Am I crazy?

[Confused98]

I could write forever about this but I will try to make it short and to the point.

 

My husband has a friend who is a woman. They have recently started hanging out a lot in the past few months. Most of the time I am there and it is a group event. I know nothing is going on but they tend to sneak off to a corner and talk alone and stuff when we are places. Not a big deal but other people we hang out with are noticing. In fact one person won't even come out anymore if she is going to be there. I should be snooping but I looked at his phone records and he texts her ALOT. Way more than any other person. He has told be flat out that if it bothered me he would stop hanging out with her.

 

Well it bothers me but she is a good friend and someone he get along with really well so I told him I didn't want him to do that. But it seems to be getting worse. I specifically told him that he needed to work as hard on being a friend to me as he does her because that was the biggest reason I was jealous of her. I feel like he has done nothing.

 

Am I over reacting?

 

I don't know how to confront him differently than I have already.

[ComputerJock]

You might want to track and read his emails. There a few good software packages that allow you to do that. I would be very suspicous as this is common affair behavior.

[Feelin Frisky]

Why don't we all audit each other and talk about it on the net? Don't count me in on spying through technology. Once in a while persons of different genders connect on things that spouses don't. If he neglects you or you catch him having an affair, have a meltdown. Otherwise try to give the benefit of the doubt. If he's embarrasing you publically, confront him about it and demand a definitive answer. But I for one am sick of all these new opportunties to spy.

[RegardingMe]

I don't think your crazy.

 

I do think if he respects you and your marriage he would adhere to your request. I wouldn't agree that nothing is going on if others are commenting on it and staying away because of it.

 

Could it be an emotional affair? Why the going into the corner if it is nothing?

[Confused98]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I don't want to snoop more than I already have. It's bad enough that I have snooped.

 

Classic affair behavior? Even with him always including me? I kinda feel like his including me is a way of showing that there is nothing going on but the going off by themselves is weird.

 

I will give an example of the corner of the room behavior. We had friends at our house for a cookout. After dinner everyone was hanging around taking and I realized he wasn't there and I looked up and he was talking to her alone away from everyone else. Everyone else at the party was in hearing range they were not. They were not whispering in each others ears or anything.

 

The friend who doesn't hang out when she is around does not like her. Of course the reason she does not like her is because she thinks there is something going on. She even confronted my husband about it and my husband of course denied it. My husband then told the girl what was going on just to let her know of the rumors and the girl was embarrassed and left. I only found this out later because my husband was drunk, I don't think he was going to tell me because when I pushed for information he said it wasn't a big deal and that the friend was just being crazy(which is totally like this person so I believe him) unforetuantly this was almost a month ago and I have not been able to talk to the friend alone.

 

Sounds like an emotional affair to me too. But how can I be sure. I know he wants me to be friends with her. And I've tried but we are complete opposites. The more I've gotten to know her the more I wonder how my husband gets along with her. That's the biggest reason I don't think it's an affair, I don't even know how he can stand her she is the complete opposite of everything he has ever been attracted to. I think he relates to her mostly because she has a similar job stress level and responsibility. Something I don't have in my job. But because of the nature of work they aren't even allowed to talk to each other about work.

 

Also there's no missing time. Wouldn't there be times when He would lie and say he's working but he's with her. He works a lot but I know he works a lot I see his paychecks. (I handle finances) he goes out after work sometimes but I am always invited. He also tells me that he is going and who's there. I know he can't see her at work because she is not allowed in his area.

 

Ok I've bored you enough. I could go on with is but I will stop.

[RegardingMe]

Still doesn't answer the questions as why he doesn't respect your wishes.

 

Also might be a good time to look into his emotional needs vs. your emotional needs. Perhaps your relationship can be better then ever.

 

I would make a point to speak to the friend who confronted them. Why not put the call in and do it today.

 

Have you told him that he is hurting you by his behavior?

Why does he feel the need to text her? I don't think you need to snoop when your feeling this uncomfortable? If he wants you to be part of a friendship then he shouldn't mind letting you see emails and texts? He wants his wife to feel secure about the behavior. So he needs to repair the damage. He needs to understand there is damage.

[Confused98]

I will talk to the friend. Husband is out of town this week so I may get the opportunity.

 

I have told him how I feel but I probably need to tell him again. And be more specific. I just don't want it to turn into a fight.

 

One of the things he's mentioned is he wants to be happy when he's at home work is stressful he wants to come home and relax. I completely agree. I don't want to spend our time together arguing or bring up things that neither of us want to talk about in our few precious time together. He's out of town all this week, do I really want to bring this up right before he goes?

 

Good point on the emotional needs probably something we both need to work on. And talk about.

 

Also yes the texting/emails bother me. But I can't exactly confront him about it without admitting to snooping. I agree he should let me see them but I don think he will. Which I somewhat agree with he shouldn't have to show me his phone. I obviously don't trust him but I really want to.

[Confused98]

About respecting my wishes. He definitely needs to work on it but I don't know how to be any more clear than what I already have. I'm probably too easy going. I let things slide way too often. It's just who I am But at the same time he shouldn't take advantage of that. Not too sure how to tell him that.

 

Thanks by the way this seems to be helping. If only I could apply what I am saying here to talking to him.

[fit]

careful here confused. Ive seen similar behavior from ex girlfriends and they were having an emotional affair with the person...which is one step from a physical affair. Unless this woman is fat grotesque woman you have reason to be concerned. Track the emails and confront if needed. Save yourself the heartache down the road.

[spriggig]

...Well it bothers me but she is a good friend and someone he get along with really well so I told him I didn't want him to do that. But it seems to be getting worse. I specifically told him that he needed to work as hard on being a friend to me as he does her because that was the biggest reason I was jealous of her. I feel like he has done nothing.

Am I over reacting?

 

I don't know how to confront him differently than I have already.

 

This already counts as an emotional affair. His actions alone do not, but combined with the bolded sentence above, AND the fact that friends have noticed? Yes. He is not simply including a new friend, he is taking emotional support from you and giving it to her. That's an EA.

 

Everyone here understands your desire to trust him, but from an outside viewpoint, which you came here to get, he is going way to far.

 

Are you over reacting? You're not doing enough. You're going to have to shout loud enough to get through the fog he is in right now. If you don't talk about this continuously, he will assume it's OK (he might even be thinking about suggesting an "open marriage":sick:).

 

Actions speak louder than words. He needs to cut off all contact with her NOW. You need the freedom, access to his accounts, to verify that he has gone NC with her.

 

If you love this man and see your future with him, put your foot down hard on this and don't back down.

[Ella whispers]

My closest friend is a man and it's totally platonic. We work in a high stress job together and talk daily, sometimes several times a day. I spend time at his house off duty and he comes to my house too. We share a lot of common interests and get along great, there is no sexual attraction, he's like my brother.

It's possible for friends of the opposite sex to be close and have a striong bond.

It may not be appropriate for a married person to have this relationship but I would hope if he and his GF get married our relationship wouldn't change. His ex had a problem w/ our friendship but his new GF is cool w/ it, she has several male friends. I get along w/ her great also.

[BellaBellaBella]

I would check into plan A of how to deal with an affair. I would not confront him or talk to him until he comes home. Think of what his emotional needs are admiration, etc. Give them to him in spades on the phone. When he comes home ask him what he needs from you. Then let him know what you need. Which includes not texting and transprancy of communications with other women.

[2sunny]

ask him point blank not to communicate with her anymore.

 

check to be sure he's not... if he is - he respects communicating with her as a priority more than your peace of mind.

 

simple really.

 

 

he offered - now take him up on his offer. if he argues that he shouldn't have to - remind him that he offered - and that is what you now want.

[BellaBellaBella]

I don't read my DH's phone. I never have. I don't even read his facebook. I did tell him to delete it recently. He added some people that weren't appropriate. We did have several conversations and I explained to him that if we were in reverse situations he would be angry and calling me out. I also explained to him that regardless of his intentions with these women, he doesn't know their's. I pointed out to him how easily it is to get caught up and it is up to BOTH of us to guard our marriage.

 

Have you asked him point blank what is it that he finds to chat with her about? What is it he is getting from the conversation?

[vestigalvirgin]

Confused98,

 

without a shadow of a doubt, you h is disrespecting you and cheating on you, at least an emotional affair; and probably at least partially physical (stolen kisses, snuggles, hugs, even if not full on sex yet).

 

The other friend of yours can't stand the woman your h is having the affair with because she knows you're being duped and she might know more about what is going on then she is willing or able to tell you.

 

The only solution is immediate complete and total "NC" = "no contact" between your h and this woman he is having the affair with.

 

The worst part about it is they are pulling it off right in front of your face!

 

Your h completely lacks any respect for you.

 

Don't buy any of his lies or excuses. Stop it NOW.

[vestigalvirgin]

My closest friend is a man and it's totally platonic. We work in a high stress job together and talk daily, sometimes several times a day. I spend time at his house off duty and he comes to my house too. We share a lot of common interests and get along great, there is no sexual attraction, he's like my brother.

 

Assuming he is heterosexual, most likely is not purely platonic from your male friend's point of view. I think you are kidding yourself like many women do in similar situations.

 

 

It's possible for friends of the opposite sex to be close and have a strong bond.

 

I see you have a lot invested in the notion that this might be true. That doesn't make it true, of course. It also has nothing to do with the OP's problem because her h is canoodling with some woman and the OP doesn't like it. As a singleton you can befriend any other singleton you want on any terms that are mutually acceptable: purely platonic through full blown love affair, it's all good, and you answer to noone but yourselves In contrast, spouses cannot have opposite sex friends unless they are "friends of the marriage."

 

 

 

It may not be appropriate for a married person to have this relationship but I would hope if he and his GF get married our relationship wouldn't change.

 

This is a j/k right? Why would you expect a platonic male friend who gets married to be spending any significant off-work time socializing one-on-one with yourself, i.e. w/o his wife being a participant in the social activity?

 

 

 

 

 

 

His ex had a problem w/ our friendship

not very surprising

 

but his new GF is cool w/ it, she has several male friends. I get along w/ her great also.

 

 

Maybe your platonic friend should be spending less time socializing with you and more time with his new gf. Just a thought.

[young&inlove]

This is what happened to me in January. My husband was getting very close, way too close to a woman. That woman just happened to be my best friend. He ended up sleeping with her. He told me after the first time. I was going through his phone and all that but it wasnt helping. When I would bring something up, it would just fuel his anger and get mad and ask why I was going through his phone. He got honest with me on why he didnt want me to see anything. I know what you two need.... A weekend away from everyone and everything to..... TALK! A serious talk. About anything and everything. Put it all on the line. If it was meant to be then it will all work out. The key to this talk. Is you are both going to have to swear at the door that you wont get angry or upset or raise your voice, and of course, be honest. I know it is kind of childish but I am more than positive it will work. He probably just sees her as a friend and she understands. I dont know, just try it. What worse could it do?

[Confused98]

Thanks to all I appreciate all the opinions.

 

So I talked to him yesterday. I told him how I felt. I said I did not want him to lose a friend but I was uncomfortable with the relationship and I felt like it had secretive parts. He again offered to ignore her. He told me it was my decision and he would not hold it against me. I'm probably being too nice but I don't want him to give up a good friendship if that's what it is.

 

I hinted that I wanted to be able to read the texts and asked what it was they talked about because i saw no similarities. He pretty much shot down the reading texts idea and said their personalities are similar so they are able to talk easily. He compared her to his best male friend. Which I actually can kinda see. (Behind the gorgeous female.) He swears there is noting to hide in the texts but that he deserves his privacy and that he sometimes asks her advice about us (our marraige) that he may not be comfortable with me reading I'm not sure what to think about that. She's not married and never has been so it's not like she has experience. And if he can say it to her can't he say it to me? But I suppose if he is seeking advice from someone. I wouldn't be mad if he was asking a male friend for advice and didn't let me see.

 

If it is an emotional affair or on the verge of one I want him to be aware of that. So he asked me this afternoon if I had made a descision yet. I told him to give me a couple days to think it through which he was fine with. Then I told him I was afraid of it becoming or if it already was an emotional affair. I can see that even if it is simply a friendship it could very easily become more.

[Confused98]

I don't read my DH's phone. I never have. I don't even read his facebook. I did tell him to delete it recently. He added some people that weren't appropriate. We did have several conversations and I explained to him that if we were in reverse situations he would be angry and calling me out. I also explained to him that regardless of his intentions with these women, he doesn't know their's. I pointed out to him how easily it is to get caught up and it is up to BOTH of us to guard our marriage.

 

Have you asked him point blank what is it that he finds to chat with her about? What is it he is getting from the conversation?

 

I tried but I was asking to read the texts at the time. I will have to ask again.

[Confused98]

I would check into plan A of how to deal with an affair. I would not confront him or talk to him until he comes home. Think of what his emotional needs are admiration, etc. Give them to him in spades on the phone. When he comes home ask him what he needs from you. Then let him know what you need. Which includes not texting and transprancy of communications with other women.

 

Too late as I confronted him before he left. Still have time to talk this out the right way I hope. From what I've read about emotional affairs it could be something he is not getting from me. We did not discuss his feelings at all. Probably not good on my part.

[Confused98]

This is what happened to me in January. My husband was getting very close, way too close to a woman. That woman just happened to be my best friend. He ended up sleeping with her. He told me after the first time. I was going through his phone and all that but it wasnt helping. When I would bring something up, it would just fuel his anger and get mad and ask why I was going through his phone. He got honest with me on why he didnt want me to see anything. I know what you two need.... A weekend away from everyone and everything to..... TALK! A serious talk. About anything and everything. Put it all on the line. If it was meant to be then it will all work out. The key to this talk. Is you are both going to have to swear at the door that you wont get angry or upset or raise your voice, and of course, be honest. I know it is kind of childish but I am more than positive it will work. He probably just sees her as a friend and she understands. I dont know, just try it. What worse could it do?

 

Good idea. I will try to plan something out. The no yelling or anger or upset is going to be very hard for both of us. We will have to have a rule to go to separate rooms till we cool off if there is anger.

 

I am positive he sees her as a friend. I also am pretty sure there is no physical contact. I've never even seen him touch her other than a hug goodbye. And it was no different from hugs with other female friends.

[BellaBellaBella]

If I asked my husband to see the texts and he didn't let me I would have an issue. You need to go with your gut. However, for me if this was causing my marriage issues and it is noticed to the point others aren't comfortable being around it. I would ask him to end it.

 

In reading, the fact that you have to ask him to "end it" is telling. Just something to think about. I have reading stuff at MB and it is helping me with my marriage. I think the number one thing I am learning is to protect my marriage and put hard boundaries in.

[spriggig]

... I pointed out to him how easily it is to get caught up and it is up to BOTH of us to guard our marriage.

 

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis! This is what 50/50 RESPONSIBILITY is all about.

[Confused98]

If I asked my husband to see the texts and he didn't let me I would have an issue. You need to go with your gut. However, for me if this was causing my marriage issues and it is noticed to the point others aren't comfortable being around it. I would ask him to end it.

 

In reading, the fact that you have to ask him to "end it" is telling. Just something to think about. I have reading stuff at MB and it is helping me with my marriage. I think the number one thing I am learning is to protect my marriage and put hard boundaries in.

 

I probably should have taken him up on his offer the first time around. He noticed I was jealous before I did and offered to not be friends with her. The first time I refused to admit it, I have never been the jelous type. I only really started to realize when the other friend confronted my h about it. Then I snooped for the first time and found emails and texts (wasn't able to read them just that they occurred) that was the first time I asked him to make sure he put the same effort into us.

[fit]

I probably should have taken him up on his offer the first time around. He noticed I was jealous before I did and offered to not be friends with her. The first time I refused to admit it, I have never been the jelous type. I only really started to realize when the other friend confronted my h about it. Then I snooped for the first time and found emails and texts (wasn't able to read them just that they occurred) that was the first time I asked him to make sure he put the same effort into us.

Read this

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X

 

Im not doing it but if I were cheating on my wife I would behave exactly like your husband. He should have let you see the texts on the spot. I have female friends and my texts or emails are a open book.