Is there any hope? or is it me who is hopeless?

[Cedarman]

I would say insist on N/C with this other man, also try stop her being in contact with these so called freinds they sound as though they are a bad influence on your mariage (this includes late nights clubing).

I would also insist on mariage counciling for both of you.

 

I would take this time as well to get some legal advice on where you.

 

 

I've insisted on NC with the other guy - my wife's reaction was that if the other guy knew how concerned I was about their "relationship" he'd probably be laughing (implying that I think the relationship is worse than it was). But she said that she agreed. This might be a lie, or maybe not. I also realize that if it's true that this guy is now divorced and living with a younger woman, maybe my wife is broken up about it and is doing her own form of NC. Very complicated. One definite problem I recognize is that my wife has not yet acknowledged how wrong her actions were on so many levels. Eg - even IF she was single, she was having secret chats with a married man who had two kids. That's just wrong (in my opinion). Add in the fact that she IS married and it's doubly wrong. I asked if this guy's former wife knew about their chats and talks. My wife said she didn't know - saying it wasn't her business to know. But it WAS her business because she knew this guy was married. I've asked what they talked about and the answer back was "golf, life, marriage" - so it's obvious that they used each other as sounding boards for their marriage situations. I've asked who knew about this attraction - my wife told me "nobody". I have a hard time believing this when her divorced or unhappily married friends were also kept "secret" from me. I call them the "unhappily married wive's" club and THOSE were her girlfriend/confidants over the past little while. I'm not insisting on NC with them, because I don't see a problem as long as my wife tells me the truth - that's the key. It was the secrecy with her single friends that was the problem. As well, if I insisted on NC with her girlfriends, then I am opening myself up to the "controlling" label.

 

So there are a lot of issues still out on the table, but what can I do about it? I can make these an issue - have another argument and work on the divorce NOW. Or, I can try to see if a re-connection (on any level) is possible and THEN work on the issues.

 

I see no downside to trying to work on our connection for a couple of weeks. I'm actually enjoying it, and at the very least - it's getting me back into practice for dating. I have to admit that I left too much of the "couple's time" planning to my wife - forgetting that I need to do my part to keep the flames going too. I'm trying to just enjoy the feeling of attracting and dating somebody - I don't see the downside to this since, even if it doesn't work, I haven't lost anything additional. Is this crazy or just another sign that I'm in that hopeless/desperate state of denial? It's a wild ride - that's all I can say. But if I crash and burn I don't think it can be a lot worse than how I felt last week.

[Windsurf66]

Cedarman,

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I think you have to be mentally prepared for the worse.

 

There are too many red flags abt your wife. Breast augmentation, spending hours on her appearance, told you she is not in love with you, goes out till late, hangs out with a bunch of divorced friends or friends having affair, lied to you, secretive in her computer/phone activities, lack of remorse on her part for all her behaviour.

 

If her actions show that she is not sincere in working on the marriage, then she is just waiting for the opportunity to leave, e.g. waiting for the right guy to come along to trade up; planning financially and logistically for a new life; consulting lawyers and her divorced/affairing friends

 

To guage her sincerity, perhaps you can look into a few areas:

How is your communication with her?

Is she putting in the effort to work on the marriage?

Is she willing to go for MC? If yes, how is her behaviour during MC?

If she is putting in so much efforts into her appearance, is it for you (Any intimacy with her?) or is it to attract other guys?

Is she still lying?

Is she still secretive?

And lastly, what is your gut feel on her sincerity? Sometimes, our gut feel on their sincerity is the most accurate despite a lack of solid evidence.

 

Be careful of being strung along by your wife. There are lots of other similar stories here...with similar outcomes, i.e. the spouse cheating and/or walking out when the time is right. Be careful, and be prepared.

 

I guess you can also concurrently start looking around, and get ready for a divorce. And in the meantime, enjoy her while it last

Edited August 17, 2010 by Windsurf66

[spriggig]

I see no downside to trying to work on our connection for a couple of weeks. I'm actually enjoying it, and at the very least - it's getting me back into practice for dating..

 

It does help the first few nights you're completely alone to know that you tried everything you could think of, twice. It's a really useful bit of knowledge--it can be used in sadness to pick you up, anger to pull you back down and acceptance to help you move on.

[Windsurf66]

I'm hoping that my wife is committed, but I honestly don't know if I'm able to read her anymore. The problem with the two of us is that I'm still strongly attracted to her, but she has to re-build her attraction. So it's unbalanced, and it's really easy for my mind to play tricks on myself. I'm trying to stay cool, stay objective, but it's a lot harder for me than for her.

 

It's weird how I'm the injured party, but I have to win her back - but it's something I want to do... go figure.

 

You can read her by her actions, not her words. Marriage is about commitment, respect and love. Attraction is lust and does not last very long, real marriage is much more than lust.

 

I agree with your point that although you are the injured party, but you have to win her back. It is not totally your fault and responsibility for her actions, but in most cases, its the injured party that is in a weaker position and has to do more to win the wayward spouse back, cos getting angry and demanding will only push the wayward spouse further away, into another person's arms. The person who loves more is always in the weaker position. Its a very twisted world, but this is what it is.

 

But you should also set a limit on how much you can bend backwards. And while trying to repair the marriage, dun have your hopes too high and start planning your exit concurrently.

[Cedarman]

Thanks for the advice Windsurf and spriggig.

 

I'm trying to prepare for the worst - but it's pretty tough when you're in the mindset that you're "dating" and trying to woo your own wife.

 

The one thing I'll say is that my wife is making an effort. The problem is, it's very obvious that it IS an effort. Maybe she'll loosen up, maybe the attraction will come back, maybe not. The other thing I've noticed is that we're still having discussions which turn into arguments - but they're milder and we try to make up afterwards. For example - before our problems we used to wash up together and go to bed together. For the past few years we've had this awful pattern of my wife washing up, then I will wash up and when I'm done - typically my wife will be asleep in bed. It happened last night and I told her that I don't like it - how are we supposed to "re-connect" when we subconsciously avoid contact? Her response was that she "needs" her sleep and that she thinks I don't like her very much. I told her (honestly) that I don't know if I "like" her because I don't know if I know her anymore, and furthermore, how am I supposed to "like" her so soon after what she did? I said that's the whole point of "re-connecting" - it's not just about HER re-connecting with me, it's about ME re-connecting with her too. Strangely enough, I fell asleep quickly, only to be woken up with my wife's arms around me - just like she used to do. She was caressing my shoulder and back and it was nice - her way of saying sorry without saying anything (or so I hope - probably a sure sign I'm delusional or in total denial). But this is a big change from before when one of us would be sleeping in another room, or my wife would be crying and saying she can't stand it. So she's making an effort - just not sure how long she can keep this up. I'd love to believe it's real - but realistically, it's still an act. The question is, can this act become real?

 

For me, I'm sleeping pretty well which is another change - before I'd be thinking and tossing and turning all night. So something in me has changed too - although during the day I still spend too much time thinking about it instead of doing my job - like now. One of the things I'm doing which might not be constructive for our marriage - but helps me - is consciously noticing all the attractive women out there. There are lots and some of them must be available and compatible. I've always noticed attractive women, but never with the mindset of what's out there. I think this is helping me.

 

So I know that I'm on an emotional roller coaster and it's probably going to end with a crash - but the ride's a thrill for now. If I was a betting man, I'd say the odds are 9 to 1 against me - but as long as the chance is higher than zero, I'm going to make the effort. I don't want to walk away from what was once the best relationship of my life until the chance of reconciliation IS zero. Not sure how I will handle that realization if and when it occurs - I'm sure it won't be pretty, but I believe I'll get through (and sharing thoughts on this forum definitely helps).

[bestplayer]

Thanks for the advice Windsurf and spriggig.

 

I'm trying to prepare for the worst - but it's pretty tough when you're in the mindset that you're "dating" and trying to woo your own wife.

 

The one thing I'll say is that my wife is making an effort. The problem is, it's very obvious that it IS an effort. Maybe she'll loosen up, maybe the attraction will come back, maybe not. The other thing I've noticed is that we're still having discussions which turn into arguments - but they're milder and we try to make up afterwards. For example - before our problems we used to wash up together and go to bed together. For the past few years we've had this awful pattern of my wife washing up, then I will wash up and when I'm done - typically my wife will be asleep in bed. It happened last night and I told her that I don't like it - how are we supposed to "re-connect" when we subconsciously avoid contact? Her response was that she "needs" her sleep and that she thinks I don't like her very much. I told her (honestly) that I don't know if I "like" her because I don't know if I know her anymore, and furthermore, how am I supposed to "like" her so soon after what she did? I said that's the whole point of "re-connecting" - it's not just about HER re-connecting with me, it's about ME re-connecting with her too. Strangely enough, I fell asleep quickly, only to be woken up with my wife's arms around me - just like she used to do. She was caressing my shoulder and back and it was nice - her way of saying sorry without saying anything (or so I hope - probably a sure sign I'm delusional or in total denial). But this is a big change from before when one of us would be sleeping in another room, or my wife would be crying and saying she can't stand it. So she's making an effort - just not sure how long she can keep this up. I'd love to believe it's real - but realistically, it's still an act. The question is, can this act become real?

 

For me, I'm sleeping pretty well which is another change - before I'd be thinking and tossing and turning all night. So something in me has changed too - although during the day I still spend too much time thinking about it instead of doing my job - like now. One of the things I'm doing which might not be constructive for our marriage - but helps me - is consciously noticing all the attractive women out there. There are lots and some of them must be available and compatible. I've always noticed attractive women, but never with the mindset of what's out there. I think this is helping me.

 

So I know that I'm on an emotional roller coaster and it's probably going to end with a crash - but the ride's a thrill for now. If I was a betting man, I'd say the odds are 9 to 1 against me - but as long as the chance is higher than zero, I'm going to make the effort. I don't want to walk away from what was once the best relationship of my life until the chance of reconciliation IS zero. Not sure how I will handle that realization if and when it occurs - I'm sure it won't be pretty, but I believe I'll get through (and sharing thoughts on this forum definitely helps).

 

My friend you have been handling your situation pretty well , but i would suggest that dont over analyse everything . You wife might be genuinely trying to make it work , so you have to repond postively and do your part as well . Bringing up past would only put more stress on both of you . For the time being keep all the negative things aside & concentrate on the postive things only so that there isn't an unecessary tension between both of you .

As you said it was once the best relationship of your life , so to get it back you have to go with a postive frame of mind .

 

 

 

Best of luck

[2sunny]

you have evidence that she is not capable of being honest unless she's backed into a corner - how do you propose to find her trustworthy in the future - especially if she doesn't make an effort to earn your trust?

[Cedarman]

2Sunny - Yes, trusting my wife fully is going to be a challenge - something only time will tell. The dilemna is that you can never prove honesty, only dishonesty. I can say that my wife seems to be really trying this time - so I have to give her the benefit of a doubt. Also MC will definitely be something we'll HAVE to do (assuming we re-connect to some extent of the next couple of weeks). I don't see any way to work the trust issues out by ourselves without an objective third party to provide advice and non-judgemental guidelines. I still wonder whether my wife's emailing/chatting with "secret" friends - but I can't control that because there are simply too many ways to do this these days. So I have to just go with the flow and work on re-connecting to a point where I "know" that my wife's being faithful and respectful of our relationship.

 

bestplayer - you're absolutely right. But I need to keep some form of balance because I need to think more about ME - and keeping some type of balance will help me IF things don't work out. As I've said, I'm looking at the next few week's as if I'm dating somebody I'm VERY interested in. But I don't want to end up even MORE heartbroken if things don't work out.

 

It's a definite roller coaster...

[Cedarman]

Things have been going pretty well on the surface, although there have been a few hiccups along the way. We've made a lot of time for each other this week, which has been good for re-connecting.

 

However, I can't get past this feeling that we're glossing over the problem by avoiding talking about it. The few times I've brought it up, have always resulted in tension - so it's still hanging over our heads.

 

My wife seems to be enjoying the re-connecting, but did mention that she feels like she's neglecting her friends (to which I feel like telling her "tough *****", but bite my tongue). She even said that we can't keep this up forever because we'll suffucate each other - she's probably right about this, but I still think she's taking the easy road, rather than what needs to be done.

 

So my question is - do I keep up the re-connecting and hope for the best, or do I take things head-on and see what happens? I think we've reached a point where we can both see that there is still potential in our relationship (at least from MY perspective) - but I see no future unless we can deal with the issue (my wife's emotional affair) and the reasons she went that route. I also need her to admit (to me) that she realizes what she did - she's still in denial that she did a major amount of damage to our marriage.

 

The other thing is that if I go back to when the problems started (in my first post - back about 7 - 8 years when my wife first lied about a golf day trip with FORMER golf buddies of mine), I realize that this is not the first emotional affair my wife has had. And if I look back to her close "friends" (of both sexes) I see a pattern of broken marriages. Eg - My former golf buddy became like a "best friend" and golf partner for my wife (along with another friend) - and they talked all the time. This guy ended up leaving his wife and two kids - having an affair while on a "business" trip. My wife and him are still good friends but I never talk to the guy. The other former friend has kind of been out of the picture (I think HIS wife thought he was spending too much time with my wife) and he's still married. My wife's closest girlfriend (who I mentioned in a previous post) WAS happily married (at least when I met her) and ended up divorcing last November (out of the blue - did the papers herself) and moving out of her home (leaving her husband and two kids) and is now living with HER boyfriend (facts which my wife hid from me - telling me all her friends were married with kids). Then there's the guy my wife had her latest emotional affair - ended up leaving HIS wife (and two kids) and is now living with a younger women. So I have my doubts whether my wife is simply breaking off with this guy because of me, or because he's no longer available. But this pattern of talking with her friends about "marriage" and leaving a trail of broken marriages behind her troubles me - and it doesn't help that she hangs out with single, divorced women (and lied to me about them). Of course, I could be making a mountain out of something that's simply too common - divorce is common and nothing to hide and my wife just happens to know more than average. It's the deception that is the problem.

 

I'm thinking of printing out some articles on Emotional Affairs for my wife to read just so that she can see that it's not just me who thinks it was a serious breach of our marriage.

 

I can't seem to get past this - so it seems that I am the one having a problem that might prevent our "re-connecting". Do I deal with this NOW or do I continue to see if we "re-connect" and deal with it THEN? I suspect that if I bring anything up NOW, I will erase whatever re-connection we've built up. My wife has said that one of the major problems was that we have been too "heavy" when we're together for the past few years - we didn't have as much fun as before (well, d'uh - hard to have "fun" when your wife is doing things behind your back). But I recognize this as a problem - i.e. not simply taking time to enjoy each other's company. Yet, I worry that this re-connection is on a fragile foundation unless we deal with the root problem, which has been my wife's dishonesty.

 

Any experiences advice on this? Go with the flow?

[Cedarman]

Well, here I am 2.5 years later, and my wife and I are separating. I gave it a good try, but my wife just was not into it. She put on a good show, but it was all fake. The latest blowup came just a couple weeks after a fantastic summer family holiday and as usual, the cause of the argument was her selfish need to act as if she is single while I look after the kids.

 

Feel pretty foolish for wasting time trying to fix something myself when it clearly needs two people - but I guess I can say that I tried.

 

Truthfully, I never regained my trust of my wife and she didn't do much to regain that trust. So it was a recipe for disaster.

 

She is moving out next week, and we are seeing a mediator for a parenting plan. She is calling this a "trial" separation - yet she is unwilling to agree NOT to date - so obviously there is somebody else in the picture.

 

I have come to terms with this - I have spent the past 6 or 7 years, waiting for my wife to "come back" from wherever her mid-life crisis took her. But it's obvious that the changes are permanent and my former wife is gone forever.

 

In the best interest of the kids we're going to be amicable as possible and share custody (I am staying in our house). Get this though - my wife found an executive condo, fully furnished - but with only two bedrooms and two beds. So my kids will have to share a bed at her place. We are going to alternate duty weeks - and my wife actually wanted to bring the girls back to our home for dinners during her weeks and then leave them with me. Sort of how we have been living anyway - except NOW she has her bachelorette pad to go home to. I asked if she was going to give me the keys to her place so I could hang out while she is in MY space - "OF COURSE NOT", was her reply. She STILL wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

I guess I should have listened more to the advice 2.5 years ago to let her go and move on.

[karnak]

Thanks for your update.

 

At least you know you did everything at your reach to try and save the marriage. You can be proud of it.

 

As for your wife, you can be sure that, usually, when a woman decides to terminate the relationship... it's over. Many people think that it's possible to salvage a marriage in trouble. Sometimes it is. Most often when it's the husband who wants to leave.

When the wife begins to shake the foundations of the relationship, it's just a matter of time. Probably a couple of years at the most (as was your case). We could say that women are more "emotionally stubborn" than men.

 

As for you: don't worry, you'll be ok. Millions of people have gone through what you're enduring now. And they've survived and lead healthy lifestyles. So will you one day.

 

You have two grown daughters. You can count on them to help you in times of need. Focus your love on them.

Edited October 11, 2012 by karnak

[FocusOnMe]

OK you've received the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you." speech.

 

Most every betrayed spouse that I've come across in 5 years on this site has heard the same thing.

 

It means.. " I don't want you like that anymore but I don't have a better way to say it or the guts to admit my guilt. I'm already having or am really looking for sex with someone else."

 

Been there..

 

She doesn't want to move out? Well partially for the kids but also so she can have her cake and eat it too. Why should she move? You're taking care of everything including the kids while she can run around doing whatever and whoever she wants. She doesn't respect you anymore.

 

The marriage is over and has been. Yes you think you still love her but mostly you're addicted to her. Ask yourself ... if your best friend was telling you what you've told us what would yous say?

 

You have to take control of your life, you shouldn't put up with this kind of disrespect.

You're not hopeless unless you believe it. It's going to be hard but for your own sake you need to start talking to lawyers. Do it secretly and when you know your options financially and otherwise in a divorce then spring it on her. Never mind snooping unless you really want to know the details. I'd bet $1000 that there's someone(s) else.

 

Yep, thats the schpeel I was given with an added "I cant live two separate lives" but in my case I believe he already cheated before the "schpeel" of the I love you but not in love with you statement.

 

I think I might be addicted as well because the more clarity I get the more I see that I wasnt exactly happy or that much in love with him either. Yes, I love him, but was I really in love with him?!? These are questions Im trying to sort out and why Ive sought therapy now. I have a lawyer who I discussed all of the above with and he suggests we just wait for him to serve the papers since its HIM who wants the divorce.

 

Im my case I know 100% sure that there is someone else and I didnt have to get a PI to discover it....he calls her his "bowling wife!" Nuff said!

[Cedarman]

Can't honestly say I did everything possible to save the marriage - eg: I didn't forgive unconditionally. Just couldn't get past the deception and betrayal of trust. As well, my wife was holding back details, eg - just learned that her initial emotional affair (3 years ago with the golfing acquaintance who was 13 years younger) wasn't just "innocent" talk about their life and marriages - it involved the exchange of sext messages - what they wanted to do to each other, etc. This just came out recently. So I have to believe that my wife has probably had a physical affair too - she has had plenty of opportunity. She was a virgin when we married and with her mid-life crisis came all sorts of curiosities about other men, even though our sex life was pretty healthy. Of course she has stated that she is no longer loves or is even attracted to me, so needless to say, sex has been a real struggle recently.

 

Anyway, I am trying to move on and not really looking forward to it. 25th Anniversary was to be next month and I just can't help feeling that I have wasted up to 10 years with a woman who didn't love me back. The only solace is our two daughter's who have been sheltered from our conflict - and I will have to bite the bullet and pretend to them that we're splitting because we simply don't get along (they won't hear anything bad about my wife from me, that's for sure). Of course, they're smart kids and when they get older, hopefully they will remember all the good times we had when their Mom was doing her own thing. It sucks that I will be a part-time Dad, not by choice, but because my wife wants it that way. So basically she is getting EXACTLY the lifestyle she wants (part time mother on her own terms, single club hopping cougar on her weeks off). Whoever said that life's not fair was right!

[intenshnal]

I read most of the replies here, as well as your updates. I have to chime in though, from experience (I left my first husband using those words "I love you, but am not in love with you"). They are not empty words though...they mean just that. "I care about you as a person, but you don't satisfy my emotional, physical and mental needs anymore". There is such a thing as growing apart, even if only one spouse feels that way. I tell you this to let you know that once they admit those particular words, the marriage is over. Anything that you're hanging onto now or hoping for just won't happen. But know that it's for the best, and I promise you, you will find happiness in the future!!!! Life is now beginning anew for you, but you will still experience the feelings of a death in the family. I am so sorry. Take care of yourself, and continue to get support here that you need.

[Cedarman]

I read most of the replies here, as well as your updates. I have to chime in though, from experience (I left my first husband using those words "I love you, but am not in love with you"). They are not empty words though...they mean just that. "I care about you as a person, but you don't satisfy my emotional, physical and mental needs anymore". There is such a thing as growing apart, even if only one spouse feels that way. I tell you this to let you know that once they admit those particular words, the marriage is over. Anything that you're hanging onto now or hoping for just won't happen. But know that it's for the best, and I promise you, you will find happiness in the future!!!! Life is now beginning anew for you, but you will still experience the feelings of a death in the family. I am so sorry. Take care of yourself, and continue to get support here that you need.

 

 

Thanks... wise words. What I still don't get is that it was like a switch was turned off. I know that my wife has probably had these feelings for many years, but I was clueless to how unhappy she really was. I thought I was doing something she would appreciate (giving her time to pursue her interests) but she interpreted it like I just didn't care and built a secret second life. This is all in hindsight. Then one day it was bam - like a switch turned off and there has been no going back, despite our efforts. Of course, her unhappiness is no excuse for being unfaithful - and she continues to blame me for straying.

 

At any rate, during the separation we will both get individual counselling. I am dealing with feelings of depression and seriously feel like I've been in a daze for the past few years - spending so much time and emotion on something which was futile. My wife is going to try to find the source of her unhappiness and anger - she had a brutal childhood with a tyrant father - so I think she is projecting a lot of this anger at me. But she's not in an introspective frame of mind, so you are probably right - my marriage is over and has been for a few years. Really hard to stop the denial process though, which is why I am going to seek counselling.

[Cedarman]

 

Good you are doing counselling. Helping?

 

 

Haven't started yet. Getting a referral from the mediator. My wife is getting a referral from her doctor. Marriage counselling didn't work because my wife wasn't committed. So not holding my breath for her counselling to bring any revelations. I just need to vent a little as well as figure out how to move on with my new life. Having problems letting go of the past - which is probably why 2.5 years later, I am in the same space I was before.

[2sunny]

Sop being her doormat.

 

Change the locks on your house and tell her when its her time to see the kids = SHE takes them out of YOUR house!

 

YOU need a break too- stop making it easy for her to skirt HER responsibilities by being a Mom!

 

Tell her - come pick them up - and drop them off at the agreed upon time!

[2sunny]

Haven't started yet. Getting a referral from the mediator. My wife is getting a referral from her doctor. Marriage counselling didn't work because my wife wasn't committed. So not holding my breath for her counselling to bring any revelations. I just need to vent a little as well as figure out how to move on with my new life. Having problems letting go of the past - which is probably why 2.5 years later, I am in the same space I was before.

 

When you LET GO of what's dragging you down (her) YOU can feel the freedom from letting go of the baggage that's been selfishly holding you back.

[Cedarman]

My problem is that I am kind of like a "mate for life" type of person. Never thought there would be an issue we couldn't work out together. Admittedly clueless and in denial that my wife had checked out of the "together" part long ago. Yeah, even with all the warnings and advice from all sides (including this forum) I just slogged along, hoping for the best. The progress I thought we were making was all in my mind, unfortunately.

 

I feel ok about it, but know that there are going to be some rough, rough times - especially with our Anniversary coming up. And not sure how I would handle seeing my wife out with another man in the future - should this happen. Anyway, focusing on the children, which is what I have been doing for a number of years anyway. But losing access to them full time sucks. Still coming to terms with the new reality.

 

Wife is moving out this week. Everybody tells me it will be like a big weight being lifted off of my shoulders - hope they're right...

[Cedarman]

Thanks for the suggestions. I am planning to help her move. Might as well.

 

We are telling the kids on Sunday night (that's the only night that works for us this weekend). My wife takes possession of her apartment on Monday - but will move immediately or over a few days depending upon the girls reaction to the news. Get this - she wants the girls to sleep with her the first week at her new place because she thinks they will want to help HER get adjusted. I had to say "Whoooa" - my wife moving out is a new adventure for her - meanwhile I will be left with an empty house and broken dreams. The place she got is not in our neighborhood (but at least closer than her first choice). So my girls will be away from their familiar neighborhood, friends, school, as well as me. I asked her to let me have the girls for the first week and it sent my wife into a bit of a sulk. It's typical of the self-centered universe of my wife. She is so concerned with herself being lonely, and/or trying to act like a concerned mother that she doesn't think about anything else. SHE is leaving, yet she is somehow the victim. Unreal.

 

The other thing - in preparing for the move, my wife has been getting rid of things I gave her. Nothing of high value - like jewellery - but the sort of stuff (small gifts) that would normally have some sentimental value or at least be passed on to the girls. Nope - they've already gone to Goodwill. Brutal.

 

My sin was being too good a father (her words) and ignoring her needs. Of course, instead of telling me this - she went out and built a new, secret life for herself and has dreamt of leaving for 4 or 5 years. Wish I hadn't talked her out of it the first time - 4 years older and feel like I've wasted a lot of good years.

[karnak]

 

The other thing - in preparing for the move, my wife has been getting rid of things I gave her. Nothing of high value - like jewellery - but the sort of stuff (small gifts) that would normally have some sentimental value or at least be passed on to the girls. Nope - they've already gone to Goodwill. Brutal.

 

My sin was being too good a father (her words) and ignoring her needs. Of course, instead of telling me this - she went out and built a new, secret life for herself and has dreamt of leaving for 4 or 5 years. Wish I hadn't talked her out of it the first time - 4 years older and feel like I've wasted a lot of good years.

 

Sorry for being so harsh. But I have to state my opinion.

She's a bitch.

Don't feel sorry for losing her. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company.

[karnak]

Oh please!!!

 

Where you get this from? personal experience or conjecture?

 

We could also say women are more `emotionally unstable` than men?... if thats the case?

 

For your information, whenever I state my opinion on Loveshack it's always based on personal experience. I don't trust everything I read in books.

[paradigm shift]

(((Hugs))) to you Cedarman, I am in the same leaky boat

 

My husband said he was unhappy for years and now is emotionally numb, I was okay with status quo and maybe didn't want to knowwhy that connection was gone. The only thing different is that due to work, he lived away M-F and came home on the weekends, making it easier to not really communicate, I guess.

 

As for the house, we are in the same position and I have to define some boundaries for him, as he walked in the house yesterday to pick up the kids (who were not home yet). I think I need my space that I can call my own, just like he has his.

 

I am sorry to hear about her giving the stuff away, but in the end it's only stuff, right? The most valuable things; your kids, your health, yourself are are still with you. And here's to hoping we get back our self-confidence, self-esteem and find our places in the world again!

 

Cheers!

[imagine]

I believe that it would be good to have an intermediary. Avoid contact with your ex. This will keep her out of your mind and will allow you to recuperate and not be exasperated.

 

Choose a good friend for this duty. He must tell you NOTHING of her circumstances. Exchange kids at a police station if necessary (using your intermediate friend)

 

I recommend that you keep nothing of your wife's personal property. This may cause a trigger.

 

If you cannot find this friend, do not use the children.

 

Your wife will get lonely, this is NOT your problem. Rather let her negotiate with intermediary. Once you find this friend, write her a letter to explain the circumstances. This is another way of saying, sincerely, that she is dead to you.

[Cedarman]

Your wife will get lonely, this is NOT your problem. Rather let her negotiate with intermediary. Once you find this friend, write her a letter to explain the circumstances. This is another way of saying, sincerely, that she is dead to you.

 

I can almost guarantee that my wife will not get lonely. She has her divorced friends - who are probably waiting to throw her a celebration party. As well, my wife doesn't do anything without a plan - and she has had years of planning and dreaming of this. The reality is, she is probably already in a relationship or has her eye on somebody. If not, she could easily find companionship as she plays the part of a MILF quite well.

 

But agree that the best course of action is to move along as if she no longer exists. This is going to be tough - but necessary. Not sure I am up to the task, but will try my best. I have already told her that after she moves out, she cannot enter our house without notice - this REALLY pissed her off, as our house is joint ownership. But if she wants to force the sale, that is OK with me, I will find another home in the neighborhood and rent instead of own with the proceeds. My daughters will NOT be disrupted because of her selfish needs.