someone's husband.. The OW has a Responsibility to tell the BS if she asks ..

 

Why? Why does she have a "responsibility"? How so?

 

What makes her obligated? Because you think that she should tell?

 

She is in no way OBLIGATED! She has no RESPONSIBILITY.

[GreenEyedLady]

*I am so confused by the constant duality of thought* :confused:

 

Me too.

 

And I am technically a reformed OW?

 

Maybe not?

 

If nothing else, at least I'm consistent. I don't think anyone "owes" anything to anyone else, you owe it to yourself. And I don't think it's selfish to consider your children's plight over someone else's "right."

 

GEL

[shabookittie]

i disagree.

 

she knew what the risks were when she started - and decided to still participate. now it's time to do the right thing and be honest.

 

 

IF she's being a decent Mother to her children - she won't lose her babies. a D doesn't necessarily mean you lose your children. every parent has certain rights that give the opportunity for time spent with their kids. two separate issues completely.

 

the best interest for ANY person in life is to tell their own truth. his W asked - and she now owes this to his W. looking out for her own best interest is backwards. OP chose to participate as a 3rd party in the M... she should OWN her actions - tell her truth - and stay out of it all at that point.

 

when she tells her truth - she will be able to have some peace of mind restored... and i'm referring to both women in this scenario. i wouldn't normally recommend this - except that his W has requested the info she knows is needed and understands she isn't going to get it from her H.

 

be kind and loving when giving the info that you know will hurt her. that is a good amends for the harm that was created. that is a great place to start.

 

ahhh but sunny2...possibly losing custody of two innocent little hearts that depend on their mama for every ounce of their being is not a risk I take lightly before a judge...a stranger that has only known me an hour of his very life. I am not a bad mom. My stbx says I am the best of the best. I have never neglected them to see MM. My stbx blames MM for ruining our marriage. Which is far from the truth. Stbx refuses to accept his part in the dissolution of our marriage which is why our marriage can't be saved. At the beginning of our seperation, stbx says he copied months of our ims...which he will use as ammo in custody. It was an early phase in MM and our relationship so if it is at all true it can't be much that he has. But stbx has that mindset. So I don't really know what he is sitting on.

[califnan]

Why? Why does she have a "responsibility"? How so?

 

What makes her obligated? Because you think that she should tell?

 

She is in no way OBLIGATED! She has no RESPONSIBILITY.

 

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Most LS members feel that nothing should be volunteered to the BS if she doesn't ask.

 

BUT if she asks, I would think it is a matter of decency to answer her. Responsibility to ourselves goes a Lot further than protecting ourselves.. If we have participated in sinning against someone - I would think the responsibility would be there to give her the answer of truth, that she is seeking ..

[Fallen Angel]

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Most LS members feel that nothing should be volunteered to the BS if she doesn't ask.

 

BUT if she asks, I would think it is a matter of decency to answer her. Responsibility to ourselves goes a Lot further than protecting ourselves.. If we have participated in sinning against someone - I would think the responsibility would be there to give her the answer of truth, that she is seeking ..

 

Based upon your spiritual beliefs, that is what would be right for you. However, not everyone shares your belief in the religious dogma you teach. So what is "right" for you, is not right for others. You can not impose an obligation on her where it does not exist simply by virtue of you wanting to.

[califnan]

by not speaking (or typing) YOUR truth to his W - you are feeding into the lie. lying by omission is still lying.

 

she has asked - she wants to know the truth. you have an obligation to give it to her... YOUR experience with her H.

 

since he told you he loved you - intended to be with you - had sex with you... and SHE wants to know - you need to allow her to understand what her H is unwilling to say. then SHE can make her own decisions for HERSELF.

 

since she's asking for your truth - i would give her that peace of mind that she's searching for.

 

-----------------------

 

Well said, Sunny ..

[califnan]

 

IF she's being a decent Mother to her children - she won't lose her babies. a D doesn't necessarily mean you lose your children. every parent has certain rights that give the opportunity for time spent with their kids. two separate issues completely.

 

QUOTE]

 

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Agreed again ..

 

And if the fear of losing the children is not just an excuse for not talking to the BS ... Then for sure, women with under age children should not be in affairs..

[califnan]

Based upon your spiritual beliefs, that is what would be right for you. However, not everyone shares your belief in the religious dogma you teach. So what is "right" for you, is not right for others. You can not impose an obligation on her where it does not exist simply by virtue of you wanting to.

 

-----------------------

 

There are others on here who believe in righteousness and truth who share my opinion while not sharing "religious dogma" .. It's called decency to answer a person you have wronged.. a person who could be lost and searching ..

[Fallen Angel]

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There are others on here who believe in righteousness and truth who share my opinion while not sharing "religious dogma" .. It's called decency to answer a person you have wronged.. a person who could be lost and searching ..

 

Perhaps it is "decent" but I again say, there is no obligation to do so, so why do you insist on implying that there is?

[shabookittie]

Thanks for all of your replies...and honestly I see all of your points. With good intentions.

GEL you "think" so much like me. The sensible me when I am not drowning. This is really like an intense game of chess except everyone stands a sad chance at losing. I honestly can't afford to have bs forward an email that I have written on over to my stbx. Nor can I afford stbx to possibly subpeona MM. In a perfect world it would be great to sit across from her and chat. Laying all the cards out on the table. But in reality, she wants to rip my head off. It's only been a month. She blames me. And who's to say the M isn't going to deny what I have to say. He will voice that I am just revengeful. It's all vicious.

And last, this is not at ALL about me. And my conscience. This will NEVER go away in my mind folks.

He made vows to her. He made the choice. I have to agree with GEL...cheating is cheating. She knows he was emotionally involved with me for over a year. But, he didn't disclose details of the entire affair. But, why would confirmation from OW resolve anything? Is there a less form of cheating that is forgiveable?

Edited July 11, 2010 by shabookittie

[BB07]

So basically you are telling the OP to risk losing custody of her children.

 

Does everyone here realize that?

 

This is not just a case of tell the BS. The OP's custody is at risk.

 

Or don't you care? She is the OW so we don't care about her retaining custody of her children?

 

That is what I am saying.

 

GEL

 

If there is a REAL danger of her losing custody, then NO. Children should come first........but otherwise, yes.

 

Guess I missed that part of the thread, I'm a little distracted lately.

[Secure]

---------------------

 

Most LS members feel that nothing should be volunteered to the BS if she doesn't ask.

 

BUT if she asks, I would think it is a matter of decency to answer her. Responsibility to ourselves goes a Lot further than protecting ourselves.. If we have participated in sinning against someone - I would think the responsibility would be there to give her the answer of truth, that she is seeking ..

 

 

Every situation is different. BS called me in the middle of the night stating she had questions for me because she wasn't "getting a word from him" and how he was just sitting there "looking" at her. At that point, I found it ridiculous and pitiful on her part to be contacting me, pouring out her anger on ME because HE would not talk to her at all. If she were calling to compare stories, then fine. If I were her and he was refusing to even talk to me, his ass would have been out.

[BB07]

Guess it depends on the person. I stopped talking to BS after she continually blamed me for everything and did not appreciate my info. She was doubtful of everything I said so what was the purpose? Why keep calling me? I'm so glad all of the drama is over. You will never catch me dead in this type of situation ever again.

 

 

It does depend on the people involved, but there isn't any way to know ahead of time, now is there? My xMM had me believing that the BS had threatened to kill him, would probably hurt me, etc. It could have been true........but it wasn't, in fact she is a wonderful woman who has been ****e on for years.

 

Of course xMM had painted me as the crazy druggie who had chased him, and she the BS thought I was the one he needed protecting from.

 

MM..........LIE!

[califnan]

Perhaps it is "decent" but I again say, there is no obligation to do so, so why do you insist on implying that there is?

 

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decency aside .. I was raised that if someone asks you a question, you give them the courtesy of an answer..