BS emailing OW about affair

[TinaniT]

This is neither here nor there regarding your question, but wanted to suggest you talk to your lawyer.

 

Where I am, affairs can affect alimony and distribution of assets but cannot affect child custody or child support. I know laws can be different but it might be that you are worrying about something that is not a possibility...

[shabookittie]

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Most LS members feel that nothing should be volunteered to the BS if she doesn't ask.

 

BUT if she asks, I would think it is a matter of decency to answer her. Responsibility to ourselves goes a Lot further than protecting ourselves.. If we have participated in sinning against someone - I would think the responsibility would be there to give her the answer of truth, that she is seeking ..

This seems more like freeing yourself from sin to make yourself feel moral. Sin is between God and the sinner imo. Admitting your send to God and asking for forgiveness in the most down on your knees kind of way is freeing...cleansing. But I see your point with responsibility. Although is it mine? Or essentially his?

[califnan]

Every situation is different. BS called me in the middle of the night stating she had questions for me because she wasn't "getting a word from him" and how he was just sitting there "looking" at her. At that point, I found it ridiculous and pitiful on her part to be contacting me, pouring out her anger on ME because HE would not talk to her at all. If she were calling to compare stories, then fine. If I were her and he was refusing to even talk to me, his ass would have been out.

 

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Yes. A reminder for you all again .. If you haven't read BB07's thread: "Have a got a story for you all" ..

[Secure]

Thanks for all of your replies...and honestly I see all of your points. With good intentions.

GEL you "think" so much like me. The sensible me when I am not drowning. This is really like an intense game of chess except everyone stands a sad chance at losing. I honestly can't afford to have bs forward an email that I have written on over to my stbx. Nor can I afford stbx to possibly subpeona MM. In a perfect world it would be great to sit across from her and chat. Laying all the cards out on the table. But in reality, she wants to rip my head off. It's only been a month. She blames me. And who's to say the M isn't going to deny what I have to say. He will voice that I am just revengeful. It's all vicious.

And last, this is not at ALL about me. And my conscience. This will NEVER go away in my mind folks.

He made vows to her. He made the choice. I have to agree with GEL...cheating is cheating. She knows he was emotionally involved with me for over a year. But, he didn't disclose details of the entire affair. But, why would confirmation from OW resolve anything? Is there a less form of cheating that is forgiveable?

 

She wants to make your life a living hell because she is unhappy. You had a part in making her life miserable. She could care less about what happens to you at this point. Yes, she wants to rip your head off. If she is blaming you for everything, she will believe EVERY word he has to say and you will always be the only liar and culprit in the situation. He will not disclose details and even if you or he did, nothing will change. Now in some instances the OW is not completely thrown under the bus which makes the anger of the BS even more outrageous.

[Fieldsofgold]

ahhh but sunny2...possibly losing custody of two innocent little hearts that depend on their mama for every ounce of their being is not a risk I take lightly before a judge...a stranger that has only known me an hour of his very life. I am not a bad mom. My stbx says I am the best of the best. I have never neglected them to see MM. My stbx blames MM for ruining our marriage. Which is far from the truth. Stbx refuses to accept his part in the dissolution of our marriage which is why our marriage can't be saved. At the beginning of our seperation, stbx says he copied months of our ims...which he will use as ammo in custody. It was an early phase in MM and our relationship so if it is at all true it can't be much that he has. But stbx has that mindset. So I don't really know what he is sitting on.

 

I worked for one of the biggest law offices in my state for many years. I can tell you that having an affair is not grounds for losing your children. If you live in the US, and if you have not neglected, abandoned, or endangered the welfare of your children, you will not lose custody. Having an affair does not matter, as long as the children were being well-cared for by a responsible babysitter while you were out screwing around. This has been the standard for at least 30 years. Your stbx is just trying to bully you.

 

Have you talked to an attorney about the custody issue? If not, do that right away.

[califnan]

This seems more like freeing yourself from sin to make yourself feel moral. Sin is between God and the sinner imo. Admitting your send to God and asking for forgiveness in the most down on your knees kind of way is freeing...cleansing. But I see your point with responsibility. Although is it mine? Or essentially his?

 

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Shabookittie, I thought it became your responsibility solely because she asked you ..

 

But I wouldn't put anything in writing .. If she really wishes to hear from you, choose a meeting..

[Fallen Angel]

I worked for one of the biggest law offices in my state for many years. I can tell you that having an affair is not grounds for losing your children. If you live in the US, and if you have not neglected, abandoned, or endangered the welfare of your children, you will not lose custody. Having an affair does not matter, as long as the children were being well-cared for by a responsible babysitter while you were out screwing around. This has been the standard for at least 30 years. Your stbx is just trying to bully you.

 

Have you talked to an attorney about the custody issue? If not, do that right away.

 

While adultery may not be the "cause" of losing custody, the courts can be manipulated in some pretty tricky ways. I am not going to T/J but lets just say that the bolded parts are simply NOT TRUE!!!

[Secure]

Why shouldn't she blame you? You do hold lots of blame for trying to reck her marraige. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one wronged, would you want to know all details? It's not ok to run around with a married man. It sounds to me like it's all about you. My guess is this is not the first time you have been intimate with a married man.

 

Are you serious??????? Both affair partners are to blame. The ultimate blame lies on the WS. You sound as if the woman hypnotized him into an affair. When it boils down to it, the BS is still going to believe the spouse over the OW. She should protect herself, should she give up all of her concerns for them? How could you be so judgmental about what she has done in the past? Geez

[Fieldsofgold]

While adultery may not be the "cause" of losing custody, the courts can be manipulated in some pretty tricky ways. I am not going to T/J but lets just say that the bolded parts are simply NOT TRUE!!!

 

Let's just say that anyone worried about losing custody of their children should talk to an attorney immediately; that should be the first and foremost concern.

[Fallen Angel]

Let's just say that anyone worried about losing custody of their children should talk to an attorney immediately; that should be the first and foremost concern.

 

I agree! (ten characters required)

[Fieldsofgold]

Personally, if it were me, I would talk to her.

 

Well, now I'm curious. Why would you talk to her? (I have not read all the posts, so my apologies if you have already answered this question.)

[Fallen Angel]

Well, now I'm curious. Why would you talk to her? (I have not read all the posts, so my apologies if you have already answered this question.)

 

I would talk to her because it is my nature to do so. I am terribly honest, sometimes to a fault.

(though for those who will jump all over this, yes, I have had occasion to lie before in my life, and I am sure I will again at some point. )

 

I also am not ashamed of who I am, or what I do. I have always told my sweetheart that if she contacts me, I will answer her questions (to a point. I mean some things *like intimate deatils of our sex life* are off limits). I have told my sweetheart that I will not lie for him, nor myself. *shrug* I am just not built that way.

[GreenEyedLady]

Agreed again ..

 

And if the fear of losing the children is not just an excuse for not talking to the BS ... Then for sure, women with under age children should not be in affairs..

 

:rolleyes:

 

Hmm, where I live EVERYONE has unalienable rights and guess what?!

 

ONE IS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

 

Chew on that.

 

GEL

[shabookittie]

This is a tough one to answer. You knew he was married before you started "banging" him, so you had to know someone would get hurt. I get the impression you may actually want her to know all details so that maybe she will leave him and he run to you.

 

I'm afraid he doesn' want you. If he did he would have left his w for you. Leave it alone and move on to unmarried men. You have children and worry about a custody thing? Some role model you must be!!

 

I will add. He is someone I once knew. That had great character. I never would have thought any of this would have happened. He became my best friend again first and foremost. I didn't "start" banging him. It didn't get physical until a year later

...minus the wedding band in pictures of them together...down to figuring his finances in order to divorce...budgeting living expenses after divorce...a life promised to me and my kids. You have no idea. Every day hearing someone you thought you knew promise you a lifetime. Looking you dead in the eye in the most intimate moments telling you they love you. That he always will. Never stop caring for him. Listening to details of his wife's binge drinking...or how she can financially ruin him if the divorce isn't done the "right way." It's hell to be stuck for the moment. I know b/c I was too. So I understood. And I opened my heart against everything I stood for...b/c he said it was okay. To have faith. To trust.

Don't judge my character as a role model. I have been living in a loveless marriage for years now... for my children. To give them a family unit. A dad in their lives 24/7. And financial security. I walked away from a very respectable profession years ago to raise them...educate them. To be at their beckon call as a mom would hope to be. I sacrificed adult conversations, a paycheck, nice things that most women enjoy treating themselves too... only to have your spouse not love or respect you. And the stbx is entire different story.

[shabookittie]

You know what I would do if I thought my H was cheating on me?

 

I'd throw his s*** out on the lawn.

 

If I THINK he's cheating on me, he IS.

 

I don't need proof. I don't need his piece of a** telling me a thing. Because I'd know it in my heart.

 

And that woman wouldn't have a place in my M or in my thoughts. My beef would be with my H.

 

It is absolutely crazy to think that someone who loves another person would throw them under the bus.

 

OF COURSE THEY WOULD LIE!

 

And in the vast realm of things that would actually happen and the OP told the truth, I wouldn't believe them. Because people slant stories to put them in a favorable light. There's his version, her version and the truth. And I'm not placing the fate of my M on someone who would sleep with my H!!!

 

I mean please. I've been on both sides. We all know what's going on. We might want to ignore for a while until we can handle the truth, but we KNOW.

 

And I'd be damned if I'd give an OW the satisfaction of knowing my H wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know.

 

GEL

 

You couldn't have said it any better GEL...

[2sunny]

She wants to make your life a living hell because she is unhappy. You had a part in making her life miserable. She could care less about what happens to you at this point. Yes, she wants to rip your head off. If she is blaming you for everything, she will believe EVERY word he has to say and you will always be the only liar and culprit in the situation. He will not disclose details and even if you or he did, nothing will change. Now in some instances the OW is not completely thrown under the bus which makes the anger of the BS even more outrageous.

 

this is SO many enormous assumptions! no one is to presume to know if the BS even intends to do anything with the information she intends to gather.

 

please don't jump to conclusions that all BS intend to get nasty with the truth they learn.

[turnstone]

You know what I would do if I thought my H was cheating on me?

 

I'd throw his s*** out on the lawn.

 

If I THINK he's cheating on me, he IS.

 

I don't need proof. I don't need his piece of a** telling me a thing. Because I'd know it in my heart.

 

And that woman wouldn't have a place in my M or in my thoughts. My beef would be with my H.

 

It is absolutely crazy to think that someone who loves another person would throw them under the bus.

 

OF COURSE THEY WOULD LIE!

 

And in the vast realm of things that would actually happen and the OP told the truth, I wouldn't believe them. Because people slant stories to put them in a favorable light. There's his version, her version and the truth. And I'm not placing the fate of my M on someone who would sleep with my H!!!

 

I mean please. I've been on both sides. We all know what's going on. We might want to ignore for a while until we can handle the truth, but we KNOW.

 

And I'd be damned if I'd give an OW the satisfaction of knowing my H wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know.

 

GEL

 

This, this, this, this.

 

I'm an ex BS (I left my husband shortly after the DDay) and I know I didn't need to hear diddly from the OWomen to know I wanted nothing more to do with him.

 

Besides which I'm not putting the fate, even part of it, of my marriage, my home, my health on the word of someone who's prepared to sleep with a married man. And yeah, I'd also be damned to give an OW that power over me.

 

Keep quiet OP and look after your kids. Oh, and get a sexual health check if you haven't already.

[Fieldsofgold]

I would talk to her because it is my nature to do so. I am terribly honest, sometimes to a fault.

(though for those who will jump all over this, yes, I have had occasion to lie before in my life, and I am sure I will again at some point. )

 

I also am not ashamed of who I am, or what I do. I have always told my sweetheart that if she contacts me, I will answer her questions (to a point. I mean some things *like intimate deatils of our sex life* are off limits). I have told my sweetheart that I will not lie for him, nor myself. *shrug* I am just not built that way.

 

I would talk to her, too. It's my nature, too. I am a person who owns up to what I have done. And I don't lie to cover for other people.

 

Besides all that, my experience as a BS would prompt me to. When I married, I vowed (to myself) to trust him and believe him unless there was proof to the contrary. (OK, I was young, naive, and very much in love.) He lied and gaslighted me til I nearly lost my mind. I knew circumstances looked bad, but I had vowed to honor him with my trust, and I kept my word. I would have given anything for someone to confirm or deny his stories. It would have saved me months of grief and emotional torture.

 

So yes, I would always tell.

[shabookittie]

Originally Posted by cybermom1

Why shouldn't she blame you? You do hold lots of blame for trying to reck her marraige. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one wronged, would you want to know all details? It's not ok to run around with a married man. It sounds to me like it's all about you. My guess is this is not the first time you have been intimate with a married man.

Wrong again. It is the first. And the last.

And no to wanting details...cheating alone says enough. I wouldn't trust what either party had to say really. Just my personal opinion. I didn't ride in and "try" to wreck her marriage...the marriage was already wrecked by them both. He said they were both done. You seem to really "feel" for this MM. You fail to see that he is even apart of any of this. You are quick to crucify me. You act as if I went out "looking" for MM to prey on. I never implied that being with a MM is okay...but you have to remember he made the vows in front of God and everyone else...forsaking all others. If it weren't "me" that were in this mix it would have probably been some other woman. I know I am not blameless. It just happened over a long period of time. Gradual.

[2sunny]

I will add. He is someone I once knew. That had great character. I never would have thought any of this would have happened. He became my best friend again first and foremost. I didn't "start" banging him. It didn't get physical until a year later

...minus the wedding band in pictures of them together...down to figuring his finances in order to divorce...budgeting living expenses after divorce...a life promised to me and my kids. You have no idea. Every day hearing someone you thought you knew promise you a lifetime. Looking you dead in the eye in the most intimate moments telling you they love you. That he always will. Never stop caring for him. Listening to details of his wife's binge drinking...or how she can financially ruin him if the divorce isn't done the "right way." It's hell to be stuck for the moment. I know b/c I was too. So I understood. And I opened my heart against everything I stood for...b/c he said it was okay. To have faith. To trust.

Don't judge my character as a role model. I have been living in a loveless marriage for years now... for my children. To give them a family unit. A dad in their lives 24/7. And financial security. I walked away from a very respectable profession years ago to raise them...educate them. To be at their beckon call as a mom would hope to be. I sacrificed adult conversations, a paycheck, nice things that most women enjoy treating themselves too... only to have your spouse not love or respect you. And the stbx is entire different story.

 

this is still beside the point that you chose to participate in their M by having an A with her H.

 

IF you thought you wanted him - you could have chosen proper order. give time for both of you to get your divorces FINALIZED. then see if dating worked for both of you.

 

since you participated where you had no business being involved - i think it's important to own what behavior you did while you were involved.

 

learn from your past experiences... MM lie to get you to do what they want you to do. YOU have a choice in that matter. to participate in that arena causes pain for those involved... any way it works out - some will be hurt. that's a given. i'm sorry it's you.

[califnan]

:rolleyes:

 

Hmm, where I live EVERYONE has unalienable rights and guess what?!

 

ONE IS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

 

Chew on that.

 

GEL

 

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I was talking about an individual who would answer someone's question out of decency, courtesy .. Not a law that was made for suspects..

[2sunny]

Originally Posted by GreenEyedLady

 

 

Hmm, where I live EVERYONE has unalienable rights and guess what?!

 

ONE IS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

 

Chew on that.

 

GEL

 

 

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I was talking about an individual who would answer someone's question out of decency, courtesy .. Not a law that was made for suspects..

 

ahahahaha, this is the funniest obvious blunder i've seen in a long while!

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao

[califnan]

I am not pointing at the OP when I say .. It is amazing the OW on here who will squirm, hide, even bring their children into it - to avoid even the courtesy of answering to a BS. It should be a common responsibility that goes with the territory.

[2sunny]

I am not pointing at the OP when I say .. It is amazing the OW on here who will squirm, hide, even bring their children into it - to avoid even the courtesy of answering to a BS. It should be a common responsibility that goes with the territory.

 

ahhhhh, it amazes me how everyone seems to have their own brand of decency. it fascinates me the broad spectrum of interpretation...

[califnan]

ahhhhh, it amazes me how everyone seems to have their own brand of decency. it fascinates me the broad spectrum of interpretation...

 

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I know .. they wish to be involved with the MM ... but not InVolved..